Let me start with a recommendation of what NOT to do when you are in New York. Don’t go to Vu Hair at the Peninsula Hotel. DON’T!!!!  Do. Fucking. Not!!! Getting my hair cut in New York has always been a treat for me. I try to go somewhere special. It’s a little way I like to spoil myself. This time I was trying a lovely sounding salon on the 22nd floor of a grand hotel. It got great Yelp reviews. I was excited. Well… Moi was in for a nasty surprise. ScissorHands did not listen to me when I told him what I wanted: three to four inches off the bottom and layering on the side.  Instead, my almost waist long hair (when straightened) was hacked to little more than shoulder length (a good 8 inches off). I was devastated. Into the lobby bathroom I went, where I cried for about twenty minutes — well, if you are going to cry like a big baby, it might as well be in some fancy bathroom. It heightens the drama. Am I right?

I always thought my hair was the most special part of me, the thing that made me pretty. My hair has always been long. From childhood, I have associated long hair with beauty. So to have it chopped so significantly… it was both shocking and somewhat devastating. It’s just hair, I know, but somehow the end result felt so brutal. Yeah, yeah, “it will grow back,” they tell me, like this is going to make things better. IN A FUCKING YEAR!!!! I now feel as attractive as a sack of potatoes.  Maybe I shouldn’t be so vain. I am more than what I look like. I know that. But even now as I write, I’m still upset about it. Traumatic.

Fuck that though. I’m still gonna roll like a gangsta. Shitty hair be damned. I shall move from the worst part of my vacation to the best. I saw my first ever concert. Going to see Florence + The Machine was the main reason for my trip. I didn’t know what to expect. Yeah, I could have seen her closer to home, but why would I do that when I could see her in Brooklyn? Makes no sense. Was it weird that I was going alone? Maybe a little, huh? I was nervous. Dealing with the unknown is always a little scary for me, but at the same time, I try to be brave. I don’t want life to pass me by. Was I going to stick out like a sore thumb? Was it going to be just completely and utterly awkward? 

Actually my dears, it was awesome. Ah Florence… could I possibly be more in love? Words don’t describe it. Her angelic aura, her super powerful voice, the way she danced in her diaphanous gown and bare feet, her beautiful bright spirit that lit up the Barclay Center. She is just so utterly lovely. Mostly she sang songs from her newest release, “High as Hope,” but there were some of her beloved classics too. Magical my lovelies, magical. I sang (yes, me!) … I even danced (if you could call it that). It was so special, a memory I will cherish forever.

Florence-the-Machine-barclays-oct-2018-billboard-1548

Of course there was plenty of eating. You know how I do, dollies. But I mostly stuck with my old favorites, so I am not going to bore you with stuff I’ve already written about previously. Suffice it to say, weight was surely gained. Need a fat ass to balance my awkward coiffure, methinks. And then there was the street art.

I found five Invader pieces to add to Moi collection. That always thrills me to bits.

And then I have some other beauties to share…

IMG_6516
Random fabulous
IMG_6481
Gumshoe Art, aka Angela China
IMG_5980
Public art installation by Derek Fordjour
IMG_6462
Vandal Gummy
IMG_6058
Piece by Buff Monster, Brooklyn
IMG_6486
Not Bad For a Girl, Indie184
IMG_6508
D*Face — somewhere of off Lafayette and Broome Street

IMG_4967.jpg

I make really poor food choices when I go on holiday. It starts from the beginning, at the airport. I am not to blame. It’s Lakeshia. She is someone I shared a Diet Coke with in Salt Lake City. We started off with a gigantic peanut butter cup… and the games began. From the beginning of the trip, to its culmination… all poor nutritional nutritional decision making were solely hers. Got that? She is naughty. She makes me do bad things.

Really, I don’t know how to tell you all the wonderful things that happened on my eight days of vacation, and I loathe to try. I mean ugh. I’d be typing forever! I am not one for writing super long posts, and I am not one for reading super long posts, so I will be leaving out A LOT of stuff. This is just a sampling of highlights.

First let’s start with Oregon. Portland is all about food. It’s my kind of city for sure, so food is where I shall begin:

Pok Pok: OMG those chicken wings. Totally worth the hype. I swear it. They smell a little odd (it’s the fish sauce), but wow. There is this sweet and spicy thing going on that is just perfection. If it was just me and Crazy Kat, I might have licked the plate, but her husband was there, and he don’t know me like that (though I think he has an inkling).

4590-article_item.jpg

The lavender honey ice cream at Salt & Straw … swoon worthy. They have a lot of amazing flavors, from the weird (and I mean super crazy and kinda yuck sounding, like bone marrow!), to the wonderful, but the lavender honey is the one that gets my vote. There is something about that flavor that just completely does it for me. I should also mention that the people who work there are fab. It makes a good experience even better.

IMG_4998.jpg
I really am a piglet. That’s definitely my porcine digits you see holding that big old cone aloft. I don’t do things by halves.

The biscuits at this most adorable little shop ever, Lauretta Jean’s. Oh gosh, these were sooooo good. Perfect, simple, and decadent. Gobs of butter, and a touch of honey. I was in heaven. Plus I just adored the vintage setting and all of the irresistible homemade pies on display which seemed to speak to me in a way that only my very own piglet ears can hear. Really, the place was unbearably charming.

IMG_5381.jpg

After biscuits we went street art hunting, and Portland actually has a great street art scene. I discovered a new artist I love called Fin DAC. Check out how clever this piece is. The geisha’s hair is actually composed of live plants. I believe this piece is called “Gratitude.”

IMG_5397.jpg

And really, there are so much more art pieces worth showing you, but it feels strange to me to lump them all together. I feel like it starts to cheapen the specialness of each individual work, so I’m not going do do that. Again, this post is just about showing you SOME of what I found special.

International Rose Test Garden– beautiful roses as far as the eye can see. Portland is actually known as the City of Roses, so there is no better place for this garden to exist. Some roses gave off the most exquisite fragrances, while some smelled of nothing. It’s somewhat odd being surrounded by so much beauty, you almost become numbed to it after a while. Each rose is more beautiful than the next. It was a wonderful experience, a Portland excursion that should not be missed.  I imagine that the rose garden would be an amazing setting to get married in *le sigh* … maybe one day.  Or donuts, those are fine too.

IMG_5062.jpg

Blue Star Donuts… okay the huge and slow moving line? So annoying, yet it was worth it. I got to try every donut I wanted. I tried five. Hey… be quiet okay? It is so cool being an adult because you can eat ungodly amounts of donut and nobody will stop you. It’s the law LOL!!! My favorite was the orange olive oil donut. It was so good that I bought some for the return flight home… because I could, and by that point I was already super fat, so whatever. And by the way, I did also try Voodoo Doughnuts, because how could I not? Save your calories. Kitch factor galore and a good Instagram opportunity for sure, but so meh!

0B122ACD-BDDD-402E-B121-AC6248E42F11.jpg

IMG_5034.jpg

Crazy Kat’s stunning beach house in Arch Cape is  a contemporary masterpiece. Wow, that place is beyond impressive. I love knowing that someone I love so much gets something that gorgeous. A queen deserves a castle… on the beach… with fabulous bath tubs. Sometimes nature is lost on me, but through a giant glass wall in a luxury setting, the sunset looks especially beautiful. I can see why her Instagram is always peppered with so many sunsets! While in Arch Cape, we went to Cannon Beach where I got to see Haystack Rock. It was a rock formation that was pivotal in finding the pirate treasure in the 80s film, The Goonies. I found treasure in Oregon too. Problem is, I ate it.

IMG_5163

IMG_5156

IMG_5165

And Seattle? Well, I believe the first thing we did after grabbing some chocolates at Fran’s was to head to the famed Pike Place Market: a rabbit warren of fruits, vegetables, “flying” fish and all manner of touristy knickknacks that you will never find a use for.

Fran’s Chocolate: I was desperate to try the famed Coconut Gold Bar that was featured on the Food Network’s “Best Thing I Ever Ate.” Chocolate and coconut is always a winner for me, but best thing I ever ate? Nope. I mean, it was good, but it wasn’t even in that vicinity. I did however find something in Seattle that did fit that bill though. It was a cake that will haunt my dreams forever. The Gateau Basque at a place called Sitka & Spruce. I die. Truly. I wrote to them to ask for the recipe. I do hope they respond.

IMG_5285.jpg

Of course I got to see the famous Space Needle. I like to think of it as the Eiffel Tower of the American west. It was right next to the Chihuly Garden and Glass where CK and I saw some stunning glass sculptures. Amongst all the gorgeousness, this one, by far, was my favorite:

IMG_5271.jpg

And of course I have to share some Seattle Street Art. D*Face was recently in Seattle doing an exhibit at Treason Gallery, and did two awesome murals, which I was only able to find thanks to CK. She is becoming quite adept at hunting street art. The first, “Careless Whisper” is not my photo, I just couldn’t get a good shot with all the cars that were parked in front of it. The second is of Kurt Cobain, who I consider synonymous with Seattle.

Untitled.jpg

IMG_5311.jpg

I can’t possibly end this post without saying how much I adore Crazy Kat and her wonderful husband Blue Eyes (not to mention her two lovely boys which I finally had the pleasure of meeting). They are so kind and good to me.  I don’t know how I lucked out by meeting CK, but rather than question it, I thank thank the Universe for my good fortune. While I was there, it felt like every day was my birthday. Lots of love and thanks go out to you CK (though dear, you are an enabler, you totally let Lakeshia have her way… and we love you for it).

Untitled.jpg

tea.jpg
Lavender lattes: it’s a full blown obsession now. I have to figure out how to make them.

Sorry I haven’t written much lately. Sometimes life just isn’t all that exciting and so there is no point boring anyone with the minutiae. All is well. Next month I should have a fabulous post to write. I am super looking forward to seeing Crazy Kat in Portland (I’ve never been that far west before), and hopefully there will be  a little excursion into Seattle as well. I adore CK, and I always have the best time in her company. If you read my blog regularly, you know how much I love to travel. I try to see a new place every year, it’s one of my goals. Food, art, and travel; these are my passions in life. When I travel, I usually get to satisfy all three, so there is really nothing I anticipate more than a holiday away from my little cubicle at work. And anticipation? In my book, that’s half the fun.

Things are going well at work. I have a new boss. She started several weeks ago, and so far she seems absolutely lovely.  It’s a pleasure working with her. My new team that I got moved to is awesome too. It’s all good in the hood. I actually just celebrated my two year anniversary with the company. That’s a record for me since being back in Florida. Truth be told, however, I’m feeling kind of burnt out. Work has been trying, and a break is long overdue.

So what else? Well I went on a few dates. Nobody worth pursuing romantically, but I did meet a guy who I developed a friendship with. He is very sweet, I just didn’t feel any sparks. I want sparks.  I’m not going to settle. I’d rather be alone than with the wrong man, and being alone is no longer feeling as burdensome as it used to. So this guy, I’m not terribly attracted to him, and his life situation is not conducive to a relationship, but he makes for an awesome friend. We text often and go out to eat every once in a while. It’s nice to having company and to  have someone I can be a bit silly with, but that’s all it is. We don’t do anything more than hug. This time around I’m a lot more selective. Do you know what else? These days I just tell a guy if I’m not feeling anything. Before I used to be so afraid of not hurting anyone’s feelings. Now I just tell them in the kindest way I know how, that I don’t want to pursue anything. And do you know what? I learned that most men appreciate this. Honesty really is the best way to go. From personal experience, I learned that there are few things worse than having your emotions toyed with, so this is why I force myself to be direct. Life is too short to do otherwise. I guess this means I’m learning to value myself better.

I guess you can say that these days I’m dating myself. I try to follow what makes ME happy, and frankly, I’m pretty freaking good at it. I might just be my best boyfriend evvvvvaaaaa. In fact, just yesterday I took myself out for the most delicious lavender latte at a charming little local tea shop called The Modern Rose. And today we (and I use the word “we” in the sense of the royal we) are going to the movies. I am going to watch Crazy Rich Asians – as we are in the mood for something silly and light hearted. There might be some chocolate covered Godiva macaroons involved (my favorite Scooby snack). Hey … come on… might???? You know they totally are involved LOL.

So anyway, just saying hi. Haven’t forgotten you. Didn’t slip into a black hole in the blogosphere… just laying low a bit. What have you been up to?

Tons of love,

Caroline

Things have been very even and quiet. Nothing monumentally exciting since my birthday post. These days, I’m happy to say, that although there are a few bored days, sad days have declined dramatically, which is completely awesome. Is it because I’m not stressing over any guys anymore? I wonder. As usual, I always try to find happiness where it’s available. I try to relish those those things and immerse myself in them as best I can . Here are some things making me happy at the moment…

Untitled
My MacBook Pro. This is my first post written from my very own computer. Although I have yet to get comfortable with all the features, I am loving my new laptop. I was told by a coworker (who used to work at Apple), that what I bought was way too sophisticated for my needs. Whatever dear, whatever. I like knowing that I have the best. It’s a big purchase, so I prefer knowing that by spending extra, I have future proofed my new toy. This little lovely ain’t goin’ nowhere. One of the coolest features is the little strip above the keyboard, the touch bar. Looks the freakin’ business even if I don’t know how to use it too well.

Screen Shot 2018-07-08 at 10.00.24 AM.png
Retail therapy: yeah, so on that note I do love spending a bit of money. When I’m down, my two go to’s are eating and retail therapy. I get that from my mom. Well hey, at least I’m not smoking crack with Satan, eh? I’m just ringing up charges at Anthropologie. They have some super cute stuff fright now. I got these adoreable chinos for work (which I’ve already worn), plus I bought a dress I liked. I’m waiting for it to arrive in the mail. I hope it fits right. Don’t ask me where I’m going to wear it, that’s irrelevant LOL. Originally it was $228 and I got it on sale for about $80. I adore the cute fish print.

Screen Shot 2018-07-08 at 10.05.50 AM.png
Rubios fish tacos: speaking of fish, I positively adore the fried fish tacos at Rubio’s. I’d say I’m becoming a regular. Yeah, it’s a chain, but what can I say, when it’s right, it’s right. The Fish Taco Especial? Sooooooooo right. I love the hot and crispy deep fried shell that surrounds the flaky pollock, I love the coolness of the avocado and the sauces they use. I love it how they make everything on the spot and everything is super fresh. Sure, grilled is healthier, and they do that too, but life is short. This is one of my go to’s when I am in need of a delicious treat meal. AND it’s cheap. These are $2 each on Taco Tuesday (though I usually save this for the weekend). These tacos are so much better than what I’ve had in much pricier restaurants. Get these tacos in your belly if this chain exists in your neck of the woods. These really are amazing!!!

NTT80_G_NE_Original_v2 copy

Nail Envy by OPI: I’ve never been one to really care about my nails. I’ve only gotten a manicure once in my life, and probably wouldn’t bother again. I keep my nails kind of short. I wear contact lenses, so it’s not really conducive for putting them in and taking them out. On occasions when I have tried to grow my nails, I haven’t been successful. They aren’t that strong and usually tear when I’m in the shower. Lately, however, I’ve been trying to focus a bit more on self care, and doing my fingernails and toenails is part of that. And you know what? This stuff actually works! It’s not terribly cheap ($18), but this product is definitely worth it. It gives a bit of shine, and my nails have never been stronger or healthier. I don’t intend to grow them long or paint them any colors (I’m not a fan of that look), but they do look very well groomed and kind of elegant. That makes me happy.

Yesterday I went to see Won’t You Be My Neighbor, a beautiful documentary about Fred Rodgers (aka Mr. Rogers), a man whose footsteps of love will echo into time. What an incredibly beautiful soul.  There is a saying I like, “The planet does not need more successful people. The planet desperately needs more peacemakers, healers, restorers, storytellers, and lovers of all kinds.” Mr. Rogers was all of those things. His message touched me deeply. I actually cried several times. Despite that,  watching this movie made my heart feel lighter. I was inspired, and I was encouraged by the simple goodness that we all have inside of us. I know we all want to appear all worldly and cool, but if you think of it, isn’t simplicity and love the highest form of sophistication? Isn’t it the paired down, minimalistic truth of what we supposed to be as humans? I think so. I leave you today with my favorite Mr. Rogers quotes. Reading them makes my heart feel giant, happy, and hopeful.

Untitled

IMG_4439

IMG_4435

IMG_4441

IMG_4436

rogers

Today is the day I turn 43. All is well, and I am happy. Deliriously happy? No. I’d say I’m content and at peace. It’s been nice. Since my last drama filled post, there have been no crazy emotions. I’m feeling very even. I’m finally starting to relax and enjoy the stillness. Sometimes in a public place I might hear a phone text. I check my phone secretly hoping it is for me… it’s not, but I’ve gotten better at that part. Acceptance. One day, when the time is right, it will be for me.

I’ve been spending a lot of time in quiet self indulgence. I light my Diptyque jasmine candle, listen to soothing music, and concentrate on self care. I’ve been paying attention to my nails (something I’ve never done before), I have been using hair masks (another thing I never do), and I just do whatever it takes to show myself that I care for love me. I do things like waking up early in the morning to see the sun rise for the summer solstice. I’ve been spending more time in the company of women. I am learning. I am unfurling.

Slowly.

All is well. What I care most about these days is being happy. That’s my number one. So, today, on my birthday, I made a collage for you of little pictures I’ve been saving on Pinterest. Just things that put a smile on my face. I hope they make you smile too.

So what of the birthday festivities? Well, Friday was super sweet because at work my boss brought in cupcakes and balloons. My team sang me happy birthday and everyone gave me a hug. I felt so incredibly special. On Saturday I just kind of relaxed, did my hair, ate fish tacos and ice cream with my mom. And now it’s Sunday, my actual birthday. My mom special ordered me a strawberry and vanilla Carvel cake. In my family, there is no birthday without an ice cream cake. I ordered my Macbook Pro online. The big 15 inch one I wanted (to balance out the thighs, of course LOL). I’ll be going to pick it up at the Apple store at the mall, have a browse, and then its birthday dinner at my grandmother’s. She’s making ribs, a favourite of mine. She called me today to tell me how much she loves me. How lucky am I?

I may not have romance, but I am surrounded by love. My family, my colleagues, a few dear friends … the Universe has got my back!!! I have everything I need and so much of what I want. I know it will continue to deliver that which is for my greatest good and happiness.

*Birthday kisses to you all*

I love you.

4c62825d819c0dc36c468fa764aab7cb

I had a terrible scare this week I don’t know what happened. But my vision … something happened. One morning I woke up with blurry double vision in my left eye, and I noticed I could no longer see up close. Panic is an understatement dollies. I was considering going to the emergency room.

Monday at work I got to my desk, and after turning in the computer I started to cry. I couldn’t see the words on my screen. I didn’t know what to do. Somehow I made it through until I was able to see a doctor.

Well, to make a long story short, my vision has changed. Apparently this is something normal. When you reach about 40, something happens to your eyes where seeing up close becomes a lot more difficult. I’m not going to die or become blind I relaized, I’m just getting older.  God, was I freaked out. Majorly freaked.

My mom decided it might be a good idea to test my blood. She is diabetic, and it runs heavy in our family history. Eye problems and diabetes go hand in hand, so she asked me to try her blood test machine thingy… guess what? According to my score (107),  I’m pre diabetic. Nice huh? So now I’ve started looking at labels a lot more, and I’m going to make some tweaks to my diet (even though I’m only 122 pounds). Here’s a crazy fact: a woman should not consume more than 25g of sugar a day. A large apple has 23 grams! I eat an apple every day! I’m cutting fruit out of my diet, and I’m watching all the sugars. I realize my Monday – Friday diet has about 40 grams of sugar, and I figured out how to reduce it to 12 grams without going through any inconvenience. I’ll allow myself treats still, on the weekend, but I’ve got to learn to be much more mindful, and only treat myself to foods that REALLY call to me. I’m going to be much more selective in my food choices. I absolutely do not want to be diabetic. I totally don’t want to deal with that shit.

Here is another good one. Last week my boss took me into her office along with the branch office manager. I was told that my work isn’t up to scratch. I’ve been at this company almost two years now. It’s the one concrete thing I have (well, that and my honorary membership into Club Spinster). Damn, if I loose my job I’m I’m going to be devastated. Yeah, there are days I don’t want to go into work, but I like my job (I’d go as far as to say it is essential to my sanity), plus I really love the company I work for. I’m going to work extra hard and do my best to jump through the hoops like a good little show pony. I hope they will see my efforts.

As I feel my life is crumbling, I’ve been feeling especially alone. My mother has been a great comfort to me. I’m also blessed with an awesome grandmother and a father who loves me to bits. I have a couple dear friends — though none live nearby. The eyes, the diabetes scare, the possibility I can loose my job … it makes me feel incredibly vulnerable. I wish I had someone special in my life, that I could lie on his lap, or maybe be cuddled a bit. I wish he would stroke my hair and tell me things would be okay … but that just doesn’t seem to be on the horizon, especially since I’ve taken myself out of the dating pool.

I have my birthday coming up in a couple weeks. I turn 43. The idea of ending my Birthday Challenge and trying to date again fills me with more dread than excitement this time around. I don’t know if I’m strong enough to deal with the emotions. Yes, I always can hope that this time I’ll find the one whose soul loves mine. I love that dream. But I am starting to wonder if it is just a dream. I talk to other women, and I know I’m not alone in this feeling, this general feeling of heartbreak and disappointment. I do know I’ll try again, because that’s just who I am. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to give up on love… but maybe now is not the time. Right now, I want to focus on my job and my health. I don’t think I want to attempt dating until I feel inspired by the prospect. I don’t want to date because of my fear of being alone. I think the Birthday Challenge is to be extended until I feel okay in my skin again.

And this, my dear, is how the sugar free cookie crumbles. Barf… like I’d ever eat that shit.

All is good in the hood. Yeah, I would love a boyfriend and a few million in the bank. Still, things are pretty okay. Sometimes I am suuuuuper bored, and I still suffer with horrible feelings of loneliness (I try to just sit with it, but easier said than done). Overall, however, I’d have to say that life is really alright. Here are some things I’m grateful about at the moment.

Getting my Botox done. It was long overdue. I desperately needed it in order to keep myself looking as serene and peaceful as people who don’t know me too well think I am. People often tell me I exude this aura of peace … little do they know what a total spaz I actually am. It’s my quiet voice and my gentle nature. I think you guys know, however, that under my skin I’m just the slightest bit bat shit.

As I don’t have a love interest in my life, I have been somewhat slack when it comes to maintenance (I love not having to shave!) but gosh, it feels good to get have my face back in order. I been spending just a teensy bit too much lately, so for financial reasons, I held off. Sadly, Botox ain’t cheap- if it was I’d probably tox myself up till I was a waxwork — I really do love the stuff. I realize not all of you will find being poked with a needle and injected with a form of botulism as a form of self care, but for me, it absolutely is.

45333172-0FF8-4DE0-B518-4F19A0DB818C

Right next to where I get my Botox done is a little restaurant that has been on my radar for several months: The Hummus House in Ft Lauderdale. Good hummus makes me terribly happy. Good hummus with nice pita and two fat triangles of baklava … heaven, and so that’s exactly what I had. I loved this little place. Service was fast and friendly, the place was super cute, but most importantly, the flavors and textures were just completely on point. I will definitely be going back.

So … let’s see… what else is good?

Screen Shot 2018-05-27 at 4.33.50 PM.pngRetail therapy… that’s been making me happy. I bought a lovely Tory Burch tunic. It looks so classy and sophisticated. I love the mandarin style collar and the deep slit down the front that makes this top ever so slightly sexy. It was pricy, but it was on sale, so whatevaaaa. I also bought a very over priced maxi dress *shrugs shoulders.* Have I ever mentioned how I love maxi dresses?! They are a woman’s best friend because they allow you to eat tons of food but still look very feminine and pretty. If you see a dazzling woman at the buffet with the flowy dress pushing you aside, that would be me dear *smooches.* Don’t hate.

The movie: I Feel Pretty. I saw it with my mom. It’s certainly not going to win any awards, but it was silly and fun, and it made me laugh. Sometimes that’s all you need, a good laugh, some entertainment, and wonderful company.

Triscuits: they seem to be an acquired taste, I’m not sure why. I fucking love those those things. Triscuits, a few squares of cheese, and I am a happy camper.

I’m making more female friends. You have no idea how much I value that. Us women, we get each other. I love being in the company of kind, smart women. Sometimes I forget, in the midst of all the guy drama I’ve encountered, that having fab women around me is just as important as having a man in my life.

Having Memorial Day off. What is more blissful than waking up on a Monday knowing you don’t have to endure the daily grind? Fucking priceless dollies!

Hope all is well with you, and that despite the daily shit blossoms that irreverently rear their ugly heads, that you are also managing to find the good in the mundane and the fabulous.

Tons of love,
Caroline

annetaintor4.jpg

I think about love. I think about it a lot. Maybe it is because I don’t have it. Maybe because I always think it’s the missing link that is going to give me the key to open the door to happiness (yeah, yeah, happiness is inside of me, I heard that one). I’ve been thinking about soul mates. Sometimes they call it twin flames. Other cultures and religions have different names for it. It is a common theme in love.

 

Do you believe in soul mates? I never did. Maybe you will find that odd coming from me, the airy-fairy, unicorn riding Caroline. I believe that I read somewhere that there are 7 billion human inhabitants on this earth, so imagine for a moment that only one of these people is your soul mate. Consider these things: What makes you think you would run into them? What if they live on some remote little island? What is the probability that they speak the same language? That they are within an acceptable age range to you? Or that there will even be mutual attraction.

 

To believe that there is only one special person tailor made just for you? Honestly, I find that depressing, if not completely horrific. The odds of winning the lottery seem better than running into this magical creature.

 

So what do I believe? I believe that there are oodles of “ones” rather than “the one,” but there are a lot of factors to take into account that can disturb the delicate balance. Timing is a big one, our mental state/ how we are feeling when we do meet one of our possibilities, as well as tons of other factors. Everything has to be just right to cultivate the sort of environment that would allow love to bloom … and when it does? It is pure and unadulterated deliciousness. But if you have experienced that deliciousness, you know it’s temporary.  Science confirms this. Romantic love can exist for a very long time, but it evolves. After a while your heart doesn’t flutter when you see them. This doesn’t mean you aren’t happy to see them, it just means that the euphoria fades. The drug like high we get just isn’t sustainable in the long term. It makes us kinda stupid anyway lol — don’t lie, you know EXACTLY what I’m talking about lovelies. This is why, I believe, the fairy tales always end with the marriage where the couple end up living “happily ever after.” WTF does that mean? Does she eat bon bons while sitting under a cherry tree as he goes to work? Does she raise their children and wash the skid marks out of his underwear? Does he cheat on her as she is blissfully unaware? Do they stay forever young and beautiful, never facing any pain or obstacles because they are just so in love. Come on, you know how dumb that sounds. Any way it unfolds, don’t they just go back to real life again?

 

bced63fd6afe1d4466a154300df82fcd

I feel that the whole soulmate thing is completely bullshit. It’s a fairytale that can be dangerous because it creates unrealistic ideas about what love should be: two imperfect people who care enough not to give up on each other, despite the bad times and sometimes poor choices.

Let’s face it, nobody is perfect, and nobody’s relationship is perfect. The most wonderful partner still can make us cry or be a total pain in the ass. Still, we love them. It doesn’t really diminish the relationship, it’s just real. Soul mates? Not so real in my opinion. What do you think?

Okay, so yeah, I have written about visiting NYC maaaaaany many times. Maybe you even got your barf bag ready, cause here Caroline goes again. But whateva, cause the place is just so beyond fabulous, dollies. I will never get sick of it, I will never stop going, and I’ll never stop writing about it. It is a constantly evolving city, and there are always new and wonderful things to eat, see, explore, and do. Still, I’m going to be easy on you and just share the highlights.

Pancakes. As per usual, I gorged myself on all manner of goodies, from my Levain cookies, to Grom gelato,  to the deservedly infamous lobster roll at Pearl Oyster Bar, and I finally managed to try the incredible pineapple linzer cookies at Te Company. But what completely blew my mind (or belly) into the cosmos was two delicious types of pancakes I discovered for the first time.

  • Exhibit A: The blubbery calfoutis at Le Coucou. Le Coucou is a very fancy French restaurant in the downtown area. I’d love to have dinner there but I’d feel a little self conscious going on my own for a larger meal — I’ll get over that, but CrazyKat, we have a date, okay? That, and Lobster Rumble,  girlie. The restaurant itself is stunning and sumptuous. It requires you to get a bit dressed up (but I imagine breakfast is more casual than dinner, and also you don’t have to make a reservation then). I sat my fat ass down on a velvet tuffet as the most beautiful pancake ever was set before my beady little eyes.  Oh, and do you know dollies, it was just as delicious as it looked. I loved the added touches of the cream quenelle dusted in lime zest.

Screen Shot 2018-05-13 at 12.45.14 PM

  • Exhibit B: The pancakes at Chez Ma Tante were completely the opposite. The didn’t win the pancake beauty contest like the one at Le Coucou, as they were much more rustic looking, but ooooooooh. And oooooooooooh. Okay so these had the most incredible texture for a pancake that I have yet to encounter (and yes, I did try the ones at Cinton Street Baking Company… good, but meh in comparison). These were crunchy on the outsides, fluffy on the inside, with the faintest hint of lemon, covered in maple syrup and a healthy pat of buttah (it’s good for the skin dont’cha know). And it happened to be just DEVINE. Yep, totally freaking swoon-worthy. Okay, so I should mention that technically these are in Williamsburg, not NYC, but go. Gooooooooooooo!

chez-ma-tante-6.w710.h473

Seeing an artist at work. As you know I love street art. I happened to be in Williamsburg while the Moniker Art Fair was in progress (which I went to). In conjunction with the fair, a very famous street artist known as D*Face was finishing up a piece, and I happened to see him action, which was very special for me.

IMG_3677

IMG_3679

Speaking of art, another highlight of my trip was taking part in an exhibit by Candy Chang. I am a huge fan of hers, I have been ever since I saw her Ted Talk. I always wanted to write on one of her “Before I Die” walls, but I have never encountered one in my travels thus far. This, however, was just as cool, if not cooler. The exhibit was at a lesser known NYC museum, The Rubin Museum of Art. The exhibit was called “A Monument for the Anxious and Hopeful.” There were two walls. On one wall people were invited to write  one of their hopes and include it with the other contributors. On the other wall, visitors wrote their anxieties. What people wrote ran the gamut from funny to very deep and real. It struck a very personal cord with me. I loved being able to share my own and be a tiny part of this beautiful collective.

IMG_3756

IMG_3754
I love knowing that somewhere in this picture, is one of my own.

Treating myself. Well, the truth is, all of my vacations are about indulgence in some way. Food, art, and sometimes (but not always) there are goodies involved. I’m not really one to collect souvenirs, but I did see something quite special at Bergdorf Goodman that I could not resist. It was a bit of an extravagance, but you only live once. I am a great believer in treating oneself to the finer things, when and if it is possible, because we are the only one we can truly count on at the end of the day.  My mom always says, “I buy myself flowers, because if I have to wait for a man to do it, I might grow a beard.” Yeah well, I bought myself the moon, and strung it along my neck. I have always wanted a pretty moon necklace. I’m a Cancer, so it’s my sign. The moon is also supposed to be a representation of feminine energy/power. Who would have guessed? Me, Caroline, that’s who.

Untitled.jpg

So I have a confession to make. I slipped. After about 4 months of no contact with Birdy, I texted him. You guys know, despite the things I’ve written, that he will always have a place in my heart. Like it or not. It’s just fact. I don’t want to love him. Not after the way he has treated me (or more correctly, his lack of treatment altogether). But if you read my blog, you know that I do love him.  My heart and my brain argue constantly on this subject. I got a little triggered. It was that sappy 80’s music, but there I was in the mall, spending ungodly amounts of money on things I don’t need, when the emotions took hold. The Devil totally made me do it. Or Journey. Whatever. It totally lead me down the wrong path. Note to self on the 1980’s: bad hair, bad fashion choices, and bad for my decision making skills.

CoLnwiAWgAAXZlM.jpg

If only I was that special kind of human that can dismiss someone without thought … no, that will never be me. God, please grant me that superpower in my next life.

Yeah, so I sent a text via WhatsApp. And I waited. Then I waited some more. Inside I could feel a sickening mix of hope and anxiety. And then, after 7 hours, the two blue ticks appeared, indicating that he read my message.

IMG_3418.jpg

And I waited. And I waited some more. And then some more… and then some more. And can you guess that happened? Ha, yes! So right dollies… nothing happened. There was no reply. And then from the hours of 11 to 2 I cried.

In those hours I heard from Mr. Big. Remember him? He gave me some good and constructive advice. The same advice that everyone else gives me, the advice that only an outsider who is not emotionally invested is able to give. It did help me to feel better, I must admit. But it didn’t erase the feelings of embarrassment and hurt that had embedded themselves within my heart. I know I kind of deserved it. It was so stupid of me. What did I expect?

I know Birdy’s decision not to reply to me is one which I need to respect and honor. I will not pursue it. Anyway it’s too hard. His rejection leaves me feeling completely stripped of dignity. It was always that way when it came to him. I now understand why. And perhaps it is a Pandora’s Box best left locked. But you know it fucking hurt, don’t you? Rejection always hurts, but when it’s from someone you love… it’s the bitterest, ugliest pill there is.

I know I have to take this rejection and transform it into something constructive. That’s the plan anyway. Watch this space. Next stop, NY.