I really don’t like to focus on the negative, but I have been really depressed, and I think I should talk about it. Something just came over me this week. Every day at work’s end I am in tears. I’m embarrassed to admit that after work on Friday someone actually discovered me crying in the parking lot. I have been going through so many of the same emotions I dealt with when I first came back to America. I was really struggling then. While I have been overwhelmed at work, and I feel truly worn out and just plain old tired, the way I feel goes way deeper than than that.
I believe that in life we all have some kind of purpose. I feel that the closer we align with that purpose the happier we become, and the farther we get, the more unhappy. I feel like I have deviated from my purpose… deviated way too far. I am really starting to believe that I might never achieve it now. I realize how stupid it might sound when I tell you that I have always believed that my purpose in life was to love and be loved. I also realize you might think I’m silly that I’ve concluded that I am just not loveable… but what else am I to think? After three years of separating from my ex husband, no man has found it in his heart to love me. And as I get older, as my looks fade, as the drudgery of daily life becomes my norm, it becomes increasingly unlikely. With this thought I feel like I am grieving very deeply for what I wanted more than anything.
At first I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know how to shake this sadness. My positive thinking videos that I watch on YouTube weren’t pulling me out of my feelings like they normally do. Do I just need to rest?
Well this morning I woke up with my solution: it’s time to redefine myself, to find a new purpose. Love was what I always thought would bring me happiness, but instead of looking for what would lead me to happiness, I’m just going to focus on happiness itself. Maybe love will show up somewhere along the way, maybe it won’t. I have to be okay with that.
And how do I do that? I have a lot of thinking to do.
Monday is my mother’s birthday. The first person in my life to love me… truly love me without condition. A mother’s love is special, incomparable. No bond comes close to it. I have no doubt she is also the person behind my first smile and my first taste of happiness. My very first memory is being with my mother in the park. I was being wheeled by her in the carriage. I could see sunlight making it’s way through the leaves of the trees. The feeling I remember is joy. I don’t know how I got it in my head that this feeling had to come from a man. All of my life I have been surrounded by women that I adore, women who are survivors. I want to be one of those women. I want to be proud of myself. I want to create happiness out of nothing, just like they do.
Today I am making a change. I dedicate this blog to my mother, and I am changing the title from “Totally Caroline” to “Totally Caroline … in pursuit of happiness.” It’s time to unfuck myself. I need to find the woman inside me that I was meant to be, before all the “stuff” happened. This blog will be where I document that journey.