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I had a terrible scare this week I don’t know what happened. But my vision … something happened. One morning I woke up with blurry double vision in my left eye, and I noticed I could no longer see up close. Panic is an understatement dollies. I was considering going to the emergency room.

Monday at work I got to my desk, and after turning in the computer I started to cry. I couldn’t see the words on my screen. I didn’t know what to do. Somehow I made it through until I was able to see a doctor.

Well, to make a long story short, my vision has changed. Apparently this is something normal. When you reach about 40, something happens to your eyes where seeing up close becomes a lot more difficult. I’m not going to die or become blind I relaized, I’m just getting older.  God, was I freaked out. Majorly freaked.

My mom decided it might be a good idea to test my blood. She is diabetic, and it runs heavy in our family history. Eye problems and diabetes go hand in hand, so she asked me to try her blood test machine thingy… guess what? According to my score (107),  I’m pre diabetic. Nice huh? So now I’ve started looking at labels a lot more, and I’m going to make some tweaks to my diet (even though I’m only 122 pounds). Here’s a crazy fact: a woman should not consume more than 25g of sugar a day. A large apple has 23 grams! I eat an apple every day! I’m cutting fruit out of my diet, and I’m watching all the sugars. I realize my Monday – Friday diet has about 40 grams of sugar, and I figured out how to reduce it to 12 grams without going through any inconvenience. I’ll allow myself treats still, on the weekend, but I’ve got to learn to be much more mindful, and only treat myself to foods that REALLY call to me. I’m going to be much more selective in my food choices. I absolutely do not want to be diabetic. I totally don’t want to deal with that shit.

Here is another good one. Last week my boss took me into her office along with the branch office manager. I was told that my work isn’t up to scratch. I’ve been at this company almost two years now. It’s the one concrete thing I have (well, that and my honorary membership into Club Spinster). Damn, if I loose my job I’m I’m going to be devastated. Yeah, there are days I don’t want to go into work, but I like my job (I’d go as far as to say it is essential to my sanity), plus I really love the company I work for. I’m going to work extra hard and do my best to jump through the hoops like a good little show pony. I hope they will see my efforts.

As I feel my life is crumbling, I’ve been feeling especially alone. My mother has been a great comfort to me. I’m also blessed with an awesome grandmother and a father who loves me to bits. I have a couple dear friends — though none live nearby. The eyes, the diabetes scare, the possibility I can loose my job … it makes me feel incredibly vulnerable. I wish I had someone special in my life, that I could lie on his lap, or maybe be cuddled a bit. I wish he would stroke my hair and tell me things would be okay … but that just doesn’t seem to be on the horizon, especially since I’ve taken myself out of the dating pool.

I have my birthday coming up in a couple weeks. I turn 43. The idea of ending my Birthday Challenge and trying to date again fills me with more dread than excitement this time around. I don’t know if I’m strong enough to deal with the emotions. Yes, I always can hope that this time I’ll find the one whose soul loves mine. I love that dream. But I am starting to wonder if it is just a dream. I talk to other women, and I know I’m not alone in this feeling, this general feeling of heartbreak and disappointment. I do know I’ll try again, because that’s just who I am. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to give up on love… but maybe now is not the time. Right now, I want to focus on my job and my health. I don’t think I want to attempt dating until I feel inspired by the prospect. I don’t want to date because of my fear of being alone. I think the Birthday Challenge is to be extended until I feel okay in my skin again.

And this, my dear, is how the sugar free cookie crumbles. Barf… like I’d ever eat that shit.

I have been fiendishly absent, I know.  Work has been kicking my ass, it’s been kinda shitty actually. At times my job is so super stressful. I think I might actually be loosing my hair as a result. Every time I brush, it just seems like so much is shedding. These days my ponytail feels painfully thin.  I now started taking hair vitamins. I persevere. My hope is that in the next several months I can apply for a promotion. While I’m certainly no corporate ladder climbing hamster, a raise sure would be lovely. Think of how many more burgers I could have and all the extra adventures I could go on!

Sometimes the stress does get to me, but I try to always stay focused on the good stuff. One cool thing was that I got to see Chris Rock perform at the HardRock. That has been on my bucket list for aaaages! I remember back in my married days, my ex-husband and I always wanted to see him together… but oh how life changes. I know I don’t have to tell you.  Sometimes things don’t turn out the way you expect, but that isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Such is the case with seeing Chris Rock. It was worth the wait, the show was freaking awesome, as was the company, and it was something I will never forget. It’s another little jewel in my treasure chest of memories. To me, a wonderful experience will always mean more to me than a new toy.

Another cool thing? In less than 3 days time I’ll be accomplishing another New Years resolution: visiting a place I’ve never been before. I’ll be off to Washington D.C. during cherry blossom season. I do hope the trees will be in bloom and that it won’t be too cold — watch this space, shenanigans (mostly that of the food orgy variety) are sure to come. I have some fun plans and some pants with an elastic waistband at the ready. Yeah, it’s gonna be good! If you have any cool D.C. recommendations, please share. I’m still working on my itinerary.

To offset all this eating I have planned in my future, I’m getting a Fitbit. I actually live an extremely sedentary lifestyle, and I want that to change. I already downloaded the Fitbit app to my iPhone, and though I’ve only had it a week, I am feeling pretty motivated by the whole thing.  I can’t wait to get my wristband thingy in the mail. Today I actually walked over 17,000 steps. I was very pleased with myself. I already conjured up this mental vision of the super slim supermodel I’m going to become. But if this weekend was anything to go by, you would be right to be somewhat dubious. I discovered a super fun restaurant in the most unlikely of places, a strip mall. The food is amazingly fresh and inventive, and very representative of what I’d consider to be Florida cuisine at it’s finest. The place is called Little Moir’s Food Shack. I loved sitting at the bar area, facing the open kitchen were I could watch all the goodies being prepared. OMG, I can’t wait to go back.

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I couldn’t pass up photographic the windows, completely covered in stickers. The place has a very unusual sort of hipstery charm.

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Fried oysters on a bed of greens

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Coconut crusted fish: this was freakishly spectacular. It wasn’t any crappy desiccated coconut either. This was made with fresh shreds of coconut meat. My belly is going to have naughty sex dreams about it.
That’s pretty much it. I do have a wonderful new development unfolding in my life right now. Although  it’s quite uncharacteristic of me, I’m going to keep it to myself for the time being. Right now it feels like a special little secret, and for now I think I’d like to keep it that way.