So let’s see… when I last left off, I wasn’t in a good place. I’m happy to say that things are looking up. I have two job interviews lined up for Thursday. One of them I’m super excited about, but I don’t want to say anymore (maybe out of fear that I won’t get it?).  The other is a fairly decent sounding job in the financial industry– which seems a little boring but it’s a step up from what I’m doing now I think. Nevertheless, I am thrilled by the response I am getting. My resume is actually getting calls! That  is awesome, because when I first came to this country, I really struggled. I had been out of the workforce for over ten years, and nobody wanted to interview me. I need to go into my interviews psyched up and feeling good. This is when I turn to my Pintrest boards for some inspiration. The power of words have the most transcendent effect on me. Here are some new ones I’ve recently added to my collection.

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Tomorrow I’m off shopping for a killer interview outfit. I’m going to buy something fabulous (or as fabulous as suits get–I’m not really a suit person). I plan to go to these interviews looking and feeling the part.  I won’t lie, there’s this little gremlin who lives in the back of my head that fuels me with feelings of self doubt. It looks remarkably like Dr ManWhore. It’s fat and has a really loud voice, but I am going to do everything I can to kill that f*cker off. I have nothing to loose by trying to better my position, but I have lots to win. It is my greatest hope that my next post will contain some amazing news.

I hope the person interviewing me is a guy. I will smile a lot and make him fall in love with me a little. That’s one of the little aces up my sleeve, but other than that, any interview advice you have for me is greatly appreciated.

Well, I try, but occasionally the bitch switch gets flipped.
Well, I try, but occasionally the bitch switch gets flipped.

Sometimes it’s easy for me to get upset and overwhelmed. Pettyness and cruelty offend me quite deeply. My tolerance isn’t what it used to be. Yesterday my bitchy manager at work decided to “write me up” (what am I, five years old?) for texting at my desk. I’m told next time I’m going to get fired. “Stupid cow,” I want to yell, “I have eaten dinners that cost more than your weekly salary, how dare you.” And then I remember that I actually need my shitty job, that I’m poor now. But what kind of woman does that to another woman? She knows I’m a divorcee with a meager salary. Yeah, it takes a special woman to want to take the food off another woman’s table, and that kind of woman deserves a special place… in hell. Damn, I’ve come a long way from being a doctor’s wife. Remembering that, well it kind of hurts sometimes. Amidst my frustration, when I got to the safety of the lunch room, I could feel the heat engulfing my face… and then, I’m somewhat embarrassed to admit,  the tears came. Feelings of shame (of my new status in life) mixed with feeling kind of sorry for myself, and anger: those emotions settled in my eyes, and rolled out as tears.

What is a girl to do when everything is gone? I’ll tell you the answer. It’s something I have been training myself to do. Some days I have more success at it than others.

0532a2d63deebb03fa314f919e7f91a6The trick is this: love the little things. Without trying to get all religious on you guys, let me just say that I believe in God. I feel that God scattered beauty and goodness all over the world, but we become blind to those blessings. We just get so wrapped up in the crap. So what exactly am I talking about? I’m talking about the way the sun feels when it warms your skin, a beautiful flower or a pretty bird, the peace of a hot cup of tea, the way that art and poetry had the power to lift the human spirit. There is so much beauty out there my lovelies. It is ours if only we choose to grab it. It’s there if you’ve got loads of money or if you don’t have two pennies to rub together. You just need to train your eye to look for those things: a kind smile from a stranger, some sweet words from a friend, a chubby pink cheeked child with grubby hands… the list is a mile long. Just look for it. I feel like these are God’s signs that everything is going to be okay. They are out there. Find them. Grab them. Recognize them for what they are. And when your boss is giving you shit an you feel low and a bit scared, take those things out of your memory box in your head and know that you will get through this. And you will get through it. What other choice is there?

And now, my lovelies, join me in giving my supervisor the one fingered salute! Just because I keep my mouth shut at work, does not mean I can’t handle some lame bitch. I invented bitchcraft daaahling.

UntitledToday’s post is dedicated to all the lovely moms out there. I think being a mother is the hardest job in the world (which is partly why I never wanted to become one), but I admire and respect anyone who has taken it on. Honestly, I don’t know how you mothers do it. When I think of all the time, love, and sacrifice involved in being a good parent, it kind of overwhelms me. It takes a special woman to be a mother.

In honor of all you lovely ladies, today I thought I would share my absolute favorite poem in the world:  Phenomenal Woman by Maya Angelou. I’ve read these words during some really dark times. They helped me hold my head up when I was at my lowest. This poem helped me to feel strong, if only for a moment, and sometimes a moment is all we need to take the deep breath that allows us to put the next foot in front of the other. The power of words can be transformative… pure magic.

I hope this poem reminds you of that mysterious power that lies in all of us women: our “special something” that Maya Angelou describes so well. Today I dedicate it to all the mothers out there. You are phenomenal, never let anyone tell you otherwise.

Wishing you a happy Mother’s Day.

Phenomenal Woman

by Maya Angelou

Pretty women wonder where my secret lies.
I’m not cute or built to suit a fashion model’s size
But when I start to tell them,
They think I’m telling lies.
I say,
It’s in the reach of my arms,
The span of my hips,
The stride of my step,
The curl of my lips.
I’m a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That’s me.
I walk into a room
Just as cool as you please,
And to a man,
The fellows stand or
Fall down on their knees.
Then they swarm around me,
A hive of honey bees.
I say,
It’s the fire in my eyes,
And the flash of my teeth,
The swing in my waist,
And the joy in my feet.
I’m a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That’s me.
Men themselves have wondered
What they see in me.
They try so much
But they can’t touch
My inner mystery.
When I try to show them,
They say they still can’t see.
I say,
It’s in the arch of my back,
The sun of my smile,
The ride of my breasts,
The grace of my style.
I’m a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That’s me.
Now you understand
Just why my head’s not bowed.
I don’t shout or jump about
Or have to talk real loud.
When you see me passing,
It ought to make you proud.
I say,
It’s in the click of my heels,
The bend of my hair,
the palm of my hand,
The need for my care.
’Cause I’m a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That’s me.

Let's get into the Thanksgiving spirit, shall we? Grab yourself a turkey leg. Do it like a boss!
Let’s get into the Thanksgiving spirit, shall we? Grab yourself a turkey leg. Do it like a boss!

Of all the holidays I missed most while I lived in the UK, it was most definitely Thanksgiving. In all honesty, it wasn’t about the sitting around the table with my loved ones and giving thanks, it was about the unabashed food orgy. I’m always down with that! Well, this year, I find myself back in the USA, and I will indeed be with my family, and I am also totally going to be wearing some elasticated stretch pants (I can afford to now, I’ve lost a good amount of weight on the “grief diet”) but, for the first time I’m also going to give thanks. I have a lot to be thankful for this year, despite all the craziness.

Ha, at least they are not asking me why I'm single.
I’m single, but I’m not alone.

1. Friends: The best thing that came out of this year is some wonderful friendships. It’s strange because, I have had very few friends in my life. From the time I was 17, until quite recently, I have always had a man in my life. I made them the center of my world, and nobody else mattered. Friendships were not to important to me, I could take them or leave them. I was stupid. Today, there is no man in my life, but I have more friends now than I have ever had before. Not just acquaintances, but people that I genuinely care for, and they care for me in return. It is a new experience, and a good one… but if God is reading this, I’d also like a man LOL.

Yay.... I love being warm and toasty!
Yay…. I love being warm and toasty!

2. Being back in America: Okay, well if I’m completely honest, this wasn’t what I wanted at all… but this is what I got, and it’s not so bad. First of all, I truly believe that the people here are the friendliest around. They smile at you, and they say hello. People here talk to strangers. Trust me, this does not happen in the UK. I like it. Being in Florida is also awesome because of the warmth and the sunshine. If I were in England right now, during this time of year, my nose would be running, I’d have dry skin and eyes from the heaters, and I’d be wearing my coat in the house. Winter in the UK was a perpetual state of discomfort for me, I never got used to it. Plus, the daylight hours are very short. Sometimes nightfall starts around 3:30. I totally don’t miss that.

I'd make for a very curious super hero, but ever so slowly, I am saving myself.
I’d make for a very curious super hero, but ever so slowly, I am saving myself.

3. And speaking of warmth, there’s something else I’m thankful for: after many, many years, I feel a fire burning inside of me again. Sometimes it’s and angry fire, a fire that burns out of rage. Sometimes it’s a fire of survival: a fire that burns because I know that I’m on on my own now, and I’ve got to fight to do this on my own. This fire is something I thought was totally extinguished. It happened shortly after I got married. For so many years I used to sit back and just let my husband deal with the hard things. Now I don’t have that choice anymore. I am learning that I actually can do it on my own, and I am so f’ing proud of myself that I am getting back on my feet.  It’s been a dark year, but they say fire burns brighter in the darkness. Some women are lost in the fire, and some women are built from it. Well, I’m not sure which one I am, but I can tell you that I’m toasting marshmallows LOL.

So, this Thanksgiving, what are you thankful for? Wishing you and your loved ones a very happy holiday.

I’m dating myself because … well, because I’m alone. It has been a long time since I was without a man. To be honest, I don’t like the way it feels. I have some girlfriends, but it’s not the same thing. I wish I could say that between them, and enjoying my own company, that I feel fulfilled. I don’t, far from it. I’m not going to pretend, because maybe somewhere out there is a woman just like me, going through something similar, and maybe she needs to feel like someone else feels the same way. I have learned that knowing that you are not some kind of alien that nobody can relate to is a really big deal.

Though I don’t love how I feel, I want to relearn to be okay just by myself. I wanted to share this video, because I thought it was super awesome, and kind of inspiring. It was one of the few things I found that made me feel like being alone isn’t the most awful thing in the world. Maybe I can learn something from it, or at least, that is my hope:

Some other good things about being alone…

You have nobody to answer to.
You have nobody to answer to.
There is a power in discovering that you can do things for yourself (I'm not there yet, but I hope to be one day).
There is a power in discovering that you can do things for yourself  and by yourself (I’m not there yet, but it will come).
You don’t have to feel guilty about being the most important thing in your life.
You don’t have to feel guilty about being the most important thing in your life. Being selfish is oodles of fun.

It’s time for me to love myself. I guess it’s not something I’m very good at. Do I like myself? Yes, most definitely. Do I think I’m a great person with a loving heart and much to offer? Absolutely. Do I love myself? Well… I don’t know. It’s something I guess I’m going to have to work on.

Sisters Before Misters
Sisters Before Misters

Recently I found a website called First Wives World. It is an online support group for divorced women or women who are thinking about divorce, and it has been such an amazing resource for me. For one thing, it is so freeing to feel validated. It’s just the most liberating thing in the whole world to know that you are not alone. These feelings of hopelessness that I sometimes suffer from, the attacks of “the crazies”, the fear, the pain, the loneliness… it’s all normal. Who would have guessed? I’m not just some big drama queen cry baby, after all.

On the website it allows you to write a little blog post if and when you feel like it. I did feel like it… sometimes I just have the worst verbal diarrhea LOL. I have so many emotions that I want to get out. It’s why I blog. Anyways, I did that on a particularly low day, and I just got the most amazing heartfelt responses from these wonderful women that I never met before. Getting all those encouraging and sympathetic messages … I don’t know how to describe it except to say that my heart felt bigger. And guess what? They actually featured my post in their newsletter! How awesome is that?!?!

On one hand, it makes me sad that all these great ladies have to go through this along with me. So many of us share the same story. So many of us have sacrificed out of love only to be repaid by the ultimate betrayal. On the other hand, it gives me hope because these women, even though they are feeling down, still have enough love in their hearts to try to help someone else. What is more beautiful than a person who has been kicked, but still bothers to help another?

Growing up, I was always aware of how girls always seemed to be tearing each other down. Did you ever notice, for example, how if you are in a group of females, and one of them leaves to use the bathroom, everyone starts gossiping about her? Girls can be so catty and awful to each other; but true women don’t compete, they empower each other.  My post today is dedicated to those awesome ladies who fight to keep their heads above water, while rescuing the drowning. You inspire me.