Time for a Time Out

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Thank you to all my readers who left me such beautiful comments. You guys remind me that I am not without my blessings. Nobody has sweeter, more well intentioned readers than I do. Some of your words offered me comfort, some offered inspiration, and some were the kick in the ass I probably needed, telling me to stop feeling sorry for myself and move on (nobody’s exact words– I’m just paraphrasing).

The night things ended, I just hurt so much. My face was very swollen and pained from all the crying I did. In the morning I felt a lot better (though still sad), and with that relief came some clarity: the door to Birdy’s heart is a closed one. It’s no shocking revelation dollies. I am not completely clueless. I guess I was hoping that could change. I was hoping he would see how amazing I am and decide to let me in. Well, I guess that was pretty dumb. I have no excuses to make, so I won’t even attempt it. It is what it is.

I don’t want to wallow in my suffering. Life is short, and quite frankly, I’m fucking tired of the hurt. Just once, I want the feeling of being loved just as much as I love. I want to feel safe with someone and valued. I hate what I feel now, that familiar feeling of abandonment, and knowing that I just wasn’t good enough to stick around for. I’m tired of crying. I’m tired of that sickly mix of anxiety and wanting that makes me want to vomit. 

I remember how I felt when I did my “Birthday Challenge” a while back. I think it helped me tremendously.  I dropped out of the romance race for a while. During that time I did my best to feed myself with good thoughts and a bit of self love (some days were more successful than others, as I’m sure will be the case this time around too). I’m going to do that again. It was a very productive time. With the encouragement of someone I love very dearly, I came up with another challenge, similar to the old one, but this one will be more lengthy. During that time, I will not make any attempt to talk to any guys. No Birdy, no dating websites. I am just going to try to focus on feeling good and accomplishing a few personal goals. Should Birdy contact me during that time… I don’t know. I’ll cross that bridge if I get there. 

In the past I have used men to medicate myself so that I don’t have to sit in my loneliness and feel my feelings (not sex, but the euphoria of feeling cared for — or dare I say “loved” — I always found the attention of someone I admired to be positively exhilarating). I spent most of my life suffering from this feeling that I am always on the outside looking in. I have this desperate desire to feel like I’m part of something bigger than myself. For a brief moment surrounded by Birdy and his incredibly wonderful family, I felt part of something, and it was positively delicious. My heart felt so satisfied…. and now it’s gone. Well I guess it’s time to make friends with the emptiness that lives inside of me. I’ve been living with her for a very long time, might as well shake hands and get to know each other. We are so intimate, yet I am always trying to hide her from my own consciousness. I know there is a great lesson to be learned here … but ugh, I’m not sure I’m looking forward to the process.

I end this post with something I heard Gabrielle Bernstein say on YouTube. She advised that when you are overcome with fear and anxiety of the unknown to say this little prayer:

“I choose to see hope in this, and I’m open to creative possibilities.”

I’m going to do just that (because I don’t know what else to do).

9 Comments

  1. Good girl, caroline. A good cry isn’t a bad thing. But making a plan to grow and thrive, and following it through … that is really healthy. We’re here for you. And you are far stronger than you know xxx.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh Caroline I am so happy to read this. You may feel list but I think your good friend is giving you great advice and a great challenge.

    Lol. I know im one of those kick you in the ass friends. Yep I’m kinda that tough love friend. Glad you took my comment in the spirit it was given

    You know after the shit show I’ve been thru for the last 6 years I’m sure, were I to find myself single, I would EVER ever look for love or companionship. I would live a life of solitude. I would travel with a girlfriend or grandchild or even alone. I’ve truly learned to depend on no one. Trust no one.

    I feel bad that you are so driven to find love and being part of something. I hear you when you talk about being in the outside looking in. But I actually feel safer being that way.

    I wish you luck on your new challenge. And I hope you go out and buy that damn car!!!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Funny you mention the car thing, today I decided that that issue HAS to finally be addressed. I decided that in September I’m finally going to take that step. I’ll have been at my job for a year at that point. I have to get past this fear I placed on owning a car… it’s so rediculous.
      ♥️♥️♥️

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Bravo, amiga… you’re stepping out of the dark side and taking a journey towards the light. You’ll do it and we’ll support you. Write regularly here so we know how you’re doing. Love, your fan club 😉

    Liked by 1 person

  4. —–Caroline,
    People will leave, die, desert us, disappoint us, make us second guess ourselves…
    but God never will.
    N E V E R.
    I believe in the power of prayer.
    without it, well, I probably wouldn’t be here.
    Love and support from MN.
    xx

    Liked by 1 person

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