I am really feeling low.
1) This week I got insulted by someone who I tried to help. I shall call this person X. I befriended X because they felt upset after a very sudden and unexpected breakup with their spouse (much like my own). I was trying to help X understand that they had worth even without their ex, and I was giving them some ideas and encouragement on how to win them back while maintaining their dignity. I spent a lot of time on X… it backfired. I don’t think it was their intention, but I ended up with a very personal insult that really left me feeling hurt. So much for helping others :(.
2) A man that I am not interested decided he would make a very unwelcome pass at me, and it left me feeling like garbage. I feel a deep bitterness creeping into my heart. It has been building up for some time now, and I have tried to ignore it, but it is most definitely there. I think I am starting to hate men. I am starting to wonder if any of them posses any kindness or gentleness, or are they all just self-obsessed bastards out there to take what they can get? My deepest wish was that God reserved a good man for me, because that is what I wanted most– I think I have to pack that wish in a box and try to forget that it existed.
Speaking of boxes…
3) Today I am expecting my things to be delivered from Napoleon. Before I moved back to Florida, he asked me to marry him. I said yes. I had my things delivered to him from London, and he put them in storage for me so that I would have them when I came “home.” Inside those boxes were my dreams for a future. To make a long story short, he didn’t love me enough to follow through, and the result is that today I get my stuff back. It has been almost four months since he has spoken to me. His life goes on without me as if I never existed. I know when those packages arrive my heart is going to break. I am trying to steel myself up for it, but as I type this, I am already crying.
4) If I thought things were on shaky ground with Dr Man Whore and Baby Whore, I thought wrong. Today the silly bitch posted a picture of herself with a Chanel bag, a big teddy bear, and a new hair color which looks surprisingly like my own. It made me want to vomit.
God give me strength to hold my head up and remember what it feels like to be human. Sometimes I really do forget.