What an awful day. I was offered a job today. Great, right? No. I was offered a job, BUT it was waaaay less than I was expecting, and so I declined. I think they undervalued me terribly, and really, I guess the thing is that I felt insulted. They acted like I was absolutely foolish to turn it down and think that I could possibly do any better. That insulted me even more. I am so sick of people treating me like shit. My ex husband, my bosses (and potential bosses), and then there’s the guys I meet. I have constantly lowered my standards and my humility in order to accommodate … and I AM GETTING SO FUCKING SICK OF IT.
I have two wishes for myself. The first is that I attain self sufficiency. I want to be able to buy and maintain my own place. A small place, that I can call my own. Something that nobody will be able to take from me. I have no desire to be rich or climb some silly corporate ladder. I’m not competitive, and I don’t desire to become the president of a Fortune 500 company. I would just like to earn enough money to maintain a small place, be able to eat fresh good food, have bubble baths (cheap), read great books (free with a library card), and travel once in a while (my only real splurge). I don’t need much, but I do need “enough.” In my mind, I have come up with a figure that would allow me to achieve that, and that is the salary I am currently asking for. It is nothing absurd, I assure you. It would only allow for a very modest lifestyle. This salary that I was offered today was not a living wage. It shouldn’t offend me the way it does. Of course a company wants to get employees for as cheap as they can in order to increase their own profit margins. I know that, but I’m offended anyway. It feels like a slap in the face. It feels like they are saying, “You don’t deserve a decent life. You deserve to be someone’s roommate and eat toast for dinner.” I cried… and then I got angry. Very fucking angry. And then my nose started to bleed LOL. You guys, I think I’m starting to loose my shit.
The second thing I want? Well, stupid me, always the romantic, I want love. Even now my eyes are welling up, because I know I have to reconcile with the idea that that just may not be a possibility for me anymore. That kills me. In March, three years have passed since I found out my marriage was a sham. In that time, I did fall in love once, but to make a long story short, he, like my prospective employer, didn’t think I was worth it.
I have endured so much sadness for so long. Now I am just angry. I wonder who wants to be the next contestant on “Crapping on Caroline”… step right up, because I’m about to rip someone a new A- Hole! Has bitterness finally taken over me, or am I just having a really bad day? Am I ever going to be able to take care of myself? Will I ever have someone look at me with love and see me as worthy? I don’t know. Fuck them all. They are all overvalued anyway. Big mouths and little penises. Fuck men. Fuck bosses. Fuck work. Fuck being unemployed.
On the bright side, my lovelies, I am not addicted to crack … well, not yet.