Birdy dumped me

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Silly Caroline with her head in the clouds. Not long ago she told you that things were going kinda well as far as Birdy was concerned. She met his parents and foolishly considered it a milestone in their relationship. Perhaps it wasn’t a relationship at all, because despite their intimacy, Caroline was never his girlfriend. She was told this. She did not listen. She only pretended to understand. The heart eats lies when it is hungry enough, even if they are lies we tell ourselves.

Yesterday I got a text from Birdy. I hadn’t heard from him in a while. He told me he was being distant because he was displeased with me (my words, not his). Basically, he does all this stuff for me (which he does, and I have always felt very grateful for it), and I, in return don’t make an effort with myself. I don’t feel like getting into this in great detail, because 1) it makes me feel embarrassed/ashamed and 2) it kind of hurts to write about this. I feel not unlike how I felt when my husband told me that I was not attractive.

I replied to him. I told him that I would make a greater effort. I was quite submissive about the whole thing. It’s how I know how to diffuse a situation. I didn’t really stand up for myself, I just kind of lowered my wings of humility, despite the emotions that were coursing through me.  I guess that wasn’t enough though because he didn’t reply. He also didn’t take my call when I tried to talk things through with him.

The truth is I adored him. He is smart, handsome, and passionate. We had some amazing times together– or at least I thought we did. We share many ideals. But I think in addition to his many amazing qualities, he can also be very cold and dismissive of me. I never liked that part, but I accepted it, because I thought he was worth it. I thought maybe he’d see how much I care for him and come around.

Of course, being Caroline, I cried. I am always crying. My heart is just too soft. Despite all I’ve been through, I never developed a protective shell around it. My mother came to comfort me. I told her I’d be okay. I reminded her that I had once lost a man that I loved for 18 years, and I survived it. It was the greatest trial of my life. I could surely get over Birdy. And I meant it. And I will. But I hurt. I really thought things were moving in a positive direction. I would have bet money that he was finally warming up to me. I seriously misjudged.

Look, I know that you can’t keep someone that doesn’t want to be with you. Quite frankly, I don’t want to feel like I have to “trap” a man to keep him by my side anyway. I want more for myself than that. I want to be a prize, not someone who has to fight tooth and nail for affection.

What is wrong with me? How come no man ever looks at me and recognizes how much I have to offer? How come no man ever thinks that he would be lucky to have me? Why do I always feel like I have to convince someone that I am worthwhile?

I’m okay. At this point in my life I’ve been hurt enough times that the blows don’t shatter me anymore. But FUCK! I’m tired of this. Is this never going to happen for me?

27 Comments

  1. They are just the wrong men. They can’t see the jewel that you are because there is something ‘wrong’ about them. I don’t want you to submit and apologise for who you are. I want you to shine that deep light! I feel that deep down you know this. You knew he was acting superior, etc. He is NOT. He was feeding his own ego by keeping you dancing on the line. He may have had a lot of attractive qualities. But that playing and asking you to dance harder is terribly ugly.

    Christmas hugs. For now and always xxx. You are enough.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I agree with you completely. The thing is, Birdy has many fine qualities… and he knows it, and I think that has made him somewhat egotistical. Does he not remember that once he was human?
      I am willing to make changes, but I don’t want to be made a fool of 🙁 I’m not sure if it’s too late for that though.
      I want desperately for him to apologize to me and tell me how horrible he was. Is that stupid? He won’t though. My shred of self respect won’t allow me to contact him again.
      ❤❤❤

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Sweet C, you know how I feel, but I am going to comment on here anyway. We all have work to do on ourselves, always. But the work we do on ourselves is for ourselves, not for someone else. When you talk about Birdy this way (like in your comment to Paula, in my opinion) it is very self defeating, “The thing is, Birdy has many fine qualities… and he knows it, and I think that has made him somewhat egotistical. Does he not remember that once he was human? I am willing to make changes, but I don’t want to be made a fool of 🙁 I’m not sure if it’s too late for that though.” He is still human. There is nothing about him that makes him a better person than you. This is a mismatch. You two do not want the same things. It is not about good or bad, it’s not about making changes in order to win something from someone that is not there to win. Don’t give him more credit than he deserves. Yes, there were qualities about him that you adored (and I am sure there were many qualities about you that he adores), BUT, the most important quality is availability to be a loving, giving and devoted life partner to you, and he does not have it. I realize when things don’t go our way or we cannot have something we really want, we blame ourselves. I think sometimes we pursue things we can never have and that is on us, but not because there is something wrong with us. We merely made a mistake and forgot to not chase the unattainable.

    “What is wrong with me? How come no man ever looks at me and recognizes how much I have to offer? How come no man ever thinks that he would be lucky to have me? Why do I always feel like I have to convince someone that I am worthwhile?” You have not found the right man. That is it. There is nothing wrong with you. All I can say is that when you are looking at someone to be your life partner, before you put too much credit on other things, make sure they are available for the kind of relationship you want. If not, you have to walk away.

    I hope your heart heals quickly so you can put that energy into pursuing the birdy who does not fly away. ❤

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I love you Kat ❤ you are like the big sister I never had. Thank you for what you said. You bring up an extremely important point: probably before I ever go out on a date with a man, I need to ask him what he is looking for, and if he is at a stage in his life where he is looking for a relationship. Birdy was a closed door from the start, and it wasn’t right for me to keep knocking. I want to be invited in, to be welcomed.
      You are the best ❤❤❤

      Liked by 1 person

  3. If there is one thing I know how to do, it’s be a big sis. I was born to do it. You are everything you need to be and more. I know you will find the perfect mate for you. Being the perfect mate doesn’t mean being perfect, just a good match for you! You deserve the partner that misses you when you’re not with him. You deserve the man that lavishes you with love and attention every day, not just when it’s convenient. The one that understands when you’re having a shitty day and embraces you with compassion and kindness. And on your best of days, he’s there to share every shiny moment! You deserve it all. Don’t settle. Walk confidently with your held high. You, my friend, are regal! 💖👑👸🏻

    Liked by 2 people

  4. I’m sorry, I know you liked him – a lot.
    Buuuuttt, I do feel, reading how your posts about him there was a thread of manipulation running through your relationship, could he have been feeding his ego by keeping you interested, and only giving you enough of himself to do so? That’s not cool. Nobody should have to ‘warm up’ to you, you’re a frickin peach, a jewel. My gut feeling is until you truly recognise your own worth, your own independence, your own smarts, your own beauty, birdy will be the norm not the exception.
    Humiliation at the hands of another doesn’t come from
    One bad ending, it generally, comes from months of leaving you dangling, being cold and distant, having you dance to a tune, until he’s dissatisfied enough to actually end it. The embarrassment is his, if his ego allowed him, he should be ashamed, but he won’t.
    Keep your head up chicken 😘

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Wow, I never thought of it this way! What you wrote really opens my eyes! I do have this habit of always telling people what I like about them. I like to make people feel good about themselves. Am I creating monsters in doing so? Birdy would always just say “thank you” and never return any compliments. I didn’t say nice things in order to receive, but it is a little odd that he rarely complimented me in return.
      ❤❤❤

      Liked by 1 person

  5. When I was in year 11 of high school, I very briefly dipped my toe in the pool of cool girls. It was exhausting. Then I cut all my hair off, gained some weight, wore boots and paint splattered shirts, all of a sudden I was ‘weird’, not cool. And quite honestly I’ve been doing my level best to stay weird ever since. Because being in the company of the girls made me hyper aware of who I was, what I wore, how I spoke, and on and on.
    The thing about ‘cool’ people, the mean girls if you like, is they are elusive and then just charming enough to keep you coming back for more.
    I might be wrong, because I don’t know him, but birdy has all the hallmarks of a mean girl. The elusiveness ensures that when they shine their light on you, you feel all the brighter for it. But really it does nothing for you, except maybe make you aware of all your ‘failings.’ Sucks to be human right.
    These people play a game that I could never get my head around, because I am not like that, I too am open, if I like something I say I like it, if I don’t like something – well usually that comes flying out too. By the way that openness is a beautiful gift, to be able to tell someone exactly what you like about them and expect nothing in return, is truly lovely.
    You have so much value and worth, I do have to wonder what lady will end up tying themselves in knots to satisfy the mean girl in birdy. Big love my friend x

    Liked by 2 people

  6. Oh boy!! You know what? I’m not even going to come up with some kind of compassionate thing to say that will only make me feel better.

    Here goes!! I would like to kick Birdy in the nuts for leading you on. I think Birdy’s a jerk for not recognizing what a great girl you are. I hope Birdy gets a very nasty cold!!!

    You know what to do. You sure don’t need advice from me. “A friend will hold your hand and wipe your tears. A good friend will offer to drive you and supply the tar and feathers!!!” Confucius–no not really, I read that on some pithy meme 🙂

    You hang in there dear Caroline.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I, too, am sorry Caroline. Pain in love is always close to unbearable. We must look on the “good” side of this. He was not going to be right for you long term. And as soon as you have yourself sorted out, you will be ready to meet a man who will be.

    Like

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