Mr Big. I don’t think he is going to work. I am not deleting him from my life, I will keep him – but at arm’s length. I just can’t handle the guy. He rubs off on me in a way which feels very negative and toxic. He makes me feel bad. He says I’m a drama queen. Maybe I am. He is not the first to say so. We are just so different, and I am beginning to doubt we will ever find common ground. I don’t think he is capable of giving me affection in a way which I would find satisfying. When it comes to him I need to expect nothing. And gosh, when I think about that and how absolutely rock bottom my standards are, I feel so deeply sad. There was a moment last week where I felt we really connected, but I’m starting to think that was all in my head.
He likes me most when I’m ignoring him and refusing to meet up. That’s when he makes an effort. That’s when I get texts. Once we do meet, he ignores me for days on end. When I confront him he is dismissive. Sometimes he is just cruel. At the moment, as I write this, I can honestly tell you that I don’t even like him. This is what my relationship with him has been like over the last two years. This is why we go for such long periods without uttering a word.
There’s another guy too. I shall call him Prince. Prince is super handsome. I am really attracted to him. I met him only once, through work. He is 5 years younger than me. He is muscular and has a lot of tattoos. I find tattoos very sexy! Prince and I send each other flirty texts, but we never met outside that one occasion, which was totally work related. I am not sure what to make of him. I’m not sure how deep his interest in me is, or wether he has the time for a relationship. Our work schedules conflict quite a bit, and like Mr Big, he is always on the go. His father is quite ill and he has a young daughter. I don’t know if there is any room for me there. I feel very flattered to have his attention, if nothing else. Unlike Mr Big, he did wish me Happy Valentine’s Day and we texted for like two hours. That was fun.
I get attention from both of them that is very stop and go. Neither is a constant. Neither of them is an actual part of my life. And the truth is, even if i had the attention from loads of men, if it’s not from the man I really want, what does it matter?
Well fuck them all. The man I want. The men I don’t. At the end of the day, the fact remains that I’m as spinster as they come. Well… did I tell you that this spinster is going to Paris?! More to come.