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Well, it didn’t work out with Prince. Did you foresee that one my lovelies? It ended about a month ago. The red flags were bountiful, but starving hearts eat lies when they are hungry. Such was the case with little piggy Caroline. I won’t go though the litany of details, because quite frankly I’m ashamed of myself for not leaving much earlier like any normal person would have. To summarize, even though it started off beautifully, there ended up being loads of drama and tons of lies. At the end, our relationship really started to feel awful. It was time to walk away. Suffice it to say, I’m back where I started, which I guess wasn’t anywhere that horrible to begin with. It is lonely at times, sure, but I’ve learned how to cope with that.

Shortly following the breakup, I was feeling kinda low. Prince became a big part of my life. We would spend loads of time together, and now there was just empty space. I felt hollow and sad.  It was time to lift my vibration. That’s Law of Attraction speak for “getting my groove back.” So how did I attempt to do that? 

Eating good food. When in a relationship I tend to eat more, and not necessarily healthy stuff. I just don’t feel good about myself when I start putting on weight on. My clothes get tight and uncomfortable, and I don’t feel pretty. It kind of puts a buzz kill on everything for me. For better or for worse, my walks that ended at the Italian bakery for the cheesecake I loved so much are a thing of the past. For the time being, I’m saying no to stuff that isn’t good for me (well, Monday though Friday at least). I’m focusing on eating better quality, natural foods, and I’ve reduced my consumption of Diet Coke. The weight loss is slow going, but then again, it always is. It’s about staying focused and committed and not giving up. I’m going to NYC again in a few days, so that’s not going to help, but whateva. Slim thighs may just have to wait just a bit longer. 

Consuming happy thoughts. What you put in your head is just as important as what you put into your body — if not more. When a relationship ends, it’s not uncommon for your partner to insult you, and unfortunately, sometimes those insults stick and burn ugly holes inside you. Alright, so maybe watching episode after episode of the Marvelous Mrs Maisel and Fleabag (on Amazon Prime) aren’t going to enrich me exactly, but they were welcome distractions when I needed them, funny and entertaining. It doesn’t always have to be educational. Sometimes feeling good is  enough. And if you aren’t at the point where you are ready to feel good, amusingly distracted is okay too. It’s certainly a step in the right direction. Never be annoyed with yourself for not being able to jump from point A to point B on the emotional spectrum at the snap of a finger. It just doesn’t work that way. Baby steps are quite alright. 

Moving: I hate exercise. Abhor it. It’s been months (maybe more like year) since I set foot in the gym, and that wasn’t about to change. I do walk loads though and set myself a lofty Fitbit goal. Things slipped. I’m now back on track and feeling better about myself. Getting outside, fresh air, the sun on my skin, it does wonders. Another active thing I like to do?  I blast some kick ass music on my headphones and dance in my underwear. Don’t ask LOL. All I can tell you is that this ritual of mine feels super uplifting. Instant happiness.

Being social. I’m an introvert so this doesn’t come easy, but I’ve been putting myself out there. When you feel low, the last thing you want to do is be friendly, but it works a certain sort of magic.  I talk about my feelings to whoever will listen. I talk extremely openly, because by being so honest, it opens the door for others to be honest in return.  And I smile. And people smile back, and I can’t tell you why exactly, but there is something very reassuring when someone you don’t really know returns your smile. It’s like a secret code of good will and positive energy.

Looking to the future with happy expectation. I thought after Prince I probably would just give up on the whole dating thing. No. I won’t. I believe that love is out there. Maybe it doesn’t come wrapped in the pretty ribbon I had imagined, but I still believe that the Universe has my back. Sometimes people leave our lives for the simple fact that they aren’t meant to stay. That is okay. What’s mine will find me. But looking to the future isn’t just about romance, it’s also about planning things I can look forward to. For example, I love stand up comedy. I’ve been lucky enough to see Joan Rivers preform (right before she died), and also Chris Rock. Now I’m going to see Jim Gaffigan. It’s not till December, but I’m super excited about it.  As always, I  will continue plan little getaways and restaurant dates (even if those dates are by myself). I love my little adventures.

I recently did hear from Prince. His father passed away from cancer. I was very sad to hear the news, as his dad was a lovely man. This post is not about dragging Prince through the mud. Sometimes two people are just not a match, and trying to hammer a square peg into a round hole is just painful and futile. I feel that such was the case with us.  He may be a prince, but he isn’t MY prince. We shared some very happy times together that I will treasure in my memories. There are no hard feelings, I send him my love and good wishes.

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Fin DAC & Kevin Ledo collaboration in Wynwood, Miami

Hello my lovelies, I’ve not written in a while. Kind of been laying low. How was the start to your New Year? It’s not a favorite holiday of mine (because I always wish I had someone special to celebrate it with), but it was okay actually. I rang it in with one of my favorite treats: a Godiva chocolate covered macaroon. So yeah, not earth shatteringly awesome, but not bad. The good news is, I didn’t spend it feeling sorry for myself. That’s progress.

Since I last wrote, my friend T lost her battle with cancer. That was pretty major. But the thing is, it was inevitable. I knew it was going to happen. I just didn’t know when, and I was dreading finding out. When it did happen, I was deeply sad, but not surprised. She practically lived in the hospital. Always in and out, always breaking bones, and she had constant trouble with her breathing. At the end of her life, she was carrying an oxygen tank with her wherever she went. T was definitely a fighter though, and always hopeful.  Always making plans, assuming that there would be a tomorrow. I feel so blessed that my life path ran parallel to such an amazing and loving human being. She was my sister, just not by blood, and I will always love her dearly.

I’ve gone on a few dates, though nobody is worth actual mention. I continue to put myself out there believing that one day, it’s going to happen for me. It’s encouraging that at my age I still get attention from very eligible and attractive men. Last week a rather handsome guy took me to Wynwood to check out some street art and chow down on the uber fabulous fried chicken at KYU. I honestly can’t remember having better (this was my second time going). That sauce it comes with … well, that must be what people mean when they say “awesome sauce.” Chicken was followed by some deliciously sweet and fluffy coconut cake. I’m not sure what it says about me that I talk about the food with so much more excitement than the man. He was nice … meh … nice. I’m not looking for NICE, I want to FEEL something… you know? Like with the fried chicken LOL. Passion. I seem to be no closer to finding love since I last wrote, but I keep trudging on.

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As for work, its been crazy as usual, but I actually had a very good month. I must have been a very good little show pony, as I was recognized as the best on my team for December. Plus, two of my customers left me great feedback on good service I provided. I must admit, it felt great to be recognized. I really did work hard. I hoping 2019 might have a promotion in store.

And that, my dears, is really it. What’s been going on with you? I wish you everything good and sweet in 2019 and always.

Tons of love,

Caroline

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I had this picture saved in my Pinterest. It always made me smile and made me think of  T and I. We actually used to dress just like that when we were not in our school uniforms. She was the blonde, and I was the brunette. We were not necessarily alike, but we were like sisters.

I don’t have lots of friends. Despite the impression you may get of me from reading my blog, I’m not the most sociable person in the world. I would definitely classify myself as an introvert. Although I consider myself friendly, and I believe I can pretty much get along with anyone, I am very quiet in person. I worry that some people see me as stand offish. I’m not, actually.  I just will never be the type who has hundreds of Facebook friends or Instagram followers, and I am totally okay with that. I like who I am. I like it that the people I do become close with are people I sincerely love and value.

I have never spoken about T here before. T is my best friend since I was 3 years old, she lives far away in Connecticut where I grew up. T and I met in nursery school. It’s odd, but I still remember the day that I met her 37 years ago. I remember she was wearing a denim dress with a pocket. In the pocket was a little red handkerchief. She was dressed kind of like my favorite doll: Raggedy Ann. I can’t remember if it was her first day of school or mine, but I do remember that we bonded over crayons and a coloring book. We were friends from that moment on.

Life was never easy for T. Even while I knew her, she went through some really bad stuff I would not know about till many years later. She was fighting battles nobody knew about, yet she was always there for me.

We kept in touch through college, and then lost touch when I met the man I would later marry. Many years passed. After my divorce and my return to America I reconnected with T via Facebook. That was one of the best things to come out of my returning home. We picked up right we we left off. It was great. She could not be closer to me than one of my blood sisters.

In our years apart, T had suffered a lot: diabetes, cervical cancer, breast cancer, a double mastectomy, a hysterectomy (just to name a few). Despite this, she was a survivor. Recently she started with breast reconstruction. It was two years after surviving breast cancer. It seemed like things were moving forward. It wasn’t going smoothly, but it was going. I was (and am) so proud of her.

After coming home from New Orleans, she delivered the most shocking news: she has terminal cancer. What?!?! I can not get my head around it. My best friend is going to die. This is the only woman outside of family to ever tell me she loved me. I didn’t (and don’t) really know what to say. I can’t even accept that this is true. 

I think she is avoiding me. For the past week I’ve tried to call her a couple times, and I sent her a few texts, but she doesn’t seem to want to talk to me. I respect it, I mean, I know this has nothing to do with me. She is trying to process her fear and grief. She did tell me she was terribly scared. How can she not be?

I hope “terminal” can mean years and years, but according to her, the cancer is all over. She told me she is going to be strong. She says she wants to get old with her husband and is going to fight this thing. She doesn’t know about my blog, nobody does, so it’s safe for me to tell you that she was given a death sentence, and there is no way around this thing. None of us are meant to live forever, but some go earlier than others. I am so sad that her part in my life is coming to an end. I love her so much.