Once upon a time I was in a VERY bad place. I remember being in London, wishing as I crossed the street that one of those big red busses would run me over. I remember crying in Sainsburys (a supermarket) as I walked down the isles. All I could feel was this horrible crushing grief. I had a lot of trouble seeing past the there and now. Things were bad. I needed hope. I needed to know that life was going to get better. The only way I could figure out how to prove to myself that this would pass, was to document it (this was before I started blogging). And so, on December 20, 2013 I started a journal. Today I wrote the last entry. I can indeed confirm that things did get better.
I remember being in middle school learning about something called The Scorched Earth Policy. It was a tactic used in war to destroy enemy land, to kill the people, the animals, and vegetation so that it would be uninhabitable for anyone or anything left. No crops could be planted on that destroyed land; and as a result, no life could flourish. It was utter and complete decimation. That is how I can describe who and what I was at that point of my life. I was destroyed. Though there are no tall majestic trees in my forrest anymore, I can confirm that there is life. There are flowers, and the beginning of something new. What exactly is going to end up there, I have no idea, but I am hopeful that it is something good and beautiful.
When things are bad, there are days that you can not take even baby steps. Sometimes you can take one or two, and sometimes you have steps backwards. The result is that progress is so minisucle that sometimes you wonder if you made any progress at all. This is where keeping a journal can be so helpful. It feels so good to look back at who you were two years ago and have proof of how far you’ve come. Not only that, but its a great place to vent your feelings, tell your story and express yourself, and to write letters to people that you never actually intend on sending. What can I say, I like to document my crazy LOL. I like to glue little scraps into mine: tickets for shows I’ve been to, little business cards from restaurants I liked, and all kinds of teeny paper momentos. Today, when I finished the very last page, I felt like a proud mama, like I created a book very unique to me, a story unlike anyone elses, and I can’t wait to get started on my next one.
Journal #2 starts tomorrow as I embark on my journey to Arizona. I am so looking forward to this! I will have a three day weekend all to myself where I intend to do plenty of eating and exploring. Oh, did I mention that I passed my test? I am now a licensed adjuster. I can’t wait to get my certificate. I think I’m going to frame it.
So, out of curiosity, do you journal? Does it help you? Do you look at it every once in a while and read your old entries? Time to share with the class.
p.s. Do follow my Instagram. I hope to post some cool pics of my upcoming adventure!