Today was a one star shit parade

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What an awful day. I was offered a job today. Great, right? No. I was offered a job, BUT it was waaaay less than I was expecting, and so I declined. I think they undervalued me terribly, and really, I guess the thing is that I felt insulted. They acted like I was absolutely foolish to turn it down and think that I could possibly do any better. That insulted me even more. I am so sick of people treating me like shit. My ex husband, my bosses (and potential bosses), and then there’s the guys I meet. I have constantly lowered my standards and my humility in order to accommodate … and I AM GETTING SO FUCKING SICK OF IT.

I have two wishes for myself. The first is that I attain self sufficiency. I want to be able to buy and maintain my own place. A small place, that I can call my own. Something that nobody will be able to take from me. I have no desire to be rich or climb some silly corporate ladder. I’m not competitive, and I don’t desire to become the president of a Fortune 500 company. I would just like to earn enough money to maintain a small place, be able to eat fresh good food, have bubble baths (cheap), read great books (free with a library card), and travel once in a while (my only real splurge). I don’t need much, but I do need “enough.” In my mind, I have come up with a figure that would allow me to achieve that, and that is the salary I am currently asking for. It is nothing absurd, I assure you. It would only allow for a very modest lifestyle. This salary that I was offered today was not a living wage. It shouldn’t offend me the way it does. Of course a company wants to get employees for as cheap as they can in order to increase their own profit margins. I know that, but I’m offended anyway. It feels like a slap in the face. It feels like they are saying, “You don’t deserve a decent life. You deserve to be someone’s roommate and eat toast for dinner.”  I cried… and then I got angry. Very fucking angry. And then my nose started to bleed LOL. You guys, I think I’m starting to loose my shit.

The second thing I want? Well, stupid me, always the romantic, I want love. Even now my eyes are welling up, because I know I have to reconcile with the idea that that just may not be a possibility for me anymore. That kills me. In March, three years have passed since I found out my marriage was a sham. In that time, I did fall in love once, but to make a long story short, he, like my prospective employer, didn’t think I was worth it.

I have endured so much sadness for so long. Now I am just angry.  I wonder who wants to be the next contestant on “Crapping on Caroline”… step right up, because I’m about to rip someone a new A- Hole! Has bitterness finally taken over me, or am I just having a really bad day? Am I ever going to be able to take care of myself? Will I ever have someone look at me with love and see me as worthy? I don’t know. Fuck them all. They are all overvalued anyway. Big mouths and little penises. Fuck men. Fuck bosses. Fuck work. Fuck being unemployed.

On the bright side, my lovelies, I am not addicted to crack … well, not yet.

skeletor_mindful

20 Comments

  1. Oh, my friend! It’s a bad chapter in your life. And there have been some disappointments that certainly fracture anyone’s self esteem. Betrayal, divorce, job loss, change in environment, heartbreak, etc. Those are huge in anyone’s life individually. You’ve had to deal with it all in a relatively short period of time.
    You should certainly value yourself. We as women tend to settle for any pay offered because we feel embarrassed or guilty; why we tend to make less than men. You did right in not accepting if you did not feel good about it. Bravo to you for that. That takes courage and guts. Keep the job hunt going and do whatever

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Buuuttttt you know what you have that a lot of women don’t have? A realisation of your self-worth. You are correct to ask for what you want, you are right to recognise your value…in both love and career.
    Don’t let the bastards get you down, just keep doing what you are doing. x.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Good for you for standing up for yourself. I know it must have made you feel like crap to get such a bad offer but you did the hard thing and turned them down instead of letting them undervalue you.

    Here’s hoping that today is a better day.

    P.S. I loved the memes! Am I rubbing off on you? 😉

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I absolutely love your finale. At least I am not addicted to crack!! I used to say that to my mom. 😊
    I know these feelings that you speak of very well. I have been through that too, being crapped on a LOT. All I can say is don’t let the bastards get you down! Stay strong, things just HAVE to turn around for you at some point! Otherwise you know, the whole universe gets… unbalanced, I guess!! Hugs. 😊💪💜

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Through all these bad feelings, I’m learning something valuable: it’s better to be alone and jobless than being disrespected and undervalued. The sadness finally turned to anger, and I just don’t want to take the sh*t anymore. I had enough of being a doormat.
      I hope the universe hurries up LOL 😜💋 otherwise next week might find me smoking crack with Satan LOL

      Liked by 2 people

      1. You are absolutely right! I have come to that same conclusion. Well I do have a job but when it comes to the relationship part. I am rather single than being someone’s plaything and doormat!

        Lol!! Smoking crack with Satan! Girl, you have a great sense of humour. Use that as a weapon against your current situation. Laugh at misery and its wounds will sting you a bit less. Hugs! 😊

        Like

  5. Good for you for not taking the job! I have a very similar attitude when it comes to work (not super competitive, no drive to be “rich” but rather live well with in my means) and hope that your trust in yourself and your value turns into a proper job offer too.

    Liked by 1 person

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