Sometimes I worry like I’m going to end up like Miss Havisham. Do you remember her? She a pivotal character in Charles Dickens’ Great Expectations. An eccentric to say the least. Well in case you haven’t read the book, as a young woman, she fell in love with a man, and was left at the altar on her wedding day. On that fateful moment, she stops all the clocks in her sprawling mansion, and her heart turns to stone. It becomes the defining moment of her life, and she never recovers from the trauma. Filled with rage, sadness, shock, and embarrassment, she becomes a mad and bitter recluse. The towering wedding cake is left to decompose in it’s gigantic rotting splendor, and till the day she dies, Miss Havisham never takes off her yellowing wedding dress or removes the dead bridal flowers that decorate her hair. In that fateful moment, she begins her descent into deeply broken, possibly insane woman, overcome with bitterness.
I have moments where I think I’m becoming her. Why?
For starters, I am most definitely becoming an eccentric (though I have to say, I like it).
I was also once asked for my hand in marriage only to be dismissed and forgotten. It hurt like hell.
Sometimes I feel this bitterness growing inside of me. I have moments when I feel so angry. I try to ignore it, but there are days when I can feel that seed growing. That seed is comprised of hurt and fear. I see so many women in my situation who have really become sour. I desperately do not want to become that sort of person … but oh how easy it is for that brave face to slip on a bad day.
Happily, with the passing of time, I realize that Miss H and I are not the same at all. I am becoming stronger. I’m growing into the woman I’m supposed to be. That makes me feel proud. No, I won’t become the next Miss Havisham. Why?
Well let’s get one thing straight, there would NEVER be a rotting wedding cake in my house. I’d surely have eaten the whole thing all by myself… just for spite (and tastiness). As I wouldn’t be getting married, it’s totally okay if I got fat. Besides, I love cake. I’m pretty sure my cake would be custom made mille crepes monolith from Lady M in NYC. Have you ever tasted it? Deviiiiiiine. Surely I couldn’t let all that deliciousness go to waste. Those cakes are f’ing expensive! Heartbroken? Yes. Crazy enough not to eat yummy overpriced cake? Hell no, that’s what I live for dont’cha know! That’s why God invented elasticated sweat pants.
I wouldn’t wear my wedding gown forever. I have to admit, when I first got dumped, I wouldn’t change my clothes for days and days. Maybe I shouldn’t admit this, but I am not a pretty crier. No sweet little tears. No indeed. Truth be told there there was plenty of snot too. It would get all over my clothes. I wore it like a kind of badge of honor. But eventually, it had to be changed. I couldn’t stand my own self after a while. I was getting kinda crusty.
Another difference is that I don’t actually WANT to wallow in my misery and aloneness. Miss Havisham made it her art form and her life’s work. I force myself to meet new people and to do things that enrich me. There are times when that it is a real effort. They say that “happiness is a choice.” From the bottom of my heart, I want to experience what it feels like to be truly happy. I am working on it, but it surprisingly hard to do despite how simple it sounds. It involves changing the way you think. It is about being vigilant with yourself when you know you are slipping. I am a work in progress.
I could never stay home all day. My little excursions are what I live for. I love going on trips to the museum, trying a cool new restaurant, or a new experience. I’ve had a lot of new experiences lately (but a lady never tells LOL). Well sometimes she does, but maybe I’ll save that for another post.