Birthday Challenge Accepted

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Tito’s rejection really threw me more than I cared to admit. To his credit, he was kind, and he did, in fact, continue our friendship, but boy was I down, fucking depressed actually. I still am. The truth is, It’s all my own fault. I can’t blame Tito for this. He has actually been incredibly decent, a true gentleman. In fact, the way that he handled the situation makes me like him even more (it would be easier to be mad at him and not like him anymore, but the fact is he is pretty awesome). The other night we were texting on WhatsApp and he made me realize that what I’m doing just isn’t working. What I need to do is take action. What I have concluded is that the best action, in the romance department, is no action at all. I tried. I tried so hard … too hard.

Goal: I want to be happy

Thought: My desire to be loved is making me miserable (dare I say to the point where I am no longer finding joy in life – it is truly that bad. I feel awful and hopeless, and I’m just wanting to give up … pretty much on everything). In the last few years I have been absolutely obsessed with the idea that I need to find someone to love and be loved by in return. The results have been absolutely catastrophic to my mental health. I know this. Love isn’t about fun anymore, it’s more about desperation, and I am so sick of being in despair. For fuck sake, I’ve become more of miserable goth now than I ever was in high school, and quite frankly, it feels like shit. Yeah black is sexy and slimming, but being depressed? So ovah!!!

Action: As we enter the new month of April, maybe this is as good a point as any to start something new. Maybe I’ll just give the whole dating deal a rest for now. The highs and lows I am experiencing from dating really aren’t doing me any good. I feel like crap. Too much of my heart and mind is being focused on wether or not someone loves me. Well, what if I cut that out? What if I just stopped trying? What if I give myself a break? What would happen?!?!?!

Action: I am going to revisit the Birthday Challenge. No more dating websites, no more reaching out to men for the purpose of filling this ugly hole in my heart. Though they make me feel better for a little while, the hole just seems to be made deeper once they leave. I think I have to start letting it heal the old fashioned way: with a little time and introspection.

Do you have any idea how much mental energy I give to finding a partner? Maybe you have some idea if you have been reading my blog on a regular basis, but truthfully, it doesn’t even scratch the surface. It’s time to give this a break. I want to see what else I can do with my energy. I want to see what other goals I can focus on.

Yes, I do want a partner, but I DO actually have other goals too. They just kind of got pushed to the side. It’s time to move those to the front and put the relationship stuff on the back burner, because quite frankly, it just isn’t fun anymore. These days it’s downright painful. Here is a list of what I’d like to accomplish as my birthday gift to myself:

  • A steady and upbeat mood
  • Physical well being, I’ve been letting myself go and have lost some of the hard earned progress I worked so hard for. I want to feel better about my appearance.
  • Pride in my work
  • Effort into my friendships
  • Caring about myself and how I feel above all others… aka learning to be selfish.

As a reward, not only do I expect to have accomplished much, but I think some fabulous vacation will be in order. Krazy Cat… you reading this girlie? Let’s plan something! Also I think I’m going to finally buy myself the laptop I’ve been wanting at the end of it. That would be kind of a cool birthday present.

Yeah, fuck boyfriends (for now).

22 Comments

  1. I love this. You can do it! Once I’m out of my current mess, I’m going to take a year off. No dating, no dating sites, nada. Time to fix my broken bits and stand on firmer footing for the next time someone tries to convince me they know what to do with all this fire behind my eyes.

    Liked by 2 people

      1. I have no idea if I can do it. I’m already jonesing to chat with boys online, as I love the flirting and attention. The current bf is killing my spirit slowly, and like a junkie I know I can get a fix elsewhere. But I’m working hard NOT to do it. I keep falling into the same trap – I meet someone while trying to be single who convinces me to be his girlfriend. Then, once he has me, he realizes he’s not enough man for me and instead of bowing out gracefully he just becomes a fucking shithead until I leave. I can’t do it anymore. It just validates my deepest fear (that I am, on some level, inherently unlovable). I need to take a year to find my strength so that I can say no to the next guy who tries it.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. In your corner, caroline! We can push through this together! I am not one to want love at any cost. But am currently ACHING for my lost love. And struggling hard to stay strong and centred x x x. We can do this!

    All counsellors we saw suggested at least 12 months alone, without pursuing anything, to begin to heal oneself properly.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I’m here, I’m here. Where shall we go??? I wish we were going to be in NYC at the same time. You could meet my sons. Let me know what you are thinking… I’m in!!! And buy that laptop for Pete’s Sake. What are you waiting for. You are worth it. I particularly like my little rose gold air. She’s so light and pretty, just like you! ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Like your blog and read often. Remembered your list of likes included Scarface, stuck with me as I’ve never met a single female that ever said she liked that movie. It’s being screened again early next month across the USA for it’s 35th anniversary. I remember sneaking in with a friend back in high school and was blown away. Growing up in Dade County from 1977-1983 this movie has always been a favorite. Tix here https://screenvisionmedia.com/events/scarface-35th-anniversary/

    Liked by 1 person

      1. I’m going the 13th at a local theater. I wish it was in a “modern” jazzed up bar/theater with stadium seats. The experience will sadly be like the 80s. Stale popcorn, sticky floors. Ugh. I wish I was in the sunny Florida climate. We left Miami Lakes in the early 80’s for Coral Springs, then Orlando . . . my parents were in the real estate business so where the market was hot, that’s where we lived. Realtors/gypsies. I imagine it has to be 1,000% different from when I grew up there! It’s been a bucket list item to come back and visit for the boat show in November. Good memories of that as a kid.

        Liked by 1 person

  5. Hmm, perhaps we did as kids. My cousins – around my same age went to CS Elementary, Middle and High and lived in an area I believe called Wood Lake? I used to ride on a BMX team with one of them in CS on weekends. We’d hang out at a Burger King nearby, the mall or an ice cream store called Zipz on Sample Road. A big adventure was to ride down Wiles Rd to the climb the Everglades levee. (There was no Parkland on the other side of Wiles then – it was “the woods”). My youth soccer team saw President Ford speak at that tall bank building on Sample in 1976 for some reason. I was a kid and was super bored. My mom thought it was cool.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Ah let’s see. I went to Coral Springs Middle then Forest Glen and graduated from Coral Springs High. Lived off of Wiles. Complete nerd and very quiet, super into art … not much has changed really 🤷🏻‍♀️😉.

      Like

  6. Lol. I was not too shy or quiet and was a surf/skate rat. My parents did not like that one bit. I lived near-ish to Wiles off Ramblewood Dr. in CS eventually after I finished HS and bummed around before heading off to college to become a respectable citizen. Well, not actually while -IN- college. My oldest cousin went to double sessions at Coral Springs High.

    Liked by 1 person

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