I feel sad about Birdy. I feel like I’m such an afterthought –that is, if he thinks of me at all. He doesn’t call me (which is fine, I’m not a phone person). Still, it takes him around 24 hours to answer a text, which is tremendously frustrating. I go for very long stretches of time without hearing anything from him at all, and it makes me feel like shit. All I want is to feel like I matter to him. I like him so much. He is a terribly busy person with a lot of obligations. He leads quite a demanding lifestyle. The thing is, I always thought that if you care about something/someone, you make it a priority anyway. I’m feeling kind of like I’m on the bottom of the list. He is such a wonderful man. I genuinely respect and admire him. On paper he is everything I could want. In person he is beyond fabulous. I have awesome times with him. But in those times in between, he is almost completely absent. Maybe I expect too much. It is a new relationship after all, and what do I know about dating and men? Nothing really. I know he is this way with everyone, so maybe I am just taking things too much to heart. This could just be the way he is. Maybe I just have to accept him how he is. All I know is how I feel. Do you think I should confront him about my feelings, or should I just wait for them to pass (they usually do)? I am well known for creating mountains out of molehills. It’s a bit of specialty of mine. If only that was an employable skill, I’d be rich LOL. But the truth is that sometimes I really feel hurt. I would love to have a relationship with him, a partnership. I really don’t want to blow my chances. I just want more than what I’m getting. Am I greedy? Are my expectations set way too high? Do I want too much too soon?
That being said, I’m not sure how reliable my feelings are these days. I’m pretty down about the job situation. In the beginning it was all fun and games; now it’s just crap. I’m cranky and bored and my mind drifts off into all this negative BS. It’s so not good for me. I feel like a failure, not being able to find work. I’ve had a few interviews. I’ve left them feeling positive, but I just don’t seem to be cutting it, because I don’t get calls back (hmmm… do I detect a theme?). After a while, all the rejection starts to penetrate my not so very thick skin.
I feel scared, angry, and very much alone.
It is time like this where I wish I was still married to that old bastard of an ex of mine. He didn’t love me. He f’ed half of England. But at least I felt safe. To my face, he treated me kindly. He provided for us, and I wanted for nothing. I had my own house. I had my routine. I liked what I did. I was content (though of course, I was content because I had no idea of what was going on behind my back).
I know I’m supposed to be strong and independent. I know I’m supposed to tell myself, “I can do this.” Just right now, saying that would feel like a lie.
I hate my stupid ex boss for firing me.