On December 20, 2013 I started keeping a journal. Why? Because I wanted to have something to look back on and say, “yes, I’ve come a long way since then.” Since I started it, my life has become unrecognizable from the one I lived back then. I am living in another country, I have started my first job in twelve years, I am divorced, I am learning put myself out there in a way I wasn’t able to do before… but I couldn’t say I am happier. I do know that I am moving in the right direction though. I am on my way to rebuilding myself. It is a hard and lonely process which has left me quite heart broken. But okay, I can’t keep looking back. Someone I don’t like too much, but really admire, gave me some excellent advice “winners don’t live in the past.” I refuse to remain a looser. I owe it to myself to achieve my vision of success. For me, in order to feel successful, I need to feel loved. So on Valentine’s Day I vowed to myself that I make a dedicated effort to find somebody worthy of me, somebody who is smart, kind, and emotionally available. Don’t get me wrong, being alone is absolutely fabulous—if that is how you choose to live, but the thing is, it’s not my choice. I am not content. I need to start taking more responsibility for my happiness. I won’t wait for a miracle anymore. I am going to create one of my own.
So, what did I actually do on Valentine’s Day?
Let’s start with Friday, the prequel to all the Valentine’s Day festivities. It was a day which saw me crying in a grungy bathroom cubicle. The girl who sits near me at work got a bouquet of roses. She looked so happy. She is an absolutely lovely girl. I should have been happy for her. All I could think of was how alone I felt. I felt very sorry for myself, truth be told. The self pity had well and truly set in. It got better though.
That evening a friend and I went to see 50 Shades of Grey. I read the book, and unlike most girls, I didn’t love it. I have to say though, it was *cough*…. quite entertaining LOL. The best part was the audience. It was made up of 90% of women who were sniggering, cheering, and whooping in the same way that you would imagine men to do during the Super Bowl. You would never get an audience like that in the UK. For the first time since being here, I actually felt happy to be back in America. Strange huh? It was a late movie. By the time I got home, Valentine’s Day had started, but I was ready for bed.
Valentine’s Day itself passed like any other day. In my heart of hearts, I was praying for something which I’m a little too embarrassed to put into words here, but for better or for worse, it did not come to pass. I guess that’s to be expected when you give one particular day too much power and/ or expectations.
In real life, there was no handsome prince on a white horse. There was me, my mother who had fallen asleep on the couch where she snored like a chainsaw, and lots of junk food that I ate till my stomach hurt. Thank God this holiday only rolls around once a year. Next year, however, I intend that my life will be equally unrecognizable from the one I live today, and I mean that in the best possible way.