In my last post I told you that I had plans to see the fireworks with a friend. Plans changed. BS (yes, that is really this person’s initials) is kind of an A-hole. I don’t see BS often, and there is a reason for that. Have you ever spent time with someone, who just drains the life out of you like a blood sucking vampire? It’s kind of like they feed on your goodness only to leave you feeling absolutely deflated. BS is that sort of animal. Sometimes people like that are family members, and we have no choice but to be tolerant and turn the other cheek, but why would someone actually volunteer to spend time with someone like that out of their own free will?
It’s pretty pathetic, but let me just be honest: sometimes I really dread feeling alone and would rather be with a shithead than be on my own. How lousy is that? Yeah, I still have a lot of self-work to do, that much is obvious. BS has this ugly habit of always insulting my religion. I try to shake it off, but BS grabs onto it like a dog with a bone and will not let go. It is just one insult after another, and I can’t help but feeling terribly offended. I tend not to speak up about it. I know that if I do things will get ugly… and then last night I was lying in bed, and I decided, NO, I was not going to let this continue. I texted BS to explain my feelings. BS told me that this is just who they are, and that I have to accept it if I want to hang out. To make a long story short, we parted ways. Apparently I wasn’t a friend enough to deserve any sort of respect. I was only required as a doormat, not as a person with actual thoughts and feelings.
I have nobody to blame but myself for allowing that kind of treatment. Somehow I got used to it, not just with BS, but with a lot of people. When you get used to something for long enough, it becomes your “normal,” even if it isn’t actually normal at all. In fact, it’s sticking up for myself that feels positively uncomfortable for me. It is unfortunate, but as a little girl, I got picked on a lot. I was the subject of severe bullying, and I know it took a huge toll on me. It really effected my self esteem, even well into adulthood. As a wife, I kept quiet to keep the peace with the in laws. I just wanted to be liked. It didn’t matter what it cost me. It’s strange how I am still battling those old demons today. Some say life keeps throwing us the same lessons over and over again until we learn. Maybe I am learning.
It is highly unlikely that I am going to see the fireworks now. Maybe I might catch a glimpse of light from the porch, but I most certainly did celebrate Independence Day in my own special way. I didn’t feel bad, like I was loosing a friend, I felt like I was getting rid of something very heavy. I love it when I do the right thing LOL. It doesn’t happen every day. Today I gave myself a special kind of independence, and there were no fireworks necessary.