Sometimes I feel truly alone. Sometimes the shit hits the fan, and I look around and realize that there is nobody there to pick up the pieces but myself. Sometimes I really miss the days when I had a husband around to help me. Dr ManWhore was a great problem solver, despite his many faults. He didn’t like to see me sad, and he would bend over backwards to make my life easier for me when things were rough. Maybe it’s a blessing in disguise, however, that the only help I hear are the crickets chirping in the empty distance, because it forces me to deal with problems myself instead of allowing someone else to fix them for me. It matures me. It puts the power in my own hands. Quite frankly, it also kinda sucks.
Work has been breaking my back in the last two to three weeks, and I haven’t been handling it well— despite my peaceful demeanour. I’m good at appearing calm when I’m anything but. I’ve been doing a lot of binge eating. Aside from my regular meals I also ate 8 donuts today (yep, really). Yesterday my dinner was 2 grilled cheese sandwiches, ice cream, and a coconut macaroon. I guess I’ve been trying to comfort myself through fatty foods, but the result is that my belly hurts from the strain, and I feel disgusting. My neck and back are in knots from stress. Today I locked myself into a bathroom cubicle and just cried. I know I sound like a big baby, maybe I am one, but in my defence, former police officers have quit my job because the stress was too much. Big guys who know what it feels like to be shot at and tazered. But holiday time? It gets worse. I haven’t been handling it well.
I am going to take one of my very precious vacation/sick days tomorrow. I feel like my sanity requires it. If it’s not raining, maybe I’ll take a towel and lie on the beach, listen to the waves, and then visit a tea house. There is one on my radar I have been wanting to try. I feel so lousy my loves. Lousy and alone. Is this what it feels like to be an adult? Can I give it back? All I know is that I need to work really hard about getting myself in a decent headspace. I don’t want to feel this way.
Tonight I will be holding my own hand and settling my own heart, but oh how I long to lie in someone’s lap and hear the words I crave to be whispered by another human being, “it’s going to be okay.” (I should probably add that one to my 2017 holiday gift list, no?).