So I have a confession to make. I slipped. After about 4 months of no contact with Birdy, I texted him. You guys know, despite the things I’ve written, that he will always have a place in my heart. Like it or not. It’s just fact. I don’t want to love him. Not after the way he has treated me (or more correctly, his lack of treatment altogether). But if you read my blog, you know that I do love him. My heart and my brain argue constantly on this subject. I got a little triggered. It was that sappy 80’s music, but there I was in the mall, spending ungodly amounts of money on things I don’t need, when the emotions took hold. The Devil totally made me do it. Or Journey. Whatever. It totally lead me down the wrong path. Note to self on the 1980’s: bad hair, bad fashion choices, and bad for my decision making skills.
If only I was that special kind of human that can dismiss someone without thought … no, that will never be me. God, please grant me that superpower in my next life.
Yeah, so I sent a text via WhatsApp. And I waited. Then I waited some more. Inside I could feel a sickening mix of hope and anxiety. And then, after 7 hours, the two blue ticks appeared, indicating that he read my message.
And I waited. And I waited some more. And then some more… and then some more. And can you guess that happened? Ha, yes! So right dollies… nothing happened. There was no reply. And then from the hours of 11 to 2 I cried.
In those hours I heard from Mr. Big. Remember him? He gave me some good and constructive advice. The same advice that everyone else gives me, the advice that only an outsider who is not emotionally invested is able to give. It did help me to feel better, I must admit. But it didn’t erase the feelings of embarrassment and hurt that had embedded themselves within my heart. I know I kind of deserved it. It was so stupid of me. What did I expect?
I know Birdy’s decision not to reply to me is one which I need to respect and honor. I will not pursue it. Anyway it’s too hard. His rejection leaves me feeling completely stripped of dignity. It was always that way when it came to him. I now understand why. And perhaps it is a Pandora’s Box best left locked. But you know it fucking hurt, don’t you? Rejection always hurts, but when it’s from someone you love… it’s the bitterest, ugliest pill there is.
I know I have to take this rejection and transform it into something constructive. That’s the plan anyway. Watch this space. Next stop, NY.