Bye Bye Birdy

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So often in life I have accepted much less than I deserved. Why? I guess I thought having a little something was better than having nothing at all. I am so used to doing it, I wasn’t even conscious of it until extremely recently. Now, however, I see it like a glaring neon sign. And now that it’s so obvious, I can no longer ignore it.

Aside from being unemployed, My situation with Birdy was really bothering me. I sort of semi-confronted him after I last wrote about him, but things didn’t get better. In fact they got worse. I genuinely feel like I don’t exist in his world. He has many good reasons as to why that is, but that doesn’t change how I feel as a result. I heard from him on Sunday morning and then he disappeared again. Five days had passed. (That can’t be normal for two people who are seeing each other, is it?). I have no doubt that he was genuinely busy, but now it was Friday and I had heard nothing. No “how are you” text… nothing.Β I was so unhappy, but this time, I had enough. I don’t know how to describe it, but in the last couple days, something changed inside of me. I know I don’t want to live the rest of my life as a doormat.

That being said, if I’m totally honest, I think by ending things, I am loosing more than Birdy is. I don’t think I’m ever going to find a man who has such a winning combination of heart, intelligence, and good looks again. He is truly awesome. I wanted this to work sooooo bad. I wanted him to care for me with all my heart. But if actions speak louder than words (not that he ever claimed to love me or anything), I meant very little to him.Β 

I know that at this point in my life, I’m no catch, but I also know that I’m a good person with a loving heart. I’m smart, I’m kind, I bend over backwards for those I love … I have value. I deserve more. I know that stuff, but oh, I feel so damned bad. This isn’t how it was supposed to go.

This morning I sent him an email (which I have copied, but edited a teeny bit here):

Dear Birdy,

I feel upset and confused. It has now been five days since I last heard from you. I don’t know if you are angry with me because of that stupid conversation we had, or if you are just busy, but either way, this sucks.

I knew from the very first time I met you that you were special, so different from everyone else. Since I moved here, you were the only man I met that I genuinely wanted. You are the only person I met who I knew I could come to love.

I don’t know what it is. Maybe we met at the wrong time. I know you just came out of a relationship that wasn’t a good one. Or maybe it’s just that you are not terribly into me for whatever reason (and that’s totally okay). You are very busy, and you also value your alone time. I know those things.

It’s just that I feel you are so far removed from me. It’s like you don’t want to get close to me, and for that reason, it feels hard for me to get close to you in the way I wish. I hate that you go days where you don’t even text me hello or ask how I am. I don’t require lengthy conversation, I just want to feel like you care. I want a relationship. A long term committed relationship. A partnership. I want someone who I feel has my back and I want that person to feel that I am there for them too. I want someone to share my deepest secrets with. I want love. I don’t know if you want those things too. I guess this is something I should have asked u about a long time ago, but I never felt able. I felt too shy. That is my fault.

I know I have a ton of flaws. I know that most people wouldn’t consider me a great catch at this phase in my life, but I know I’m am a good person. I have a lot of heart, and all I want to do is give it … if only I felt you wanted it, I think I’d be the happiest, proudest woman in the world.

I want you to be happy. Genuinely. I want to be happy too, but I can’t be in a relationship where I don’t feel valued. I’m so afraid of ending things because I feel like I will never find anyone else like you. I can’t make you care for me though and give me the attention I need. You have never actually told me if I meant anything to you, but five days of zero contact lead me to believe that you don’t.

I have to end things even though I desperately don’t want to. I can’t give my heart to a man who isn’t willing to share his. I need to feel wanted. Maybe that sounds stupid to you, but It’s part of who I am.

I wish you so much good. I wish you everything your heart desires and more. You are an amazing man and you deserve all the happiness in the world. I will always think of you with tons of respect and admiration.

Love always,
Caroline

To be continued…

24 Comments

  1. I am sorry for you. What a beautiful heartfelt letter. I think he has made a mistake in losing you!
    Hey, he is not worth “more” than you. You are as much of a catch as he is. A good person with a loving heart is a catch. Don’t undervalue yourself Caroline. 😊 Hugs! πŸ’œ

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Oh miss lovely, I am sitting here at the Victoria and Albert museum outside an interesting exhibit of undergarments titled “undressed” surrounded by amazing treasures… all because you suggested I go here. You are a catch and I’m pretty sure you know part of your journey is to value yourself more highly, with or without a man. I just said good-bye to BE as he headed off to a meeting near St. Patrick’s cathedral and if there is anything I know, from deep in my heart, it is that there is no perfect person, but there are, in all their imperfectness, perfect relationships. You will find one. He will not be perfect, he may not be as gorgeous to look at as Birdy, but he will be perfect to you. He’s out there. In the meantime, continue being kind to yourself and building up that self love! I’m obviously not a man, but in two weeks, I will help you take your mind off all this. Love and hugs and I am counting down the days!!! Tomorrow we will go to afternoon tea at The Connaught for my birthday and we will clink our tea cups together ever so gently and toast you!!! β˜•οΈπŸ°πŸŒΈπŸ˜ŽπŸ’–

    Liked by 3 people

    1. I know you are there for me. Whenever I count my blessings, you are always on that list ❀️
      In my brain, I know I lost nothing, because I never had anything to begin with. I suppose I lost the fantasy of what I wished it could be.
      I once had birthday tea at the Connaught too πŸŽ‚I hope u love it as much as I do. The cake slices at the end are Pierre Herme πŸ˜‰ I know things lol.
      Enjoy the V&A, it’s my favorite London museum. Don’t forget to check out those gorgeous rooms in the cafeteria. They were my secret happy place I would love to visit when I felt a little down. Harrods is a few steps away too ☺️
      I am going to be okay. This isn’t fun, but I know it means I’m gaining back a bit of my self worth, something I seemed to have lost a long time ago. That’s priceless.
      So much love to u on your birthday. I will be thinking of u tomorrow. Eat some cake for me too ❀️❀️❀️

      Liked by 3 people

      1. Oh, I like to eat enough cake for at least two and my belly confirms it! πŸ˜‰

        You did have something with Birdy, it just wasn’t everything you wanted. Walking away was being kind to yourself, even if it hurts. I have never been a fantasy kind of girl, more a live in the moment happy person. I am having to relearn how to be that person. You know what you want. Patience and perseverance are the challenges, for all of us! I understand. More hugs! β™₯️β™₯️β™₯️

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Happy birthday lovely πŸŽ‚β€οΈπŸŽ‚β€οΈπŸŽ‚β€οΈ will be thinking of u at the Connaught!
        Sometimes it’s tough giving up on what you think u might have. But I would rather have something real. One day it’s going to happen for me.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. It is! 😊 Thank goodness for the fabulous Tube. πŸš‡ We are way out here in North Greenwich. Leaving in a few minutes for tea. I’m even wearing a dress and sandals! πŸ‘—πŸ‘‘… β™₯️

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Very sweet and heartfelt. He didn’t give you enough and you are putting yourself first. You gave him ample opportunity and openings to come back into your life but he can’t give you what you need. Goodbye, Birdy. You were fun but now it hurts. But it won’t soon enough, Caroline. You’ll find better.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I saw the title of your post and exclaimed, “Oh no!” I’m sorry, Caroline. I know you really wanted things to work out with Birdy and I’m sure you’re hurting because things didn’t go as you had hoped. With that said this really is a good thing in the end. You know why? Because you realized you were getting shafted and you said, “I’m not going to take it anymore!” You stood up for yourself and you told him what was and wasn’t acceptable.

    I’m so much like you; I just keep smiling and nodding until I finally explode. I don’t want to be like anymore. I refuse to be like that anymore. I don’t care how good looking or rich or kind or fabulous or smart he was. If he didn’t treat you the way you wanted and needed to be treated then he wasn’t the right one for you and he wasn’t all that kind or fabulous. People who care make time for their loved ones. I don’t care how busy I am I can always send a text. Don’t buy that BS that he was soooo busy.

    Lastly, stop with all this nonsense about you not being a catch! You are fabulous! He lost MORE than you did because he had something of substance to lose. He lost a good woman who cared and who was willing to be all in with him. You were willing to go through life with him, share secrets with him, be a part of his daily life. You, on the other hand, lost a whole lot of smoke and mirrors.

    (((HUGS))) Caroline. I hope your heart mends soon and good, no great, things come your way. The sleeping giant has arisen! You will not be stopped!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you so much for what you wrote. I think in giving Birdy up, I gain a piece of my self worth. My heart isn’t broken, its just sad because I saw so much potential in him. He was rare and wonderful, but I was never in love with him because he never let me love him. I always felt a sort of barrier, like he wouldn’t let me in. I wanted to love him. But maybe God was protecting me by keeping that wall between us.
      I still have not gotten a response from him. I wonder what his reaction will be… If he reacts at all (and of course if he doesn’t even respond, I know I absolutely did the right thing. I hate meaning so little to him. This is why I can’t continue.)

      Liked by 2 people

  5. Caroline. What. Everyone. Else. Said. You are amazing, and I feel you are beginning to remember that. Honestly, Birdy doesn’t sound very much of a catch. A bit full of his own importance for mine. And you are worth so much more than being someone’s careless afterthought. Much love you warrior!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. πŸ’‹πŸ’‹πŸ’‹πŸ’‹πŸ’‹πŸ’‹πŸ’‹ thank you, all you lovely ladies are going to give me a big head. I feel good about the step I took today. I know I did the right thing ☺️

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  6. With the divorce, the lost job, and just getting older I can understand how that can do a number on one’s self worth but I wonder how that comes across to the men you date. For me, finding happiness in my life (sans a man) made me a better person and I feel that radiated out when I did finally meet the guy who is now my husband. He saw confidence and determination and that I would be fine with or without him. Maybe finding your happiness and acceptance of yourself is what you need at this point. It’s just something to think about since all I really know about you is what you write here. Age is just a number and a job does not define you as a person.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Good point, I am sure I do come across as lacking in confidence. I never had a great self esteem. Not ever. It is something I absolutely need to work on. I want to be happy (with or without a man– I know that I place way too much emphasis on having a relationship, and its destructive for me).

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  7. I am sorry you are having to go through this. Relationships are never easy, and after having been through your experiences you are looking at things from slightly (completely?) different angles than ten, fifteen, twenty years ago. Right now, you need someone who makes you feel worthy, valued, loved. Hey, you at least know and are able to communicate that this is in fact what you want, what you need! That is big, that is way bigger than where you were in the last round I assume? So heads up beautiful, the next knight is on the corner.

    Liked by 1 person

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