Yes it’s been a long time since I wrote, sometimes I’m too busy living life to write about it (sometimes). For the most part life has been pretty good. Here are some of the things that have put a smile on my face since my last post:

My visit with Crazy Kat. About a month ago the lovely CK came to visit me from Portland. I had the best time. Sometimes you don’t realize how much you miss a person until they are around. CK is the best! She is one of my life’s greatest blessings, and a true friend. She is nothing short of a sister to me. I had the most wonderful time with her, chatting, going for walks around Miami, eating good food, and dipping our feet at the pool at the beautiful Biltmore Hotel. I also finally got to meet Blue Eyes. They guy is absolutely lovely.  I love seeing those two together. Despite their trials, the love they have between them is so obvious — it makes me feel inspired. Anyways, it was a wonderful few days. I hope I can convince them both to come visit more often, and I definitely need to get my fat ass over to Oregon.

Below are a few snaps from our time together:

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Crazy Kat and I spent hours, dipping out feet in this glorious pool. We chatted about everything and nothing.
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Where Vizcaya overlooks Biscayne Bay.
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My first afternoon tea since leaving the UK, inside the beautiful lobby of the Biltmore Hotel in Coral Gables.
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The world’s most incredible key lime pie at The Dutch, inside the W Hotel in South Beach, Miami.

Lobstah sushi: Okay,  so I never thought I’d ever like sushi. I never hated it, but I just could never get into it, and then Tito introduced me to the deliciousness known as lobster sushi. Now the stuff haunts my foodie fantasies. The one he got me was topped with spicy mayonnaise. Mmmm… spicy mayo. Someone at Chanel needs to invent Spicy Mayo No 5 so I can douse it all over me and attract me a man. Who, I ask, would be able to resist me then? I would be freaking unstoppable. They would be stopping on their tracks like a deer in headlights, confounded by my mysterious allure.

My ex. So I am no longer going to refer to my ex as Dr ManWhore anymore, because I don’t see him in that light these days. All is forgiven. Truly. Yeah he did some really bad stuff, but I’m so over it. I think I’m just going to call him Doctor P from this point forward. Recently I got upset over something, and the way that Doctor P patiently listened to me and gave me kind advice meant the world to me. I know he has my back, and genuinely wants my happiness. Who would have guessed that someone who hurt me so badly could be so dramatically redeemed? I love our friendship. I think we are so much better friends than we were husband and wife. Divorce has no winners, but in some strange sort of way I do feel like I won, because I got to keep what meant the most to me from our 18 year romance: a true friend.

Scarface: My favorite TV series ever was The Sopranos. So how I never saw Scarface is a bit of a mystery. I saw it yesterday for the first time. Freaking epic. That is going to go in my top 3 for best movies of all time. It makes me want to be all gangsta and shit. That Tony Montana was a badass mutha fuka. If he was alive I think I’d invite him to afternoon tea. We would drink lapsang souchong from bone china served with delicate cookies powdered in sugar and crack. At that point I  seduce him in a most unladylike fashion, him AND his super hot friend Manny. Manny was some absolutely smokin’ piece of man candy. Caroline gots the hunger for Cuban sandwich right about now *licks lips.* Oh dear, was that vulgar?

This is going to be my theme song for the next few weeks.

Tito. So who is this Tito guy I mentioned? He may not be Tony Montana, but Tito is kinda a badass mutha fuka too.  I don’t have secrets from you guys, but all will be revealed in time. I met him on Match. This thing started off slow, erupted into a bit of a bonfire, and then experienced quite a hiccup which made me feel somewhat unsettled, so I don’t want to say too much just yet. Maybe we will just end up being friends, but lawd, I am greedy. I want more. What I will reveal at the moment is that Tito is completely lovely. He is smart, kind, and I am attracted to him. We spend hours a day texting and talking. I adore his company. We share secrets and common interests (though our personalities are very different), and we have had a couple fun little adventures thus far. I definitely have feelings for him. Definitely. I think it’s mutual (most of the time), but that hiccup left me with some doubts. Well, one thing I do know is that the Universe has my back, so no matter what happens, I need to trust that life is unfolding in a way which will allow my greatest good. I need to be patient, to be still, to trust… and douse myself liberally in spicy mayo so that Tito is helpless to my charms.

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It has been suggested that in times where you feel closure won’t be an option, writing a letter can be a good idea. Just get the feelings out. That’s supposed to be cathartic, but actually it wasn’t. Writing the following letter made me incredibly sad. I am sure in the months that follow, Birdy will pop up somewhere. He might not figure it out yet, but he will: I’m not the kind of woman that will be easily replaced. He will send me some stupid text, “whatcha doing?,” as if none of this ever happened. This time, I will ignore it. I will not continually act the part of the fool. I’ve done it before, and I always end up right back where I started.

So here is the letter I wrote to Birdy. I doubt he will ever see it. He knows of my blog, but I don’t think I was ever important enough to him for him to ever read it. Instead I share it with you.

Dear Birdy,

It was all in my imagination, but I thought when you looked at me you could stare in my heart and see the ME that nobody else could. That’s just how I am, silly with overly romantic ideas. I thought you were smart, good, handsome, and I admired and respected you. I had convinced myself that you were my “one.”

The truth is I could never relax enough around you to feel safe. I was trying too hard. I just wanted to make you happy with me and care for me, and so I walked on eggshells. I wanted to be perfect for you, but I was far from perfect. You always let me know. I was a bad driver, I dressed bad, I was selfish and didn’t “contribute” (I still don’t know if you were referring to money or something else – I was too ashamed to ask), and there were also some occasions where I was too lazy to brush my teeth. You broke up with me for three months for that one. I let my heart break repeatedly so I could keep you close. But we were never actually close, were we? You wouldn’t let me in.

I know you didn’t respect me. I could tell by the way you treated me, not answering my texts and always leaving me hanging. Making me feel like I wasn’t even worthy enough to let me know you had broken up with me. That was pretty heartless. Even you have to admit it. You talk to homeless men who stop you on the street. I’ve seen you do it many times. I was a woman who shared your bed and you wouldn’t allow me the same dignity as an unwashed stranger. What makes me so low in your eyes that you felt it was okay to treat me like that? You just completely turned your back on me like I never existed.

I am a human being. I have feelings. In fact I’d say I feel things way more deeply than I should. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve cried for you because at times you made me feel so unwanted. Pathetic? Yes. But I don’t care. You should know these things. You should know it so that if you ever do fall in love, you will know it’s not okay to treat someone you care for like that. It’s not ok to tease starving people with breadcrumbs of affection, even if they are weak and maybe a little stupid. That’s just cruel. It’s like tearing the wings off a butterfly.

It takes a lot to make a heart like mine go cold towards someone I love. I can take a lot of shit. But shit isn’t what I want. I want someone who is capable of seeing what I have to offer as a gift, not something to run from like a coward.

Go. Run away. I release you.

Love Always,
C

Did you ever write a letter to someone just for the sake of writing it? Did it help? I found this painful, and probably wouldn’t do it again. It made me cry and gave me a headache. It was more like opening a wound than letting it heal. This is probably the last post I shall ever write about Birdy (unless I hear from  him, then I’m sure I’ll mention it). I just don’t want to give him any more space. Not on my blog, not in my mind, and not in my heart.

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Sometimes a woman needs to date herself. This was the case even when I was married. I lived a very solitary life as a housewife. My ex was often busy, and was not around much (I wonder why…). I learned that if I wanted to do something I had a choice: I could go alone or not go at all. It wasn’t a hard decision for me. My sister in law would tell me that it was “sad” that I’d do all these things by myself. I would always reply, “What’s sadder, me going alone, or you staying home?” I would go to nice restaurants on my own, shopping, see shows, and even spend a few days in Paris all by myself. It was surprisingly empowering. Believe it or not I have grown to love my little solo adventures. Sure, doing what you love with someone you love is the best, but doing what you love on your own really isn’t that bad… actually it’s kind of awesome. There is something very self indulgent about it. I can do exactly what I want without having to worry about what someone else thinks. I don’t need to care if someone is having a good time. I don’t need to worry about what restaurant someone else wants to eat at, or what kind of schedule they are on. I can spend all my time looking at ballgowns and fantasizing if that’s what I choose. It’s all about me. I have to say, I’m totally ok with that. It’s come to a point that I’m so used to having my solo adventures, that these days, doing things with someone else sometimes feels outside of my comfort zone. I’m not a loner by any means, but my alone time is special to me. I treasure it.

Friday I took the day off from work and got to fulfill a wish of mine: seeing Dita Von Teese perform in one is her burlesque show, The Art of the Teese. I am such a big fan. I love her for her grace, style, talent, her cheeky elegance, not to mention her exceptional beauty. When I found out she was going to be in Miami at The Fillmore, there was nothing that could keep me away. I desperately wanted to go with Birdy, but that didn’t work out. Still, I was going. No man is going to suck the joy out of my life. Yeah, I get hurt and upset (and the truth is I miss him terribly), but ultimately I realize that I do have a say in how happy I get to be. Despite some bad days, I will always choose happiness. ALWAYS.

It’s no secret that I like to treat myself well when I can, so that’s exactly what I did. First stop was a late lunch at The Dutch in the W Hotel in South Beach. I had a yummy spicy  Korean fried chicken sandwich with fries, followed by what I’m guessing is the world’s best key lime pie. It is godly my dears. The holy grail of key lime pie, and believe me, I’ve had a few.  These thighs don’t lie.

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I walked along Lincoln Road Mall, but in all honesty that wasn’t doing it for me. It was 96 degrees out, and I was melting. I persevered. I was going to see Dita.

Just waiting on line at The Filmore was an experience. Some people were dressed to the nines, a la Dita. How I wish I knew how to do my hair Dita style. Note to self: must watch hair tutorials on YouTube. Just people watching was entertaining. But the show itself? It was everything. Dita was glorious!!! Wonderful costumes, dancing, humor… and get this, there was even a real live marriage proposal on stage. My favorite act was the opener where Dita does her famous champagne glass routine. There were also some other awesome burlesque dancers (which I guess gave Dita the chance to rest between sets), and there was a super funny and fabulous master of ceremonies who kept us laughing the whole time. Dita certainly had an awesome “Vontorage.” It was an evening of rhinestones, glamour, and fun. It was something I will never forget, and I’m so glad I went. If you have the opportunity to go, GO! That’s all I can say.

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The moral of this post: don’t be afraid or intimidated from doing things alone. It’s better than doing nothing at all. In fact, you may find yourself in a storm of Swarovski and Louboutins with a supremely delicious key lime pie in your belly. I think we can all agree, there ain’t nothing wrong with that.

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The past two weeks have had its share of ups and downs. The big downer was a very ugly text conversation between Birdy and I.  Suffice it to say, it was nasty, and I doubt there will ever be any further communication between us, which is sad because I really loved him *le sigh.* Unfortunately that’s not mutual. I guess it’s his loss. I don’t know what his problem is. I’m a fucking delight. When the time is right, I’m just going to put myself back on Match.com and try dating again. Till then, I’m just going to be awesome on my own.

Despite this, life has been pretty freaking good to me lately. Here are five things which are making me mightily amused at the moment.

  1. My car. Oh my goodness, it is so fabulous having a car of my own. I’m still getting used to it. I’m a bit of a nervous driver. My car just feels so big (because I’m used to driving my mother’s tiny one). I haven’t been very adventurous… yet. I’ve just been taking myself to work and back, and there was one trip to the mall. That will change as I get more comfortable. It was a little scary for me to spend that much money (I paid in full).  My friend MJ said that the expense was the price of freedom. So right! I really think a lot more doors will be open to me as a result.
  2. My 1 year anniversary at my job came around. I feel blessed beyond measure to have the job I have. The company I work for has excellent ethics, and the people I work with make my job something that I’m happy to wake up early in the morning for. My boss is lovely. Sometimes I feel like my job is one of the best things I got going for me.  Don’t get me wrong, I have days that are utterly craptastic, but on the whole, I can honestly say that I love my job. I can’t wait to get promoted!
  3. Free stuff: I’ve been able to get some lovely free goodies lately.
  • I got a $200 gas gift card that I redeemed from credit card points I didn’t even know I had (and truthfully I don’t understand why I have them, but whatevaaaaa LOL).
  • There was also enough to get a free $15 Panera card. I’m always at Panera.
  • I got a $10 credit from Godiva  (sign up for their rewards card … so worth it). 
  • Best of all, a dear friend helped me to access some airline credit which allows me a free round trip ride to NYC. I’m going in early October. I’m doing it on the cheap, but I know it will get expensive once I get there … that’s how I roll dollies.Screen Shot 2017-08-20 at 4.28.55 PM.png4. I reached my goal weight. My goal was to get to below 120 pounds. I weighed myself on Saturday and the scale registered 118.8. How freaking cool is that? I’m officially thin (kind of). I’m super pleased with myself. If I’m being completely real though, I think I look exactly the same.796adf08508c65a67477248656f6ad7b--brownie-batter-cake-batter.jpg5. Tei Shi’s “Basically”:  I love browsing YouTube and finding artists that I never heard of before. Tei Shi is kind of a gem. My favorite song of hers is called Basically. It’s a great song with an almost 80s appeal and a totally upbeat vibe. It just plain old makes makes me feel good, and isn’t that what life is all about?

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Thank you to all my readers who left me such beautiful comments. You guys remind me that I am not without my blessings. Nobody has sweeter, more well intentioned readers than I do. Some of your words offered me comfort, some offered inspiration, and some were the kick in the ass I probably needed, telling me to stop feeling sorry for myself and move on (nobody’s exact words– I’m just paraphrasing).

The night things ended, I just hurt so much. My face was very swollen and pained from all the crying I did. In the morning I felt a lot better (though still sad), and with that relief came some clarity: the door to Birdy’s heart is a closed one. It’s no shocking revelation dollies. I am not completely clueless. I guess I was hoping that could change. I was hoping he would see how amazing I am and decide to let me in. Well, I guess that was pretty dumb. I have no excuses to make, so I won’t even attempt it. It is what it is.

I don’t want to wallow in my suffering. Life is short, and quite frankly, I’m fucking tired of the hurt. Just once, I want the feeling of being loved just as much as I love. I want to feel safe with someone and valued. I hate what I feel now, that familiar feeling of abandonment, and knowing that I just wasn’t good enough to stick around for. I’m tired of crying. I’m tired of that sickly mix of anxiety and wanting that makes me want to vomit. 

I remember how I felt when I did my “Birthday Challenge” a while back. I think it helped me tremendously.  I dropped out of the romance race for a while. During that time I did my best to feed myself with good thoughts and a bit of self love (some days were more successful than others, as I’m sure will be the case this time around too). I’m going to do that again. It was a very productive time. With the encouragement of someone I love very dearly, I came up with another challenge, similar to the old one, but this one will be more lengthy. During that time, I will not make any attempt to talk to any guys. No Birdy, no dating websites. I am just going to try to focus on feeling good and accomplishing a few personal goals. Should Birdy contact me during that time… I don’t know. I’ll cross that bridge if I get there. 

In the past I have used men to medicate myself so that I don’t have to sit in my loneliness and feel my feelings (not sex, but the euphoria of feeling cared for — or dare I say “loved” — I always found the attention of someone I admired to be positively exhilarating). I spent most of my life suffering from this feeling that I am always on the outside looking in. I have this desperate desire to feel like I’m part of something bigger than myself. For a brief moment surrounded by Birdy and his incredibly wonderful family, I felt part of something, and it was positively delicious. My heart felt so satisfied…. and now it’s gone. Well I guess it’s time to make friends with the emptiness that lives inside of me. I’ve been living with her for a very long time, might as well shake hands and get to know each other. We are so intimate, yet I am always trying to hide her from my own consciousness. I know there is a great lesson to be learned here … but ugh, I’m not sure I’m looking forward to the process.

I end this post with something I heard Gabrielle Bernstein say on YouTube. She advised that when you are overcome with fear and anxiety of the unknown to say this little prayer:

“I choose to see hope in this, and I’m open to creative possibilities.”

I’m going to do just that (because I don’t know what else to do).

I found a speaker on YouTube that I really like. Her name is Gabrielle Bernstein, and one of her videos really inspired me. In the video she mentions that it’s good to ask the Universe for signs that you are on the right path. So I did. I wanted a sign that Birdy and I are meant to be (OMG how completely lame am I?!?!).  I asked the Universe to signify this by showing me a butterfly. I got the sign several minutes later on Instagram funny enough. I wasn’t searching for butterflies. This was just in my feed. It was the tenth picture down.

The butterfly came with a message “let go or be dragged.” I am taking this as my sign that Birdy is indeed for me, but if I want him, I need to let go. I need to learn to hold with an open hand. To be present, but to let go of the need to determine the path of our relationship… to just let it be, and to have faith that the Universe (or what I call God) has my back.
I thought about it about it again several hours later. I take what I call “smoking breaks” at work. I don’t smoke, I never smoked a cigarette in my life, it’s just what I call the little 10-15 min breaks I take to get my steps in (my Fitbit has changed my life, for sure). And can you guess what I saw?!?! Yes! A real live butterfly. It was black and yellow, and it gave me the biggest smile. 
I think I am starting to manifest!

Yeah, I know some people might find my belief in Law of Attraction somewhat batshit, but I absolutely do believe in it. Don’t make me chase you down on my unicorn.

I think if life has one big lesson to teach me, it’s the art of letting go. I lost my attachment to most things. I’m not very sentimental about objects the way a lot of women are. Don’t get me wrong, I do adore designer goodies and beautiful treasures … but I know I can be okay without them, and I’m not too fussed if I loose them. Two times in my life, I have purged the majority of my possessions. The first time was when I left to England to get married, and the second time was when I returned to America as a result of my divorce. I came home with only one suitcase… and do you know what? It was okay. I didn’t really miss anything. It was actually incredibly liberating. Who would have guessed?

One aspect of letting go that I still have a lot to learn though, is when letting go has to do with people. When I love someone, I fight tooth and nail. This is what my heart knows how to do. Slowly my brain is catching up though, telling me that you don’t have to fight for love. If you are efforting (a word I learned from watching a lot of Abraham Hicks videos) so hard, something is just wrong.
So I can talk a good game, but am I putting this into practice? Let’s just say I’m a work in progress. For my birthday, I wish to gift myself with this skill (um… and cake, plenty of cake … cake in Paris). How am I going to do that? Well, I just need to immerse myself in it: books, helpful videos on YouTube, and most important — lots and lots of practice.

Okay, time to hop on to my unicorn and get my ass to Paris! Shenanigans await.

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Ah the existential angst I create…

I have a confession to make. Part of the reason I haven’t written in so long is because I didn’t want to admit that I am seeing Birdy again. His treatment of me in the past, or I should say his lack of treatment, left much to be desired. I was very hurt by the way he broke up with me. I adored him. Truly and absolutely. I developed a love for him that was not dependent on romantic declarations or constant contact, it just WAS … until the day he broke up with me. Actually I still adored him, but I just gave up. I felt that I had lost my dignity in his eyes. If a man can’t give you dignity, then love and respect are surely out of the question. I let go.I did not attempt to make any contact with him, and I did not waver on that. So unlike me really. I always wear my heart on my sleeve, but this time I felt too exposed, I felt shame. I kept to myself as an act of self preservation.

Two months later he got in touch with me. Things did not go back to where they left off exactly. I didn’t become some kind of emotional  powerhouse and Birdy did not offer any declarations of undying love, but nor do I think I was a doormat. There are improvements. Birdy refers to me as his girlfriend now, not his friend. That feels good. And for the first time this week, after I told him I loved him, he actually said “I love you too.” It felt amazing. Maybe he was tired and delirious LOL.

Last Sunday Birdy’s brother committed suicide. I won’t get into the nitty gritty. It’s not my place. Needless to say, his family is inconsolable. Birdy wanted me by his side during what was probably one of the biggest trials of his life. I got to see another side of him. I saw a combination of strength, vulnerability, and immeasurable kindness — and my love for him grew deeper. Friends and family kept coming in and out of his parents’ home, and each time I was introduced I felt the most incredible sense of pride to be introduced as Birdy’s  girlfriend.

Want to hear something wired? Amongst all the faces, I even met one of his ex girlfriends. She came to pay her respects to his family. It was a potentially very awkward situation. The idea of it made me very insecure. Funny enough, she was awesome. We chatted and got along super well. She is the type of girl I would love to have as my own friend. In a situation where I initially felt kind of threatened, I stepped up. I was myself, I was genuine, and I was really proud of myself for not letting my insecurities take over. Test passed.

So why, I wonder, am I suffering from raging self doubt and vulnerability? I have this gnawing feeling in the pit of my stomach, this feeling that I’m not good enough, and that feeling is growing. The truth is I don’t feel pretty enough, thin enough, smart enough, worthy enough. I know he had a lot of girlfriends in the past… and why not? He is single, handsome, successful, smart (I could go on forever). But the point is that there is a little voice inside my head that tells me that I could never compete with the type of women I imagine he has gone out with. In my head I imagine gorgeous young super model type creatures. I am not that. I am fairly pretty, but I’m considered kind of mousy and shy by most people who meet me. In my heart I know I’m a diamond, but for some reason, I don’t shine as bright as cubic zirconia. Does he see me for the woman I am? Or does he see the mouse

I know it takes a king to recognize a queen. I know if he can’t see the light inside me, that it is him who isn’t worthy. I know I am purposely agitating myself for no reason. I know that I am tired and frustrated, and actually kind of angry. Why angry? I’m angry that people don’t see me for who I really am, and angry that I feel overlooked and underestimated. If there is one time and one person who I want to recognize me, the time is now, and the man is Birdy.

I should be deliriously happy, he said the magic words. So why do I feel like I won minor battle in a much larger war? 

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Last night I blocked Mr Big. I had enough. I don’t like who I am when I’m with him, and I don’t like how he makes me feel. The guy just thinks he is, as they say in England, “the dog’s bullocks,” when in fact, he’s just a dick. 

Different guy, but the story is the same. He basically went through a lot of trouble to get my attention so that he could ignore me and make me feel like I had no worth. I’ve been through this many times now. It’s painful, and I’m so sick of it. It’s obviously a pattern in my relationships with men. I’m not exactly sure why I attract this behavior. What do you think? Can you see what am I doing wrong? How do I break the cycle?

As I write this I am so upset. I’ve been sitting on the floor crying… more out of frustration than anything else. I didn’t love Mr. Big. Hell, I’m don’t think I even liked him. I was more interested in the idea of him and the possibilities he could bring into my life. All these guys I meet, it’s the same story. They come on strong at first, and as my feelings develop I see that their hearts are closed doors. They don’t want love. They want a chase, they want to be admired and flattered, but they don’t want anything beyond that. I hate the cynicism that I feel growing. I hate bearing the constant brunt of rejection. I hate how angry I feel at this moment. I’m also so fucking scared. I’m scared that this is all there is. I’m terrified that this is just how my life is going to be. Yes, being single has some great benefits. But let me be real: I am lonely, and feeling lonely is not fun. I know that’s a very unpopular thing to admit, but I don’t blog so I can post a bunch of fake shit for you guys to read. I blog because I need to give voice to my truth. The truth is that I am not alone because it’s my choice, and I love my freedom (though I do try to make the best of it). I’m alone because despite all my efforts, I can’t find a partner. I absolutely can not come to terms with it. I can’t understand or accept it. I know that I deserve more. I have no idea how it’s going to come, but I just have to believe that God is going to do right by me. I was an awesome wife and a good girlfriend … but I’m always left behind, to the point where I now have terrible abandonment issues.

I’m not angry at Mr Big. I knew what I was dealing with. He is who he is. I also know that ending contact with him was the right thing to do. I don’t feel bad about that. I am actually pleased with myself for ending things with a man who put me in a position where I felt that I had to chase him for affection. I have too much to offer than to beg for crumbs. I took a chance, and it failed. Big deal. I actually love that despite all my downfalls, I keep trying. I’m just so frustrated. This too shall pass I guess. I heard a great quote, “nothing in nature blooms all year.” Meaning there is a season for everything. This one is just not mine. I just have to nurture myself and wait for the flowers to come back. I have to have to faith that my blooms will return.

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Mr Big. I don’t think he is going to work. I am not deleting him from my life, I will keep him – but at arm’s length. I just can’t handle the guy.  He rubs off on me in a way which feels very negative and toxic. He makes me feel bad. He says I’m a drama queen. Maybe I am. He is not the first to say so. We are just so different, and I am beginning to doubt we will ever find common ground. I don’t think he is capable of giving me affection in a way which I would find satisfying. When it comes to him I need to expect nothing. And gosh, when I think about that and how absolutely rock bottom my standards are, I feel so deeply sad. There was a moment last week where I felt we really connected, but I’m starting to think that was all in my head.

He likes me most when I’m ignoring him and refusing to meet up. That’s when he makes an effort. That’s when I get texts. Once we do meet, he ignores me for days on end. When I confront him he is dismissive. Sometimes he is just cruel. At the moment, as I write this, I can honestly tell you that I don’t even like him. This is what my relationship with him has been like over the last two years. This is why we go for such long periods without uttering a word.

There’s another guy too. I shall call him Prince.  Prince is super handsome. I am really attracted to him. I met him only once, through work. He is 5 years younger than me. He is muscular and has a lot of tattoos. I find tattoos very sexy! Prince and I send each other flirty texts, but we never met outside that one occasion, which was totally work related. I am not sure what to make of him. I’m not sure how deep his interest in me is, or wether he has the time for a relationship. Our work schedules conflict quite a bit, and like Mr Big, he is always on the go.  His father is quite ill and he has a young daughter. I don’t know if there is any room for me there. I feel very flattered to have his attention, if nothing else. Unlike Mr Big, he did wish me Happy Valentine’s Day and we texted for like two hours. That was fun.

I get attention from both of them that is very stop and go. Neither is a constant. Neither of them is an actual part of my life. And the truth is, even if i had the attention from loads of men,  if it’s not from the man I really want, what does it matter?

Well fuck them all. The man I want. The men I don’t. At the end of the day, the fact remains that I’m as spinster as they come. Well… did I tell you that this spinster is going to Paris?! More to come.