I still have loads more things I want to write about on my trip to NYC, but today I want to talk about something that happened this week. Sometimes I read some of your blogs about “triggers,” things that just set you off. Well, I have those too, and they all seem to happen so unexpectedly. In this instance, I was in HomeGoods with my mother. I don’t go there a lot, as I don’t have a home to decorate, but they do have some interesting food goodies that crop up from different parts of the world, so I am not adverse to browsing. That is when I came upon some jars. I guess the jars in themselves are not so much the issue as the feelings that they provoked. You see, living in London I used to come across similar canisters in a cooking store I used to like called Divertimenti by a French company called Le Parfait. But these were really unusual, they had bright orange lids which I thought were really unique. “I’d really like to have those for when I have a place of my own one day,” I thought to myself. I got a basket and put them inside. My mother thought they were pretty too. I asked her if she thought it was silly to buy stuff for a house that I do not have yet, and she said she thought there was nothing wrong with it… but then my mind went off on a totally different tangent. I started to think about this “home” that I was starting to create. This home was part of a life that I never wanted to live. I never wanted to end up back here in America. I never wanted to set up a life for myself where I was going to be all on my own. I hated that in this future that I envision there is nobody to love me, nobody to hug me or ask me about my day. I was planning for a future that I absolutely did not want. To say that I felt sad is an understatement. It was more like a tsunami of grief. And so there I was, in the middle of HomeGoods, my basket full of jars, with my head lowered so nobody could see my face as it reddened and the tears began to fall. I left. My cart stayed exactly where it was, mid isle, filled with my goodies. Truth be told, I should be so grateful and happy. Things are actually going pretty okay what with my new job and all … but all I can think of is how desperately lonely I feel sometimes. I know this might sound terribly dramatic, but I honestly don’t know how or when I will ever loose this feeling. I just can’t see myself ever being able to love again. Sometime I really feel my heart isn’t capable of it anymore. That, my dears, is what really lies at the heart of it, and f*uck, it hurts like you wouldn’t believe. It is like there is this giant hole inside me that I will never be able to fill. At this point, I don’t even delude myself into thinking any man will be able to fill it either (I know there’s some stupid sex joke in there, but I can’t be bothered to make it at the moment). I spoke to my friend J about it, and she cheered me up a little. She reminded me how cool it is going to be to have a place without any stupid guy crap. I can decorate exactly as I wish. No sports sh*t or ugly bulky electronic “man toys.” There will be no ungrateful guy’s dirty laundry which needs to be washed and ironed (I hate ironing). It’s a place that is going to be all about me. That is something I’ve never had before. I need to be excited about that. I vowed that the next day I would go back to the store and purchase the jars. That, my lovelies, is exactly what I did. I want to look at them and remember how I felt that day. I want to be able to laugh at myself and know that I was super upset over nothing, that everything worked out okay. When I look at those jars, years from now, I want to be reminded that there is life after heartbreak. And geez, I know that you can get some bargains at HomeGoods sometimes, but who would have thought that some glass jars may one day be able to deliver something that priceless?