Other

Right now I just need to write. I need to get my feelings out. I’m suffering from the same old crap that rears it’s ugly head every once in a while, that feeling of deep loneliness and separation that can sometimes send me into a bad place.

I majored in English Literature. One thing you learn in literature is the concept of “other.” The separate, the not quite right. I identify with this idea much more than I care to. I always have. From as far back as my consciousness goes, I knew that I was “other,” I just didn’t have the special word for it. As a little girl, I always knew I was different. I was lucky if I had just one friend to hang out with in the playground. It is still kind of that way. I have a very small social circle (though it is one that I cherish beyond measure with the most beautifully curated individuals — people I am so honoured to have in my life).

As an adult, I came across something called the Myer-Briggs personality test. It turns out my personality is that of an INFJ, the rarest of all the personality types, making up 1-2% of the world’s population. This always made a lot of sense to me. It kind of legitimised what I already knew, and gave my theory a bit of scientific backing.

Well, today I feel more other than I usually do. I was triggered by two things. Thing one: I caught up with someone from my past, someone I thought I’d never hear from again. It was wonderful actually.  I discovered that though they’d been through their share of shit, they came out shining. This person is now a professor, has grown up considerably and seems to have developed greatly as a human being. Cherry on the cake? They are in a loving relationship which they have managed to maintain for 4 years. Thing two: I’m feeling a bit neglected by Birdy, and I am letting it affect me much more than I should.

So the end result is this warped idea in my head that everyone has their happy ending except for me. Sometimes I know how dumb I actually sound, but that doesn’t stop the feelings from taking hold. Such seems the case with my friends in real life and my BlogLand friends.  So many of you have gone through your trials, and you seem to have either resolved your issues or you now have a spanking new Prince Charming on your arm. You have finally found love. While I love Birdy, there are times when our relationship is quite unsatisfying (right now is one of those times). Happily Ever After seems like a cruel joke. While I’m sincerely happy to see those around me find love, I’m sad because I want to feel that I’m on my way too.

Now I know I just feel this way at this moment because I am in a major downer. I haven’t been triggered like this in a very long time, and so it feels particularly awful. The fairytale? That’s all it is, is bullshit. It’s a myth. Nobody’s life is perfect. I know that. Prince Charming is always an asshole every once in a while, even the shiniest of them all. But sometimes doesn’t it just seem that everyone has it figured out except you?

I spent a long time crying today, I’m ashamed to admit. Pity party, party of one. Damn, I got to stop those. I don’t want a table named after me at Chez Les Miserables! I need to snap myself out of this. I’m going to take myself out to eat and go to the movies (I really want to see I, Tonya), and distract myself a bit. It’s time to put a little self care into action again. I know I am responsible for my own happiness. Birdy is not my source of joy, even though I do have an awesome time in his company. I recognize that the only source of happiness is one that is self generated. But why does that feel like I am retreating into the land of “other”?  Why can’t I have happiness, love, and blackened fish sandwiches all at the same time? Universe, that would be quite grand if you could arrange it please.

11 Comments

  1. Some tears are toxins which need to be shed. Cry them freely. This resonates more than I like to admit. I am also ‘other’. And mostly fine with it. But it does get lonely from time to time, and the yearning for a fairy tale ending sneaks in. Even when I know that it isn’t possible, reasonable and that I probably would pick holes in it.
    Hugs.

    Liked by 3 people

  2. Well Ms. C, you might be interested to know that I am also INFJ. I took the test when I was in my 20’s for a college class and also two other times during therapy and healing from betrayal. My results are always INFJ. Blue Eyes is ENTP, supposedly very compatible. You might be surprised to know that a lot of people consider themselves “others.” The human condition is not always as it seems. I think your big house on the hill might be very crowded! 😘 I also know from my husband, that extroverts can also feel incredibly alone. Big hugs from way out west! 💖

    Liked by 2 people

      1. I hope it passes soon! Weirdly enough, last night I started a post on personality tests. Great minds think alike. I’ve been sick for a few days. Time for me to get back into the swing of things. Finally feeling better today. I have met one other, at a betrayed spouse seminar I attended in Scottsdale. Our scores were almost identical. We got along famously! People think I’m an extrovert, but I’m really not. I work very hard at socializing. Much love! ❤️

        Liked by 1 person

      2. That’s what I was thinking, I’d never have thought you were an introvert. But INFJs are very good at expressing themselves, so maybe that’s why. You and I both feel this need to give voice to our truth.
        I always wanted to write about the myer Briggs test in depth. I find it completely fascinating.
        Come see me soon 💕💜♥️😘

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Oh my goodness, I had to keep checking to see if your post was written by me. I honestly feel like you and I are feeling the exact same. I do not have one relationship or possible love interests. I feel sad and down and hopeless. Everyone is moving on and living their lives. I don’t see anything changes for me and obviously because I am not changing myself. I am not sure what to do to change. I am feeling really stuck. Whether it’s love, my career, my financial situation, etc.. You are not alone. Hang in there. xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Going to the google to find the test…….. as someone who others would say is very extrovert, I am taking the whole month of January to be very quiet, to try and observe the world around me instead of sticking my face in the middle of it all……. embrace your ‘otherness’ doll, it’s what makes you, you ✨

    Liked by 1 person

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