Eye Scream and Other Random Woes

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I had a terrible scare this week I don’t know what happened. But my vision … something happened. One morning I woke up with blurry double vision in my left eye, and I noticed I could no longer see up close. Panic is an understatement dollies. I was considering going to the emergency room.

Monday at work I got to my desk, and after turning in the computer I started to cry. I couldn’t see the words on my screen. I didn’t know what to do. Somehow I made it through until I was able to see a doctor.

Well, to make a long story short, my vision has changed. Apparently this is something normal. When you reach about 40, something happens to your eyes where seeing up close becomes a lot more difficult. I’m not going to die or become blind I relaized, I’m just getting older.  God, was I freaked out. Majorly freaked.

My mom decided it might be a good idea to test my blood. She is diabetic, and it runs heavy in our family history. Eye problems and diabetes go hand in hand, so she asked me to try her blood test machine thingy… guess what? According to my score (107),  I’m pre diabetic. Nice huh? So now I’ve started looking at labels a lot more, and I’m going to make some tweaks to my diet (even though I’m only 122 pounds). Here’s a crazy fact: a woman should not consume more than 25g of sugar a day. A large apple has 23 grams! I eat an apple every day! I’m cutting fruit out of my diet, and I’m watching all the sugars. I realize my Monday – Friday diet has about 40 grams of sugar, and I figured out how to reduce it to 12 grams without going through any inconvenience. I’ll allow myself treats still, on the weekend, but I’ve got to learn to be much more mindful, and only treat myself to foods that REALLY call to me. I’m going to be much more selective in my food choices. I absolutely do not want to be diabetic. I totally don’t want to deal with that shit.

Here is another good one. Last week my boss took me into her office along with the branch office manager. I was told that my work isn’t up to scratch. I’ve been at this company almost two years now. It’s the one concrete thing I have (well, that and my honorary membership into Club Spinster). Damn, if I loose my job I’m I’m going to be devastated. Yeah, there are days I don’t want to go into work, but I like my job (I’d go as far as to say it is essential to my sanity), plus I really love the company I work for. I’m going to work extra hard and do my best to jump through the hoops like a good little show pony. I hope they will see my efforts.

As I feel my life is crumbling, I’ve been feeling especially alone. My mother has been a great comfort to me. I’m also blessed with an awesome grandmother and a father who loves me to bits. I have a couple dear friends — though none live nearby. The eyes, the diabetes scare, the possibility I can loose my job … it makes me feel incredibly vulnerable. I wish I had someone special in my life, that I could lie on his lap, or maybe be cuddled a bit. I wish he would stroke my hair and tell me things would be okay … but that just doesn’t seem to be on the horizon, especially since I’ve taken myself out of the dating pool.

I have my birthday coming up in a couple weeks. I turn 43. The idea of ending my Birthday Challenge and trying to date again fills me with more dread than excitement this time around. I don’t know if I’m strong enough to deal with the emotions. Yes, I always can hope that this time I’ll find the one whose soul loves mine. I love that dream. But I am starting to wonder if it is just a dream. I talk to other women, and I know I’m not alone in this feeling, this general feeling of heartbreak and disappointment. I do know I’ll try again, because that’s just who I am. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to give up on love… but maybe now is not the time. Right now, I want to focus on my job and my health. I don’t think I want to attempt dating until I feel inspired by the prospect. I don’t want to date because of my fear of being alone. I think the Birthday Challenge is to be extended until I feel okay in my skin again.

And this, my dear, is how the sugar free cookie crumbles. Barf… like I’d ever eat that shit.

13 Comments

  1. I hope you have a nice birthday and that those close to you do something to lift your spirits. Are you a Cancer or a Gemini? I am Leo and grew up in a family of four Geminis. Mom, dad and siblings. Luckily we were compatible signs (if you put any stock in that stuff, which I do) all along. Did you have a chance to see Scarface? I saw it at my local theater last night and it was as good as I remembered, perhaps a little less without the dopamine rush from the thrill of sneaking in as a teen. Take care.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m a cancer and my mom and sister are also water signs (Scorpio and Pisces). We get along perfect. My other sister is a fire sign, we all find her hard to deal with lol. Yes, I find a lot of truth in that stuff. I did see Scarface ☺️ thanks for letting me know about the showing!
      It’s going to be a quiet birthday. No big plans. Dinner at my grandma’s with my mom and Pisces sis. And carvel cake. I can’t have a birthday without ice cream cake 🎂🤷🏻‍♀️😜 hope all is well!

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      1. I live in an area of the country where there are no close-by Carvel stores. You are lucky. In Coral Springs and Miami I know they were easy to get and of course, best part are the crunchies inside. I joke with my kids about “Fudgie the Whale” for a Whale of Dad and they have no clue. Do you remember the old commercials for “Cookiepuss?” I got one of those for a kiddie birthday when I was young. THAT was a good birthday.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. OMG, how could I forget cookiepuss?!?!?! I wonder if you can still get those. Alas I don’t think I’m getting a Cookiepuss but I’m going to tell my mom I want one for next year. This year it’s strawberry and vanilla with those yummy chocolate crunchies.
        Happy Father’s Day!!!!

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