Ode to Murray’s

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So there is this place in New York, Murray’s. It’s a bagel place. I’ve talked about it on here before. I know it sounds crazy, but it is my favorite place in the New York City. It’s not just for the bagels, though I can honestly say their smoked fish bagels are the best in the universe. No, it’s not simply the food, it’s something else.

Something comes over me when I’m sitting there, it’s almost like a tsunami of nostalgia. There is something about the place reminds me of my childhood, even though I never ate such decadently stuffed bagels in my youth (I remember my mom and dad saying, “just cut the salmon into little pieces, it’s expensive.”) What can I tell you my lovelies? I had a very Jewish upbringing LOL.

Then there’s the 70s and 80s music they play in the background. It’s the same stuff I remember my dad listening to when I was a little girl. My dad used to love playing music for us. He used to sing along, and me and my sister would run around the living room. That was our version of dancing. Right now as I sit they are playing “California Dreaming” by the Mammas and the Papas. It’s pouring outside, I daren’t move from the comfort of Murray’s, so I settle in. My belly has a big fat bagel in it — positively lush at that. I feel safe, satisfied, and completely at peace.

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There are also my own memories that I associate with Murray’s (right now they are playing Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believing’”). I remember sitting here with my ex husband, eating bagels together. I was so happy, on top of the world. We came to NYC, our first and only time together, to celebrate our ten year anniversary. I fell in love with New York. I think he did too. Together we had the best time. I had no idea there would only be a couple years left. I remember coming here after we separated. Proof to myself that I would do things by myself and be happy despite how anyone tried to hurt me. I remember coming here last year. I saw my first snow in years. They were playing “In a Big Country.” Later that day I would find out my ex went bankrupt. I remember feeling somehow vindicated by the universe. Right now “Love is a Battlefield” plays in the background. What is it about this place? Who here knows the soundtrack to my life and decided to play it in the most ironic fashion?

Now as I sit waiting for the rain outside to pass, I think of another man. Yeah, you know who I’m talking about: Birdy. I don’t know how to explain to you that when I met him, I felt a sort of resonance within my heart. I knew he was going to be someone very special to me. He has been very dismissive of me in the past. Sometimes he has left me feeling deeply hurt. He was (and is) going through the most difficult challenge in his life, and I must acknowledge that I played a part in our separation. I pushed him when he was already dangling over the edge, and I regret it.

As of a few days ago, the lines of communication have been opened between us. Where this will lead, I have yet to discover. He will be away on a month long cross country journey on his motorcycle. I’m happy for him. He needs time alone, time to think, and time to not think. He hasn’t had it since his brother committed suicide. He took on the role of caregiver to his parents, and tried so desperately to hold his family together. It was too much weight for one person’s shoulders.

I do realize what I’m opening myself up to. Yes, I can be hurt again, but I am willing to take the risk. If there’s one thing I learned, it’s that as painful as heartbreak is, I have a 100% rate of survival. I’m like a cockroach, just a slightly prettier.

Before you know it, I’ll be back in NY again, visiting Murray’s, and there will be another bagel in my belly. And though I don’t know where my head will be, I know that I’ll be okay. The Universe has my back.

OMG!!! Do you know what song is playing right now? “Sweet Caroline.” Synchronicity at its finest my lovelies. I couldn’t make this stuff up.

 

10 Comments

  1. Your resilience fucking rocks…….you and he are teaching each other things, and it may be so you can stay together or it may be that you can go rock someone else’s world – who knows – but your resilience rocks💪🏼

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Only you know what you really want, C, and what you are willing to go through for it. I have learned, mostly through my kids, that having a lot of expectations usually ends in disappointment, but in relationships, having firm boundaries for our own happiness is crucial. It’s difficult and heavy work wearing a shield around our hearts all the time. ❤

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Your memories are beautiful. Your dad. ❤️
    I really felt your moment there when you described feeling on top of the world with your ex in NYC. The future is so unpredictable. And yet there you were again rocking it by yourself. Amazing. Congrats to you. Many milestones have been achieved since you’ve been divorced… ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

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