Last night I blocked Mr Big. I had enough. I don’t like who I am when I’m with him, and I don’t like how he makes me feel. The guy just thinks he is, as they say in England, “the dog’s bullocks,” when in fact, he’s just a dick.
Different guy, but the story is the same. He basically went through a lot of trouble to get my attention so that he could ignore me and make me feel like I had no worth. I’ve been through this many times now. It’s painful, and I’m so sick of it. It’s obviously a pattern in my relationships with men. I’m not exactly sure why I attract this behavior. What do you think? Can you see what am I doing wrong? How do I break the cycle?
As I write this I am so upset. I’ve been sitting on the floor crying… more out of frustration than anything else. I didn’t love Mr. Big. Hell, I’m don’t think I even liked him. I was more interested in the idea of him and the possibilities he could bring into my life. All these guys I meet, it’s the same story. They come on strong at first, and as my feelings develop I see that their hearts are closed doors. They don’t want love. They want a chase, they want to be admired and flattered, but they don’t want anything beyond that. I hate the cynicism that I feel growing. I hate bearing the constant brunt of rejection. I hate how angry I feel at this moment. I’m also so fucking scared. I’m scared that this is all there is. I’m terrified that this is just how my life is going to be. Yes, being single has some great benefits. But let me be real: I am lonely, and feeling lonely is not fun. I know that’s a very unpopular thing to admit, but I don’t blog so I can post a bunch of fake shit for you guys to read. I blog because I need to give voice to my truth. The truth is that I am not alone because it’s my choice, and I love my freedom (though I do try to make the best of it). I’m alone because despite all my efforts, I can’t find a partner. I absolutely can not come to terms with it. I can’t understand or accept it. I know that I deserve more. I have no idea how it’s going to come, but I just have to believe that God is going to do right by me. I was an awesome wife and a good girlfriend … but I’m always left behind, to the point where I now have terrible abandonment issues.
I’m not angry at Mr Big. I knew what I was dealing with. He is who he is. I also know that ending contact with him was the right thing to do. I don’t feel bad about that. I am actually pleased with myself for ending things with a man who put me in a position where I felt that I had to chase him for affection. I have too much to offer than to beg for crumbs. I took a chance, and it failed. Big deal. I actually love that despite all my downfalls, I keep trying. I’m just so frustrated. This too shall pass I guess. I heard a great quote, “nothing in nature blooms all year.” Meaning there is a season for everything. This one is just not mine. I just have to nurture myself and wait for the flowers to come back. I have to have to faith that my blooms will return.