1f6ec8d7eb52ab07915480f4328f1800Today marks a very special day for me. It is one year ago that I got off my depression medication, and it is something I am immensely proud of. I will never forget sitting in that waiting room in Harley Street, waiting to be seen by my doctor. My sister-in-law came with me. She was holding my hand and trying to comfort me, but I was inconsolable. Things were really bad. I wasn’t just overwhelmed with my feelings of sadness, I was also furious. I was angry because not only did my ex take every THING I owned, but he had also taken some very intangible things that I took for granted, such as my sanity.

It had been a week since Dr ManWhore kicked me out of our home. I loved that man with all my heart. I would have died for him. Isn’t it ironic though when the person you think will always protect you is the one who the trigger?  I would wake up with my heart racing, and I kind of wanted to die. I didn’t want to live without him, despite everything he had done to me. The pain was unbearable. I just wanted it to go away. I had never faced this kind of overwhelming sadness before.

Now truth be told, I had always looked down on people who used medication to solve psychological issues. My mother suffers from bouts of them every once in a while, and I always thought of her as “weak.” I used to think, this is what people do when they aren’t strong enough to handle their problems by actually facing them like an adult. Now that I was suffering from it myself, however, I had been toppled from my high horse and my smug way of thinking. Now that it was happening to me, I felt a little bit like I was dying.

Finally I was seen by  doctor. It didn’t take me long before I started blubbering like a baby. She prescribed me a high dose of anti-depressants called Citalopram (I don’t know what this drug is refereed to as in the US). The next week was spent in a drowsy fog, until eventually I got used to them.

I don’t know if it helped. I was still very sad, but slowly I started to feel a little more human. I will never know if it was it the medication, the passage of time, the counseling (I had an awesome counselor, I’ll never forget him) or a combination of the three that helped me. But I remained angry. Why? Because I didn’t want to give my bastard of a husband the pleasure of my mental breakdown along with everything else. No, I was a good wife, a good person, a daughter, a sister… I didn’t deserve this, and I would not let him destroy me. I was determined to get off of it… and that is exactly what I did. I slowly weaned myself off them (without the help of a doctor because Dr ManWhore had completely cut me off and I couldn’t afford help). Of course this is something that should only be done under the supervision of a health professional, but I did it anyway. I did it myself, and I feel proud.

There are times when I still get extremely low. Sometimes I wonder if I made myself come off them too fast. I think perhaps I did, but I have no regrets.

... and did I mention that I hate my job?
… and did I mention that I hate my job?

I am really feeling low.

1) This week I got insulted by someone who I tried to help. I shall call this person X. I befriended X because they felt upset after a very sudden and unexpected breakup with their spouse (much like my own). I was trying to help X understand that they had worth even without their ex, and I was giving them some ideas and encouragement on how to win them back while maintaining their dignity. I spent a lot of time on X… it backfired. I don’t think it was their intention, but I ended up with a very personal insult that really left me feeling hurt. So much for helping others :(.

2) A man that I am not interested decided he would make a very unwelcome pass at me, and it left me feeling like garbage. I feel a deep bitterness creeping into my heart. It has been building up for some time now, and I have tried to ignore it, but it is most definitely there. I think I am starting to hate men. I am starting to wonder if any of them posses any kindness or gentleness, or are they all just self-obsessed bastards out there to take what they can get?  My deepest wish was that God reserved a good man for me, because that is what I wanted most– I think I have to pack that wish in a box and try to forget that it existed.

Speaking of boxes…

3) Today I am expecting my things to be delivered from Napoleon. Before I moved back to Florida, he asked me to marry him. I said yes. I had my things delivered to him from London, and he put them in storage for me so that I would have them when I came “home.”  Inside those boxes were my dreams for a future. To make a long story short, he didn’t love me enough to follow through, and the result is that today I get my stuff back. It has been almost four months since he has spoken to me. His life goes on without me as if I never existed. I know when those packages arrive my heart is going to break. I am trying to steel myself up for it, but as I type this, I am already crying.

4) If I thought things were on shaky ground with Dr Man Whore and Baby Whore, I thought wrong. Today the silly bitch posted a picture of herself with a Chanel bag, a big teddy bear, and a new hair color which looks surprisingly like my own. It made me want to vomit.

God give me strength to hold my head up and remember what it feels like to be human. Sometimes I really do forget.

I’ve had a tough week. Thank god it’s Friday. My soon to be ex husband (aka Dr Man-whore) is trying to go back on his financial agreement. My only recourse is to fight him, and that means more lawyer fees. I am scared to death that when this is all over I won’t be left with anything. How am I going to rebuild when all this is over if there is nothing left to rebuild with? It is dire.

Thursday I was involved in a car accident, which was really scary and freaked the sh*t out of me. My back hurts a little, but my sister (who was driving) and I are okay. Her car is really messed up though. I am upset for her. She loves her car. Her accident would never have happened if she wasn’t helping to drop me off. I feel responsible.

On top of that I’m trying to cope with breaking up with my Napoleon. I loved that man. He says we will stay best friends; but oh how my heart hurts. Not a day goes by that I don’t cry for him like some silly teenager. Every day I send him a million texts, begging him to reconsider. I am embarrassing myself. The rejection is crushing. I genuinely thought he was my forever. I guess I was wrong. Having to close that door on all of the wonderful dreams I had for us hurts my heart more than you can imagine.

I have a hard time keeping it together (I am often found crying my eyes out in the bathroom), but somehow I must.  It’s just me against the world now. I need to brush my depression aside. These feelings of grief and abandonment need to be swept under the carpet for now so that I can muster enough of my wits to save myself.

Music is helping. I downloaded some really kick ass songs that I listen to when I feel tearful or I’m about to embarrass myself by turning to someone who doesn’t want to hear from me. I am learning to turn my hurt into anger. It feels better than feeling sad. It feels more powerful. I need to find that strength that’s buried down somewhere so deep and forgotten. I know it exists because I remember seeing it so many years ago. I’m tired of being depressed. I don’t want to spend my life as a victim.

On that note, it’s Friday. F everyone. F all the tears and the sleepless nights. I want to get happy. I need a laugh. Maybe you do too.

Let’s get excited daaaahlings! It’s Friday after all.

Let's get this party started!
Let’s get this party started!
Well, I wouldn't say "surrounded," but I do have my mother and some very dear friends who have really been there for me. It is awesome to have your very own team of loved ones who you know are rooting for you.
Today I want to celebrate all the awesome people who are rooting for me. I am blessed to have such dear sweet friends and family to turn to during difficult times. They make me so thankful. *Smoochies*
Speaking of my friends, there are those fabulous strangers that read my blog and encouragement! Yeah, I mean you! Grab yourself a super fatty snack daaahling, the calories are on me today :).
Speaking of my friends, there are those fabulous strangers that read my blog and leave me words encouragement! Yeah, I mean you! Grab yourself a super fatty snack daaahling, the calories are on me today :).
I am the center of my own universe, and nothing matters more than me. I can be as selfish as I want to be. My ex always said I was good at that, but now I'm going to excel even further!!!
I am the center of my own universe, and nothing matters more than me. Now that I’m all on my own, I can be as selfish as I want to be. My ex always said I was good at that, but now I’m going strive for excellence! Yay me!!!
For so many years, I was in my husband's shadow. I forgot that I was important too, that I was also capeable of great things. Okay, so I have yet to discover what those things are LOL, but this time, when I do shine, it will be a light of my own making.
For so many years, I was in my husband’s shadow. I forgot that I was important too, that I was also capeable of great things. Okay, so I have yet to discover what those things are LOL, but this time, when I do shine, it will be a light of my own making. That’s pretty freaking cool!
I don't actually plan for my life to be one big pity part. I have every intention picking myself up and putting back the pieces to become a Caroline that is even more amazing than I used to be.
Life is not going to end up as one giant pity part… Hell no!!! I have every intention picking myself up and putting back the pieces to construct a Caroline that is even more magnificent than I the one I was.
One day I'd like to be able to say that I don't need a man to complete me. It's been a long time since I had that kind of confidence in myself, and I can't wait for it to come back.
One day I’d like to be able to say that I don’t need a man to complete me. It’s been a long time since I had that kind of confidence in myself, and I can’t wait for it to come back.
And so my lovelies, today I ask you to remind yourself why you are special (because I know you are).
And so my lovelies, today I ask you to remind yourself why you are special (because I know you are). Where were you this time last year? I bet you have accomplished something worth being proud of. Remind yourself.

I hope you guys are laughing a bit, or at least maybe have a teeny smile on your face. Yes, I have the oddest sense of humor of probably any blogger you’re going to come across, but that’s what makes me Caroline. Have a wonderful weekend and allow yourself to smile at the preposterous.It starts with the little things.

 

What do you do when you are feeling low? I am sure we all have days where we just feel defeated by life. One thing I really like is collecting empowering quotes on Pinterest that I can look at when I need some encouragement.

The last day that I ever saw my husband was in court. I say “saw” but I didn’t actually see him. I was so angry, hurt and repulsed by his presence that all I could force myself to look at was a little piece of his elbow. I was on the verge of tears the whole time, desperate not to break down. There was one thing that helped me keep my composure, and those were the words of inspiration I had collected. From time to time I’d glance at my Pinterest app on my phone. I’d focus on the little messages of hope and encouragement, and somehow, I got through it. Today I thought I’d share some of those words with you, and I hope they give you a little boost when you need one.

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This one, I actually made the as the lock screen on my phone.
This one, I actually made the as the lock screen on my phone.

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Ernest Hemingway
Ernest Hemingway

regret

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My favorite one of all is this poem by Maya Angelou. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve read it, and what a source of inspiration it has been for me.

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Do you have any favorite quotes that make you feel strong? I’d love to hear them.

Sisters Before Misters
Sisters Before Misters

Recently I found a website called First Wives World. It is an online support group for divorced women or women who are thinking about divorce, and it has been such an amazing resource for me. For one thing, it is so freeing to feel validated. It’s just the most liberating thing in the whole world to know that you are not alone. These feelings of hopelessness that I sometimes suffer from, the attacks of “the crazies”, the fear, the pain, the loneliness… it’s all normal. Who would have guessed? I’m not just some big drama queen cry baby, after all.

On the website it allows you to write a little blog post if and when you feel like it. I did feel like it… sometimes I just have the worst verbal diarrhea LOL. I have so many emotions that I want to get out. It’s why I blog. Anyways, I did that on a particularly low day, and I just got the most amazing heartfelt responses from these wonderful women that I never met before. Getting all those encouraging and sympathetic messages … I don’t know how to describe it except to say that my heart felt bigger. And guess what? They actually featured my post in their newsletter! How awesome is that?!?!

On one hand, it makes me sad that all these great ladies have to go through this along with me. So many of us share the same story. So many of us have sacrificed out of love only to be repaid by the ultimate betrayal. On the other hand, it gives me hope because these women, even though they are feeling down, still have enough love in their hearts to try to help someone else. What is more beautiful than a person who has been kicked, but still bothers to help another?

Growing up, I was always aware of how girls always seemed to be tearing each other down. Did you ever notice, for example, how if you are in a group of females, and one of them leaves to use the bathroom, everyone starts gossiping about her? Girls can be so catty and awful to each other; but true women don’t compete, they empower each other.  My post today is dedicated to those awesome ladies who fight to keep their heads above water, while rescuing the drowning. You inspire me.

She may be unlucky in love, but Morello can totally rock "Spinster Chic."
She may be unlucky in love, but Morello can totally rock “Spinster Chic.” As for me, I’m more Dior than detention center, so I just have to leave karma to deal with my ex.

I haven’t been in the mood to write. I just don’t do anything worthy of writing about. This week I hardly went out at all. It’s not east to do stuff when you don’t have a car and are constantly at the mercy of others to take you places. You just become a burden. It gets embarrassing having to always ask for help. So this week I took to downloading Orange is the New Black. For the last several days I’ve been watching episode after episode. I am in the middle of season two, and I am completely riveted.

I don’t know if you’ve ever seen it, but I totally recommend it. It’s a comedy/ drama about the lives of women in prison. I feel so akin to the women on the show. No, I’ve never been in trouble with the law, but each one has a very relateable story. They are stories about mixing in with the wrong people, stories of being at the wrong place at the wrong time, and stories about not having the same chances that “normal” people have. Of all the women on the series, there is nobody I relate to more than a character called Lorna Morello.

Morello is introduced as a friendly, welcoming, big hearted woman. She goes out of her way to be cheerful and kind. You can’t help but like her. In the first series she goes on and on about her fiancée Christopher. It seems like she spends most of her time in prison planning her wedding and the honeymoon. You can tell it’s what keeps her alive while she is locked up. It is not until the second season, however, that the audience discovers that Morello suffers from some kind of mental illness. She is a stalker, and Christopher is most definitely not her fiancée.

I feel for Lorna so much because I too have such a desperate desire to love and be loved. It’s what makes life worth living for me. I know what it feels like to love a man so deeply, only to have him pull away. More importantly, I understand all to well about the the craziness a girl can experience when that love is not returned. I was on depression medication for almost a year after I found out my husband was unfaithful to me. The thing is, I could have dealt with the infidelity. What I couldn’t get past was when he spelled it out for me: “I just don’t love you anymore.” I wonder what happens to all this love when nobody wants it? Sometimes it feels like your heart will just dry up and wither into nothingness, leaving you in an empty, bitter prison of your own making. Sometimes you wish that your heart would actually shrivel up, because the hurt is just too much, and you just would rather be numb than suffer. I know I’m not alone when I say that being in love has caused me more than my share of trouble and has been behind some very poor decision making. But still, I actually believe that love is the most beautiful and magical thing a person can experience. I’m not sure if that makes me a foolish glutton for punishment, or brave. For me, love is like the Holy Grail, and it is why I keep going. I don’t care if I ever live in a beautiful home or drive a fancy car. I don’t care of I have a great job or the admiration of others. Don’t get me wrong, all those things are great, and I accept any blessings God wants to throw my way. But for me, success is about having someone to come home to at the end of the day, someone who you know has your back. The prospect of that is what makes me want to wake up in the morning. My sincerest, deepest wish for myself is that one day my heart will be held by someone who knows it’s value. One day (hopefully in December), a man (who’s name might be “Napoleon”) is going to hug me (in Paris, perhaps?) with enough love that all the millions of pieces of my broken heart will be glued back together. Stay tuned… 😉

Well, from one prison to another, some good news is that I’ve been offered a job (subject to a background check and a drug test). After over ten years of being a housewife, I will be a working girl again. As much as I hate the idea of becoming some horrible drudge who does the same boring job day in and day out, the truth is, that is what I’m becoming by staying in the house all day anyway. It’s one thing when you have a husband and a home to look after, but just hanging around in my mom’s house is freaking boooooring! At least if I’m going to be bored, I can make some money LOL. Caroline has some adventures left, and if you know me, you know that my adventures aren’t cheap! It’s time for me to come out of hiding and get into the real world. It’s time for me to socialize with other people (if I can still remember how to do it). This is a huge step for me. I’m a bit nervous, but I’m totally ready.

So, this morning I was reading a post on a blog that I like to read, and it said that when things aren’t great, don’t be afraid to dream. The thing is, I think I’ve lost my ability to do that. Let me put it this way… if I was writing the story of my life, and I wanted to write in a happy ending, I have no idea how I would want it to go. When I ask God for help, I don’t even know what to ask for. I find myself on my knees, mute, my eyes full of tears, silently begging for an ending that I can’t even find the words to articulate. My mind is not capable of envisioning it. Obviously I want to be happy, but what happiness looks like, I can no longer imagine. This was how I felt when I left my home over a year ago, and this is also how I feel now.

When is the Happiness Fairy going to wave it’s magic wand in my direction? I know part of the way to entice her into my vicinity is to be grateful for the things I do have. Some good things did happen this week, so let me list them:

1) I got my driver’s licence. That was kind of a big deal for me. Okay, there’s no car, but it’s still pretty awesome!

2) After four job interviews, I finally went on one that I actually found decent AND it really went well. The interviewer and I seemed to have connected on both a personal and professional level. I really hope I get it!

3) I went to the eye doctor to have some new glasses made up, and it turns out that my vision got better! That never happens!

4) On Thursday my mom and my sister and I had lunch at my favorite pizza place in the area, Scarfone’s. They do an eggplant pizza that is simply to die for. The eggplant pieces are sliced very thinly, coated in breadcrumbs, fried, and scattered along a gorgeous coal fired pie like (ugly but delicious) jewels. There’s the slightly sweet sauce, the creamy mozzarella and ricotta cheeses (*sigh* ricotta), fresh basil, savory crispy eggplant, and the perfectly charred crust. There is such a wonderful combination of flavor and texture that work together so perfectly without competing. If you are ever in the area, I urge you to try it!

Mmmm :)... are you feeling this or what?
I’m drooling at the memory of it’s deliciousness.

This was followed up by ice cream at Cold Stone Creamery. Yes, I am a piggy.

Hmmm... maybe I can be happy without a man (but I'd be diabetic LOL).
Hmmm… maybe I can be happy without a man (but I’d be diabetic LOL).

Gosh you know what? Just writing that stuff down actually made me feel a little better. Seriously!

I know the trick to this all is to leave it to God. I know things will happen in their own time, the way they are supposed to happen. It’s not really for me to second guess His plan. I have always believed that everything happens for a reason, and my belief has not changed. I know that the most beautiful things grow out of the ugliest of situations. Furthermore, it’s not like there aren’t people in worse off situations than me. It’s just that when you can no longer see the light at the end of the tunnel, it is normal to question wether or not it actually exists. You just have to trust that it is there. But I have some good news my friends: ice cream and pizza still tastes awesome in the dark!

Breakfast at Panera: Asiago  bagel with egg and cheese
Breakfast at Panera: Asiago bagel with egg and cheese

I hope against hope that my divorce is reaching it’s end. I can’t allow myself to dream too much, because there is only so much loss a person can take. At this point, I’ve learned to be prepared for everything and anything. Living in fear this past year has changed me. Some of the changes are for the better. For example, I am now much clearer about what is important to me and what isn’t. I have more defined priorities, and I have eliminated a lot of the frivolous stuff. I think at age 39, I have finally matured into a woman.

There is also a tremendous downside: I don’t feel human sometimes. I feel like some crazed “thing.” All of this grief and drama has done something to me that I hate. Even after a whole year of suffering, I still feel so raw and exposed. So many times I’d wish that I would just stop existing. I never actually wanted to kill myself, but I did want to “disappear” and just stop being. It was only last week that my mother had to extract me from my sister’s closet where I was lying on the floor, in the dark, and crying like a wounded animal.

During my career as a blogger, if one would call it a career, I have always tried to write about the the things that made me happy. I wrote about food, travel, art and all the fun involved with being fabulous and female. I wanted to make people laugh and wanted my blog to be tons of fun… I intend to go back to that. I don’t want this to be a blog about divorce. It’s a blog about me, but unfortunately, right now, this divorce stuff consumes me.

These days, I can’t think about the future too much, because it is so fraught with uncertainty. For a control freak like myself, who likes to have all the details figured out, it frightens me enough that I know I’ll just run back into the closet (or bathroom) and crumble. Right now my life is about taking baby steps. For me, that starts with remembering what if feels like to be human.

If I remember correctly, humans eat breakfast. Ah, who am I kidding, in all my years I’ve probably missed about two breakfasts in my entire life. Just check out my thighs, they will tell you stories! All you have to do is read the braille (aka celulite). Although I do not enjoy food as much as I once did, I still find eating one of life’s greatest pleasures. And one thing you might not know about me, is that I am a bagel whore. Like my soon to be ex husband, I like anything with a hole (bagels and donuts for me, and mildly retarded whores for him).  So, in an effort to rediscover a bit of humanity, once or twice a week I go with my mom and/or sister to Panera for breakfast and indulge in the forbidden: carbs.

One thing I missed in London was good bagels. I never truly found a great one there (though I’m sure it’s only a matter of time before that changes, London is one of the most incredible foodie scenes in the world). Although Panera is a far cry from my Holy Grail bagel joint in New York, it is indeed a pleasure. So one morning I came to gobble up an asiago egg and cheese bagel with a cup of tea, and another day a delicious and highly calorific cinnamon crunch bagel with full fat cream cheese. Taking baby steps can be the equivalent of a great leap when you are low.

Please ignore the cinnamon crumb cake that hides behind my already super fattening breakfast bagel. It was free, so no judgements please.
Please ignore the cinnamon crumb cake that hides behind my super fattening breakfast bagel. It was free, so no judgements please.