In the pursuit of happiness

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Nigel Van Wieck. Q Train (1990). From the Working Girl series.
I really don’t like to focus on the negative, but I have been really depressed, and I think I should talk about it. Something just came over me this week. Every day at work’s end I am in tears. I’m embarrassed to admit that after work on Friday someone actually discovered me crying in the parking lot. I have been going through so many of the same emotions I dealt with when I first came back to America. I was really struggling then. While I have been overwhelmed at work, and I feel truly worn out and just plain old tired, the way I feel goes way deeper than than that.

I believe that in life we all have some kind of purpose. I feel that the closer we align with that purpose the happier we become, and the farther we get, the more unhappy. I feel like I have deviated from my purpose… deviated way too far. I am really starting to believe that I might never achieve it now. I realize how stupid it might sound when I tell you that I have always believed that my purpose in life was to love and be loved. I also realize you might think I’m silly that I’ve concluded that I am just not loveable… but what else am I to think? After three years of separating from my ex husband, no man has found it in his heart to love me. And as I get older, as my looks fade, as the drudgery of daily life becomes my norm, it becomes increasingly unlikely. With this thought I feel like I am grieving very deeply for what I wanted more than anything.

At first I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know how to shake this sadness. My positive thinking videos that I watch on YouTube weren’t pulling me out of my feelings like they normally do. Do I just need to rest?

Well this morning I woke up with my solution: it’s time to redefine myself, to find a new purpose. Love was what I always thought would bring me happiness, but instead of looking for what would lead me to happiness, I’m just going to focus on happiness itself. Maybe love will show up somewhere along the way, maybe it won’t. I have to be okay with that.

And how do I do that? I have a lot of thinking to do.

Monday is my mother’s birthday. The first person in my life to love me… truly love me without condition. A mother’s love is special, incomparable. No bond comes close to it. I have no doubt she is also the person behind my first smile and my first taste of happiness. My very first memory is being with my mother in the park. I was being wheeled by her in the carriage. I could see sunlight making it’s way through the leaves of the trees. The feeling I remember is joy. I don’t know how I got it in my head that this feeling had to come from a man. All of my life I have been surrounded by women that I adore, women who are survivors. I want to be one of those women. I want to be proud of myself. I want to create happiness out of nothing, just like they do.

Today I am making a change. I dedicate this blog to my mother, and I am changing the title from “Totally Caroline” to “Totally Caroline … in pursuit of happiness.” It’s time to unfuck myself. I need to find the woman inside me that I was meant to be, before all the “stuff” happened. This blog will be where I document that journey.

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22 Comments

  1. My dear friend. I applaud you for this. To examine your mindset and question it is surprisingly difficult to do. And I agree wholeheartedly with your conclusion. Love comes in many forms, and they all have value. Happiness is elusive after such heartbreak and plain old disappointment. But you can find it. You have a big heart, and a huge capacity for beauty. Sending
    MY love to add to the pile xxx.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I only have this one life, I have to make the most of what I got. Things didn’t happen the way I expected them to, and that has been such a hard thing for me to cope with … but let’s see what I can do with it. The way I figure, there just HAS to be more to it than this.
      Love always ā¤ļø C

      Liked by 1 person

  2. well you aren’t alone in this feeling of unlovedness – I look around me and see so many women that are mean, bitchy, immoral, unethical, lazy, disloyal, and I wonder how did they find love and I can’t???? I’ve been single for almost three years too and can’t seem to find a man that truly loves me either and just yesterday cried before work and after work – hugs!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I’m calling it. Hillary for the win. I’m sorry for the choice you guys have to make – there’s no way to leave that polling booth feeling….clean. It’s all mega grubby. Anyway wtf has this got to do with your post? I was setting up a Instagram for tomorrow, searching for quotes about strong women. And I came upon this ‘A strong woman builds her own world. She is one who is wise enough to know that it will attract the man she will gladly share it with.’ Now I’m not really one for doing things with the opinion of men in mind, but I suspect there is a lot of truth in this.
    As you know I have been known to have a blub in my work myself, and whilst it’s humiliating, it takes a strong woman to touch a nerve, be emotional, those are your emotions, claim them! It also takes a strong woman to take stock and change direction.
    Just think in a few hours you will most likely have a deeply flawed, a nasty woman, a strong woman running the country.
    Build your universe, it will be beyond fabulous, I suspect you’ll attract more than just a man!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I like a nasty woman LOL, what can I say.
      You know, the problem is I never learned to do things by myself. That left me with a bit of a handicap, and it left me feeling I can’t do this on my own. U are so right though, I need to build my own universe, for more reasons than one. šŸ’‹

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Sooo I may have spoken a wee bit too soon. Not quite sure what’s going on with the world this morning.
        You’re not alone in feeling you don’t haven’t learnt necessary skills, probably emotionally or practically, to be alone – lots of married women, current or otherwise, feel the same way. Me included. And it is a stupid trap to fall into – but how are you meant to know that whilst you’re enjoying being married that you should guard yourself against it? I suspect there’s a well of strength and knowledge in you that you just haven’t tapped into yet.
        Grab a cake and get digging šŸ˜ šŸ˜˜

        Like

  4. Live your truth girl! And remember this moment. When we get real about where we are and don’t sugar coat we get the answers we need! Love can still be your purpose girlie! But don’t let the shallow pictures of love the world gives you distort your path. The more you give love unconventionally the more you’ll see it in places you’ve never expected. You loving on your mom is a good start. After that, start loving on people who may not deserve it… let me know what happens! Thanks for your vulnerability!

    Liked by 1 person

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