Dear Birdy: A Goodbye Letter

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It has been suggested that in times where you feel closure won’t be an option, writing a letter can be a good idea. Just get the feelings out. That’s supposed to be cathartic, but actually it wasn’t. Writing the following letter made me incredibly sad. I am sure in the months that follow, Birdy will pop up somewhere. He might not figure it out yet, but he will: I’m not the kind of woman that will be easily replaced. He will send me some stupid text, “whatcha doing?,” as if none of this ever happened. This time, I will ignore it. I will not continually act the part of the fool. I’ve done it before, and I always end up right back where I started.

So here is the letter I wrote to Birdy. I doubt he will ever see it. He knows of my blog, but I don’t think I was ever important enough to him for him to ever read it. Instead I share it with you.

Dear Birdy,

It was all in my imagination, but I thought when you looked at me you could stare in my heart and see the ME that nobody else could. That’s just how I am, silly with overly romantic ideas. I thought you were smart, good, handsome, and I admired and respected you. I had convinced myself that you were my “one.”

The truth is I could never relax enough around you to feel safe. I was trying too hard. I just wanted to make you happy with me and care for me, and so I walked on eggshells. I wanted to be perfect for you, but I was far from perfect. You always let me know. I was a bad driver, I dressed bad, I was selfish and didn’t “contribute” (I still don’t know if you were referring to money or something else – I was too ashamed to ask), and there were also some occasions where I was too lazy to brush my teeth. You broke up with me for three months for that one. I let my heart break repeatedly so I could keep you close. But we were never actually close, were we? You wouldn’t let me in.

I know you didn’t respect me. I could tell by the way you treated me, not answering my texts and always leaving me hanging. Making me feel like I wasn’t even worthy enough to let me know you had broken up with me. That was pretty heartless. Even you have to admit it. You talk to homeless men who stop you on the street. I’ve seen you do it many times. I was a woman who shared your bed and you wouldn’t allow me the same dignity as an unwashed stranger. What makes me so low in your eyes that you felt it was okay to treat me like that? You just completely turned your back on me like I never existed.

I am a human being. I have feelings. In fact I’d say I feel things way more deeply than I should. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve cried for you because at times you made me feel so unwanted. Pathetic? Yes. But I don’t care. You should know these things. You should know it so that if you ever do fall in love, you will know it’s not okay to treat someone you care for like that. It’s not ok to tease starving people with breadcrumbs of affection, even if they are weak and maybe a little stupid. That’s just cruel. It’s like tearing the wings off a butterfly.

It takes a lot to make a heart like mine go cold towards someone I love. I can take a lot of shit. But shit isn’t what I want. I want someone who is capable of seeing what I have to offer as a gift, not something to run from like a coward.

Go. Run away. I release you.

Love Always,
C

Did you ever write a letter to someone just for the sake of writing it? Did it help? I found this painful, and probably wouldn’t do it again. It made me cry and gave me a headache. It was more like opening a wound than letting it heal. This is probably the last post I shall ever write about Birdy (unless I hear from  him, then I’m sure I’ll mention it). I just don’t want to give him any more space. Not on my blog, not in my mind, and not in my heart.

16 Comments

    1. I am doing my best, thank you my friend. I had a “moment” this morning, but I didn’t try to text him. The humiliating silence he treats me with makes me realize there is no point. I have to move on. This isn’t normal or healthy.

      Liked by 1 person

  1. I’m sorry that you’re hurting. I had a ‘birdy’ once. I have said a few times that he might as well have hit me for the scares he left with the verbal put downs. I broke up with him 3 times only to take him back and then have him dump me for not being enough. When stressed or low I will think of him and wonder what if I had been different. I wish I had had the courage you had above to write this kind letter. So I applaud your bravery….
    It’s unfortunate but I think many women take on the hurtful words men can throw at them and hold on to them at their core, while man can turn these off or discard them as easily as turning off a light switch.
    I hope that you find that greater love sooner than later – as I do believe, while I haven’t found it quite yet, that it’s out there and that I’ll say… Wow… it lead up to this… this feeling of being cherished and loved for simply me. For now I have some new friends that give me that and that helps me know that the other will come in time as well.
    You are enough, you are more than enough and while this journey is hard and painful and sad… there is something better out there. This I believe. Be strong and confident that we as your followers see here… you have it in you. Hang in there and take 1 minute at a time if that’s what it takes at times. There’s no shame in it.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much for what you wrote me. You know, what you wrote is actually true, I do feel scarred. Today I went somewhere that Birdy and I once went and my eyes just filled with tears. I hate it that I still love him.
      Time will heal, and I know I will never allow a man to treat me that way again.
      Thank you for your sweet words.
      ♥️♥️♥️

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      1. I’m glad that they may have given you some comfort. We can’t always help the way we feel.. and it’s what we do in those hard and bad times that forms us and protects us for later. You’ve got this…. it will unfortunately… just take time which I hate to have to say. Hugs….

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Very good letter Caroline. I hope you sent it. I knew a guy who broke up with a very long term girlfriend, (because he started a new relationship with another woman) just plain ghosted her. I think she knew somehow it was coming but was probably in denial and hopeful it wasn’t. Since then he has married the new woman and has a child and has moved on. But the old girlfriend keeps texting him trying to insinuate herself into his life. She even sent a friend request to MY husband, which I strongly messaged her back and told her what I thought of that…whole other story. Regardless what I think of the old girlfriend, what he did was nothing short of chicken shit. But I have to say I know lots of men who try this angle. HA!!! My husband being one on fucking DDay!!! Yes thought he could simply say he was leaving me. No explanation, no talk how the relationship wasn’t suiting him any more, nothing. It’s cruel and immature and unevolved as a human to do this crap. For crying out loud can’t they feel they owe some kind of explanation?? Maybe they are just not that introspective. Maybe we read more into relationships than we should. I don’t know. What I do know is people are freaking weird. I try to limit my exposure to them as much as possible.

    I hope you are having fun dating the new person and I hope you will ignore any future attempt Birdy may try to draw you back in to his orbit. Just say MEH….. seriously. No one should allow themselves to be treated the way he treated you as if you were expendable and he could wag his finger and you’d come running.

    Suck it Birdy!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I won’t actually send it. I want to just forget him. He wants no contact so that’s exactly what he is going to get. I just want to forget him. He doesn’t deserve the space I have given him. And yes, if and when I hear from Birdy, I have no intention of replying. I will treat him with the same thought and consideration with which he as treated me (which means I will do absolutely nothing).

      Like

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