Today marks one year ago that I moved back to the United States. Life is unrecognizeable. I can’t decide if that is a good thing or a bad thing. Lots of changes have taken place in this year:
I started my first job in 12 years. I don’t love it, and I am looking to replace my current job with something else, but I’m pleased with how I’ve adapted. It was a bad time, those first few months after coming back to America. I was dealing with so many emotional issues. I remember crying during training class when the lights were turned off and the trainer was doing demonstrations on the projector. It wasn’t until I’d leave the classroom, however, that the floodgates would really open. I was inconsolable. A girl I later befriended recently told me that she and some of my other collegues didn’t think I’d make it to the end of training. Yet, I somehow managed. I woke up every day and went to work. Today, over half of the people I started with have gone. I remain.
My divorce became final. The man who I spent 18 years of my life with is gone forever. There is zero contact. I am greatful most of the time. Sometimes I am sad, because I am really scared of doing this all on my own. During my worst times, I still find myself wondering if it is better to have a cheater for a husband than having to go through life alone. Of course it is better to be alone, when things are bad, however, it doesn’t always feel that way though. Life is scary when there is nobody there to hold your hand.
I am making friends, just like normal humans do. When I was a housewife, I lived a very isolated life. I didn’t mind it really. I enjoyed my own company and got used to spending day after day on my own. I had a routine. I’d go to the gym, I’d make myself a nice lunch, clean the house, blog a bit, maybe take the train to London. I created a lifestyle for myself, and I was happy BUT days, weeks, even months would go by where I didn’t speak to anyone besides my husband (except for the Sunday phone call I would get from my mother). That’s pretty odd don’t you think? Upon moving back to the US, things have changed. I met J, my fellow divorcee-to-be, who I am in contact on a daily basis. Not a day goes by when we do not reach out to each other. I reconnected with a few dear friends via Facebook, including my best friend since I was 3 years old. She is nothing short of a sister to me. It’s pretty awesome having friends again.
Somewhere I read something along the lines of “the Universe does not like a vacuum.” In other words, when an empty space appears in life, the Universe (or who I like to think of as God), fills it up with something new. I feel like my new friends are God’s way of filling up the lonliness I feel. Though of course it is not the same thing as having a husband or a partner, I am happy to say that they are relationships based on trust and honesty, and this is something I didn’t have with Dr ManWhore. I value that beyond measure.
I feel part of a family again. When I was married, I moved countries. I left my family behind. Yes, of course I remained in contact with them, but the dynamic changes when you live so far away. In many ways you could say I was “adopted” by my ex’s family. The hard honest truth, however, is that blood is thicker than water. That fact became very obvious when it came to our divorce. Eventually Dr ManWhore’s parents, though I believe they cared for me very deeply, were forced to take sides. They took his side, even though they knew him to be a cheater. I was not surprised or even angered by this, I was just hurt; but, I understood. Now I am with my own family. They are on my side even if I do stupid sh*t (which I don’t do LOL). I have to say, that is pretty awesome. My family have really stuck by me during tough times. They are there for me. I forgot what that felt like. I didn’t realize how much I missed it until I had it again. And yes, they do drive me absolutely crazy sometimes, but they are mine, and I love them.
I took a driving lesson this week. It was another first. it’s has been ten years since I last drove. Although I did not feel confident behind the wheel by any means, I kind of impressed myself. I did way better than I could have hoped. I drove on a very busy highway, and I am still alive to tell the tale. That was kind of a big deal for me.
Could it be that I am on my way to becoming a fully functional adult?!
It has been a year of goods and bads. It has been a year of high emotions and plenty of drama. I am so happy to say that despite it all, I am doing okay! There was a time when I thought I’d never be able to utter those words. Yes, life could be better, but I am okay. Things didn’t exactly work out how I planned, but here I am. I am surviving. Every day I put one foot in front of the other, and in doing so, I prove to myself that I am stronger than I thought I was.