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I had a terrible scare this week I don’t know what happened. But my vision … something happened. One morning I woke up with blurry double vision in my left eye, and I noticed I could no longer see up close. Panic is an understatement dollies. I was considering going to the emergency room.

Monday at work I got to my desk, and after turning in the computer I started to cry. I couldn’t see the words on my screen. I didn’t know what to do. Somehow I made it through until I was able to see a doctor.

Well, to make a long story short, my vision has changed. Apparently this is something normal. When you reach about 40, something happens to your eyes where seeing up close becomes a lot more difficult. I’m not going to die or become blind I relaized, I’m just getting older.  God, was I freaked out. Majorly freaked.

My mom decided it might be a good idea to test my blood. She is diabetic, and it runs heavy in our family history. Eye problems and diabetes go hand in hand, so she asked me to try her blood test machine thingy… guess what? According to my score (107),  I’m pre diabetic. Nice huh? So now I’ve started looking at labels a lot more, and I’m going to make some tweaks to my diet (even though I’m only 122 pounds). Here’s a crazy fact: a woman should not consume more than 25g of sugar a day. A large apple has 23 grams! I eat an apple every day! I’m cutting fruit out of my diet, and I’m watching all the sugars. I realize my Monday – Friday diet has about 40 grams of sugar, and I figured out how to reduce it to 12 grams without going through any inconvenience. I’ll allow myself treats still, on the weekend, but I’ve got to learn to be much more mindful, and only treat myself to foods that REALLY call to me. I’m going to be much more selective in my food choices. I absolutely do not want to be diabetic. I totally don’t want to deal with that shit.

Here is another good one. Last week my boss took me into her office along with the branch office manager. I was told that my work isn’t up to scratch. I’ve been at this company almost two years now. It’s the one concrete thing I have (well, that and my honorary membership into Club Spinster). Damn, if I loose my job I’m I’m going to be devastated. Yeah, there are days I don’t want to go into work, but I like my job (I’d go as far as to say it is essential to my sanity), plus I really love the company I work for. I’m going to work extra hard and do my best to jump through the hoops like a good little show pony. I hope they will see my efforts.

As I feel my life is crumbling, I’ve been feeling especially alone. My mother has been a great comfort to me. I’m also blessed with an awesome grandmother and a father who loves me to bits. I have a couple dear friends — though none live nearby. The eyes, the diabetes scare, the possibility I can loose my job … it makes me feel incredibly vulnerable. I wish I had someone special in my life, that I could lie on his lap, or maybe be cuddled a bit. I wish he would stroke my hair and tell me things would be okay … but that just doesn’t seem to be on the horizon, especially since I’ve taken myself out of the dating pool.

I have my birthday coming up in a couple weeks. I turn 43. The idea of ending my Birthday Challenge and trying to date again fills me with more dread than excitement this time around. I don’t know if I’m strong enough to deal with the emotions. Yes, I always can hope that this time I’ll find the one whose soul loves mine. I love that dream. But I am starting to wonder if it is just a dream. I talk to other women, and I know I’m not alone in this feeling, this general feeling of heartbreak and disappointment. I do know I’ll try again, because that’s just who I am. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to give up on love… but maybe now is not the time. Right now, I want to focus on my job and my health. I don’t think I want to attempt dating until I feel inspired by the prospect. I don’t want to date because of my fear of being alone. I think the Birthday Challenge is to be extended until I feel okay in my skin again.

And this, my dear, is how the sugar free cookie crumbles. Barf… like I’d ever eat that shit.

All is good in the hood. Yeah, I would love a boyfriend and a few million in the bank. Still, things are pretty okay. Sometimes I am suuuuuper bored, and I still suffer with horrible feelings of loneliness (I try to just sit with it, but easier said than done). Overall, however, I’d have to say that life is really alright. Here are some things I’m grateful about at the moment.

Getting my Botox done. It was long overdue. I desperately needed it in order to keep myself looking as serene and peaceful as people who don’t know me too well think I am. People often tell me I exude this aura of peace … little do they know what a total spaz I actually am. It’s my quiet voice and my gentle nature. I think you guys know, however, that under my skin I’m just the slightest bit bat shit.

As I don’t have a love interest in my life, I have been somewhat slack when it comes to maintenance (I love not having to shave!) but gosh, it feels good to get have my face back in order. I been spending just a teensy bit too much lately, so for financial reasons, I held off. Sadly, Botox ain’t cheap- if it was I’d probably tox myself up till I was a waxwork — I really do love the stuff. I realize not all of you will find being poked with a needle and injected with a form of botulism as a form of self care, but for me, it absolutely is.

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Right next to where I get my Botox done is a little restaurant that has been on my radar for several months: The Hummus House in Ft Lauderdale. Good hummus makes me terribly happy. Good hummus with nice pita and two fat triangles of baklava … heaven, and so that’s exactly what I had. I loved this little place. Service was fast and friendly, the place was super cute, but most importantly, the flavors and textures were just completely on point. I will definitely be going back.

So … let’s see… what else is good?

Screen Shot 2018-05-27 at 4.33.50 PM.pngRetail therapy… that’s been making me happy. I bought a lovely Tory Burch tunic. It looks so classy and sophisticated. I love the mandarin style collar and the deep slit down the front that makes this top ever so slightly sexy. It was pricy, but it was on sale, so whatevaaaa. I also bought a very over priced maxi dress *shrugs shoulders.* Have I ever mentioned how I love maxi dresses?! They are a woman’s best friend because they allow you to eat tons of food but still look very feminine and pretty. If you see a dazzling woman at the buffet with the flowy dress pushing you aside, that would be me dear *smooches.* Don’t hate.

The movie: I Feel Pretty. I saw it with my mom. It’s certainly not going to win any awards, but it was silly and fun, and it made me laugh. Sometimes that’s all you need, a good laugh, some entertainment, and wonderful company.

Triscuits: they seem to be an acquired taste, I’m not sure why. I fucking love those those things. Triscuits, a few squares of cheese, and I am a happy camper.

I’m making more female friends. You have no idea how much I value that. Us women, we get each other. I love being in the company of kind, smart women. Sometimes I forget, in the midst of all the guy drama I’ve encountered, that having fab women around me is just as important as having a man in my life.

Having Memorial Day off. What is more blissful than waking up on a Monday knowing you don’t have to endure the daily grind? Fucking priceless dollies!

Hope all is well with you, and that despite the daily shit blossoms that irreverently rear their ugly heads, that you are also managing to find the good in the mundane and the fabulous.

Tons of love,
Caroline

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I think about love. I think about it a lot. Maybe it is because I don’t have it. Maybe because I always think it’s the missing link that is going to give me the key to open the door to happiness (yeah, yeah, happiness is inside of me, I heard that one). I’ve been thinking about soul mates. Sometimes they call it twin flames. Other cultures and religions have different names for it. It is a common theme in love.

 

Do you believe in soul mates? I never did. Maybe you will find that odd coming from me, the airy-fairy, unicorn riding Caroline. I believe that I read somewhere that there are 7 billion human inhabitants on this earth, so imagine for a moment that only one of these people is your soul mate. Consider these things: What makes you think you would run into them? What if they live on some remote little island? What is the probability that they speak the same language? That they are within an acceptable age range to you? Or that there will even be mutual attraction.

 

To believe that there is only one special person tailor made just for you? Honestly, I find that depressing, if not completely horrific. The odds of winning the lottery seem better than running into this magical creature.

 

So what do I believe? I believe that there are oodles of “ones” rather than “the one,” but there are a lot of factors to take into account that can disturb the delicate balance. Timing is a big one, our mental state/ how we are feeling when we do meet one of our possibilities, as well as tons of other factors. Everything has to be just right to cultivate the sort of environment that would allow love to bloom … and when it does? It is pure and unadulterated deliciousness. But if you have experienced that deliciousness, you know it’s temporary.  Science confirms this. Romantic love can exist for a very long time, but it evolves. After a while your heart doesn’t flutter when you see them. This doesn’t mean you aren’t happy to see them, it just means that the euphoria fades. The drug like high we get just isn’t sustainable in the long term. It makes us kinda stupid anyway lol — don’t lie, you know EXACTLY what I’m talking about lovelies. This is why, I believe, the fairy tales always end with the marriage where the couple end up living “happily ever after.” WTF does that mean? Does she eat bon bons while sitting under a cherry tree as he goes to work? Does she raise their children and wash the skid marks out of his underwear? Does he cheat on her as she is blissfully unaware? Do they stay forever young and beautiful, never facing any pain or obstacles because they are just so in love. Come on, you know how dumb that sounds. Any way it unfolds, don’t they just go back to real life again?

 

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I feel that the whole soulmate thing is completely bullshit. It’s a fairytale that can be dangerous because it creates unrealistic ideas about what love should be: two imperfect people who care enough not to give up on each other, despite the bad times and sometimes poor choices.

Let’s face it, nobody is perfect, and nobody’s relationship is perfect. The most wonderful partner still can make us cry or be a total pain in the ass. Still, we love them. It doesn’t really diminish the relationship, it’s just real. Soul mates? Not so real in my opinion. What do you think?

Okay, so yeah, I have written about visiting NYC maaaaaany many times. Maybe you even got your barf bag ready, cause here Caroline goes again. But whateva, cause the place is just so beyond fabulous, dollies. I will never get sick of it, I will never stop going, and I’ll never stop writing about it. It is a constantly evolving city, and there are always new and wonderful things to eat, see, explore, and do. Still, I’m going to be easy on you and just share the highlights.

Pancakes. As per usual, I gorged myself on all manner of goodies, from my Levain cookies, to Grom gelato,  to the deservedly infamous lobster roll at Pearl Oyster Bar, and I finally managed to try the incredible pineapple linzer cookies at Te Company. But what completely blew my mind (or belly) into the cosmos was two delicious types of pancakes I discovered for the first time.

  • Exhibit A: The blubbery calfoutis at Le Coucou. Le Coucou is a very fancy French restaurant in the downtown area. I’d love to have dinner there but I’d feel a little self conscious going on my own for a larger meal — I’ll get over that, but CrazyKat, we have a date, okay? That, and Lobster Rumble,  girlie. The restaurant itself is stunning and sumptuous. It requires you to get a bit dressed up (but I imagine breakfast is more casual than dinner, and also you don’t have to make a reservation then). I sat my fat ass down on a velvet tuffet as the most beautiful pancake ever was set before my beady little eyes.  Oh, and do you know dollies, it was just as delicious as it looked. I loved the added touches of the cream quenelle dusted in lime zest.

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  • Exhibit B: The pancakes at Chez Ma Tante were completely the opposite. The didn’t win the pancake beauty contest like the one at Le Coucou, as they were much more rustic looking, but ooooooooh. And oooooooooooh. Okay so these had the most incredible texture for a pancake that I have yet to encounter (and yes, I did try the ones at Cinton Street Baking Company… good, but meh in comparison). These were crunchy on the outsides, fluffy on the inside, with the faintest hint of lemon, covered in maple syrup and a healthy pat of buttah (it’s good for the skin dont’cha know). And it happened to be just DEVINE. Yep, totally freaking swoon-worthy. Okay, so I should mention that technically these are in Williamsburg, not NYC, but go. Gooooooooooooo!

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Seeing an artist at work. As you know I love street art. I happened to be in Williamsburg while the Moniker Art Fair was in progress (which I went to). In conjunction with the fair, a very famous street artist known as D*Face was finishing up a piece, and I happened to see him action, which was very special for me.

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Speaking of art, another highlight of my trip was taking part in an exhibit by Candy Chang. I am a huge fan of hers, I have been ever since I saw her Ted Talk. I always wanted to write on one of her “Before I Die” walls, but I have never encountered one in my travels thus far. This, however, was just as cool, if not cooler. The exhibit was at a lesser known NYC museum, The Rubin Museum of Art. The exhibit was called “A Monument for the Anxious and Hopeful.” There were two walls. On one wall people were invited to write  one of their hopes and include it with the other contributors. On the other wall, visitors wrote their anxieties. What people wrote ran the gamut from funny to very deep and real. It struck a very personal cord with me. I loved being able to share my own and be a tiny part of this beautiful collective.

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I love knowing that somewhere in this picture, is one of my own.

Treating myself. Well, the truth is, all of my vacations are about indulgence in some way. Food, art, and sometimes (but not always) there are goodies involved. I’m not really one to collect souvenirs, but I did see something quite special at Bergdorf Goodman that I could not resist. It was a bit of an extravagance, but you only live once. I am a great believer in treating oneself to the finer things, when and if it is possible, because we are the only one we can truly count on at the end of the day.  My mom always says, “I buy myself flowers, because if I have to wait for a man to do it, I might grow a beard.” Yeah well, I bought myself the moon, and strung it along my neck. I have always wanted a pretty moon necklace. I’m a Cancer, so it’s my sign. The moon is also supposed to be a representation of feminine energy/power. Who would have guessed? Me, Caroline, that’s who.

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So I have a confession to make. I slipped. After about 4 months of no contact with Birdy, I texted him. You guys know, despite the things I’ve written, that he will always have a place in my heart. Like it or not. It’s just fact. I don’t want to love him. Not after the way he has treated me (or more correctly, his lack of treatment altogether). But if you read my blog, you know that I do love him.  My heart and my brain argue constantly on this subject. I got a little triggered. It was that sappy 80’s music, but there I was in the mall, spending ungodly amounts of money on things I don’t need, when the emotions took hold. The Devil totally made me do it. Or Journey. Whatever. It totally lead me down the wrong path. Note to self on the 1980’s: bad hair, bad fashion choices, and bad for my decision making skills.

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If only I was that special kind of human that can dismiss someone without thought … no, that will never be me. God, please grant me that superpower in my next life.

Yeah, so I sent a text via WhatsApp. And I waited. Then I waited some more. Inside I could feel a sickening mix of hope and anxiety. And then, after 7 hours, the two blue ticks appeared, indicating that he read my message.

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And I waited. And I waited some more. And then some more… and then some more. And can you guess that happened? Ha, yes! So right dollies… nothing happened. There was no reply. And then from the hours of 11 to 2 I cried.

In those hours I heard from Mr. Big. Remember him? He gave me some good and constructive advice. The same advice that everyone else gives me, the advice that only an outsider who is not emotionally invested is able to give. It did help me to feel better, I must admit. But it didn’t erase the feelings of embarrassment and hurt that had embedded themselves within my heart. I know I kind of deserved it. It was so stupid of me. What did I expect?

I know Birdy’s decision not to reply to me is one which I need to respect and honor. I will not pursue it. Anyway it’s too hard. His rejection leaves me feeling completely stripped of dignity. It was always that way when it came to him. I now understand why. And perhaps it is a Pandora’s Box best left locked. But you know it fucking hurt, don’t you? Rejection always hurts, but when it’s from someone you love… it’s the bitterest, ugliest pill there is.

I know I have to take this rejection and transform it into something constructive. That’s the plan anyway. Watch this space. Next stop, NY.

It has been about two weeks into my Birthday Challenge. I haven’t logged into any dating websites. Tito is still around, but less so. Though he is still present as my friend, I can feel him backing off and not really wanting to see me as much as he used to. It’s okay. I place no blame on him for that, I guess it’s to be expected. He isn’t meant for me, and that is okay. Totally.  I still think he is a great guy. Just not my guy. When it’s right, I won’t have to convince someone to be with me, they will WANT to be there. Over the two weeks I’ve had a fews highs and lows. This time, there is no masking the lows with cute texts from a hot guy. I have to resort to other measures. One of my favourite ways to get happy has always been to count my blessings and remember the things I love. So I guess now is as good a time as any for my next 100 Things I Love post.

  1. Strangers who become friends
  2. Little Moir’s Food Shack in Jupiter, Florida.Screen Shot 2017-09-03 at 11.02.37 AM
  3. Getting to see Dita Von Teese’s Art of the Tease in Miami, that was a bucket list thing for me.
  4. The supply closet at work. I do like to help myself LOL.
  5. Making someone’s day a little better
  6. Birkenstocks: I know lots of people find them to be quite hideous (especially men), but I have to say that I completely adore mine.
  7. Sneaking out of work a few minutes early … sometimes more than a than a few
  8. Diet Coke. I kicked my nasty habit and now I’ve returned to it. *sigh*
  9. Hanging out with the girls
  10. Having the friendship I now have with my ex husband. It means so much to me, more than I’m really capable of expressing. It’s a balm to my soul.Screen Shot 2018-04-14 at 2.17.16 PM
  11. Original glazed Krispy Kreme donuts when they are fresh and still warm. It’s like eating a sugar cloud(s) of love! (Come on guys, you know I don’t stop at one LOL)
  12. Taking walks
  13. Nachos, fully loaded please. Lots of guacamole and sour cream!
  14. Dresses that make me feel pretty and look thin. I’m partial to maxi dresses that allow me to eat lots but still look good. It’s kind of like a fashionable moo moo. Well you know, what do you expect after a mountain of nachos?
  15. “Ah-ha” moments
  16. Scarface
  17. Feeling wantedff94fdba65d5cc1ec1fbda3972a7151f
  18. My femininity
  19. Fresh pineapple when it’s sweet and juicy. Which other fruit comes with it’s own crown?
  20. Being still. I don’t mean not moving, I mean not feeling the need to act or react. Instead, making the choice to just “be.” I am far from an expert at this, but it’s something I’m working on. This works so well for me when I’m successful at it.
  21. An open heart and an open mind. Such a beautiful combination.
  22. That I finally have a car
  23. When I earn a Fitbit badge
  24. Crispy fish fingers with tartar sauce and lemon
  25. Full, soft lips4748dc1ca0526371fe6a7b07a656c627
  26. When I guy I like tells me I’m beautiful
  27. Not having to shave my legs when I’m single (or anything else, for that matter)
  28. Discovering a cool new song on YouTube … the more obscure the artist, the happier it makes me.
  29. Groupon. So okay it twists my arm to spend more money than I should, but I do love an amazing bargain.toast
  30. R1 Coffee for the most delectable avocado toast.
  31. Books & Books in Coral Gables, probably Florida’s coolest bookstore.
  32. Patty Cake$ — a very cool movie that never made it into popularity, but surely deserved it.
  33. When I return stuff and I see the money going back onto my credit card. It’s ridiculously satisfying.
  34. Chocolate covered graham crackers
  35. When my eyebrows are perfectly groomed. I’m definitely an eyebrow person. I’m not into all the pencil work people do (it’s too fake for me), I just like a perfectly tweezed brow.
  36. Gwpaddict.com a very cool website that lets you know which skincare and makeup brands are giving away free goodies with purchase.
  37. Kerastase’s Oleo Relax … the best hair product for frizzy manes. It’s expensive, but it actually works. It also happens to have the most amazing scent.
  38. The smell of toasted raisin bread
  39. The times when I am able to handle my difficulties with grace.
  40. Men with muscular arms… so sexy. And if there also happen to be tattoos??? Well, I kinda die a little.
  41. Having my hair done at an upscale salon, and leaving feeling fancy AF.
  42. When someone lets me in front of them at the supermarket.
  43. My vulnerability. Even though it opens me up to hurt, it also leaves the door open to let the magic in.
  44. Feeling my own power. It doesn’t happen every day, but when I am able to tap into it, it’s positively exhilarating!Untitled copy
  45. Ashley Longshore, a New Orleans artist who makes me laugh out loud. I just adore her. Do follow her on Instagram.
  46. Le Tub in Hollywood, Florida. I love chilled the atmosphere, and the burger is freaking fine! It makes me feel like I’m on vacation.
  47. Going out of my comfort zone, it’s where the magic happens.
  48. Kissing
  49. The street art scene in Bushwick, Brooklyn. It was there that I discovered the most beautiful piece of street art I had ever come across.
  50. ABC Carpet and Home – expensive but filled with treasures. The place is positively dreamy. It’s like Anthropologie on steroids.
  51. Slumber parties
  52. Selfies that I actually look good in
  53. Stranger Things, a TV series I love on Netflix
  54. Being toasty warmdf82e3dec75b63c403e8891c325a2d47
  55. Pizza: a love triangle which I can totally get into.
  56. Raggedy Ann, I have loved her since I could remember.
  57. People who are honest and real.
  58. When someone buys me a food treat.
  59. Oysters … who would have guessed?
  60. Impromptu adventures
  61. Tying up loose ends
  62. Easy days at work
  63. Kind words
  64. Tatcha’s Koyoto red lipstick. I have been looking for my perfect red for the longest time. Apparently, this is a universal red that looks good on every woman.
  65. Knowing that I have everything I need and most of what I want.
  66. Reminders that someone you love, loves you too (I’m not just talking about romantic love).
  67. The Biltmore in Coral Gables. I felt blessed to be able to spend the night there when Krazy Cat came to visit me. AND I got to have afternoon tea.
  68. Romantic friendships and friendly romances. It’s something Gabrielle Bernstein discusses in her book, “Spirit Junkie.”
  69. Love bruises, I find them completely erotic. Is that odd?
  70. Going to the Standard Spa in Miami. Utter luxury. Awesome memories. A steam room and hamam that makes me feel like I’m in heaven.
  71. Generosity
  72. Dipping my feet in the water.
  73. Watching a great Bollywood epic
  74. Genuine smiles, the ones that start from the heart and make other people smile too.tracey-emin-be-brave-800x800
  75. Tracy Emin
  76. Living somewhere that doesn’t get winter.
  77. Feeling childish enough to be silly and let my inner dingbat roam free.
  78. Seeing the people I love laughing and smiling. It makes my heart feel light.
  79. Super shiny lip balm
  80. The family environment we have at work. It makes tough days a lot more manageable.240eb61701ee0c59d9e5a5bde8672653.jpg
  81. Romance
  82. Making my Fitbit goals for the day. These days it’s 20,000 steps.
  83. Stepping back. I am learning that not everything requires me to act or react. Sometimes the best thing to do is nothing. I’m slowly learning how to release control and allow the Universe to do her thing.
  84. Colored contact lenses, a fun but dramatic way to play with my looks.
  85. Hope4c62825d819c0dc36c468fa764aab7cb
  86. Jasmine tea
  87. Waking up like a tiger… “rawr”!!
  88. La Maison du Chocolate
  89. Keeiping a journal (aka recording the crazy)
  90. Bumble bees. They make honey, they fly, and they wear glamorous fur coats.
  91. Benetint by Benefit. I’ve been using this lip and cheek stain since it came out. It’s is completely weightless and looks so natural.
  92. When my BirchBox comes in the mail.
  93. Making amends, because life is way too short to hold grudges.
  94. Yayoi Kusama and her Infinity Mirrors
  95. The smugness I feel when my iPhone falls, and the screen shattered, but it’s only the glass screen protector. Caroline will not be thwarted.
  96. Lobster sushi from Sushi Yama
  97. Browsing through the books and magazines and Barnes & Noble in a comfy armchair (and their chocolate cupcakes slide into my belly quite nicely)
  98. New sneakers
  99. Seeing good things happen to people I love.
  100. That no matter how bad I sometimes feel, I have the courage to keep going. We are so much stronger than we ever give ourselves credit for.

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Tito’s rejection really threw me more than I cared to admit. To his credit, he was kind, and he did, in fact, continue our friendship, but boy was I down, fucking depressed actually. I still am. The truth is, It’s all my own fault. I can’t blame Tito for this. He has actually been incredibly decent, a true gentleman. In fact, the way that he handled the situation makes me like him even more (it would be easier to be mad at him and not like him anymore, but the fact is he is pretty awesome). The other night we were texting on WhatsApp and he made me realize that what I’m doing just isn’t working. What I need to do is take action. What I have concluded is that the best action, in the romance department, is no action at all. I tried. I tried so hard … too hard.

Goal: I want to be happy

Thought: My desire to be loved is making me miserable (dare I say to the point where I am no longer finding joy in life – it is truly that bad. I feel awful and hopeless, and I’m just wanting to give up … pretty much on everything). In the last few years I have been absolutely obsessed with the idea that I need to find someone to love and be loved by in return. The results have been absolutely catastrophic to my mental health. I know this. Love isn’t about fun anymore, it’s more about desperation, and I am so sick of being in despair. For fuck sake, I’ve become more of miserable goth now than I ever was in high school, and quite frankly, it feels like shit. Yeah black is sexy and slimming, but being depressed? So ovah!!!

Action: As we enter the new month of April, maybe this is as good a point as any to start something new. Maybe I’ll just give the whole dating deal a rest for now. The highs and lows I am experiencing from dating really aren’t doing me any good. I feel like crap. Too much of my heart and mind is being focused on wether or not someone loves me. Well, what if I cut that out? What if I just stopped trying? What if I give myself a break? What would happen?!?!?!

Action: I am going to revisit the Birthday Challenge. No more dating websites, no more reaching out to men for the purpose of filling this ugly hole in my heart. Though they make me feel better for a little while, the hole just seems to be made deeper once they leave. I think I have to start letting it heal the old fashioned way: with a little time and introspection.

Do you have any idea how much mental energy I give to finding a partner? Maybe you have some idea if you have been reading my blog on a regular basis, but truthfully, it doesn’t even scratch the surface. It’s time to give this a break. I want to see what else I can do with my energy. I want to see what other goals I can focus on.

Yes, I do want a partner, but I DO actually have other goals too. They just kind of got pushed to the side. It’s time to move those to the front and put the relationship stuff on the back burner, because quite frankly, it just isn’t fun anymore. These days it’s downright painful. Here is a list of what I’d like to accomplish as my birthday gift to myself:

  • A steady and upbeat mood
  • Physical well being, I’ve been letting myself go and have lost some of the hard earned progress I worked so hard for. I want to feel better about my appearance.
  • Pride in my work
  • Effort into my friendships
  • Caring about myself and how I feel above all others… aka learning to be selfish.

As a reward, not only do I expect to have accomplished much, but I think some fabulous vacation will be in order. Krazy Cat… you reading this girlie? Let’s plan something! Also I think I’m going to finally buy myself the laptop I’ve been wanting at the end of it. That would be kind of a cool birthday present.

Yeah, fuck boyfriends (for now).

IMG_2756You know what sucks? I mean majorly sucks? As soon as I get my hopes up about a guy, they get dashed. Tito and I? No. We are not going to be a “thing.” Just two days after telling you how excited I was about him, I have to take it all back. I feel a bit crushed as I really had feelings for him, but I know it’s not meant to be (it never is, is it?). Apparently we are going to stay friends. Normally I find that “friends” is a completely fake ass word. It doesn’t mean friends at all. It just another way of saying we agreed to part amicably. It means we will send a few texts back and forth and let our once amazing rapport fade into nothingness. Only time really will prove me right or wrong. I don’t have high hopes. Unfortunately this is far from my first rodeo now.

I am disappointed beyond measure, and I feel like a fool. Why do I attract such men? Birdy (who I might mention is a former Marine), didn’t even have the balls to break up with me like a man, and Tito? Well Tito can’t handle shit. So what happened? The guy does not know how to handle any emotion other than happiness. It’s just plain odd. I’ve seen this in other men to a lesser degree. I’ve  often come across men who prefer women to wear a mask of a perfectly smiling happy face.  Show them the fully fledged woman who is in touch with her emotions, however, and  they crumble. Tito has this to the extreme. Because I am a very expressive and emotional person, I have to accept that this just isn’t going to work out the way I had wished. He can’t handle me.

So yeah, it’s best the romance ends now. He isn’t what I need. Damn it, I really liked him. I shared my heart with him and some very deep personal feelings and secrets with him. I let things go too far to fast (and that part is totally my fault, not his). Still, I never seemed to get used to this shit, the rejection. Each time it happens a little piece of me dies inside. One more string of hope is irrevocably cut… and I wonder how much is left. I wonder how much longer I can keep doing this.

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Yes it’s been a long time since I wrote, sometimes I’m too busy living life to write about it (sometimes). For the most part life has been pretty good. Here are some of the things that have put a smile on my face since my last post:

My visit with Crazy Kat. About a month ago the lovely CK came to visit me from Portland. I had the best time. Sometimes you don’t realize how much you miss a person until they are around. CK is the best! She is one of my life’s greatest blessings, and a true friend. She is nothing short of a sister to me. I had the most wonderful time with her, chatting, going for walks around Miami, eating good food, and dipping our feet at the pool at the beautiful Biltmore Hotel. I also finally got to meet Blue Eyes. They guy is absolutely lovely.  I love seeing those two together. Despite their trials, the love they have between them is so obvious — it makes me feel inspired. Anyways, it was a wonderful few days. I hope I can convince them both to come visit more often, and I definitely need to get my fat ass over to Oregon.

Below are a few snaps from our time together:

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Crazy Kat and I spent hours, dipping out feet in this glorious pool. We chatted about everything and nothing.
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Where Vizcaya overlooks Biscayne Bay.
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My first afternoon tea since leaving the UK, inside the beautiful lobby of the Biltmore Hotel in Coral Gables.
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The world’s most incredible key lime pie at The Dutch, inside the W Hotel in South Beach, Miami.

Lobstah sushi: Okay,  so I never thought I’d ever like sushi. I never hated it, but I just could never get into it, and then Tito introduced me to the deliciousness known as lobster sushi. Now the stuff haunts my foodie fantasies. The one he got me was topped with spicy mayonnaise. Mmmm… spicy mayo. Someone at Chanel needs to invent Spicy Mayo No 5 so I can douse it all over me and attract me a man. Who, I ask, would be able to resist me then? I would be freaking unstoppable. They would be stopping on their tracks like a deer in headlights, confounded by my mysterious allure.

My ex. So I am no longer going to refer to my ex as Dr ManWhore anymore, because I don’t see him in that light these days. All is forgiven. Truly. Yeah he did some really bad stuff, but I’m so over it. I think I’m just going to call him Doctor P from this point forward. Recently I got upset over something, and the way that Doctor P patiently listened to me and gave me kind advice meant the world to me. I know he has my back, and genuinely wants my happiness. Who would have guessed that someone who hurt me so badly could be so dramatically redeemed? I love our friendship. I think we are so much better friends than we were husband and wife. Divorce has no winners, but in some strange sort of way I do feel like I won, because I got to keep what meant the most to me from our 18 year romance: a true friend.

Scarface: My favorite TV series ever was The Sopranos. So how I never saw Scarface is a bit of a mystery. I saw it yesterday for the first time. Freaking epic. That is going to go in my top 3 for best movies of all time. It makes me want to be all gangsta and shit. That Tony Montana was a badass mutha fuka. If he was alive I think I’d invite him to afternoon tea. We would drink lapsang souchong from bone chine served with delicate cookies powdered in sugar and crack. At that point I  seduce him in a most unladylike fashion, him AND his super hot friend Manny. Manny was some absolutely smokin’ piece of man candy. Caroline gots the hunger for Cuban sandwich right about now *licks lips.* Oh dear, was that vulgar?

This is going to be my theme song for the next few weeks.

Tito. So who is this Tito guy I mentioned? He may not be Tony Montana, but Tito is kinda a badass mutha fuka too.  I don’t have secrets from you guys, but all will be revealed in time. I met him on Match. This thing started off slow, erupted into a bit of a bonfire, and then experienced quite a hiccup which made me feel somewhat unsettled, so I don’t want to say too much just yet. Maybe we will just end up being friends, but lawd, I am greedy. I want more. What I will reveal at the moment is that Tito is completely lovely. He is smart, kind, and I am very attracted to him. In a short time, he has become incredibly special to me. We spend hours a day texting and talking. I adore his company and the way he treats me. We share secrets and common interests (though our personalities are very different), and we have had a couple fun little adventures thus far. I definitely have feelings for him. Definitely. I think it’s mutual (most of the time), but that hiccup left me with some doubts. Well, one thing I do know is that the Universe has my back, so no matter what happens, I need to trust that life is unfolding in a way which will allow my greatest good. I need to be patient, to be still, to trust… and douse myself liberally in spicy mayo so that Tito is helpless to my charms.

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Valentine’s Day is about to rear its ugly face again. Please, pass me a Hallmark card. Don’t forget the envelope, that’s for the vomit, don’tcha know. I thought this year on my blog I’d do something different. I don’t want to waste space discussing my lamentable love life. Nah, old news. Instead today’s post is sort of a love letter … to myself. And why not? Rather than waiting for some guy to tell me how special I am, maybe I can just do that for myself, after all, they surely don’t know me the way I know me.

I’m trying to turn over a new leaf. It’s not that I’ve given up looking for a partner. It’s just that it’s gradually sinking in that nobody will ever fit the job description better than I will. And so, I want to treat myself with all the love and kindness that my imaginary perfect boyfriend would. Gloria Steinem hit the nail on the head when she said, “Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry.” Is it sad, or is it awesome, that I have more of the qualities I look for in a man inside of me than the men I encounter?

I want to take the time to care about how I feel and do nice little things for myself to make life more beautiful. Should a wonderful man cross my path, well that would be excellent. He could be the cherry on the cake that I baked myself. And should he not come around, well that cake will be damned fine without him. Well that’s what I’m going for anyways.

If I had a partner, I’d love to sit and listen to all the reasons why he loves me. The ego wants what it wants, eh? Who doesn’t like hearing about how awesome they are? Today I write about what I love most about myself, and I kind of recommend you do the same, partner or not. Our partners can be clueless when it comes to knowing how to meet our needs at times. And furthermore, it’s not fair to them to expect them to be mind-readers. Even the best girl/guy won’t be able to accommodate 100% of what we wish from them 100% of the time, so some of that needs to come from ourselves. We all have bad days. They will too. And when we stop giving them the power to effect our mood (easier said than done, for sure), it can be very liberating. I think maybe meeting my own needs isn’t the worst idea I’ve come up with.

Reasons why I love me:

My resilient heart: despite having had my heart broken, time after time, I heal. I heal like a mutha fucka… and I manage to do it without bitterness. I still believe in love, and I will never give up. I leave my heart open to possibilities.

My ability to see the good in people: Some will say it’s naievity, I say it’s anything but. We all have good and bad, we all have beauty. What we find in others is actually a reflection of ourselves, not the person we are observing. I choose to see the good. That’s the way I like my world to be.

My stillness: I like that I am quiet. I like that I can be comfortable not showing off or screaming for attention. I like my soft voice. I think there is beauty in restraint, a peacefulness and an elegance.

My smile: I do have an awesome smile… for real. You would be jealous.

My appreciation for beauty: I love the way my beady little eyes seek out beauty. I think I have an amazing aesthetic. I am able to enjoy all sorts of art from street art to the old masters. I find beauty everywhere I go, and quite frankly, being able to do that makes me feel very wealthy indeed. Maybe it’s because I can appreciate the finer things as well as the simple ones, without the need for ownership. I consider that a very great blessing.

Happy Valentine’s Day to myself, my best girl, my ride or die. I love you.