Blocking Big

fullsizerender

Last night I blocked Mr Big. I had enough. I don’t like who I am when I’m with him, and I don’t like how he makes me feel. The guy just thinks he is, as they say in England, “the dog’s bullocks,” when in fact, he’s just a dick. 

Different guy, but the story is the same. He basically went through a lot of trouble to get my attention so that he could ignore me and make me feel like I had no worth. I’ve been through this many times now. It’s painful, and I’m so sick of it. It’s obviously a pattern in my relationships with men. I’m not exactly sure why I attract this behavior. What do you think? Can you see what am I doing wrong? How do I break the cycle?

As I write this I am so upset. I’ve been sitting on the floor crying… more out of frustration than anything else. I didn’t love Mr. Big. Hell, I’m don’t think I even liked him. I was more interested in the idea of him and the possibilities he could bring into my life. All these guys I meet, it’s the same story. They come on strong at first, and as my feelings develop I see that their hearts are closed doors. They don’t want love. They want a chase, they want to be admired and flattered, but they don’t want anything beyond that. I hate the cynicism that I feel growing. I hate bearing the constant brunt of rejection. I hate how angry I feel at this moment. I’m also so fucking scared. I’m scared that this is all there is. I’m terrified that this is just how my life is going to be. Yes, being single has some great benefits. But let me be real: I am lonely, and feeling lonely is not fun. I know that’s a very unpopular thing to admit, but I don’t blog so I can post a bunch of fake shit for you guys to read. I blog because I need to give voice to my truth. The truth is that I am not alone because it’s my choice, and I love my freedom (though I do try to make the best of it). I’m alone because despite all my efforts, I can’t find a partner. I absolutely can not come to terms with it. I can’t understand or accept it. I know that I deserve more. I have no idea how it’s going to come, but I just have to believe that God is going to do right by me. I was an awesome wife and a good girlfriend … but I’m always left behind, to the point where I now have terrible abandonment issues.

I’m not angry at Mr Big. I knew what I was dealing with. He is who he is. I also know that ending contact with him was the right thing to do. I don’t feel bad about that. I am actually pleased with myself for ending things with a man who put me in a position where I felt that I had to chase him for affection. I have too much to offer than to beg for crumbs. I took a chance, and it failed. Big deal. I actually love that despite all my downfalls, I keep trying. I’m just so frustrated. This too shall pass I guess. I heard a great quote, “nothing in nature blooms all year.” Meaning there is a season for everything. This one is just not mine. I just have to nurture myself and wait for the flowers to come back. I have to have to faith that my blooms will return.

7 Comments

  1. I wish I had some really great advice for you but I don’t. Looking back on all my relationships I picked disaster after disaster. Maybe the best plan is to learn to be happy with yourself, to know who you are and what your deal breakers are. I think that’s where I went wrong.

    I’m cheering you on from the Midwest. You haven’t given up on love so I choose to believe it hasn’t given up on you.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Why is it so taboo to admit loneliness? And it totally is. I know because people keep writing about it, it’s spoken about in fervoured tones as if people are making some grand and startling admission (I’m not talking about you here, I’m talking about mainstream media) but of course we’re all lonely! How can we not be when the world is full of pictures and statuses of all the wonderful times everyone is having – everyone except you, me and every other person I know. Social media is responsible for a whole generation of people going ‘fucking hell my life looks shit.’ And it really isn’t, it’s just the same as your mothers, your aunties, all the women who went before, but we as so much more aware now of what we’re missing out on.
    Yet, I feel your loneliness is more heartfelt, because you’re looking for a love. I meant to comment on your other posts about mr.big, but I didn’t because I was interested to see what would happen. Mr.big is another version of birdy. Mean girls in high school, you feel resplendent when their light is shone upon you, and then worth nothing when you have to chase that bit of light. You must keep remembering, this isn’t you, it’s them, buuuut it is worth asking why you keep banging your head against the same wall……I suspect you are ready, you have the will, the want, the arsenal of affection ready to go, that makes you open to the possibility, these men dangle the possibility of a relationship, then snatch it away, then they dangle and snatch, dangle and snatch. until you must be so frazzled that any little crumb from their table is welcome relief.
    I dunno what to suggest, that was a whole load of waffle with no valuable offering. Perhaps in future it would be worth setting out some ground rules, for yourself and then eventually the person you’re with. It is alright to say, this is what I want, if you have it – stay…..if not, off you fuck.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. You are so right about so many things. I wish u lived near me ❤ I do have to be more direct in what I want, and be more willing to walk away when I don’t get it. That was easy to do with Mr Big because my heart was never there. I didn’t feel like I lost anything when I ended contact – unlike with Birdy.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Oh man if we lived near each other there wouldn’t be enough burgers or cocktails in Florida 😂
        Some people just get under our skin, people (men) like birdy stay with us, and the influence of the relationship often extends beyond the time of the relationship lasted. I don’t know why that is, I’ve always been the same way . I find it difficult to let go, even when all the signs point to it being a train wreck, or worse still, a waste of time.
        Even though mr.big sounds like a asshole, he is a step in the right direction …… away from him, at least you recognised what it was, who he was and what your worth in that situation was.
        Your guy is out there, I know that he is. And you’ll know, because you’ll never doubt or wonder, or be constantly checking phone/email because you won’t have to. You’ll get what you give….joy, beauty, intelligence, affection. 😘

        Liked by 1 person

  3. I don’t know you personally or well enough to offer any insights into your particular situation. However, I can tell you about my journey and perhaps it may help you. If not — just disregard.

    When my husband left after 26 years of marriage, I immediately felt an extraordinary urge to be dating. It was almost an obsession. I wanted to know that SOMEONE would want me, would find me sexy, would treat me kindly, would love me — when he did not. I wanted the validation that I was, in fact, worthy of love.

    When I was with my husband, everything was about him and the family. I didn’t have many solo interests and, those that I did have, I tended to suppress because my husband didn’t like them (for instance, he would get upset if I read a book, because I was not focusing on him). I didn’t have any friends to speak of. So, when we split, I immediately knew I needed support. I started cultivating friendships, attending Meetup events to meet new people (it was terrifying), and I now have people who I value and can call and spend time with and they do the same with me.

    I think the whole frantic dating thing happened for two reasons: 1) My self-esteem was in the toilet — and had been for years and years (maybe my whole life). I was willing to date assholes because someone showing me some attention was better than no one noticing me. And 2) Because I didn’t have any support or real friends to spend time with and confide in. I was incredibly lonely and depressed and those emotions weren’t being processed well because I had no outlet for them.

    In the past several years, I’ve turned into a different person. I routinely get together with friends once or twice a week. I engage in group events, like hiking, with my Meetup groups. I’ve worked on my own issues with the need to feel loved or validated from outside sources and I can truly say I’m happy to be living alone and taking myself on “dates” (I often go to the movies or on road trips alone). I decided that I needed to come to terms with the fact that I may never have another relationship or re-marry and I needed to find a way to be happy on my own — and it’s working. Of course, I hope that someday I might find love again — but I’m not going to make that my focus or end goal. If it happens, it happens — and hopefully with the work I’m doing on myself, I’ll be in a better position to be in a successful relationship. I still date occasionally (usually through online sites), but the more I focus and work on my own issues, and the more I’m happier and accepting of myself, the easier it is to determine right away if a guy or potential friend is an asshole or not. I won’t put up with that kind of behavior anymore — not from anyone — so I rarely go on a second date with someone who made me feel “less than” or uncomfortable on a first date. Similarly, if an acquaintance is that way, I never pursue a friendship with that individual.

    I have a quote on a whiteboard in my office that I read every single day – I’m sorry I can’t remember who it’s by (I want to say Brene Brown, but I might be wrong):

    “You deserve to be in spaces and relationships that make you happy; that feed your soul and help you grow. You are worthy of connections that are loving, nourishing, and genuine. Before you settle for anything less than, remind yourself that the places you visit and the people you journey with through life should make you feel safe, loved, and enough.”

    Liked by 3 people

    1. I see so much of myself in what you wrote. Our backgrounds are very similar. I know I have to get to that same headspace that you have reached: that I may just end up alone, and that is ok — but I’m not there yet. It doesn’t feel okay. I guess that’s because I have a lot of work to do on myself. You see there is a difference with being alone (which I actually like) and feeling lonely. I know it’s all in the mind and how I perceive my reality.

      Big is an asshole. I knew that. I went out with him anyway. I guess that’s because I wanted to feel okay after Birdy. I doubt it was his intention, but Birdy made me feel like I just wasn’t good enough for him when he ended things, and so I enjoyed a small ego boost when a very powerful and successful man was so desperate to go out with me. The tables turned quickly though, and I soon realized Big was a very poor choice. We do dumb things when we feel vulnerable. I need to work on my own inner strength, that’s pretty obvious.

      Those meetup things… I got to try that. I’ve always meant to.

      ❤❤❤

      Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s