I have been fiendishly absent, I know.  Work has been kicking my ass, it’s been kinda shitty actually. At times my job is so super stressful. I think I might actually be loosing my hair as a result. Every time I brush, it just seems like so much is shedding. These days my ponytail feels painfully thin.  I now started taking hair vitamins. I persevere. My hope is that in the next several months I can apply for a promotion. While I’m certainly no corporate ladder climbing hamster, a raise sure would be lovely. Think of how many more burgers I could have and all the extra adventures I could go on!

Sometimes the stress does get to me, but I try to always stay focused on the good stuff. One cool thing was that I got to see Chris Rock perform at the HardRock. That has been on my bucket list for aaaages! I remember back in my married days, my ex-husband and I always wanted to see him together… but oh how life changes. I know I don’t have to tell you.  Sometimes things don’t turn out the way you expect, but that isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Such is the case with seeing Chris Rock. It was worth the wait, the show was freaking awesome, as was the company, and it was something I will never forget. It’s another little jewel in my treasure chest of memories. To me, a wonderful experience will always mean more to me than a new toy.

Another cool thing? In less than 3 days time I’ll be accomplishing another New Years resolution: visiting a place I’ve never been before. I’ll be off to Washington D.C. during cherry blossom season. I do hope the trees will be in bloom and that it won’t be too cold — watch this space, shenanigans (mostly that of the food orgy variety) are sure to come. I have some fun plans and some pants with an elastic waistband at the ready. Yeah, it’s gonna be good! If you have any cool D.C. recommendations, please share. I’m still working on my itinerary.

To offset all this eating I have planned in my future, I’m getting a Fitbit. I actually live an extremely sedentary lifestyle, and I want that to change. I already downloaded the Fitbit app to my iPhone, and though I’ve only had it a week, I am feeling pretty motivated by the whole thing.  I can’t wait to get my wristband thingy in the mail. Today I actually walked over 17,000 steps. I was very pleased with myself. I already conjured up this mental vision of the super slim supermodel I’m going to become. But if this weekend was anything to go by, you would be right to be somewhat dubious. I discovered a super fun restaurant in the most unlikely of places, a strip mall. The food is amazingly fresh and inventive, and very representative of what I’d consider to be Florida cuisine at it’s finest. The place is called Little Moir’s Food Shack. I loved sitting at the bar area, facing the open kitchen were I could watch all the goodies being prepared. OMG, I can’t wait to go back.

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I couldn’t pass up photographic the windows, completely covered in stickers. The place has a very unusual sort of hipstery charm.

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Fried oysters on a bed of greens

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Coconut crusted fish: this was freakishly spectacular. It wasn’t any crappy desiccated coconut either. This was made with fresh shreds of coconut meat. My belly is going to have naughty sex dreams about it.
That’s pretty much it. I do have a wonderful new development unfolding in my life right now. Although  it’s quite uncharacteristic of me, I’m going to keep it to myself for the time being. Right now it feels like a special little secret, and for now I think I’d like to keep it that way.

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Last night I blocked Mr Big. I had enough. I don’t like who I am when I’m with him, and I don’t like how he makes me feel. The guy just thinks he is, as they say in England, “the dog’s bullocks,” when in fact, he’s just a dick. 

Different guy, but the story is the same. He basically went through a lot of trouble to get my attention so that he could ignore me and make me feel like I had no worth. I’ve been through this many times now. It’s painful, and I’m so sick of it. It’s obviously a pattern in my relationships with men. I’m not exactly sure why I attract this behavior. What do you think? Can you see what am I doing wrong? How do I break the cycle?

As I write this I am so upset. I’ve been sitting on the floor crying… more out of frustration than anything else. I didn’t love Mr. Big. Hell, I’m don’t think I even liked him. I was more interested in the idea of him and the possibilities he could bring into my life. All these guys I meet, it’s the same story. They come on strong at first, and as my feelings develop I see that their hearts are closed doors. They don’t want love. They want a chase, they want to be admired and flattered, but they don’t want anything beyond that. I hate the cynicism that I feel growing. I hate bearing the constant brunt of rejection. I hate how angry I feel at this moment. I’m also so fucking scared. I’m scared that this is all there is. I’m terrified that this is just how my life is going to be. Yes, being single has some great benefits. But let me be real: I am lonely, and feeling lonely is not fun. I know that’s a very unpopular thing to admit, but I don’t blog so I can post a bunch of fake shit for you guys to read. I blog because I need to give voice to my truth. The truth is that I am not alone because it’s my choice, and I love my freedom (though I do try to make the best of it). I’m alone because despite all my efforts, I can’t find a partner. I absolutely can not come to terms with it. I can’t understand or accept it. I know that I deserve more. I have no idea how it’s going to come, but I just have to believe that God is going to do right by me. I was an awesome wife and a good girlfriend … but I’m always left behind, to the point where I now have terrible abandonment issues.

I’m not angry at Mr Big. I knew what I was dealing with. He is who he is. I also know that ending contact with him was the right thing to do. I don’t feel bad about that. I am actually pleased with myself for ending things with a man who put me in a position where I felt that I had to chase him for affection. I have too much to offer than to beg for crumbs. I took a chance, and it failed. Big deal. I actually love that despite all my downfalls, I keep trying. I’m just so frustrated. This too shall pass I guess. I heard a great quote, “nothing in nature blooms all year.” Meaning there is a season for everything. This one is just not mine. I just have to nurture myself and wait for the flowers to come back. I have to have to faith that my blooms will return.

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Mr Big. I don’t think he is going to work. I am not deleting him from my life, I will keep him – but at arm’s length. I just can’t handle the guy.  He rubs off on me in a way which feels very negative and toxic. He makes me feel bad. He says I’m a drama queen. Maybe I am. He is not the first to say so. We are just so different, and I am beginning to doubt we will ever find common ground. I don’t think he is capable of giving me affection in a way which I would find satisfying. When it comes to him I need to expect nothing. And gosh, when I think about that and how absolutely rock bottom my standards are, I feel so deeply sad. There was a moment last week where I felt we really connected, but I’m starting to think that was all in my head.

He likes me most when I’m ignoring him and refusing to meet up. That’s when he makes an effort. That’s when I get texts. Once we do meet, he ignores me for days on end. When I confront him he is dismissive. Sometimes he is just cruel. At the moment, as I write this, I can honestly tell you that I don’t even like him. This is what my relationship with him has been like over the last two years. This is why we go for such long periods without uttering a word.

There’s another guy too. I shall call him Prince.  Prince is super handsome. I am really attracted to him. I met him only once, through work. He is 5 years younger than me. He is muscular and has a lot of tattoos. I find tattoos very sexy! Prince and I send each other flirty texts, but we never met outside that one occasion, which was totally work related. I am not sure what to make of him. I’m not sure how deep his interest in me is, or wether he has the time for a relationship. Our work schedules conflict quite a bit, and like Mr Big, he is always on the go.  His father is quite ill and he has a young daughter. I don’t know if there is any room for me there. I feel very flattered to have his attention, if nothing else. Unlike Mr Big, he did wish me Happy Valentine’s Day and we texted for like two hours. That was fun.

I get attention from both of them that is very stop and go. Neither is a constant. Neither of them is an actual part of my life. And the truth is, even if i had the attention from loads of men,  if it’s not from the man I really want, what does it matter?

Well fuck them all. The man I want. The men I don’t. At the end of the day, the fact remains that I’m as spinster as they come. Well… did I tell you that this spinster is going to Paris?! More to come.

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Valentine’s Day. I loathe you. When I think of you I vomit in my mouth a little. For the last three years you have been a source of grief. It’s my fault, of course. I let you tell me that something is wrong with me because I don’t have a man in my life, and that is bullshit!

Valentine’s Day this year falls on a Tuesday. I’ll be working and I hope the day will pass without too much fanfare. At work they like to make big deals out of all the holidays. There will be a potluck, I know that much. They may as well call it,  “The Let Me Eat My Feelings Free for All” LOL. I refuse to partake in such shenanigans. I’m saving myself for food that is not laced with bitterness and unrequited love — oh dear, I must get out more. I am turning into Sylvia Plath.

There is a guy showing me some interest. Actually I have known him for two years. For the sake of this blog, I’ll call him Mr Big because he is definitely one of those larger than life characters that you don’t come across too often. He is loud, brash, and sometimes downright rude and horrible. He is also the smartest person I ever met. He has a brilliant mind with an IQ that ventures into Einstein levels. He is also very successful. We are total opposites. He is completely out there, while I am quiet, arty, and romantic. That is part of what he likes about me. The thing is, sometimes we clash terribly, which is why we never had a real relationship. I am starting to look at Mr Big with new eyes though.  There are two main reasons:

  1. Despite the fact that we can really rub each other the wrong way, and we might stop talking for long periods of time, he has never given up on me. He is steadfast. This is a quality I’ve been searching for in a partner since my marriage ended. We live during a time where humans treat each other as disposable. Everything is expected to be fast and easy. If it’s not, you throw it away and start again. The world is full of choices, after all, and the possibilities are endless. I don’t like this mentality. It’s fine for things, but not for people. People have hearts and memories, and if you hurt them, the effects can be very long lasting. Despite getting quite angry at me, Mr Big has never given up on me- and trust me, I can throw one hell of hissy when I’m provoked (and so can he for that matter)! He has seen me in my “special moments” – at times, he has been the cause of them. But guess what? He never left.
  2. I don’t have to convince him of anything. One great source of pain in past relationships is that I always felt I had to convince whoever I cared for that I was enough- that I’m pretty enough, smart enough … etc.  I wanted to prove that I was worth sticking around for. Mr Big wants me with a capital W. He tells me I’m beautiful, that I’m smart, and he likes talking to me. I don’t go out of my way to impress him, he just kind of adores me.  And get this, he is not afraid to use the “L” word!  It is so nice to be in the company of a man who is not all wishy washy. Mr Big knows what he wants, and that just so happens to be me. How cool is that?!

I don’t know if this can work out. At best, we can compliment each other beautifully, but because of his bluntness and my over sensitivity, sometimes things get volatile. There are times where he is just too much for me. Maybe if I can keep my cool, and he can do the same… maybe…

Could the person I’ve been looking for be the one that’s been around all along, or should I just stick to cake?

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“Be Brave” by Tracy Emin

Life has been quiet, but good. After Birdy I decided I’d give up on dating for the moment. I am trying to teach myself to be happy on my own, and I think I’m doing a really decent job. I definitely need a time out from men and the roller coaster of feelings that they seem to be accompanied by. I know a good reason that I have sought love with such desperate fervor in the past was about escapism (watch this video on YouTube, it says it all). It’s time to deal with myself. I’m keeping myself in good spirits all on my own these days (well… most days), and some nice little things have been happening along the way.

  • I  had an evaluation at work. I did well, and even ended up with a teeny tiny raise! I was not expecting that at all. I am growing ever more confident in my job, despite the craziness.
  • Two men called me beautiful. What can I say? It always feels good to get a compliment, even if I’m not interested in dating. Back when I was married I lived quite an isolated life. I never got male attention, so I am still finding it to be a fun novelty.
  • I’m dealing with far fewer negative emotions. For the most part, I am  happy and peaceful. That’s saying a lot actually. I listen to happy music. I read happy books. I do my best to fill my head with good thoughts. I sit in the sun (with SPF on of course). I treat myself kindly. I am on a constant mission to fill my cup with good things. I think at some point I really got depleted… but that is turning around.

I have one main goal, despite my various New Years resolutions: being happy and at peace.  Nevertheless, I am working on that resolution stuff too. As of February 1st I have begun my Diet Coke detox. I’m not going cold turkey, I’m phasing it out. It’s only been a few days, but it has been much easier than I thought. I haven’t gotten any withdrawal headaches like I’ve gotten during previous attempts. I’m trading in my daily bottle for two cups of hot lemon water on Monday-Friday. I will still indulge on the weekend, and then next month I’ll tighten that up some more. Let’s see how it goes. I love feeling like I’m getting all the nasty chemicals out of my system. I also love not being on birth control anymore. My skin is starting to look so much better, and I don’t have any wired stuff going on with my period anymore. I’m just as I should be.

I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that I don’t sometimes jump when I get a text message, hoping that Birdy realized he made a mistake, that I’m a pretty awesome woman after all. No, I haven’t gotten a text like that. Instead I see my iPhone’s wall paper with a message I left for my own self. It say “be brave.” 

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I’m back from NYC. Somebody please remind me to stop booking holidays in the dead of winter. I freaking hate the cold! If you are going to brave the tundra,  a word of advice: $3 gloves from Target are NOT going to cut it. Why must I learn everything the hard way? Damn it!

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On day one, my first stop was to get one of my favorite NYC treats, something I’ve talked about on my blog time and time again: the divine morsel known as the chocolate chip and walnut cookie from Levain. I walked 20 min in the snow for this thing. It was worth it.

Following that, I had a browse around the Met Breuer, and I walked up and down Madison Avenue where all the luxury boutiques are. I can’t really afford to buy anything there, but I do enjoy a bit of window shopping. This penniless extravaganza culminated at Barney’s — just another in the line of many stores I went to where normal people can’t buy stuff. This is where I treated myself to a delicious robiola and truffle “pizza” and met a very unusual woman who started a random conversation with me. To say she was odd, would be an understatement. She had a giant feather in her fluffy white/blonde hair. She claimed to be Danish royalty (not like I asked LOL). For the life of me, I couldn’t figure out if she was on crack or she really was some brain addled royal–only in New York! I love it!

Day two was all about hunting Invader’s Space Invaders in downtown NYC- it’s street art of a very interactive sort. I’m sure most of you won’t be familiar with it, but it’s kind of like Pokemon Go, except these pixelated mosaics scattered through the city really do exist. When you find them, you snap a picture, and you get points. So, not to intimidate you guys, but I am the 3,169th best Invader hunter in the world according to the app. I have the frost bitten fingers to show for it.  During this trip I found a total of 10. And guess what my lovelies?!?! I just read that Invader is going to be doing an exhibit in Paris soon. I am so tempted to book a ticket. I happen to have 36 vacation hours stored away at the moment, and I desperately want to revisit what I think is one of the most amazing cities in the world, so watch this space. Adventure calls! Anyone up for it?

Aside from the above beauties (you can click on the image for a larger version), I also found some other cool street art. Here are some of my favorite pictures:

All the walking I did that day was fueled by the most gloriously ginormous wedge of French toast at the Landmarc. At $26 for tea and toast, it’s not exactly a cheap eat, but this is a Caroline must! And trust me, when it comes to food, I’ll never steer you wrong. Don’t come to NYC without putting one of these in your belly. And that leads me to my next cold weather tip: don’t be afraid to blubber up.
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So day two was spent downtown. I explored Soho a bit, snapped street art, ate some good food, and I totally wore myself out. By the end of the day I was absolutely exhausted.

Day three, however, was all about pampering myself. Really, that is the main reason I wanted to go to New York in the first place. Life had been wearing me down. I was nursing my wounds about Birdy ending things with me. Actually, I’m still sad about.  Not a day goes by that I don’t think about him and miss his company. Instead of time making things better, it actually feels worse now. NYC was supposed to be a “pick me up.” I had my yearly hair cut, this time at Oscar Blandi — and I have to say, my stylist (her name was Ingrid) did a really awesome job.  A week later and I’m still admiring it. I had a gorgeous meal at Benoit, and then I went on to browse my favorite 5th Avenue shops: Henri Bendel and Bergdorf Goodman. I made a nuisance of myself  at the cosmetics counter and sampled all the fab new perfumes. That’s always fun for me.

The most special part of that day, however, was my visit to Tiffnay & Co. You see, there was this necklace

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And while I didn’t get breakfast at Tiffany’s, I was served some lovely green tea on a bitterly cold day. 

I planned to buy it for by birthday, but then I decided why wait? Wouldn’t it be more special to buy it at Audrey Hepburn’s Tiffany? Um … yes. It would. This necklace has a significance to me. It’s a gift from me to me. It’s a reminder that even if no one else recognizes my worth, I do. It is a reminder that I am deserving and good, no matter anyone’s opinion.  I am tired of waiting for a man to treat me well. I’m going to do it myself where and when I can. Life is too fucking short for anything else.

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Henri Rousseau’s The Dream at the MoMA. It almost made me cry.

Day four was spent in my favorite NYC museum: the MoMA, where I got to feast on eyes on the most beautiful treasures from Rousseau to Van Gogh, and there were plenty of Andy Warhols thrown in for good measure. I don’t know about you guys,  but for me, food feeds my belly and art feeds my soul. This is the kind of stuff I live for.

My final day was a quiet one. I went to my favorite NYC happy place: Murray’s bagels, and filled my belly with my quintessential NYC eat:

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This was followed by a peaceful morning at  the Strand bookstore, before making my way to the airport (where I was practically molested as I was going through security by the way).
… and that’s it dollies. There’s so much more to show you. If you want to check it out, come visit me over on Instagram. I took plenty of pictures.

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Got your kick ass shoes ready for 2017?

Overall, I’d say 2016 was a good year. It had its ups and downs, but I can honestly say that my life is moving in a positive direction. It has been a year of intense growth. I can look back on it without any sadness or regret. In my book, that’s a success.

Things I accomplished this year:

  • For the first time I have medical insurance and a 401k… how freakishly adult is that?!
  • I became a licensed claims adjuster. I even have a certificate to prove it.
  • I’ve been to New Orleans, Arizona, and I saw the Grand Canyon, I ate tons of good food, and saw some great art.
  • I have a good job (even if it is a lot of work), AND I haven’t been fired.
  • I am surrounded by good people.
  • I’m getting stronger. I know it because I’m able to be more open with people. I’m less afraid to loose those that I care about. I’m realizing that if someone is meant to be in my life, they will be. This is true regardless of any stupid mistakes I make.
  • Although I have always HATED the phrase “you have to love yourself before anyone else will,” I am slowly starting to do that. Just in case you are wondering how I attempt such a feat, I make it a conscious effort to ask myself “what would a person who loves herself do?” when I am faced with choices. It is a habit I am trying to ingrain into my thought process.

For the upcoming year, I have some new things I’d like to accomplish:

  • Proficiency and competence in my job. I like to feel confident that I can handle things and that I know what I’m doing. Right now I’m kind of winging it. I take it day by day.
  • As for my travel goals, I’d like to visit somewhere I’ve never been. If I make this a goal year after year, I think I shall become quite worldly.
  • I plan to finally buy a car. I’ve been holding it off for a very long time because of the expense and responsibility,  but it’s not easy living in America without transportation. It’s time for me to suck it up, and get with the program. I’m hoping that the freedom having a car gives me will be worth the expense.
  • I’d like to get rid of Diet Coke from my life (and aspartame in general). I am addicted to the stuff, and I know it’s not healthy. Once upon a time I did kick my nasty habit. I did it for about two years… then my divorce happened and things went to shit. On the good side, it’s not crack. Crack I reserve for the weekend when Satan and have our knitting session. We knit, we gossip, we do some lines. It’s how we roll. Hey … kidding … I don’t even know how to knit 😜.
  • Financially I have an idea of how much I’d like to have stowed away in the bank… but you know … life.
  • I’d love to get to 120 pounds. I’ve never been able to reach that goal. Well maybe somewhere in my lifetime I was 120 pounds for one day, but can you believe that I never knew which day that was? Maybe I was 12?!? Being a foodie and maintaining a fabulous figure … no. One Levain cookie and I’m popping out of my jeans like a can of Pillsbury dough when the tab is pulled.
  • I wouldn’t be honest if I didn’t admit that I’d like to find love too. It’s not a goal, so much as it is a wish. It will come when the time is right, but it would be the best thing ever if it happened sooner rather than later.

I’m going to be ringing in the new year alone. I wish it could be otherwise, but it is what it is. I doubt I’ll stay up till midnight, but if I do, I will blow you all a kiss.  I’d like to wish you a very Happy New Year. I send you lots of love and good wishes for 2017.

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Sometimes the head knows something, but the heart needs to catch up. Such is the case with me. During the day I’m so busy with work that there is little time to be sad about Birdy, but when I do have a few moments alone to think, sorrow seeps in through the cracks. I wish I didn’t care. I wish I was one of those strong women who just immediately recognizes her worth and never looks back. The way things went down, I can only extrapolate that despite my feelings for him, Birdy neither respected or valued me. That’s what hurts the most, coming to grips with the realization that I meant nothing to him.

Despite this, I am handling this somewhat better than  I would have expected. Because Birdy was quite distant in the first place, I am not feeling his loss that traumatically. I was always profoundly aware that I never “had” him in the first place. He would take hours to return my texts (if at all), and he would often keep me hanging about if he would spend time with me on the weekend. I’d have to drop my plans at a moments notice if and when he decided to grace me with is presence– not cool … but I always jumped when he requested, and I have only myself to blame for that. That’s something I have to work on. Rationally, I know what I’m supposed to do here. I’m supposed to be thankful for the fun times we had (and I felt that there were many), and take what I learned about myself and how I deal with the opposite sex, and move on to something more fulfilling. There are seven million people in the world. Surely amongst them, someone is a match for me.

Perhaps I have to redefine Prince Charming. Maybe Prince Charming is just some shiny asshole in tinfoil. Who would want a knight in shining armor? All pristine and bright but never tested in battle. Maybe what I am looking for is a man who is as tarnished and battle worn as myself.

I wanted to take some kind of action. What could I do to get my head into a happier space while my heart could catch up with reality? I know one place where sadness has a tough time reaching me: New York City. Just like Superman retreats to his Fortress of Solitude, Caroline too feels recharged when she is back in the The City (it’s something of a spiritual homeland for me). What will I find there? Well actually I won’t be looking for anything. I just want to eat a bagel at Murray’s, walk through Central Park with a Levain cookie in my hand, and get lost in one of the world’s most amazing cities as I immerse myself in art and culture. So that’s exactly what I did. I booked myself a very last minute holiday.

It’s very unlike me to make travel decisions without great forethought, but the weekend following New Years, I’m off to New York for five days. I got a fab deal! I think it might be exactly what I need. I need to treat myself the way I want to be treated: with love, kindness, and dignity. This is what a woman who loves herself would do, so that’s exactly what I did.

I want to thank all of you for your very kind words and sweet comments on my previous post. Although I have only “met” a couple of you, I genuinely feel like you are my friends. It means so much to me the way that you have been my support system. I adore you ladies!

Thank you ❤ and happy holidays to you all!

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Silly Caroline with her head in the clouds. Not long ago she told you that things were going kinda well as far as Birdy was concerned. She met his parents and foolishly considered it a milestone in their relationship. Perhaps it wasn’t a relationship at all, because despite their intimacy, Caroline was never his girlfriend. She was told this. She did not listen. She only pretended to understand. The heart eats lies when it is hungry enough, even if they are lies we tell ourselves.

Yesterday I got a text from Birdy. I hadn’t heard from him in a while. He told me he was being distant because he was displeased with me (my words, not his). Basically, he does all this stuff for me (which he does, and I have always felt very grateful for it), and I, in return don’t make an effort with myself. I don’t feel like getting into this in great detail, because 1) it makes me feel embarrassed/ashamed and 2) it kind of hurts to write about this. I feel not unlike how I felt when my husband told me that I was not attractive.

I replied to him. I told him that I would make a greater effort. I was quite submissive about the whole thing. It’s how I know how to diffuse a situation. I didn’t really stand up for myself, I just kind of lowered my wings of humility, despite the emotions that were coursing through me.  I guess that wasn’t enough though because he didn’t reply. He also didn’t take my call when I tried to talk things through with him.

The truth is I adored him. He is smart, handsome, and passionate. We had some amazing times together– or at least I thought we did. We share many ideals. But I think in addition to his many amazing qualities, he can also be very cold and dismissive of me. I never liked that part, but I accepted it, because I thought he was worth it. I thought maybe he’d see how much I care for him and come around.

Of course, being Caroline, I cried. I am always crying. My heart is just too soft. Despite all I’ve been through, I never developed a protective shell around it. My mother came to comfort me. I told her I’d be okay. I reminded her that I had once lost a man that I loved for 18 years, and I survived it. It was the greatest trial of my life. I could surely get over Birdy. And I meant it. And I will. But I hurt. I really thought things were moving in a positive direction. I would have bet money that he was finally warming up to me. I seriously misjudged.

Look, I know that you can’t keep someone that doesn’t want to be with you. Quite frankly, I don’t want to feel like I have to “trap” a man to keep him by my side anyway. I want more for myself than that. I want to be a prize, not someone who has to fight tooth and nail for affection.

What is wrong with me? How come no man ever looks at me and recognizes how much I have to offer? How come no man ever thinks that he would be lucky to have me? Why do I always feel like I have to convince someone that I am worthwhile?

I’m okay. At this point in my life I’ve been hurt enough times that the blows don’t shatter me anymore. But FUCK! I’m tired of this. Is this never going to happen for me?

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“Nice” is for milk toast. It does not describe who I am.

People  who don’t know any better see me as this outwardly zen woman, completely at peace. They see someone who is quiet, gentle, and has a soft voice. Yes, that is who I am … on the outside. It is part of me. Inside me lives something totally different, and there is one person in my life who I wish could see the real me. I wish they could see my fire, and how strong and brave I can be– rather than this mouse that I seem to come across as.

It’s fine if most people view me that way. There are advantages to having this kind of persona. People are kinder to you, more willing to help, and more willing to talk to someone who comes across as non threatening. In my job, I use this to my advantage all the time. I’m great at making people feel comfortable, accepted, and important. I think it’s actually one of my greatest skills… but … I am more than that. I am not a slice of milk toast.

Part of it is that I’m an introvert. I’ve always been. I accept it, I like it, and I have no wish to change it. But there is this particular person I wish to impress. When I am around them, I find myself choking on my words, and I hate that! I know it’s kind of childish to ache for recognition. I remind myself of those little kids saying, “look at me mommy.” I don’t want to be that. Begging for attention is demeaning. But oh, how my insides ache to be recognized!

Still,  there is the me that lives inside my skin that sometimes wants to shout from the rooftops.  It wants to scream at the top of her lungs, and I’m sure it’s a voice so loud that it could shake the earth.

Mousey? No. That is not who I am. I am soft spoken and introspective, but I am no mouse.

Are you familiar with the “I Am” statement? “I Am” are two of the most powerful words in the universe. They are our mission statement, and how we define ourselves to our own self as well as the outside world. The words that follow “I Am” need to be positive, powerful, and in alignment with your core- the very truest part of you.

So who am I? I have thought long and hard about this.

  • I am regal.
  • I am gracious.
  • I am kind.
  • I am thankful.
  • I am passionate.
  • I am loving.
  • I am beautiful.
  • I am artistic.
  • I am brave.
  • I am unique and irreplaceable.

Whenever you start a sentence with “I Am” you are creating. You are deciding who you are and what you want to be. Don’t feel afraid to come off as conceited. Why do women always feel the need to belittle themselves to make others feel comfortable? Fuck that. Own who you are. So, who are you?