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Lavender lattes: it’s a full blown obsession now. I have to figure out how to make them.

Sorry I haven’t written much lately. Sometimes life just isn’t all that exciting and so there is no point boring anyone with the minutiae. All is well. Next month I should have a fabulous post to write. I am super looking forward to seeing Crazy Kat in Portland (I’ve never been that far west before), and hopefully there will be  a little excursion into Seattle as well. I adore CK, and I always have the best time in her company. If you read my blog regularly, you know how much I love to travel. I try to see a new place every year, it’s one of my goals. Food, art, and travel; these are my passions in life. When I travel, I usually get to satisfy all three, so there is really nothing I anticipate more than a holiday away from my little cubicle at work. And anticipation? In my book, that’s half the fun.

Things are going well at work. I have a new boss. She started several weeks ago, and so far she seems absolutely lovely.  It’s a pleasure working with her. My new team that I got moved to is awesome too. It’s all good in the hood. I actually just celebrated my two year anniversary with the company. That’s a record for me since being back in Florida. Truth be told, however, I’m feeling kind of burnt out. Work has been trying, and a break is long overdue.

So what else? Well I went on a few dates. Nobody worth pursuing romantically, but I did meet a guy who I developed a friendship with. He is very sweet, I just didn’t feel any sparks. I want sparks.  I’m not going to settle. I’d rather be alone than with the wrong man, and being alone is no longer feeling as burdensome as it used to. So this guy, I’m not terribly attracted to him, and his life situation is not conducive to a relationship, but he makes for an awesome friend. We text often and go out to eat every once in a while. It’s nice to having company and to  have someone I can be a bit silly with, but that’s all it is. We don’t do anything more than hug. This time around I’m a lot more selective. Do you know what else? These days I just tell a guy if I’m not feeling anything. Before I used to be so afraid of not hurting anyone’s feelings. Now I just tell them in the kindest way I know how, that I don’t want to pursue anything. And do you know what? I learned that most men appreciate this. Honesty really is the best way to go. From personal experience, I learned that there are few things worse than having your emotions toyed with, so this is why I force myself to be direct. Life is too short to do otherwise. I guess this means I’m learning to value myself better.

I guess you can say that these days I’m dating myself. I try to follow what makes ME happy, and frankly, I’m pretty freaking good at it. I might just be my best boyfriend evvvvvaaaaa. In fact, just yesterday I took myself out for the most delicious lavender latte at a charming little local tea shop called The Modern Rose. And today we (and I use the word “we” in the sense of the royal we) are going to the movies. I am going to watch Crazy Rich Asians – as we are in the mood for something silly and light hearted. There might be some chocolate covered Godiva macaroons involved (my favorite Scooby snack). Hey … come on… might???? You know they totally are involved LOL.

So anyway, just saying hi. Haven’t forgotten you. Didn’t slip into a black hole in the blogosphere… just laying low a bit. What have you been up to?

Tons of love,

Caroline

Things have been very even and quiet. Nothing monumentally exciting since my birthday post. These days, I’m happy to say, that although there are a few bored days, sad days have declined dramatically, which is completely awesome. Is it because I’m not stressing over any guys anymore? I wonder. As usual, I always try to find happiness where it’s available. I try to relish those those things and immerse myself in them as best I can . Here are some things making me happy at the moment…

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My MacBook Pro. This is my first post written from my very own computer. Although I have yet to get comfortable with all the features, I am loving my new laptop. I was told by a coworker (who used to work at Apple), that what I bought was way too sophisticated for my needs. Whatever dear, whatever. I like knowing that I have the best. It’s a big purchase, so I prefer knowing that by spending extra, I have future proofed my new toy. This little lovely ain’t goin’ nowhere. One of the coolest features is the little strip above the keyboard, the touch bar. Looks the freakin’ business even if I don’t know how to use it too well.

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Retail therapy: yeah, so on that note I do love spending a bit of money. When I’m down, my two go to’s are eating and retail therapy. I get that from my mom. Well hey, at least I’m not smoking crack with Satan, eh? I’m just ringing up charges at Anthropologie. They have some super cute stuff fright now. I got these adoreable chinos for work (which I’ve already worn), plus I bought a dress I liked. I’m waiting for it to arrive in the mail. I hope it fits right. Don’t ask me where I’m going to wear it, that’s irrelevant LOL. Originally it was $228 and I got it on sale for about $80. I adore the cute fish print.

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Rubios fish tacos: speaking of fish, I positively adore the fried fish tacos at Rubio’s. I’d say I’m becoming a regular. Yeah, it’s a chain, but what can I say, when it’s right, it’s right. The Fish Taco Especial? Sooooooooo right. I love the hot and crispy deep fried shell that surrounds the flaky pollock, I love the coolness of the avocado and the sauces they use. I love it how they make everything on the spot and everything is super fresh. Sure, grilled is healthier, and they do that too, but life is short. This is one of my go to’s when I am in need of a delicious treat meal. AND it’s cheap. These are $2 each on Taco Tuesday (though I usually save this for the weekend). These tacos are so much better than what I’ve had in much pricier restaurants. Get these tacos in your belly if this chain exists in your neck of the woods. These really are amazing!!!

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Nail Envy by OPI: I’ve never been one to really care about my nails. I’ve only gotten a manicure once in my life, and probably wouldn’t bother again. I keep my nails kind of short. I wear contact lenses, so it’s not really conducive for putting them in and taking them out. On occasions when I have tried to grow my nails, I haven’t been successful. They aren’t that strong and usually tear when I’m in the shower. Lately, however, I’ve been trying to focus a bit more on self care, and doing my fingernails and toenails is part of that. And you know what? This stuff actually works! It’s not terribly cheap ($18), but this product is definitely worth it. It gives a bit of shine, and my nails have never been stronger or healthier. I don’t intend to grow them long or paint them any colors (I’m not a fan of that look), but they do look very well groomed and kind of elegant. That makes me happy.

Yesterday I went to see Won’t You Be My Neighbor, a beautiful documentary about Fred Rodgers (aka Mr. Rogers), a man whose footsteps of love will echo into time. What an incredibly beautiful soul.  There is a saying I like, “The planet does not need more successful people. The planet desperately needs more peacemakers, healers, restorers, storytellers, and lovers of all kinds.” Mr. Rogers was all of those things. His message touched me deeply. I actually cried several times. Despite that,  watching this movie made my heart feel lighter. I was inspired, and I was encouraged by the simple goodness that we all have inside of us. I know we all want to appear all worldly and cool, but if you think of it, isn’t simplicity and love the highest form of sophistication? Isn’t it the paired down, minimalistic truth of what we supposed to be as humans? I think so. I leave you today with my favorite Mr. Rogers quotes. Reading them makes my heart feel giant, happy, and hopeful.

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Today is the day I turn 43. All is well, and I am happy. Deliriously happy? No. I’d say I’m content and at peace. It’s been nice. Since my last drama filled post, there have been no crazy emotions. I’m feeling very even. I’m finally starting to relax and enjoy the stillness. Sometimes in a public place I might hear a phone text. I check my phone secretly hoping it is for me… it’s not, but I’ve gotten better at that part. Acceptance. One day, when the time is right, it will be for me.

I’ve been spending a lot of time in quiet self indulgence. I light my Diptyque jasmine candle, listen to soothing music, and concentrate on self care. I’ve been paying attention to my nails (something I’ve never done before), I have been using hair masks (another thing I never do), and I just do whatever it takes to show myself that I care for love me. I do things like waking up early in the morning to see the sun rise for the summer solstice. I’ve been spending more time in the company of women. I am learning. I am unfurling.

Slowly.

All is well. What I care most about these days is being happy. That’s my number one. So, today, on my birthday, I made a collage for you of little pictures I’ve been saving on Pinterest. Just things that put a smile on my face. I hope they make you smile too.

So what of the birthday festivities? Well, Friday was super sweet because at work my boss brought in cupcakes and balloons. My team sang me happy birthday and everyone gave me a hug. I felt so incredibly special. On Saturday I just kind of relaxed, did my hair, ate fish tacos and ice cream with my mom. And now it’s Sunday, my actual birthday. My mom special ordered me a strawberry and vanilla Carvel cake. In my family, there is no birthday without an ice cream cake. I ordered my Macbook Pro online. The big 15 inch one I wanted (to balance out the thighs, of course LOL). I’ll be going to pick it up at the Apple store at the mall, have a browse, and then its birthday dinner at my grandmother’s. She’s making ribs, a favourite of mine. She called me today to tell me how much she loves me. How lucky am I?

I may not have romance, but I am surrounded by love. My family, my colleagues, a few dear friends … the Universe has got my back!!! I have everything I need and so much of what I want. I know it will continue to deliver that which is for my greatest good and happiness.

*Birthday kisses to you all*

I love you.

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I had a terrible scare this week I don’t know what happened. But my vision … something happened. One morning I woke up with blurry double vision in my left eye, and I noticed I could no longer see up close. Panic is an understatement dollies. I was considering going to the emergency room.

Monday at work I got to my desk, and after turning in the computer I started to cry. I couldn’t see the words on my screen. I didn’t know what to do. Somehow I made it through until I was able to see a doctor.

Well, to make a long story short, my vision has changed. Apparently this is something normal. When you reach about 40, something happens to your eyes where seeing up close becomes a lot more difficult. I’m not going to die or become blind I relaized, I’m just getting older.  God, was I freaked out. Majorly freaked.

My mom decided it might be a good idea to test my blood. She is diabetic, and it runs heavy in our family history. Eye problems and diabetes go hand in hand, so she asked me to try her blood test machine thingy… guess what? According to my score (107),  I’m pre diabetic. Nice huh? So now I’ve started looking at labels a lot more, and I’m going to make some tweaks to my diet (even though I’m only 122 pounds). Here’s a crazy fact: a woman should not consume more than 25g of sugar a day. A large apple has 23 grams! I eat an apple every day! I’m cutting fruit out of my diet, and I’m watching all the sugars. I realize my Monday – Friday diet has about 40 grams of sugar, and I figured out how to reduce it to 12 grams without going through any inconvenience. I’ll allow myself treats still, on the weekend, but I’ve got to learn to be much more mindful, and only treat myself to foods that REALLY call to me. I’m going to be much more selective in my food choices. I absolutely do not want to be diabetic. I totally don’t want to deal with that shit.

Here is another good one. Last week my boss took me into her office along with the branch office manager. I was told that my work isn’t up to scratch. I’ve been at this company almost two years now. It’s the one concrete thing I have (well, that and my honorary membership into Club Spinster). Damn, if I loose my job I’m I’m going to be devastated. Yeah, there are days I don’t want to go into work, but I like my job (I’d go as far as to say it is essential to my sanity), plus I really love the company I work for. I’m going to work extra hard and do my best to jump through the hoops like a good little show pony. I hope they will see my efforts.

As I feel my life is crumbling, I’ve been feeling especially alone. My mother has been a great comfort to me. I’m also blessed with an awesome grandmother and a father who loves me to bits. I have a couple dear friends — though none live nearby. The eyes, the diabetes scare, the possibility I can loose my job … it makes me feel incredibly vulnerable. I wish I had someone special in my life, that I could lie on his lap, or maybe be cuddled a bit. I wish he would stroke my hair and tell me things would be okay … but that just doesn’t seem to be on the horizon, especially since I’ve taken myself out of the dating pool.

I have my birthday coming up in a couple weeks. I turn 43. The idea of ending my Birthday Challenge and trying to date again fills me with more dread than excitement this time around. I don’t know if I’m strong enough to deal with the emotions. Yes, I always can hope that this time I’ll find the one whose soul loves mine. I love that dream. But I am starting to wonder if it is just a dream. I talk to other women, and I know I’m not alone in this feeling, this general feeling of heartbreak and disappointment. I do know I’ll try again, because that’s just who I am. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to give up on love… but maybe now is not the time. Right now, I want to focus on my job and my health. I don’t think I want to attempt dating until I feel inspired by the prospect. I don’t want to date because of my fear of being alone. I think the Birthday Challenge is to be extended until I feel okay in my skin again.

And this, my dear, is how the sugar free cookie crumbles. Barf… like I’d ever eat that shit.

All is good in the hood. Yeah, I would love a boyfriend and a few million in the bank. Still, things are pretty okay. Sometimes I am suuuuuper bored, and I still suffer with horrible feelings of loneliness (I try to just sit with it, but easier said than done). Overall, however, I’d have to say that life is really alright. Here are some things I’m grateful about at the moment.

Getting my Botox done. It was long overdue. I desperately needed it in order to keep myself looking as serene and peaceful as people who don’t know me too well think I am. People often tell me I exude this aura of peace … little do they know what a total spaz I actually am. It’s my quiet voice and my gentle nature. I think you guys know, however, that under my skin I’m just the slightest bit bat shit.

As I don’t have a love interest in my life, I have been somewhat slack when it comes to maintenance (I love not having to shave!) but gosh, it feels good to get have my face back in order. I been spending just a teensy bit too much lately, so for financial reasons, I held off. Sadly, Botox ain’t cheap- if it was I’d probably tox myself up till I was a waxwork — I really do love the stuff. I realize not all of you will find being poked with a needle and injected with a form of botulism as a form of self care, but for me, it absolutely is.

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Right next to where I get my Botox done is a little restaurant that has been on my radar for several months: The Hummus House in Ft Lauderdale. Good hummus makes me terribly happy. Good hummus with nice pita and two fat triangles of baklava … heaven, and so that’s exactly what I had. I loved this little place. Service was fast and friendly, the place was super cute, but most importantly, the flavors and textures were just completely on point. I will definitely be going back.

So … let’s see… what else is good?

Screen Shot 2018-05-27 at 4.33.50 PM.pngRetail therapy… that’s been making me happy. I bought a lovely Tory Burch tunic. It looks so classy and sophisticated. I love the mandarin style collar and the deep slit down the front that makes this top ever so slightly sexy. It was pricy, but it was on sale, so whatevaaaa. I also bought a very over priced maxi dress *shrugs shoulders.* Have I ever mentioned how I love maxi dresses?! They are a woman’s best friend because they allow you to eat tons of food but still look very feminine and pretty. If you see a dazzling woman at the buffet with the flowy dress pushing you aside, that would be me dear *smooches.* Don’t hate.

The movie: I Feel Pretty. I saw it with my mom. It’s certainly not going to win any awards, but it was silly and fun, and it made me laugh. Sometimes that’s all you need, a good laugh, some entertainment, and wonderful company.

Triscuits: they seem to be an acquired taste, I’m not sure why. I fucking love those those things. Triscuits, a few squares of cheese, and I am a happy camper.

I’m making more female friends. You have no idea how much I value that. Us women, we get each other. I love being in the company of kind, smart women. Sometimes I forget, in the midst of all the guy drama I’ve encountered, that having fab women around me is just as important as having a man in my life.

Having Memorial Day off. What is more blissful than waking up on a Monday knowing you don’t have to endure the daily grind? Fucking priceless dollies!

Hope all is well with you, and that despite the daily shit blossoms that irreverently rear their ugly heads, that you are also managing to find the good in the mundane and the fabulous.

Tons of love,
Caroline

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I think about love. I think about it a lot. Maybe it is because I don’t have it. Maybe because I always think it’s the missing link that is going to give me the key to open the door to happiness (yeah, yeah, happiness is inside of me, I heard that one). I’ve been thinking about soul mates. Sometimes they call it twin flames. Other cultures and religions have different names for it. It is a common theme in love.

 

Do you believe in soul mates? I never did. Maybe you will find that odd coming from me, the airy-fairy, unicorn riding Caroline. I believe that I read somewhere that there are 7 billion human inhabitants on this earth, so imagine for a moment that only one of these people is your soul mate. Consider these things: What makes you think you would run into them? What if they live on some remote little island? What is the probability that they speak the same language? That they are within an acceptable age range to you? Or that there will even be mutual attraction.

 

To believe that there is only one special person tailor made just for you? Honestly, I find that depressing, if not completely horrific. The odds of winning the lottery seem better than running into this magical creature.

 

So what do I believe? I believe that there are oodles of “ones” rather than “the one,” but there are a lot of factors to take into account that can disturb the delicate balance. Timing is a big one, our mental state/ how we are feeling when we do meet one of our possibilities, as well as tons of other factors. Everything has to be just right to cultivate the sort of environment that would allow love to bloom … and when it does? It is pure and unadulterated deliciousness. But if you have experienced that deliciousness, you know it’s temporary.  Science confirms this. Romantic love can exist for a very long time, but it evolves. After a while your heart doesn’t flutter when you see them. This doesn’t mean you aren’t happy to see them, it just means that the euphoria fades. The drug like high we get just isn’t sustainable in the long term. It makes us kinda stupid anyway lol — don’t lie, you know EXACTLY what I’m talking about lovelies. This is why, I believe, the fairy tales always end with the marriage where the couple end up living “happily ever after.” WTF does that mean? Does she eat bon bons while sitting under a cherry tree as he goes to work? Does she raise their children and wash the skid marks out of his underwear? Does he cheat on her as she is blissfully unaware? Do they stay forever young and beautiful, never facing any pain or obstacles because they are just so in love. Come on, you know how dumb that sounds. Any way it unfolds, don’t they just go back to real life again?

 

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I feel that the whole soulmate thing is completely bullshit. It’s a fairytale that can be dangerous because it creates unrealistic ideas about what love should be: two imperfect people who care enough not to give up on each other, despite the bad times and sometimes poor choices.

Let’s face it, nobody is perfect, and nobody’s relationship is perfect. The most wonderful partner still can make us cry or be a total pain in the ass. Still, we love them. It doesn’t really diminish the relationship, it’s just real. Soul mates? Not so real in my opinion. What do you think?

Okay, so yeah, I have written about visiting NYC maaaaaany many times. Maybe you even got your barf bag ready, cause here Caroline goes again. But whateva, cause the place is just so beyond fabulous, dollies. I will never get sick of it, I will never stop going, and I’ll never stop writing about it. It is a constantly evolving city, and there are always new and wonderful things to eat, see, explore, and do. Still, I’m going to be easy on you and just share the highlights.

Pancakes. As per usual, I gorged myself on all manner of goodies, from my Levain cookies, to Grom gelato,  to the deservedly infamous lobster roll at Pearl Oyster Bar, and I finally managed to try the incredible pineapple linzer cookies at Te Company. But what completely blew my mind (or belly) into the cosmos was two delicious types of pancakes I discovered for the first time.

  • Exhibit A: The blubbery calfoutis at Le Coucou. Le Coucou is a very fancy French restaurant in the downtown area. I’d love to have dinner there but I’d feel a little self conscious going on my own for a larger meal — I’ll get over that, but CrazyKat, we have a date, okay? That, and Lobster Rumble,  girlie. The restaurant itself is stunning and sumptuous. It requires you to get a bit dressed up (but I imagine breakfast is more casual than dinner, and also you don’t have to make a reservation then). I sat my fat ass down on a velvet tuffet as the most beautiful pancake ever was set before my beady little eyes.  Oh, and do you know dollies, it was just as delicious as it looked. I loved the added touches of the cream quenelle dusted in lime zest.

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  • Exhibit B: The pancakes at Chez Ma Tante were completely the opposite. The didn’t win the pancake beauty contest like the one at Le Coucou, as they were much more rustic looking, but ooooooooh. And oooooooooooh. Okay so these had the most incredible texture for a pancake that I have yet to encounter (and yes, I did try the ones at Cinton Street Baking Company… good, but meh in comparison). These were crunchy on the outsides, fluffy on the inside, with the faintest hint of lemon, covered in maple syrup and a healthy pat of buttah (it’s good for the skin dont’cha know). And it happened to be just DEVINE. Yep, totally freaking swoon-worthy. Okay, so I should mention that technically these are in Williamsburg, not NYC, but go. Gooooooooooooo!

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Seeing an artist at work. As you know I love street art. I happened to be in Williamsburg while the Moniker Art Fair was in progress (which I went to). In conjunction with the fair, a very famous street artist known as D*Face was finishing up a piece, and I happened to see him action, which was very special for me.

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Speaking of art, another highlight of my trip was taking part in an exhibit by Candy Chang. I am a huge fan of hers, I have been ever since I saw her Ted Talk. I always wanted to write on one of her “Before I Die” walls, but I have never encountered one in my travels thus far. This, however, was just as cool, if not cooler. The exhibit was at a lesser known NYC museum, The Rubin Museum of Art. The exhibit was called “A Monument for the Anxious and Hopeful.” There were two walls. On one wall people were invited to write  one of their hopes and include it with the other contributors. On the other wall, visitors wrote their anxieties. What people wrote ran the gamut from funny to very deep and real. It struck a very personal cord with me. I loved being able to share my own and be a tiny part of this beautiful collective.

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I love knowing that somewhere in this picture, is one of my own.

Treating myself. Well, the truth is, all of my vacations are about indulgence in some way. Food, art, and sometimes (but not always) there are goodies involved. I’m not really one to collect souvenirs, but I did see something quite special at Bergdorf Goodman that I could not resist. It was a bit of an extravagance, but you only live once. I am a great believer in treating oneself to the finer things, when and if it is possible, because we are the only one we can truly count on at the end of the day.  My mom always says, “I buy myself flowers, because if I have to wait for a man to do it, I might grow a beard.” Yeah well, I bought myself the moon, and strung it along my neck. I have always wanted a pretty moon necklace. I’m a Cancer, so it’s my sign. The moon is also supposed to be a representation of feminine energy/power. Who would have guessed? Me, Caroline, that’s who.

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So I have a confession to make. I slipped. After about 4 months of no contact with Birdy, I texted him. You guys know, despite the things I’ve written, that he will always have a place in my heart. Like it or not. It’s just fact. I don’t want to love him. Not after the way he has treated me (or more correctly, his lack of treatment altogether). But if you read my blog, you know that I do love him.  My heart and my brain argue constantly on this subject. I got a little triggered. It was that sappy 80’s music, but there I was in the mall, spending ungodly amounts of money on things I don’t need, when the emotions took hold. The Devil totally made me do it. Or Journey. Whatever. It totally lead me down the wrong path. Note to self on the 1980’s: bad hair, bad fashion choices, and bad for my decision making skills.

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If only I was that special kind of human that can dismiss someone without thought … no, that will never be me. God, please grant me that superpower in my next life.

Yeah, so I sent a text via WhatsApp. And I waited. Then I waited some more. Inside I could feel a sickening mix of hope and anxiety. And then, after 7 hours, the two blue ticks appeared, indicating that he read my message.

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And I waited. And I waited some more. And then some more… and then some more. And can you guess that happened? Ha, yes! So right dollies… nothing happened. There was no reply. And then from the hours of 11 to 2 I cried.

In those hours I heard from Mr. Big. Remember him? He gave me some good and constructive advice. The same advice that everyone else gives me, the advice that only an outsider who is not emotionally invested is able to give. It did help me to feel better, I must admit. But it didn’t erase the feelings of embarrassment and hurt that had embedded themselves within my heart. I know I kind of deserved it. It was so stupid of me. What did I expect?

I know Birdy’s decision not to reply to me is one which I need to respect and honor. I will not pursue it. Anyway it’s too hard. His rejection leaves me feeling completely stripped of dignity. It was always that way when it came to him. I now understand why. And perhaps it is a Pandora’s Box best left locked. But you know it fucking hurt, don’t you? Rejection always hurts, but when it’s from someone you love… it’s the bitterest, ugliest pill there is.

I know I have to take this rejection and transform it into something constructive. That’s the plan anyway. Watch this space. Next stop, NY.

It has been about two weeks into my Birthday Challenge. I haven’t logged into any dating websites. Tito is still around, but less so. Though he is still present as my friend, I can feel him backing off and not really wanting to see me as much as he used to. It’s okay. I place no blame on him for that, I guess it’s to be expected. He isn’t meant for me, and that is okay. Totally.  I still think he is a great guy. Just not my guy. When it’s right, I won’t have to convince someone to be with me, they will WANT to be there. Over the two weeks I’ve had a fews highs and lows. This time, there is no masking the lows with cute texts from a hot guy. I have to resort to other measures. One of my favourite ways to get happy has always been to count my blessings and remember the things I love. So I guess now is as good a time as any for my next 100 Things I Love post.

  1. Strangers who become friends
  2. Little Moir’s Food Shack in Jupiter, Florida.Screen Shot 2017-09-03 at 11.02.37 AM
  3. Getting to see Dita Von Teese’s Art of the Tease in Miami, that was a bucket list thing for me.
  4. The supply closet at work. I do like to help myself LOL.
  5. Making someone’s day a little better
  6. Birkenstocks: I know lots of people find them to be quite hideous (especially men), but I have to say that I completely adore mine.
  7. Sneaking out of work a few minutes early … sometimes more than a than a few
  8. Diet Coke. I kicked my nasty habit and now I’ve returned to it. *sigh*
  9. Hanging out with the girls
  10. Having the friendship I now have with my ex husband. It means so much to me, more than I’m really capable of expressing. It’s a balm to my soul.Screen Shot 2018-04-14 at 2.17.16 PM
  11. Original glazed Krispy Kreme donuts when they are fresh and still warm. It’s like eating a sugar cloud(s) of love! (Come on guys, you know I don’t stop at one LOL)
  12. Taking walks
  13. Nachos, fully loaded please. Lots of guacamole and sour cream!
  14. Dresses that make me feel pretty and look thin. I’m partial to maxi dresses that allow me to eat lots but still look good. It’s kind of like a fashionable moo moo. Well you know, what do you expect after a mountain of nachos?
  15. “Ah-ha” moments
  16. Scarface
  17. Feeling wantedff94fdba65d5cc1ec1fbda3972a7151f
  18. My femininity
  19. Fresh pineapple when it’s sweet and juicy. Which other fruit comes with it’s own crown?
  20. Being still. I don’t mean not moving, I mean not feeling the need to act or react. Instead, making the choice to just “be.” I am far from an expert at this, but it’s something I’m working on. This works so well for me when I’m successful at it.
  21. An open heart and an open mind. Such a beautiful combination.
  22. That I finally have a car
  23. When I earn a Fitbit badge
  24. Crispy fish fingers with tartar sauce and lemon
  25. Full, soft lips4748dc1ca0526371fe6a7b07a656c627
  26. When I guy I like tells me I’m beautiful
  27. Not having to shave my legs when I’m single (or anything else, for that matter)
  28. Discovering a cool new song on YouTube … the more obscure the artist, the happier it makes me.
  29. Groupon. So okay it twists my arm to spend more money than I should, but I do love an amazing bargain.toast
  30. R1 Coffee for the most delectable avocado toast.
  31. Books & Books in Coral Gables, probably Florida’s coolest bookstore.
  32. Patty Cake$ — a very cool movie that never made it into popularity, but surely deserved it.
  33. When I return stuff and I see the money going back onto my credit card. It’s ridiculously satisfying.
  34. Chocolate covered graham crackers
  35. When my eyebrows are perfectly groomed. I’m definitely an eyebrow person. I’m not into all the pencil work people do (it’s too fake for me), I just like a perfectly tweezed brow.
  36. Gwpaddict.com a very cool website that lets you know which skincare and makeup brands are giving away free goodies with purchase.
  37. Kerastase’s Oleo Relax … the best hair product for frizzy manes. It’s expensive, but it actually works. It also happens to have the most amazing scent.
  38. The smell of toasted raisin bread
  39. The times when I am able to handle my difficulties with grace.
  40. Men with muscular arms… so sexy. And if there also happen to be tattoos??? Well, I kinda die a little.
  41. Having my hair done at an upscale salon, and leaving feeling fancy AF.
  42. When someone lets me in front of them at the supermarket.
  43. My vulnerability. Even though it opens me up to hurt, it also leaves the door open to let the magic in.
  44. Feeling my own power. It doesn’t happen every day, but when I am able to tap into it, it’s positively exhilarating!Untitled copy
  45. Ashley Longshore, a New Orleans artist who makes me laugh out loud. I just adore her. Do follow her on Instagram.
  46. Le Tub in Hollywood, Florida. I love chilled the atmosphere, and the burger is freaking fine! It makes me feel like I’m on vacation.
  47. Going out of my comfort zone, it’s where the magic happens.
  48. Kissing
  49. The street art scene in Bushwick, Brooklyn. It was there that I discovered the most beautiful piece of street art I had ever come across.
  50. ABC Carpet and Home – expensive but filled with treasures. The place is positively dreamy. It’s like Anthropologie on steroids.
  51. Slumber parties
  52. Selfies that I actually look good in
  53. Stranger Things, a TV series I love on Netflix
  54. Being toasty warmdf82e3dec75b63c403e8891c325a2d47
  55. Pizza: a love triangle which I can totally get into.
  56. Raggedy Ann, I have loved her since I could remember.
  57. People who are honest and real.
  58. When someone buys me a food treat.
  59. Oysters … who would have guessed?
  60. Impromptu adventures
  61. Tying up loose ends
  62. Easy days at work
  63. Kind words
  64. Tatcha’s Koyoto red lipstick. I have been looking for my perfect red for the longest time. Apparently, this is a universal red that looks good on every woman.
  65. Knowing that I have everything I need and most of what I want.
  66. Reminders that someone you love, loves you too (I’m not just talking about romantic love).
  67. The Biltmore in Coral Gables. I felt blessed to be able to spend the night there when Krazy Cat came to visit me. AND I got to have afternoon tea.
  68. Romantic friendships and friendly romances. It’s something Gabrielle Bernstein discusses in her book, “Spirit Junkie.”
  69. Love bruises, I find them completely erotic. Is that odd?
  70. Going to the Standard Spa in Miami. Utter luxury. Awesome memories. A steam room and hamam that makes me feel like I’m in heaven.
  71. Generosity
  72. Dipping my feet in the water.
  73. Watching a great Bollywood epic
  74. Genuine smiles, the ones that start from the heart and make other people smile too.tracey-emin-be-brave-800x800
  75. Tracy Emin
  76. Living somewhere that doesn’t get winter.
  77. Feeling childish enough to be silly and let my inner dingbat roam free.
  78. Seeing the people I love laughing and smiling. It makes my heart feel light.
  79. Super shiny lip balm
  80. The family environment we have at work. It makes tough days a lot more manageable.240eb61701ee0c59d9e5a5bde8672653.jpg
  81. Romance
  82. Making my Fitbit goals for the day. These days it’s 20,000 steps.
  83. Stepping back. I am learning that not everything requires me to act or react. Sometimes the best thing to do is nothing. I’m slowly learning how to release control and allow the Universe to do her thing.
  84. Colored contact lenses, a fun but dramatic way to play with my looks.
  85. Hope4c62825d819c0dc36c468fa764aab7cb
  86. Jasmine tea
  87. Waking up like a tiger… “rawr”!!
  88. La Maison du Chocolate
  89. Keeiping a journal (aka recording the crazy)
  90. Bumble bees. They make honey, they fly, and they wear glamorous fur coats.
  91. Benetint by Benefit. I’ve been using this lip and cheek stain since it came out. It’s is completely weightless and looks so natural.
  92. When my BirchBox comes in the mail.
  93. Making amends, because life is way too short to hold grudges.
  94. Yayoi Kusama and her Infinity Mirrors
  95. The smugness I feel when my iPhone falls, and the screen shattered, but it’s only the glass screen protector. Caroline will not be thwarted.
  96. Lobster sushi from Sushi Yama
  97. Browsing through the books and magazines and Barnes & Noble in a comfy armchair (and their chocolate cupcakes slide into my belly quite nicely)
  98. New sneakers
  99. Seeing good things happen to people I love.
  100. That no matter how bad I sometimes feel, I have the courage to keep going. We are so much stronger than we ever give ourselves credit for.

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Tito’s rejection really threw me more than I cared to admit. To his credit, he was kind, and he did, in fact, continue our friendship, but boy was I down, fucking depressed actually. I still am. The truth is, It’s all my own fault. I can’t blame Tito for this. He has actually been incredibly decent, a true gentleman. In fact, the way that he handled the situation makes me like him even more (it would be easier to be mad at him and not like him anymore, but the fact is he is pretty awesome). The other night we were texting on WhatsApp and he made me realize that what I’m doing just isn’t working. What I need to do is take action. What I have concluded is that the best action, in the romance department, is no action at all. I tried. I tried so hard … too hard.

Goal: I want to be happy

Thought: My desire to be loved is making me miserable (dare I say to the point where I am no longer finding joy in life – it is truly that bad. I feel awful and hopeless, and I’m just wanting to give up … pretty much on everything). In the last few years I have been absolutely obsessed with the idea that I need to find someone to love and be loved by in return. The results have been absolutely catastrophic to my mental health. I know this. Love isn’t about fun anymore, it’s more about desperation, and I am so sick of being in despair. For fuck sake, I’ve become more of miserable goth now than I ever was in high school, and quite frankly, it feels like shit. Yeah black is sexy and slimming, but being depressed? So ovah!!!

Action: As we enter the new month of April, maybe this is as good a point as any to start something new. Maybe I’ll just give the whole dating deal a rest for now. The highs and lows I am experiencing from dating really aren’t doing me any good. I feel like crap. Too much of my heart and mind is being focused on wether or not someone loves me. Well, what if I cut that out? What if I just stopped trying? What if I give myself a break? What would happen?!?!?!

Action: I am going to revisit the Birthday Challenge. No more dating websites, no more reaching out to men for the purpose of filling this ugly hole in my heart. Though they make me feel better for a little while, the hole just seems to be made deeper once they leave. I think I have to start letting it heal the old fashioned way: with a little time and introspection.

Do you have any idea how much mental energy I give to finding a partner? Maybe you have some idea if you have been reading my blog on a regular basis, but truthfully, it doesn’t even scratch the surface. It’s time to give this a break. I want to see what else I can do with my energy. I want to see what other goals I can focus on.

Yes, I do want a partner, but I DO actually have other goals too. They just kind of got pushed to the side. It’s time to move those to the front and put the relationship stuff on the back burner, because quite frankly, it just isn’t fun anymore. These days it’s downright painful. Here is a list of what I’d like to accomplish as my birthday gift to myself:

  • A steady and upbeat mood
  • Physical well being, I’ve been letting myself go and have lost some of the hard earned progress I worked so hard for. I want to feel better about my appearance.
  • Pride in my work
  • Effort into my friendships
  • Caring about myself and how I feel above all others… aka learning to be selfish.

As a reward, not only do I expect to have accomplished much, but I think some fabulous vacation will be in order. Krazy Cat… you reading this girlie? Let’s plan something! Also I think I’m going to finally buy myself the laptop I’ve been wanting at the end of it. That would be kind of a cool birthday present.

Yeah, fuck boyfriends (for now).