So often in life I have accepted much less than I deserved. Why? I guess I thought having a little something was better than having nothing at all. I am so used to doing it, I wasn’t even conscious of it until extremely recently. Now, however, I see it like a glaring neon sign. And now that it’s so obvious, I can no longer ignore it.
Aside from being unemployed, My situation with Birdy was really bothering me. I sort of semi-confronted him after I last wrote about him, but things didn’t get better. In fact they got worse. I genuinely feel like I don’t exist in his world. He has many good reasons as to why that is, but that doesn’t change how I feel as a result. I heard from him on Sunday morning and then he disappeared again. Five days had passed. (That can’t be normal for two people who are seeing each other, is it?). I have no doubt that he was genuinely busy, but now it was Friday and I had heard nothing. No “how are you” text… nothing. I was so unhappy, but this time, I had enough. I don’t know how to describe it, but in the last couple days, something changed inside of me. I know I don’t want to live the rest of my life as a doormat.
That being said, if I’m totally honest, I think by ending things, I am loosing more than Birdy is. I don’t think I’m ever going to find a man who has such a winning combination of heart, intelligence, and good looks again. He is truly awesome. I wanted this to work sooooo bad. I wanted him to care for me with all my heart. But if actions speak louder than words (not that he ever claimed to love me or anything), I meant very little to him.
I know that at this point in my life, I’m no catch, but I also know that I’m a good person with a loving heart. I’m smart, I’m kind, I bend over backwards for those I love … I have value. I deserve more. I know that stuff, but oh, I feel so damned bad. This isn’t how it was supposed to go.
This morning I sent him an email (which I have copied, but edited a teeny bit here):
I feel upset and confused. It has now been five days since I last heard from you. I don’t know if you are angry with me because of that stupid conversation we had, or if you are just busy, but either way, this sucks.
I knew from the very first time I met you that you were special, so different from everyone else. Since I moved here, you were the only man I met that I genuinely wanted. You are the only person I met who I knew I could come to love.
I don’t know what it is. Maybe we met at the wrong time. I know you just came out of a relationship that wasn’t a good one. Or maybe it’s just that you are not terribly into me for whatever reason (and that’s totally okay). You are very busy, and you also value your alone time. I know those things.
It’s just that I feel you are so far removed from me. It’s like you don’t want to get close to me, and for that reason, it feels hard for me to get close to you in the way I wish. I hate that you go days where you don’t even text me hello or ask how I am. I don’t require lengthy conversation, I just want to feel like you care. I want a relationship. A long term committed relationship. A partnership. I want someone who I feel has my back and I want that person to feel that I am there for them too. I want someone to share my deepest secrets with. I want love. I don’t know if you want those things too. I guess this is something I should have asked u about a long time ago, but I never felt able. I felt too shy. That is my fault.
I know I have a ton of flaws. I know that most people wouldn’t consider me a great catch at this phase in my life, but I know I’m am a good person. I have a lot of heart, and all I want to do is give it … if only I felt you wanted it, I think I’d be the happiest, proudest woman in the world.
I want you to be happy. Genuinely. I want to be happy too, but I can’t be in a relationship where I don’t feel valued. I’m so afraid of ending things because I feel like I will never find anyone else like you. I can’t make you care for me though and give me the attention I need. You have never actually told me if I meant anything to you, but five days of zero contact lead me to believe that you don’t.
I have to end things even though I desperately don’t want to. I can’t give my heart to a man who isn’t willing to share his. I need to feel wanted. Maybe that sounds stupid to you, but It’s part of who I am.
I wish you so much good. I wish you everything your heart desires and more. You are an amazing man and you deserve all the happiness in the world. I will always think of you with tons of respect and admiration.
To be continued…