Fuuuuuuuck

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I think Birdy is gone. We had a fight. You see sometimes I get in a bad mood when I don’t hear from Birdy in a while. I feel excluded, and like I don’t matter much to him. It hurts me deeply at times.  A girlfriend told me that I should confront him, that these are things that really need to be addressed. I knew the timing was bad. Birdy is still grieving the loss of his brother. I decided to do it anyway. It did not go well. In fact, I think it’s over (again). I am devastated. Fuck!!! I am just so inherently unloveable. My husband didn’t love me (he told me so). Napoleon abandoned me and is just some stranger that I used to know, and now Birdy. All of them accused me of the same thing: being needy. I am so hurt. I’m also angry and ashamed. Maybe I need to stop reaching out to people. Maybe I should just stop trying. 

I don’t feel very hopeful anymore. I used to hope against hope that love was out there for me. I  thought I was a good person, and that the Universe would reward me with love. I used to quote to myself from the Alchemist:

“And, when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.”
Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist

But I don’t feel like the Universe is conspiring in my favor right now. I’ve had my chances, and I’ve failed royally. Every. Single. Time.

I have nothing to offer anymore. I’m not young,  beautiful, rich, or smart. I don’t even have a car. I’m a fucking looser … and I’m needy to boot.

I don’t even want to exist anymore. What for?

26 Comments

  1. Hang in there, caroline. I, too, have just had a very difficult period. (Still am in it.) The self talk has to be redirected. Change the narrative somehow. Don’t ask me how, but it must be done. To quiet the chattering monkeys who are pummelling you right now. Do you meditate? (I am shit at it! But try.)

    I know you feel unlovable. But is that real? Just because romantic love is eluding you now, you know that there are people who love you. Family, friends, us. We want you here with us xxx.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. I know. I got close to that precipice twice in the last 10 days. It’s been years since I had my toes over the edge. I have a rule. I HAVE to tell one person. It has pulled me back from the ledge several times now.

        I am also pathetic and useless at meditation! But keep trying to find that peace. Please! Don’t let the bastards win! 😚😚😚

        Like

  2. Reading this I ache in sympathy. And shared pain.
    I have just snarled at my partner of over thrity years and told him to give some serious thought to whether he should move out – because I feel totally undervalued. He rolled his eyes at me which made me scream in inarticulate rage. And grief. And without doubt he considers me needy.
    And yes. I am. I need to be valued. I need to be told I am valued. I need to feel valued.
    Hugs. Hang in. Please.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I will never understand why needing to feel valued makes us needy and somehow bad. Isn’t it just human? Humans are social creatures. It’s this alienation and being made to feel alone…. that’s what’s bad.

      Like

  3. You stop that right now Caroline!!’ You are upsetting me!!!

    You are not unloveable. The universe doesn’t make anything happen for anyone!! It’s a universe with infinite space and stupid planets and suns and shit!!! The universe has nothing against you.

    If Birdy couldn’t give you what you need you don’t want him. You ARE enough. You aren’t a loser. You’re a unique gifted woman.

    Go buy a fucking car. There’s millions of them. Go buy a car and stop that stinking thinking!!

    Liked by 2 people

  4. I really feel this is him, not you, Caroline. Just like Elephant’s Child says, we all want to be needed, we need to be valued and loved…this is human nature. You should not be punished for expressing your feelings and needs. Stay strong, lady. The Universe is conspiring for you. It does not feel like it right now, but it is. BELIEVE.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Three men have made the woman in their life feel unwanted?

    Only three?! There are millions or billions of those. They are not the guys for you. You have higher standards, Dear Caroline!

    How can you be needy? I read Kat’s description of your excursions in Paris. When she needed to sleep in and chill, you went off to find what you needed without issue. In that case, however, she made them known to you… “I won’t be joining you because… but later, we’ll…”

    That’s mutual respect. Anyone leaving you hanging doesn’t have respect for you… and those are not the people you need in your life.

    You are not looking for a *better* person than a few shitty exes’ you’re hopeful for a GOOD, KIND person. The RIGHT man for you.

    There is nothing you did to have caused these men to ignore and disrespect you… that is ENTIRELY on them. That is in each of these men’s character.

    Liked by 4 people

  6. Oh, my friend. This is so very sad. Caroline… I think it’s the men you’ve chosen. If you really think about it, you haven’t dated much. If you were to compare this to a 25 year old girl that’s had three boyfriends her whole life that were shitheads, you’d laugh at her and tell her not to base her self worth on those dipshits.
    You are all the things everyone here has said. You are beautiful and fun and smart, etc. But you suffer from low self esteem. So you pick complicated men. (It’s more complex than that of course.) But they aren’t the right fit for you. You need someone as sensitive and tender as you but that can handle treating you the way you deserve.

    I don’t think Birdy deserves you. Anyone you have to convince to love you is not for you. Anyone that makes you feel like you have to walk on eggshells is not for you. Tack on the horrible tragedy in his life… he’s just not going to make you happy or, even worse, you’ll always feel inadequate with him. Maybe later this could work, but not now.

    My dear friend, you have a good bit of healing left. I think analyzing what is meant by “needy” might be helpful. I think it’s code for insecure. And men will start to shrink away from that after time. You cannot base your self worth on these men. Your heart must be confident that you deserve better. It’s not the princess fantasy. The man who understands your fragility but upholds the lioness in you. He just hasn’t found you yet. He will find you when you are ready for a partner, not a lifeline. He will complement you, not eclipse you. He will be the moon to your Earth.

    Please don’t take any of this harshly. I think you are wonderful and deserve an equally wonderful man. Your friends here refuse to let these a-holes destroy you. Lots of love and hugs your way. xo

    Liked by 4 people

  7. This post makes me very sad, C. I was beginning to wonder about you and almost texted you this afternoon. I figured you were really busy. I’ll send you an email, but in the meantime, YOU KNOW, men don’t define YOU. No man defines you. No man should have the power to take away your happiness for any length of time. Birdy takes you for granted and that is all on him. I realize he is grieving, but he has always been this way and now his grieving potentially makes him more needy and less available. He wants your company when he wants it and you keep quiet so as not to scare him away. When you do speak your mind, he is gone. That is not the kind of relationship you need. I know you want a man who cares about your needs. You deserve a man who treats you like a queen, who loves you for who you are. And if that is what you want, you will have to keep working at it. In the meantime, we all must be happy with ourselves, by ourselves, in order to attract a like-minded person. You are a beautiful, interesting woman who likes to go do stuff… chase down street art (makes me smile just thinking about you and your street art hobby), eat hamburgers, go on motorcycle rides, read books, travel, eat great food, walk, look at amazing art, have a brie & baguette picnic, crash a gay pride celebration… don’t underestimate your own attractiveness. Perhaps you are seeking the wrong kind of guy, dare I say it, on purpose? Are you scared of being truly loved… all the way inside you? I know you feel like you’ve done therapy, but maybe it is time for a little touch up, or some kind of a self esteem building class that makes you feel really good about yourself. We all need help sometimes.

    We only have this one life and there are so many treasures out there yet for us to discover, all of us. We don’t need a partner to make us whole. We need to be whole in order to truly enjoy being in a partnership. Also, you say you are not young? As a 70 year old whether they think you are young? Heck, ask me, a 54 year old. You are young! And you are beautiful, and smart. And being rich is all relative. There will always be someone financially richer, and definitely poorer than you. Money does not buy happiness and it doesn’t buy love either. And the car thing, yeah, what is that about silly girl? You could buy a car tomorrow. I know you are sad, and I definitely do NOT like the photo of the dead butterfly. That makes me sad too.

    You are loved! ❤

    Liked by 3 people

  8. Caroline, I’m sorry you’re feeling so bad. You ARE loveable. If a single fight sends him running then he’s not worthy of you. Don’t confuse dating jerks (or potential jerks) with you being the problem.

    Liked by 2 people

  9. Enough of this. Sorry to be tough but, my goodness, enough.

    You are loveable and you are loved; you need to stop looking for that externally and find it within yourself. How can you expect love from others if you don’t love yourself? Love has nothing to do with youth, wealth or intelligence, Caroline. You know this. Reframe your thinking: rather than what you don’t have (mostly what society tells you is relevant- newsflash, it’s not), focus on what you have: an abundant supply of kindness, curiosity and love. I’d take those attributes over material wealth any day.

    Nobody can make you feel bad about yourself without your permission. You have been through more than most, and you’re still here. You’re a strong person, don’t let this destroy you.

    Take a nap, cry, work out, brew some tea and/or read a book; do what you need to do to get through this moment. But, remember, you matter. Take care of yourself.

    Liked by 2 people

  10. Duuuude what the fuck?!
    Look at all these amazing women, coming to stand by your side, to say we love you, to show you that when you cannot be strong we will be.

    I understand why you feel the way you do, I understand why when you don’t ask for much it seems too much for someone else to give why that would make you feel worthless. But you know what – and deep in you, you do know this otherwise you wouldn’t have asked – you’re NOT worthless…..being a strong woman is hard.
    You don’t think yourself as being strong, but I know it, these other women all know it, you’re like fucking iron. You just have to believe it of yourself, you have to know your strength well enough to know – I asked for what I wanted, needed, that was all.
    That was all you did, you asked he wasn’t able to give. But you asked, how many women do not ask. You just need to believe in that inner voice that tells you every single time, it is ok to expect from other people and to ask things of them. And to walk away when you don’t get it.

    That doesn’t make you anything less than alpha fucking female, even if you cry and find yourself bereft at doing so.

    You are love, and you are loved. ❤️💛💚💙💜

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thank you my lovely, after a good painful cry I am feeling like I’m going to be okay. I got this, it just hurt … a lot. I keep thinking he was the one, but I’ve been wrong before. Thank you for your support, you ladies mean so much to me… proof that the Universe actually does have my back, even if I got a bit bruised. ♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️😘

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Being bruised is fine, it’s just shows how much love we’re capable of, how we can lay ourselves open to others even with the knowledge you might get hurt.
        You need to drink from your cup the other way up my friend, none of that makes you weak or less than, actually it makes you extremely lucky. And one day it will make somebody else extremely lucky.
        Chin up kidda!
        😘

        Liked by 1 person

  11. I just read this and thought how utterly well timed –
    ‘If he’s not calling you, it’s because you are not on his mind. If he creates expectations for you, and then doesn’t follow through on little things, he will do same for big things. Be aware of this and realize that he’s okay with disappointing you. Don’t be with someone who doesn’t do what they say they’re going to do. If he’s choosing not to make a simple effort that would put you at ease and bring harmony to a recurring fight, then he doesn’t respect your feelings and needs. “Busy” is another word for “asshole.” “Asshole” is another word for the guy you’re dating. You deserve a fcking phone call.’
    Greg Behrendt

    Liked by 4 people

    1. Yeah I know… problem is I love him. That doesn’t mean I can’t release him and move on, but the truth is I just don’t want to. I wish he would just be open to compromise and consider me a bit more. If he can’t though, I don’t really want to be someone’s doormat. I know I deserve better.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Of course you don’t want to. There is a large part of him that satisfies you and vice versa, problem is there are simple lines in the sand – unseen by mostly everyone, and as you get to know someone you reveal it to them, don’t cheat, that’s a line in the sand, call me, that’s a line in the sand, be respectful, line in the sand……..and it’s fixed like stone. I’m quite sure if there was something you were doing that birdy didn’t like and he asked you to stop – you would do your best to rectify that behaviour. It’s simple respect.

        Liked by 1 person

  12. So…. since I last wrote Birdy and I made contact. Maybe you and my readers will think bad of me for wanting him the way I do, despite everything. I’m going to see him Friday for the first time since this happened. I don’t know what to expect.
    I do plan to make some serious changes in my life. I am going to start creating a life of my own. I don’t want to be the girl who sits around and waits for a text. I signed up for some yoga classes and I’m going to finally take the plunge and buy a car.
    I know some people will be pretty disappointed in me. I have a lot of time and love invested in Birdy, and if it is at all possible, I’d like to make things work.

    Liked by 1 person

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