I need to write. I need advice. As you know I was recently fired from my job. I didn’t really like my job, but it was okay. I would have continued with it. I liked my coworkers, and I felt like I was handling my responsibilities fairly well (though I guess not). Now that I am unemployed, however, the idea really appeals to me to find a whole new line of work. While I do have a BA in a English, this doesn’t really qualify me for any specific job. I end up with stupid dead end jobs where I can’t seem to get ahead. I am considering the prospect of going back to school. I am thinking of becoming a paralegal. I desperately need some input. I just want to get all my feelings out there, so please forgive me if this seems like a mass of word vomit…
Here are my issues:
I’m 40, if I decided to start school, by the time I started I’d be 41. By the time I finished I’d be 43. That freaks me out. In that time I’m not sure if I would have any kind of income.
The reason I would consider going back to school is to become self sufficient; something that I have never achieved in my lifetime. I’ve always lived with my mother or my husband. For a woman, to be able stand on her own two feet without help from another is crucial. I know this. As a paralegal, I feel I’d finally be able to achieve that. And then I have to ask myself: for what? So big freaking deal, I get to be some self-sufficient old maid. I can have a job where I can provide myself with a roof over my head, a car to drive … why? So I can come home after a long day to my empty place where l can eat a tuna sandwich in front of the TV? What kind of crap is that? Work. Food. TV. Bed. Repeat. That’s not really what I wanted either.
In essence, I would be creating a life for myself which allows for my survival, but it is just soooooo far away from my dream. I want to live, not survive. My dream was to be a housewife. I wanted to have a relationship with a man that I loved and admired, someone who was my best friend. I wanted to keep a beautiful home, cook delicious meals, and create an amazing life together full of lots of wonderful adventures. This is what makes me happy. Going back to school for me is kind of like an admission that I failed at my dream, and have to go with a Plan B.
My greatest fear is that I will never again know what if feels like to be loved. I hate the idea that I am having to prepare myself for a life alone. Yes, there’s Birdy, but I am not trying to fool you or myself. This is a new relationship. Birdy is excellent beyond words, but I don’t know he feels about me. He is a busy man, and I’m just not sure where I fit into his life. He isn’t terribly demonstrative with his emotions, and that makes it hard to know where I stand. It’s for the best I guess, letting things happen slowly. I’d rather he is honest than feeding me a bunch of lines that he doesn’t mean (like my exes).
Birdy’s last girlfriend was in her 20s. Dr ManWhore’s mistress/girlfriend was in her 20s too. I can’t compete with that sh*t. It is both shocking and scary to look in the mirror and see myself growing older. Men want pretty young women. A good heart and shiny soul…. meh, that’s so secondary to them. Personality is important to a man, but it comes AFTER attraction. I look good for my age, but those are the key words: for my age. How much longer will I be able to turn a man’s head? Botox will only get me so far.
Reading that last paragraph back to myself, I think I answered the question that self sufficiency is absolutely necessary (even though it sounds positively joyless to me). I must kill the idea of a man coming to my rescue. I have to learn that the only person I can really count on is myself — writing that down makes me feel very sad though. It sounds lonely and frightening. How do I reconcile this?
What do you think? Please, I need your honesty. Is going back to school a good idea? Am I even capable of it at this point in my life? What about the fact that I might have no income during that time (my unemployment is only going to last for three months)? Should I just look for another job and see what I can get, or should I go back to school and switch career paths? Is going back to school proof that I failed to achieve my dream? If so, should I just suck it up and cut my losses?