The Bottom of the List

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I feel sad about Birdy. I feel like I’m such an afterthought –that is, if he thinks of me at all. He doesn’t call me (which is fine, I’m not a phone person).  Still, it takes him around 24 hours to answer a text, which is tremendously frustrating. I go for  very long stretches of time without hearing anything from him at all, and it makes me feel like shit. All I want is to feel like I matter to him. I like him so much. He is a terribly busy person with a lot of obligations. He leads quite a demanding lifestyle. The thing is, I always thought that if you care about something/someone, you make it a priority anyway. I’m feeling kind of like I’m on the bottom of the list. He is such a wonderful man. I genuinely respect and admire him. On paper he is everything I could want. In person he is beyond fabulous. I have awesome times with him. But in those times in between, he is almost completely absent. Maybe I expect too much. It is a new relationship after all, and what do I know about dating and men? Nothing really. I know he is this way with everyone, so maybe I am just taking things too much to heart. This could just be the way he is. Maybe I just have to accept him how he is. All I know is how I feel. Do you think I should confront him about my feelings, or should I just wait for them to pass (they usually do)? I am well known for creating mountains out of molehills. It’s a bit of specialty of mine. If only that was an employable skill, I’d be rich LOL. But the truth is that sometimes I really feel hurt. I would love to have a relationship with him, a partnership. I  really don’t want to blow my chances. I just want more than what I’m getting. Am I greedy? Are my expectations set way too high? Do I want too much too soon?

That being said, I’m not sure how reliable my feelings are these days. I’m pretty down about the job situation. In the beginning it was all fun and games; now it’s just crap. I’m cranky and bored and my mind drifts off into all this negative BS. It’s so not good for me. I feel like a failure, not being able to find work. I’ve had a few interviews. I’ve left them feeling positive, but I just don’t seem to be cutting it, because I don’t get calls back (hmmm… do I detect a theme?).  After a while, all the rejection starts to penetrate my not so very thick skin.

I feel scared, angry, and very much alone.

It is time like this where I wish I was still married to that old bastard of an ex of mine. He didn’t love me. He f’ed half of England. But at least I felt safe. To my face, he treated me kindly. He provided for us, and I wanted for nothing. I had my own house. I had my routine. I liked what I did. I was content (though of course, I was content because I had no idea of what was going on behind my back).

I know I’m supposed to be strong and independent. I know I’m supposed to tell myself, “I can do this.” Just right now, saying that would feel like a lie.

I hate my stupid ex boss for firing me.

20 Comments

  1. Oich. That’s a noise that means jeeeeezz! If you’re feeling like this it’s legit. He may be wonderful – but not responding for 24 hours? Not cool. Is he keeping you ‘in a place’ so you’re in his life, but at arms length?
    It’s understandable that your employment, or lack of, will get you down. For sure you may be more sensitive right now and why not? I hope he can step up to the plate and give you what you need but I can also understand why you wouldn’t want to verbalise it. Oich. (Don’t wish that old ex bastard on yourself!)

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I hope so too. I think he is kind of keeping me at arms length. He just recently got out of a relationship and I know this makes him extra cautious. He really is a lovely man. I just want a lot more attention than I’m getting.
      In the past men have told me I’m needy. I don’t want to appear that way. That’s what makes it hard for me to tell him my feelings.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Obviously I have no idea what you’re like in relationships, but you seem very independent. Could it be that the neediness comes from not getting what you need from those relationships? I hope it works out with birdy, he does sound delightful x

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I try to be independent, or at least give that impression, but deep down I don’t feel it. I guess I’d say I’m needy because I have this overwhelming desire to love and be loved. I do hope I get there one day.

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  2. All part of the ‘not good enough’ game Caroline. You are. You always were. And no. Not being prioritised is not okay. Look where that got you in your marriage. To be someone’s afterthought is NOT okay, unless you allow it. You know this. I can tell from your words here. Never, never wish being with someone who doesn’t care about you as being better than being alone. You are fabulous and fuck ’em!

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Oh, my friend… It sounds like you like him enough to make exceptions for him. I don’t like the sound of that. I’m sure he is wonderful in every way but if at this stage he’s not treating you like the queen you are, he’s not gonna get better at it. I don’t mean to sound negative but it sounds like while you’re suffering from a number of lows (job, post divorce, self confidence), he is adding to any insecurities you’re currently battling.
    I feel like post divorce, I refuse to be “less” for anyone. I need to be #1 with someone I love. I will never allow myself to feel insecure in my place with my other half. Did that for far too long and I made many excuses for him and overcompensated in so many ways. And where did it ultimately lead me? To being cheated on. Bleh.
    I want you to have the knight in shining armor. The non-fairytale, realistic one that loves to hear from you, thinks you’re incredible and loves you sans-makeup, morning breath, PMSing, crazy hair and all that fun stuff. It’s out there. You’re too beautiful and talented and kind for it not to come your way.
    So back to Birdy… If you can handle his indifference towards you when you’re not in his sight, and just want to have fun dating and keep your options open… Then continue to have fun with him. If you don’t think you can handle that, I think a simple convo to know where you stand will help. But you’ll have to decide beforehand how you’ll react whichever way he chooses.
    Good luck. I hope you feel better. I hate hearing you sad like this. :/
    And fuck your boss. She is a heifer. (Or he, same.)

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much for what you said, it meant so much to me. I took your comment (and Paula’s) very seriously. I know my self esteem isn’t awesome. It never was, but it’s particularly low these days. Honestly I think Birdy is the best I’m going to find… But I don’t like feeling this way. Sometimes it really hurts. It shouldn’t be like this, I know. I deserve to feel like I matter. I have decided, because of what you wrote, that I’m going to confront him with my feelings. I’m not sure at all how he will react, but I want to give him a chance to correct this.
      Thank you for being such a good friend to me ❤️

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Caroline

    I love LOVE the candor with which you write. You write what goes on in other’s heads but who are too proud or scared to say out loud. Good for you.

    Makes me nuts when things are not going so well for me and someone patronizes to try and build me up. Or worse compare my misery as not being as bad as someone else’s!! GGRRRR!!! I believe they do it to assuage themselves. Even worse.

    That said, I’m sorry you’re going through a hard, doubtful time. It sucks. As for the job searching, maybe you’re looking in the wrong industry? Maybe you’re being protected by not receiving the call backs from the interviews? Maybe you don’t really want those jobs? Just putting it out there for you.

    I believe if one wants a job or needs a job, it can be found. Will it be the perfect job? Probably not, most jobs are not perfect and that’s why it’s called work! It’s not healthy emotionally or mentally to not be busy doing something, anything. Why not just get a job job? You know retail, (hell Starbucks), tutoring, temp work, etc while you contemplate what you really want to do for a living, which IMHO should include writing a book 🙂 You’re a fabulous writer. Too much time on one’s hand sometimes gives way too much time to making or not making those molehills into mountains 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much for that incredibly kind comment 💋. I’ve come a long way, but I still have some really rough patches. This job situation is definitely one of them. I had one really good job interview yesterday that I’m desperately hoping will materialize into something. Keep your fingers crossed for me 😊 if I get it, and can keep it, then in one years time I will be able to take some major steps to finally becoming self sufficient (getting my own place on my own Etc…).

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  5. You must voice your needs and if he can’t meet them, it wasn’t meant to be? Don’t be scared. You don’t want a relationship where you are unfulfilled. There is probably compromise here between you two, but if he doesn’t know your wishes, how can he meet them? Also, yeah, the reason you were happy in your marriage is because you were unaware of what he was really doing? You don’t want that again. It is so disrespectful. I know that feeling, and it is not a good one. You are not “supposed” to be strong and independent. You are not supposed to be anything but who you are. Be proud of that. Much love to you. ❤

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  6. What do YOU want? What are YOUR deal breakers? I’m going to agree with all those before me who said not to accept being second best, an afterthought. You deserve so much more. If you see yourself simply dating Birdy when he’s available and having a good time, that’s one thing. But if you think you want more… you might need to re-examine this. You say he’s like this with everyone. Do you want someone who, at his core, is a person that is never around, never makes time for you, and is perfectly fine not seeing you for days at a time? If he were the type of person who came to your house and kicked your dog would you explain it away by saying, “Oh, he kicks everybody’s dog!” Of course not! You’d say, “That’s crappy behavior! Knock it off!”

    I’m sorry about the job front. I do know the feeling. I look and get so depressed and I’m not even interviewing yet! Hang in there. You’ll find something. If it helps, I hate your ex-boss, too.

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  7. ((((Do you think I should confront him about my feelings))))

    NO!

    If this man does not prioritize you at the top of his list, he is NOT worth your time and awesomeness.

    You. Deserve. MORE.

    That’s all.

    Love from Minnesota. x

    Like

  8. Not to scare you or anything, but…. the “taking forever to text back”, was one of the earliest warning signs in my last relationship. With a man who turned out to be a narcissist, and hurt me more than anyone ever has… I reacted in the beginning of the relationship and thought: Why is it that he takes 14 – 24 hours to text me back? I had never experienced that with other men before, so I thought it strange…. I bring this up, cause it felt so similar to what you experienced, from what you wrote in your post. For me with my ex, he was always wonderful, when I saw him. But this thing with the texts made me feel exactly like you describe “at the bottom of the list”. For me, this would continue throughout the relationship. The texting back so slowly DID mean I was at the bottom of the list of his priorities….

    Not saying this guy is a narcissist, but, he is making it clear to you that you are not a priority in his life. And yes, you do deserve someone who makes you a priority. We all deserve that. I say you should take this up with him immediately and give him one chance to change it… (one, not several chances). If you feel that it is important to you to be a priority. Best of luck, take care.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I know I’m not a priority. It’s painfully obvious 😔 mentally I’ve started to detach myself from him. I know he is not going to be able to give me what I need in a relationship.
      I did confront him. He apologized. He tells me he is a bit of a loner and going through a particularly busy time… But the truth is he is always busy.
      I never met a man in Florida that I found as wonderful as this man. But now I have to give up. It kills me. I know this sounds dramatic, but I really fear I’m going to spend the rest of my life alone. All I find are these men who pretend they want a relationship but who are really so unemotionally available.
      Thanks for commenting 💋

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I am glad that you confronted him, and that you value yourself enough to not settle for crumbs. I know the pain of going through that kind of thing. I have a hard time aswell, to find a man who is emotionally available. But I have come to the conclusion that it is better to be alone than to be with someone who makes me feel pain. I do hope for both me and you that there will be other men who will surface in the future, and who are able to give of themselves. take care hugs.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I hope so too ❤️
        I want it all. I want love. I want to be happy. I want a nice life. It kills me sometimes that that “nice life” might not include a man… But I still hope. I couldn’t live my life without hope.

        Liked by 1 person

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