When the knight in shining armor has ridden off into the sunset without you

0a1d06bb9961ad6cdfd78e8e3db7d383My deepest wish, since I separated from my soon to be ex husband, was that one day I would be sitting on the couch with the man I love, and I’d feel safe, loved unconditionally. I wanted to be with someone who I could feel confident enough to say, “yeah, he’s got my back.” To me, that’s what love is about. The high romance of the first couple years of a relationship is awesome, but when it mellows into a more mature partnership, you should be left with a best friend, a lover, and a partner who you feel confident isn’t going to dump you like a hot potato when things are bad.
I had a really bad week last week. When I say bad, I mean that my mother was making emergency calls to a psychiatrist. Things get so hard for me sometimes, so desperate and overwhelming. It is during these times that I am prone to emotional outbursts. Actually, the film Exorcist comes to mind LOL, but this is when I need love and support the most. This is when I’m aching to hear someone say, “it’s okay, I’ll be with you no matter what. I love you, and you will never be alone.” Someone did say that to me: my mother. Everyone else jumped ship.
Something has changed inside me. Although I’m totally okay with apologizing when I know I’m wrong (and I have), now it’s gone the other way. I want the people in my life who turned their back on me when I needed them most to apologize to me. I want to be acknowledged as a human being with a right to her own feelings and emotions, not shunned like a leper. I’m starting to think that if someone lets go of my hand when I am suffering, maybe I shouldn’t be holding it. It is a sad revelation, but I think it’s something that I need to confront. Maybe there is no knight in shining armor, maybe I’m going to have to rescue myself… but it’s okay. I am starting to realize that I can do this. As of now, I’ve got my own back.

3 Comments

  1. Just read this poem and after reading this thought you might like it. It is by a blogger named Balroop2013.wordpress:

    I rise again from the valley of death
    The valley you pushed me into
    The valley I reject…
    Its darkness had blinded me.

    I don’t want to mourn for
    The blessings that I have lost
    I refuse to crumble under them
    Within me, I can hear a loud protest.

    Memories don’t make me smile
    They offer no solace now
    I have buried them in the valley of death
    Anger and apathy is what I carried.

    They too diluted with time
    I am seeking new vistas
    I am focused now
    Approbations no longer allure me.

    I seek the company of those
    Who can guide me, escort me,
    Towards the path of enlightenment,
    Of forgiveness, of acceptance, of eternal peace.

    (Copyright protected)

    Balroop Singh.

    Like

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