Hurricane Irma passed us, and I am happy to say, that despite what it looks like on the news, and aside from some fallen trees, we are unscathed. In fact, here where I live, we did not experience one power outage. My biggest complaint about Irma was that I was completely and utterly bored. I tried to fill the time by filling myself up with little brain goodies (and belly goodies too LOL, there goes my awesome weight loss progress).

What are brain goodies you ask? Things that make me feel good on the inside, happy and empowering quotes and pictures, uplifting stuff on YouTube, cheerful songs, and I downloaded Gabrielle Bernstien’s Spirit Junkies on Audible. Going to listen to that after I finish this post. I am a hippie at heart. So maybe it does sound a little flaky fairy when I tell you I’m working on raising my vibration, but that’s exactly what I’m doing.

Below I have made a collage of just a few of my little brain goodies. It’s stuff I collected on Instagram and Pinterest. Just little snippets that I browse when I need a little pick me up. Chocolate cake works too.

Click any image to enlarge.

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Sometimes a woman needs to date herself. This was the case even when I was married. I lived a very solitary life as a housewife. My ex was often busy, and was not around much (I wonder why…). I learned that if I wanted to do something I had a choice: I could go alone or not go at all. It wasn’t a hard decision for me. My sister in law would tell me that it was “sad” that I’d do all these things by myself. I would always reply, “What’s sadder, me going alone, or you staying home?” I would go to nice restaurants on my own, shopping, see shows, and even spend a few days in Paris all by myself. It was surprisingly empowering. Believe it or not I have grown to love my little solo adventures. Sure, doing what you love with someone you love is the best, but doing what you love on your own really isn’t that bad… actually it’s kind of awesome. There is something very self indulgent about it. I can do exactly what I want without having to worry about what someone else thinks. I don’t need to care if someone is having a good time. I don’t need to worry about what restaurant someone else wants to eat at, or what kind of schedule they are on. I can spend all my time looking at ballgowns and fantasizing if that’s what I choose. It’s all about me. I have to say, I’m totally ok with that. It’s come to a point that I’m so used to having my solo adventures, that these days, doing things with someone else sometimes feels outside of my comfort zone. I’m not a loner by any means, but my alone time is special to me. I treasure it.

Friday I took the day off from work and got to fulfill a wish of mine: seeing Dita Von Teese perform in one is her burlesque show, The Art of the Teese. I am such a big fan. I love her for her grace, style, talent, her cheeky elegance, not to mention her exceptional beauty. When I found out she was going to be in Miami at The Fillmore, there was nothing that could keep me away. I desperately wanted to go with Birdy, but that didn’t work out. Still, I was going. No man is going to suck the joy out of my life. Yeah, I get hurt and upset (and the truth is I miss him terribly), but ultimately I realize that I do have a say in how happy I get to be. Despite some bad days, I will always choose happiness. ALWAYS.

It’s no secret that I like to treat myself well when I can, so that’s exactly what I did. First stop was a late lunch at The Dutch in the W Hotel in South Beach. I had a yummy spicy  Korean fried chicken sandwich with fries, followed by what I’m guessing is the world’s best key lime pie. It is godly my dears. The holy grail of key lime pie, and believe me, I’ve had a few.  These thighs don’t lie.

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I walked along Lincoln Road Mall, but in all honesty that wasn’t doing it for me. It was 96 degrees out, and I was melting. I persevered. I was going to see Dita.

Just waiting on line at The Filmore was an experience. Some people were dressed to the nines, a la Dita. How I wish I knew how to do my hair Dita style. Note to self: must watch hair tutorials on YouTube. Just people watching was entertaining. But the show itself? It was everything. Dita was glorious!!! Wonderful costumes, dancing, humor… and get this, there was even a real live marriage proposal on stage. My favorite act was the opener where Dita does her famous champagne glass routine. There were also some other awesome burlesque dancers (which I guess gave Dita the chance to rest between sets), and there was a super funny and fabulous master of ceremonies who kept us laughing the whole time. Dita certainly had an awesome “Vontorage.” It was an evening of rhinestones, glamour, and fun. It was something I will never forget, and I’m so glad I went. If you have the opportunity to go, GO! That’s all I can say.

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The moral of this post: don’t be afraid or intimidated from doing things alone. It’s better than doing nothing at all. In fact, you may find yourself in a storm of Swarovski and Louboutins with a supremely delicious key lime pie in your belly. I think we can all agree, there ain’t nothing wrong with that.

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The past two weeks have had its share of ups and downs. The big downer was a very ugly text conversation between Birdy and I.  Suffice it to say, it was nasty, and I doubt there will ever be any further communication between us, which is sad because I really loved him *le sigh.* Unfortunately that’s not mutual. I guess it’s his loss. I don’t know what his problem is. I’m a fucking delight. When the time is right, I’m just going to put myself back on Match.com and try dating again. Till then, I’m just going to be awesome on my own.

Despite this, life has been pretty freaking good to me lately. Here are five things which are making me mightily amused at the moment.

  1. My car. Oh my goodness, it is so fabulous having a car of my own. I’m still getting used to it. I’m a bit of a nervous driver. My car just feels so big (because I’m used to driving my mother’s tiny one). I haven’t been very adventurous… yet. I’ve just been taking myself to work and back, and there was one trip to the mall. That will change as I get more comfortable. It was a little scary for me to spend that much money (I paid in full).  My friend MJ said that the expense was the price of freedom. So right! I really think a lot more doors will be open to me as a result.
  2. My 1 year anniversary at my job came around. I feel blessed beyond measure to have the job I have. The company I work for has excellent ethics, and the people I work with make my job something that I’m happy to wake up early in the morning for. My boss is lovely. Sometimes I feel like my job is one of the best things I got going for me.  Don’t get me wrong, I have days that are utterly craptastic, but on the whole, I can honestly say that I love my job. I can’t wait to get promoted!
  3. Free stuff: I’ve been able to get some lovely free goodies lately.
  • I got a $200 gas gift card that I redeemed from credit card points I didn’t even know I had (and truthfully I don’t understand why I have them, but whatevaaaaa LOL).
  • There was also enough to get a free $15 Panera card. I’m always at Panera.
  • I got a $10 credit from Godiva  (sign up for their rewards card … so worth it). 
  • Best of all, a dear friend helped me to access some airline credit which allows me a free round trip ride to NYC. I’m going in early October. I’m doing it on the cheap, but I know it will get expensive once I get there … that’s how I roll dollies.Screen Shot 2017-08-20 at 4.28.55 PM.png4. I reached my goal weight. My goal was to get to below 120 pounds. I weighed myself on Saturday and the scale registered 118.8. How freaking cool is that? I’m officially thin (kind of). I’m super pleased with myself. If I’m being completely real though, I think I look exactly the same.796adf08508c65a67477248656f6ad7b--brownie-batter-cake-batter.jpg5. Tei Shi’s “Basically”:  I love browsing YouTube and finding artists that I never heard of before. Tei Shi is kind of a gem. My favorite song of hers is called Basically. It’s a great song with an almost 80s appeal and a totally upbeat vibe. It just plain old makes makes me feel good, and isn’t that what life is all about?

One of my favorite posts on my blog  is 100 Things I love. It’s so important to never forget all the good things, of which there are so many. I have been having some very dark days, but I know that everything is going to be okay. I will get through it, and I will come out of this better than ever. This I know. I have to trust that whatever has happened, happened for my greatest good. In the meantime, there are so many good things to focus on. Let’s  start with 100 …

  1. Walking barefoot in the grass
  2. My job. Yep, completely true. I may complain at times, but I know that this is one of my greatest blessings.
  3. The Owl and the Pussycat — something that my grandfather used to read me.
  4. Knowing undoubtedly, that no matter what cruelty there exists, that it is outweighed by kindness. Not just a by a little, but exponentially.
  5. When it’s raining, but I’m dry and cozy.
  6. Binge watching a really excellent series on Netflix. GLOW is my drug of choice at the moment. It’s fun and frivolous with lots of cool songs from the 80s.
  7. Fridays
  8. Making choices from a place of love rather than fear.
  9. Art that makes me feel something
  10. Grilled cheese sandwiches: that moment when you cut it in half and pull the two pieces apart, watching the cheese stretch.
  11. Kind shoulders to cry on for those days that u need one.
  12. Pay checks
  13. When a man holds the door open for me.
  14. Plane journeys
  15. A good conversation. It’s an art. So many people are surprisingly under skilled in it.
  16. The Classic Gateway Theater in Ft Lauderdale, in all its retro chic glory.Screen Shot 2017-08-05 at 10.57.27 AM
  17. When people have a smile in their voice. I wonder if there is a word for that. There should be.
  18. When I get recognition for something I did right at work.
  19. Birthday cake
  20. Accessories, especially shoes. They don’t care if my ass looks less than ideal.
  21. Adventures
  22. Treating myself to an overpriced goodie “just because”
  23. When someone gives me their undivided attention
  24. Leaving my comfort zone and proving to myself I am capable and stronger than I knew
  25. Having choices
  26. Calling in sick from work and going to the mall
  27. Skeletor memes (perhaps you’ve noticed)61564192
  28. When you realize that life goes on despite losing that person who you didn’t think you could live with out.
  29. Smiles from strangers and being brave enough to smile back (for shy people, sometimes this does require bravery).
  30. The Kindness Rock Project. I learned about this from one of my customers. I thought it was such a beautiful concept. I’d love to find one, and I’m inspired to make a few. 
  31. My new friend MJ. I don’t meet friends that often, so our new friendship is very special to me. We have so much in common. She is Birdy’s brother’s widow.  I simply adore her. 
  32. Old friends, the ones that stick around and stand the test of time.
  33. Blackened grouper tacos by the water at Jimbo’s Sandbar
  34. The feeling of hope.
  35. Instagram: if you are not following me, what are you waiting for?
  36. When goodies come in the mail
  37. Knowing “I can handle it.” That never used to be the case.
  38. Generosity of spirit
  39. Moments of synchronicity
  40. Chris Rock. I saw him at The HardRock in March. I think he is one of the funniest comedians out there.
  41. Sitting outside on the porch reading a good book or flipping through a magazine
  42. Days when I go shopping and lots of cool clothes fit me … and I have the money to buy them.
  43. The Law of Attraction
  44. Being brave
  45. Letting go
  46. Conversations so enthralling that you don’t even notice the passage of time
  47. Rago shapewear: it hides a multitude of sins. Muffin tops are now a thing of the past. They may not appeal to everyone’s taste lookswise, but these put Spanx to shame.
  48. When the tables turn and you are now in the position of power …. Soooo yummy! 
  49. When I can get away with being a slacker
  50. Gifts with purchase
  51. Authentic connections
  52. Standing up for myself
  53. Fantasizing about my next epic binge Untitled
  54. French toast at the Landmarc in New York
  55. When someone makes me smile so much that I feel like my face is going to crack
  56. The moments when I feel my power, and a secret smile comes over me.
  57. Ice cream sundaes at uber cute The Sugar Bowl in Scottsdale, AZ.
  58. Getting a bargain on something gorgeous. Did I ever tell you that I am a bargain hunting goddess?!?! Yep. Totally true.
  59. Laundry when it is fresh from the drier. It’s clean and warm and it smells so good.
  60. Nice colleagues, it makes the day go by so much better. I’ve been so completely blessed in this department
  61. Florence + the Machine. Florence is a queen.
  62. Getting lost and finding wonderful places in the process. 
  63. My Fitbit. It changed the way I live. I do tons of walking now, I get out into the sunshine, and it even inspired me to start taking vitamins now that I’m going to be all healthy and shit.
  64. Being in a position to give
  65. Uplifting quotes, I collect them.963af50b626ee0bf58bcb455a3cfde0e
  66. I recently discovered the awesomeness that is Carla Harris. The woman is a powerhouse. She has such good, strong, positive energy. She talks a lot about business, but I find that her pearls of wisdom can be used for a lot more than  climbing the corporate ladder.
  67. Getting my hair done at a fancy salon.
  68. The Guerrilla Girls
  69. Overpriced candles for bubble bath experiences
  70. Those who are brave enough to dream despite having fallen
  71. Feather blankets, one day I shall have one.
  72. Alphonso mangoes — unfortunately not something I’ve ever seen in the US, but it is probably the most Devine fruit I’ve ever tasted.
  73. People who genuinely want to see you do well in life.
  74. Paintings by Edward Hopper — especially his paintings of women.f56e83ede92a459ec8823934fa812bc3
  75. Listening to my horoscope (sometimes I refer to it as my “horrorscope.”) I’m not sure if I believe it, but it sure is amusing to me.
  76. Handsome man candy
  77. Decluttering: my room, my heart, and my head.
  78. Celebrating my birthday in Paris this year with my very dear friend.
  79. Layering my face in tons of $800 face creme at the duty free shop in Paris before returning home on my flight back to America. I’m so naughty … but my skin looked great and hydrated, so not sorry.
  80. Ladybugs
  81. Robert Indiana’s love sculptures. I look for them whenever I travel somewhere new.Screen Shot 2017-08-05 at 10.51.11 AM
  82. That feeling I get when I know I’ve helped someone.
  83. Ralph Smart / Infinite Waters
  84. Moments when I am wrapped in perfect peace
  85. Sing Street, a great movie. 
  86. Butterflies: I asked the Universe for a sign, and she returned me the butterfly I asked to see. Since then I’ve been seeing quite a few. Tons actually.
  87. Bookstores
  88. Airline credit: enough to book a mini getaway to NYC methinks! Fingers are itchy to book my next adventure. This time I think I might explore Brooklyn a little.
  89. Carb loading — and no, I’m not an athlete. I’m just a piggy.
  90. Writing in my gratitude journal.
  91. Kind gestures: making them and receiving them.
  92. When someone from afar reached out to me to remind me that they still have my back.
  93. Seeing the Eiffel Tower glitter in the dark. It’s nothing short of magic.c15bb630ba0733c7685d578f83d7bd4d--eiffel-tower-lights-eiffel-towers
  94. Being able to extract the beautiful memories from my past relationships and learning to focus on those good parts. Inside the pain, you can always find some beauty if you look hard enough.
  95.  Yoga. I used to do it when I lived in London, and now I’m taking it up again. I did my first yoga class yesterday. 
  96. Constantly coming closer to the core of my authenticity. With every year that passes, I become more and more myself, and I really love who that person is.
  97. Jim Carey. Not because he is funny, but because of this
  98. I was issued a corporate credit card … wow, like I’m a business woman or something! I wonder if I’ll get the chance to use it.
  99. Those intrinsic things about individuals that make us unique. They are our special gifts that can never be stolen.
  100. Love

There is so much to love. I am making myself ready to be able to love even more. That’s partly why I exist I think: to love, to appreciate and take joy in all these wonderful things, and then to discover even more to love. I can think of nothing better. Truly.

What do you love? I invite all my readers to take up this challenge with me and name 100 things that you love too. You would be surprised by the magic that results. I genuinely believe if we are greatful, we attract more things to be greatful for. It’s basic Law of Attraction daaahlings, and this stuff works. Send me a link so I can check yours out if you decide to do a list of your own.

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Thank you to all my readers who left me such beautiful comments. You guys remind me that I am not without my blessings. Nobody has sweeter, more well intentioned readers than I do. Some of your words offered me comfort, some offered inspiration, and some were the kick in the ass I probably needed, telling me to stop feeling sorry for myself and move on (nobody’s exact words– I’m just paraphrasing).

The night things ended, I just hurt so much. My face was very swollen and pained from all the crying I did. In the morning I felt a lot better (though still sad), and with that relief came some clarity: the door to Birdy’s heart is a closed one. It’s no shocking revelation dollies. I am not completely clueless. I guess I was hoping that could change. I was hoping he would see how amazing I am and decide to let me in. Well, I guess that was pretty dumb. I have no excuses to make, so I won’t even attempt it. It is what it is.

I don’t want to wallow in my suffering. Life is short, and quite frankly, I’m fucking tired of the hurt. Just once, I want the feeling of being loved just as much as I love. I want to feel safe with someone and valued. I hate what I feel now, that familiar feeling of abandonment, and knowing that I just wasn’t good enough to stick around for. I’m tired of crying. I’m tired of that sickly mix of anxiety and wanting that makes me want to vomit. 

I remember how I felt when I did my “Birthday Challenge” a while back. I think it helped me tremendously.  I dropped out of the romance race for a while. During that time I did my best to feed myself with good thoughts and a bit of self love (some days were more successful than others, as I’m sure will be the case this time around too). I’m going to do that again. It was a very productive time. With the encouragement of someone I love very dearly, I came up with another challenge, similar to the old one, but this one will be more lengthy. During that time, I will not make any attempt to talk to any guys. No Birdy, no dating websites. I am just going to try to focus on feeling good and accomplishing a few personal goals. Should Birdy contact me during that time… I don’t know. I’ll cross that bridge if I get there. 

In the past I have used men to medicate myself so that I don’t have to sit in my loneliness and feel my feelings (not sex, but the euphoria of feeling cared for — or dare I say “loved” — I always found the attention of someone I admired to be positively exhilarating). I spent most of my life suffering from this feeling that I am always on the outside looking in. I have this desperate desire to feel like I’m part of something bigger than myself. For a brief moment surrounded by Birdy and his incredibly wonderful family, I felt part of something, and it was positively delicious. My heart felt so satisfied…. and now it’s gone. Well I guess it’s time to make friends with the emptiness that lives inside of me. I’ve been living with her for a very long time, might as well shake hands and get to know each other. We are so intimate, yet I am always trying to hide her from my own consciousness. I know there is a great lesson to be learned here … but ugh, I’m not sure I’m looking forward to the process.

I end this post with something I heard Gabrielle Bernstein say on YouTube. She advised that when you are overcome with fear and anxiety of the unknown to say this little prayer:

“I choose to see hope in this, and I’m open to creative possibilities.”

I’m going to do just that (because I don’t know what else to do).

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I think Birdy is gone. We had a fight. You see sometimes I get in a bad mood when I don’t hear from Birdy in a while. I feel excluded, and like I don’t matter much to him. It hurts me deeply at times.  A girlfriend told me that I should confront him, that these are things that really need to be addressed. I knew the timing was bad. Birdy is still grieving the loss of his brother. I decided to do it anyway. It did not go well. In fact, I think it’s over (again). I am devastated. Fuck!!! I am just so inherently unloveable. My husband didn’t love me (he told me so). Napoleon abandoned me and is just some stranger that I used to know, and now Birdy. All of them accused me of the same thing: being needy. I am so hurt. I’m also angry and ashamed. Maybe I need to stop reaching out to people. Maybe I should just stop trying. 

I don’t feel very hopeful anymore. I used to hope against hope that love was out there for me. I  thought I was a good person, and that the Universe would reward me with love. I used to quote to myself from the Alchemist:

“And, when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.”
Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist

But I don’t feel like the Universe is conspiring in my favor right now. I’ve had my chances, and I’ve failed royally. Every. Single. Time.

I have nothing to offer anymore. I’m not young,  beautiful, rich, or smart. I don’t even have a car. I’m a fucking looser … and I’m needy to boot.

I don’t even want to exist anymore. What for?

I don’t remember if I mentioned it on my blog, but I keep a gratitude journal. It’s not a journal per se, it’s an app. Every day I try to write at least three things I’m thankful for. On a good day, I can have loads of entries. On a bad day, it can be hard to think of even one. Why do I keep a gratitude journal? Well, I once read that if you do something for 28 days it becomes a habit. I wanted to make it a habit to see the good in life. We are so trained to detail all the negative aspects of our day while taking the good things for granted. I don’t want to do that. I wanted to train my brain to do the opposite. I’ve been doing this more than 28 days, I think it’s closer to a year now, and I know that this practice has helped me greatly. I’d recommend this to anyone and everyone.

I think my gratitude journal really sums up my experience in Paris, so I thought I would share my entries with you.

Day 1

  • The Universe most definitely has my back. I am so blessed to have such an amazing friend to share this adventure with.
  • Our apartment is completely lovely. Crazy Kat and I are staying in such a perfect location in Saint-Germain-des-Prés , my favorite part of Paris. We each have our own bathroom, and a tiny little kitchen that has everything we need. I love the details: the little cubby holes, the little Hobbit door on the ground floor near the entryway, the wood beamed ceilings, and the little pillow on the couch with the gentleman wolf smoking a cigarette (note: we later found the pillow at a store, and each took one home a souvenir).

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  • We had a delicious dinner at a place that has always been on my radar, but I had completely forgotten about: Le Relais de l’Entrecôte. They only serve one dinner item, steak frites, and they do it so right. I love the secret sauce!
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Le Relais de l’Entrecôte, steak frites. Photo is from the website. In my pictures, the special sauce was terribly unphotogenic, but this picture does it justice, so voilà.

Day 2

  • Waking up in Paris on my birthday. How lucky am I?
  • Pierre Herme‘s Ispahan croissants. This is what I want to be the last thing I eat before I die. They are that amazing, truly unsurpassed.

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Breakfast is served. Are you feeling the love???
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The money shot.

  • My mother called to wish me a happy birthday.
  • I found a few space invaders.
  • I had my birthday dinner at my favorite restaurant in the world: Benoit. This was truly special for me. There was a time when I thought I’d never get to go again, well here I am, and it was truly as fabulous as I remembered.
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As you look at this pictures, imagine angels singing. That is how glorious this meal was.
  • Walking through the Maris after dinner and stumbling into a gay pride celebration. There was so much good energy. You could feel it.

Day 3

  • Starting my day off with another Ispahan Croissant … okay, two croissants. I’m on vacation so whatevaaaa.
  • Browsing Le Bon Marche and its adjacent foodie super store, La Grande Epicerie
  • The Palais Garnier, the stunning opera house in the center of Paris. It has always been a dream of mine to see a performance there. Today I saw La Cenerentola, an Italian version of Cinderella. It was certainly the most fun and cheeky opera I’ve been to thus far. The music was great, thoroughly entertaining.

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  • Grom gelato and their otherworldly whipped cream.

Day 4

  • Today I was the first customer to walk inside the sliding glass doors of Pierre Herme for my croissants. It’s true love.
  • Buly – an amazing little shop selling beautiful bath and body products and little treats for the home. The store itself is so beautiful, it’s like going back in time — an absolute gem with loads of special treats.

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  • Eating the same chocolates Marie Antoinette ate at Debauve & Gallais, the oldest chocolate shop in Paris.

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  • Tonight Crazy Kat and I had another wonderful meal. This time it was at Cafe Constant. I had the beef stew, which was so tender you could cut the meat with a spoon … and then there were the profiteroles …

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Day 5

  • Breakfast at Angelina and their infamous hot chocolate. There is nothing else like it. It is so thick and rich, but surprisingly not overly sweet. It is like drinking melted chocolate bars.
  • Tracking down more space invaders and catching Invader’s “Hello My Name Is” exhibit at the Musee en Herbe.

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  • Dinner at Laduree on the Champs Elyesee. Nobody does omelettes like the French. It was pure perfection, and the restaurant itself is like sitting in an old fashioned jewelry box.

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  • Seeing the Eiffel Tower glitter. Magic. Pure magic.

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Day 6

  • Scarfing down Ispahan croissants like a boss!
  • Finding some very cool space invader pieces. This one is my favorite of the trip:

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  • Sitting at a cafe at the Place de Vosges waiting for the rain to subside.
  • The famous falafel at L’As du Fallafel.

Day 7

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Le Parc by Gustav Klimt
  • The anticipation of seeing Birdy again when he offered to pick me up from MIA.
  • Having an awesome friend to share this special time with.

Thank you so much Crazy Kat, for everything. You are the best! I had the most wonderful time in Paris. I will never forget it.

Yeah, so you see, the Universe does have my back. For more pictures of this trip, please visit my Instagram page, and do follow me if you are so inclined. 

I found a speaker on YouTube that I really like. Her name is Gabrielle Bernstein, and one of her videos really inspired me. In the video she mentions that it’s good to ask the Universe for signs that you are on the right path. So I did. I wanted a sign that Birdy and I are meant to be (OMG how completely lame am I?!?!).  I asked the Universe to signify this by showing me a butterfly. I got the sign several minutes later on Instagram funny enough. I wasn’t searching for butterflies. This was just in my feed. It was the tenth picture down.

The butterfly came with a message “let go or be dragged.” I am taking this as my sign that Birdy is indeed for me, but if I want him, I need to let go. I need to learn to hold with an open hand. To be present, but to let go of the need to determine the path of our relationship… to just let it be, and to have faith that the Universe (or what I call God) has my back.
I thought about it about it again several hours later. I take what I call “smoking breaks” at work. I don’t smoke, I never smoked a cigarette in my life, it’s just what I call the little 10-15 min breaks I take to get my steps in (my Fitbit has changed my life, for sure). And can you guess what I saw?!?! Yes! A real live butterfly. It was black and yellow, and it gave me the biggest smile. 
I think I am starting to manifest!

Yeah, I know some people might find my belief in Law of Attraction somewhat batshit, but I absolutely do believe in it. Don’t make me chase you down on my unicorn.

I think if life has one big lesson to teach me, it’s the art of letting go. I lost my attachment to most things. I’m not very sentimental about objects the way a lot of women are. Don’t get me wrong, I do adore designer goodies and beautiful treasures … but I know I can be okay without them, and I’m not too fussed if I loose them. Two times in my life, I have purged the majority of my possessions. The first time was when I left to England to get married, and the second time was when I returned to America as a result of my divorce. I came home with only one suitcase… and do you know what? It was okay. I didn’t really miss anything. It was actually incredibly liberating. Who would have guessed?

One aspect of letting go that I still have a lot to learn though, is when letting go has to do with people. When I love someone, I fight tooth and nail. This is what my heart knows how to do. Slowly my brain is catching up though, telling me that you don’t have to fight for love. If you are efforting (a word I learned from watching a lot of Abraham Hicks videos) so hard, something is just wrong.
So I can talk a good game, but am I putting this into practice? Let’s just say I’m a work in progress. For my birthday, I wish to gift myself with this skill (um… and cake, plenty of cake … cake in Paris). How am I going to do that? Well, I just need to immerse myself in it: books, helpful videos on YouTube, and most important — lots and lots of practice.

Okay, time to hop on to my unicorn and get my ass to Paris! Shenanigans await.

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I am panicking a little. Let’s start from the beginning. After Birdy’s brother died, there was a lot of grief and confusion. Birdy was a superstar. I was so proud of him. I always am. He held everyone together, he made arrangements, he comforted his loved ones… he was Birdy. He was awesome. He didn’t really give himself permission to do his own grieving. Yes, he was going through stuff, but it was so contained.
This week, he started back at work. I thought, wow, this is going to be so good for him. He is going to get back into his routine, and life is going to start getting back to normal. Well, obviously I was clueless. What do I know of death? Almost nothing.
Birdy did not handle going back to work well at all. I don’t know all the details. What I do know is that on Tuesday I saw him cry –really cry. That is natural of course, he needs to go through this process. He also started seeing a psychologist, and he is attending appointments quite intensely. I guess this a good thing too. It is brave for a man to admit that he needs help. Brave, and also wise.

So, what’s the problem? I feel like I am walking on egg shells. With all my heart, I would do anything to make things right for him. I want to be there for him and give him comfort, but I am afraid he is finding me claustrophobic, and I am afraid things will start falling apart like a house of cards. You see, Birdy has two sides. There is one side that is really fun and outgoing. He is really at ease being the center of attention, and I think he quite likes it. The other side is very solitary. Sometimes he just likes to be alone and do things by himself. The problem is, I never know which side of the coin I’m dealing with. This means that I don’t ever really know what to do or how to act. Should I cuddle him and tell him how much he means to me? Should I constantly make myself available and send loving texts? OR should I back off???
I guess what really panicked me is a conversation I had with a friend. She told me not to be surprised if he starts lashing out a bit. In times of grief, people can say very hurtful things. Brirdy hasn’t done this to me, but I have been trying to mentally brace myself for that (and possibly even him breaking up with me again).

I have done what comes natural to me, which is to be there. I believe I said all the right things, they are things that came from my heart – basically that I love him, and that all I want to do is be there for him. If I was in his situation, I think this is what I would want someone to do for me. But he is not me. He needs time to process – and maybe, that processing is something that would happen easier if I am not making a nuisance of myself. I don’t know. My heart just wants to help. What’s making things worse is that I’m starting to obsess… that’s never a good thing. It compounds the problem.
It just so happens that I have this awesome trip to Paris coming up. Despite all my handmade drama, I am so super excited. I haven’t been to Paris in ages. I have fun plans and ideas (not to mention fat pants for all the eating I’ll probably do). I leave Thursday, and I guess I’ll be out of the picture for a good 10 days or so. I’m sure that will be good for both of us. In the meantime, I have to be smart. I can’t let any of my own darkness to come out and make things worse.