I think Birdy is gone. We had a fight. You see sometimes I get in a bad mood when I don’t hear from Birdy in a while. I feel excluded, and like I don’t matter much to him. It hurts me deeply at times. A girlfriend told me that I should confront him, that these are things that really need to be addressed. I knew the timing was bad. Birdy is still grieving the loss of his brother. I decided to do it anyway. It did not go well. In fact, I think it’s over (again). I am devastated. Fuck!!! I am just so inherently unloveable. My husband didn’t love me (he told me so). Napoleon abandoned me and is just some stranger that I used to know, and now Birdy. All of them accused me of the same thing: being needy. I am so hurt. I’m also angry and ashamed. Maybe I need to stop reaching out to people. Maybe I should just stop trying.
I don’t feel very hopeful anymore. I used to hope against hope that love was out there for me. I thought I was a good person, and that the Universe would reward me with love. I used to quote to myself from the Alchemist:
“And, when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.”
― Paulo Coelho,
But I don’t feel like the Universe is conspiring in my favor right now. I’ve had my chances, and I’ve failed royally. Every. Single. Time.
I have nothing to offer anymore. I’m not young, beautiful, rich, or smart. I don’t even have a car. I’m a fucking looser … and I’m needy to boot.
I don’t even want to exist anymore. What for?