In my last post, I told you that on day 30 of 40 I lost my Birthday Challenge when I contacted Birdy. Though I’m not particularly proud of that, I forgive myself. No need to make myself eat any harshmellows in repentance. Thirty days is still a decent amount of time. I’m not kidding when I say that I really did learn a lot from the experience. Today I thought I’d write about those 30 days. They weren’t easy, but they also weren’t as awful as I had imagined.
The thing that surprised me most, is how much more even tempered I became. I won’t say I didn’t have ANY bouts of tears (I’m a terrible crybaby), but I had a lot less. A LOT. My mood wasn’t constantly swinging from despair to elation. I wan’t constantly looking to see if I received a text. I seriously calmed the F down. That was good. Life without a man’s attention was actually okay… most of the time. I had moments where I definitely felt lonely, but I had way fewer of those episodes. I genuinely did experience the ability to find happiness outside of a man. That was momentous for me. Truly.
With all this newfound time on my hands (no job, and no man to focus on), I immersed myself in positive thoughts and ideas. I guess you can think of it as brainwashing. I washed myself of a lot of my negativity. How? I watched loads of stuff on YouTube. I watched (and continue to watch) anything from Ted Talks to some new-agey sort of ideas that some of you may find odd, but which really seem to work for me. I can honestly tell you that this has sparked a definite change in my thought processes. I see things with slightly different eyes now. I am a bit more confident, a bit more positive, and a lot more okay. I am hoping this will translate into my relationships with the opposite sex. But its not just about guys…
Just to give you an example, on the day I went for my job interview I was so pumped up with the good vibes I got from watching videos, that I KNOW my interviewers felt it. I’m sure it came across in my smile and my confidence (there are very few times in my life where I exuded confidence, but this was one of them). I know that’s why I got the job. I was positively radiating the good stuff. So I can tell you without doubt, that your thoughts really do become things. If you are able to harness this idea, you tap into something incredibly powerful. If you want to know more about this concept, start googling “Law of Attraction.”
So why did I fail the challenge? I actually wanted to ask Birdy a medical question about something that was really bothering me, but then I couldn’t help myself from telling him that I missed him. I told him about my new job and about T. He was kind and understanding, and the next day he asked me to have dinner with him. It was kind of awesome. He actually texted me when I was writing the post 100 Things I Love. It was about a minute or so after typing “unexpected text messages.” I kid you not. I am dead serious when I say that being in that good vibe zone creates magic. I know it sounds all hippy dippy but I totally believe it.
So, after 30 days, do I think life without men is better? Um… no. Love to me is the best feeling in the world, and the greatest gift us humans get while we are on this earth. The problem is, I have not loved or been loved in a very long time. I get high hopes, I have gotten the initial excitement … and then I have gotten terribly disappointed. I don’t think that will always be the case. I know I have a lot to offer, and that somewhere I will find someone worthy of me. It could be Birdy (and I hope it is), but it also could be someone I have yet to meet. I am open to the possibilities.
My takeaway from all of this is 1) thinking positive can attract positive things and 2) that even though I find life more fun with a man, I can actually be okay without one. It really wasn’t as bad I thought.