The Jar Incident

How does something as simple as a glass jar manage to unhinge me? It is crazy!
How does something as simple as a glass jar manage to unhinge me? It is crazy!

I still have loads more things I want to write about on my trip to NYC, but today I want to talk about something that happened this week. Sometimes I read some of your blogs about “triggers,” things that just set you off. Well, I have those too, and they all seem to happen so unexpectedly. In this instance, I was in HomeGoods with my mother. I don’t go there a lot, as I don’t have a home to decorate, but they do have some interesting food goodies that crop up from different parts of the world, so I am not adverse to browsing. That is when I came upon some jars. I guess the jars in themselves are not so much the issue as the feelings that they provoked. You see, living in London I used to come across similar canisters in a cooking store I used to like called Divertimenti by a French company called Le Parfait. But these were really unusual, they had bright orange lids which I thought were really unique. “I’d really like to have those for when I have a place of my own one day,” I thought to myself. I got a basket and put them inside. My mother thought they were pretty too. I asked her if she thought it was silly to buy stuff for a house that I do not have yet, and she said she thought there was nothing wrong with it… but then my mind went off on a totally different tangent. I started to think about this “home” that I was starting to create. This home was part of a life that I never wanted to live. I never wanted to end up back here in America. I never wanted to set up a life for myself where I was going to be all on my own. I hated that in this future that I envision there is nobody to love me, nobody to hug me or ask me about my day. I was planning for a future that I absolutely did not want. To say that I felt sad is an understatement. It was more like a tsunami of grief. And so there I was, in the middle of HomeGoods, my basket full of jars, with my head lowered so nobody could see my face as it reddened and the tears began to fall. I left. My cart stayed exactly where it was, mid isle, filled with my goodies. Truth be told, I should be so grateful and happy. Things are actually going pretty okay what with my new job and all … but all I can think of is how desperately lonely I feel sometimes. I know this might sound terribly dramatic, but I honestly don’t know how or when I will ever loose this feeling. I just can’t see myself ever being able to love again. Sometime I really feel my heart isn’t capable of it anymore. That, my dears, is what really lies at the heart of it, and f*uck, it hurts like you wouldn’t believe.  It is like there is this giant hole inside me that I will never be able to fill. At this point, I don’t even delude myself into thinking any man will be able to fill it  either (I know there’s some stupid sex joke in there, but I can’t be bothered to make it at the moment). I spoke to my friend J about it, and she cheered me up a little. She reminded me how cool it is going to be to have a place without any stupid guy crap. I can decorate exactly as I wish. No sports sh*t or ugly bulky electronic “man toys.” There will be no ungrateful guy’s dirty laundry which needs to be washed and ironed (I hate ironing). It’s a place that is going to be all about me. That is something I’ve never had before. I need to be excited about that.  I vowed that the next day I would go back to the store and purchase the jars. That, my lovelies, is exactly what I did. I want to look at them and remember how I felt that day. I want to be able to laugh at myself and know that I was  super upset over nothing, that everything worked out okay. When I look at those jars, years from now, I want to be reminded that there is life after heartbreak. And geez, I know that you can get some bargains at HomeGoods sometimes, but who would have thought that some glass jars may one day be able to deliver something that priceless?

10 Comments

  1. Ya everything goes alright in the end in our mind.
    I can understand that lonely feeling….. 😕
    But life seems okay with me at last, no other option left (lol) ❤💖💝

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I remember having random triggers, too. I have them much less now. The tears wouldn’t be stopped, so I would quickly wipe them away and hope no one noticed. Oh, I feel for you, Caroline. The only thing I can say is, take one day at a time. Sometimes looking too far into the future can overwhelm us with emotion and doubts. I’m glad you went back for those jars!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much for saying that, sometimes I just feel like a complete wreck, like I will never be ok. I try to stay positive, but there are days when I don’t manage too well. Have a lovely weekend my friend ❤️

      Liked by 2 people

  3. Hugs.
    Those triggers affect us all. Usually in public fuck it.
    And I would add to your friends wisdom by saying if you find a hair in the butter you know it is your own (Katherine Mansfield) and that living alone means that you don’t have to clean the floor when his aim is less than stelllar.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. For me, I shall never get over that “lonely” feeling, but that’s OKAY)) I’ve incorporated it into my new existence, I’ve learned much about myself.

    I so much LOVE & appreciate your passion and honesty and deep, profound emotion. This is the reason you feel such admiration for Art, Frieda, all of it)).

    I hope you continually have these feelings… because it reminds you that you’re ALIVE, darling!

    xxx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for saying that Chicky 💋 that put a smile on me. Who knows, maybe it’s a gift to feel so much, and not a curse. I notice only the best people have it ❤️ you have it, I can tell.

      Like

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