My Secret Confession

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Ah the existential angst I create…

I have a confession to make. Part of the reason I haven’t written in so long is because I didn’t want to admit that I am seeing Birdy again. His treatment of me in the past, or I should say his lack of treatment, left much to be desired. I was very hurt by the way he broke up with me. I adored him. Truly and absolutely. I developed a love for him that was not dependent on romantic declarations or constant contact, it just WAS … until the day he broke up with me. Actually I still adored him, but I just gave up. I felt that I had lost my dignity in his eyes. If a man can’t give you dignity, then love and respect are surely out of the question. I let go.I did not attempt to make any contact with him, and I did not waver on that. So unlike me really. I always wear my heart on my sleeve, but this time I felt too exposed, I felt shame. I kept to myself as an act of self preservation.

Two months later he got in touch with me. Things did not go back to where they left off exactly. I didn’t become some kind of emotional  powerhouse and Birdy did not offer any declarations of undying love, but nor do I think I was a doormat. There are improvements. Birdy refers to me as his girlfriend now, not his friend. That feels good. And for the first time this week, after I told him I loved him, he actually said “I love you too.” It felt amazing. Maybe he was tired and delirious LOL.

Last Sunday Birdy’s brother committed suicide. I won’t get into the nitty gritty. It’s not my place. Needless to say, his family is inconsolable. Birdy wanted me by his side during what was probably one of the biggest trials of his life. I got to see another side of him. I saw a combination of strength, vulnerability, and immeasurable kindness — and my love for him grew deeper. Friends and family kept coming in and out of his parents’ home, and each time I was introduced I felt the most incredible sense of pride to be introduced as Birdy’s  girlfriend.

Want to hear something wired? Amongst all the faces, I even met one of his ex girlfriends. She came to pay her respects to his family. It was a potentially very awkward situation. The idea of it made me very insecure. Funny enough, she was awesome. We chatted and got along super well. She is the type of girl I would love to have as my own friend. In a situation where I initially felt kind of threatened, I stepped up. I was myself, I was genuine, and I was really proud of myself for not letting my insecurities take over. Test passed.

So why, I wonder, am I suffering from raging self doubt and vulnerability? I have this gnawing feeling in the pit of my stomach, this feeling that I’m not good enough, and that feeling is growing. The truth is I don’t feel pretty enough, thin enough, smart enough, worthy enough. I know he had a lot of girlfriends in the past… and why not? He is single, handsome, successful, smart (I could go on forever). But the point is that there is a little voice inside my head that tells me that I could never compete with the type of women I imagine he has gone out with. In my head I imagine gorgeous young super model type creatures. I am not that. I am fairly pretty, but I’m considered kind of mousy and shy by most people who meet me. In my heart I know I’m a diamond, but for some reason, I don’t shine as bright as cubic zirconia. Does he see me for the woman I am? Or does he see the mouse

I know it takes a king to recognize a queen. I know if he can’t see the light inside me, that it is him who isn’t worthy. I know I am purposely agitating myself for no reason. I know that I am tired and frustrated, and actually kind of angry. Why angry? I’m angry that people don’t see me for who I really am, and angry that I feel overlooked and underestimated. If there is one time and one person who I want to recognize me, the time is now, and the man is Birdy.

I should be deliriously happy, he said the magic words. So why do I feel like I won minor battle in a much larger war? 

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27 Comments

  1. Oh dearheart.
    It is mostly (but not always) women who do this. We really, really need to be as kind to ourselves as we are to others. (and no, I fail on this front too).
    One step at a time. Sometimes forward, sometimes marking time, sometimes back. Good luck in this journey.
    And a part of me thinks you SHOULD become friends with his ex. Friends are necessary.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Caroline my dear, you sell yourself short. You are hugely interesting and interested, you are smart and delightful. I imagine you as a unique beauty. Birds sees all this. Relax and enjoy the moment my dear. Relax and be you charming self.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I know where you are exactly. There’s a voice in your head that says you’re the same you he let go of before – why should he see your worth this time? No matter that he was a dope to ever let go to begin with.
    Unfortunately, there’s not a lot to be done about that little shit weasel of a voice. Time and experience can show you that it’s a liar, but you can’t reason your way out of it. I hope Birdy realizes this time how lovely you are, so you can quiet the voice as quickly a as possible.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Enjoy happiness where you find it. No shame in that. I pray everything works out with Birdy the way you want it to. In the meantime, woman, stop comparing your insides to others’ outsides!! You are well-spoken and polished here, why wouldn’t you be in person?!

    My condolences to you, Birdy and his family.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Hey there gorgeous! I read this earlier and wanted to send a supportive message, but couldn’t quite work out how to word it properly. I guess my feelings about this are that I want you to be happy. But I also want to ensure you are emotionally safe. And valued. If you have gut feelings that this is not ALWAYS the case, listen to that. Please know you are, in the very original L’Oreal advertising’s words, worth it. You are clever, funny and I am sure you are attractive – not that the outside is very important. You are gorgeous inside. Stunning. Looks fade. Character is permanent.

    I am so very sorry for Birdy’s family’s awful grief. And I wish only good things for you xxx

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you my love, I know I still have a lot of growing up to do. I’ve never been the most confident person, and I know one of my problems is that I want to be loved so badly that I will do whatever it takes, even at my own expense. I’m pretty sure these feelings are of my own making, and constant feelings of rejection by the men I loved. Oh how I want to just feel at ease with a man and just “know” I’m safe. I almost forgot what it feels like.

      The funeral is today, it has been a long week. We are all tired physically and emotionally, but my hope is once this day is over, Birdy’s family will be able to find their new normal ❤️❤️❤️

      Like

  6. I’m so sorry about Birdy’s brother. Good luck with the funeral. He’s lucky to have you by his side.
    Sounds like it’s a nicer relationship this time around. Don’t weigh yourself down with the negative thoughts. But pay attention to what doesn’t feel right. Your gut instinct doesn’t fail you. It just gets hard to hear when insecurities are also screaming at you. He is attracted to funny, smart, confident Caroline. That kickass warrior we know. Don’t let her be shadowed with self doubt.
    I love that you got on with his ex so well. But in the past she must stay…😘
    Miss ya xo

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Caroline, you are amazing. Don’t ever doubt that.

    Having said that, I totally get it. I’m overcome with doubts and fears myself.

    You go be your awesome self. I hope Birdy appreciates it. And if he doesn’t then cut him loose! You deserve to be adored.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. **this feeling that I’m not good enough, and that feeling is growing. The truth is I don’t feel pretty enough, thin enough, smart enough, worthy enough.**

    Why do females do this? Including me.

    When will we realize that we are GOOD enough
    just. as. we. are.

    Now, STOP it, Caroline! x

    Like

  9. Sorry for not commenting sooner, Ms. C. I have been away and not on WP until today. I am so sorry to hear about Birdy’s brother. So very sad. I hope one of these days you will shed the desire to close in on yourself when you feel like you have made a mistake or you don’t know what to do. We (your friends) love and accept you for you. No regrets, lady. Live life to the fullest in the best way you know how. Enjoy each and every day and don’t worry so much about where things are headed. Relationships are full of ups and downs, they don’t just have a starting point and go upwards until you explode with happiness. Especially not romantic relationships. Partnering is difficult and full of compromise. If Birdy makes you happy today, don’t think about yesterday or tomorrow. Much love to you! ❤ ❤ ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. The funeral was Saturday and life is returning to normal. Thank you for the kind words. I know one theme in my life is learning to let go. I can’t be in control of the outcomes. If it is meant to be it’s meant to be. It’s just that my heart is tired. I want to feel safe with someone. I don’t have that with Birdy, but I’d like it to be the case one day. I think nothing would make me happier.
      ❤️❤️❤️

      Liked by 1 person

  10. I was going to say exactly the same thing as Kat! It’s easier said than done, but enjoying life in bite sized chunks might be easier than worrying about the bigger picture. I think you’re very courageous to give it another go with birdy, it takes a generous soul to allow someone who has caused us hurt back into our lives – good for you for giving it another go. If he is your lobster, at some point in the future this will be a distant memory and your happiness will be all you think about.
    I’m sorry about his brother, I hope you’re both ok 😘

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hmmm … my lobstah? I like the thought of that 😜. Yes, I think we are ok, just a little worn out. I only met his brother once so I’m not so emotionally invested, but somehow it had managed to take its toll. I feel like I could sleep for a couple of days. Instead I have a massive headache … time heals (everything). 💋

      Like

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