IMG_8137.jpgI’m often come across talk of “soulmates,” about how there is that one someone special out there for everyone. Every shoe has it’s perfect match, apparently. I could probably just be content with someone whose company I enjoy, though obviously I do wish for more. I want the fairytale, if such things even exist, but I’m not holding my breath. Nothing and no one is perfect, so I’m not holding out for that. I get really disheartened at times when I see what’s out there though. I have dropped my standards when it comes to what I expect out of a man, but I refuse to let go of them completely. I shouldn’t have to. 

About a week ago I was excited when a fairly okay looking doctor (but who I suspect is balding since his pictures seemed somewhat strategically cropped) reached out to me. Let’s start off with a little snippet from his dating profile…

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Sounds good right? Perfect for me.

We exchanged numbers and texted a bit. He didn’t seem anything like the guy in the profile. Actually, the man was pure and unadulterated asshole. Here excerpt from our conversation…

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Well, to make a long story short, we did not meet. I was completely put off.

So, as far as soul mates are concerned,  I accept the responsibility of being my own. The way things are going down, that’s the only choice I really have. And I got to tell ya, I’m getting kind of awesome with the way I treat me. I think I’d make a fab boyfriend! I didn’t want me to feel sad on Valentine’s Day so I did all sorts of lovely things for myself. I am loving myself in the way that I would like someone to love me. I guess that’s the next best thing. Admittedly, it’s a far cry from having a romantic partner, but I’m not going to lower myself to the degree where I’m going to waste my time with a butt wipe, whom I imagine is probably a racist and a Trump supporter (yeah, I totally made that up in my head, but I believe it wholeheartedly). The spirits of my female ancestors did not manifest in my soul so that I could be the foot stool for some fuckwit’s feet. This much I know. Therefore, if I can’t get kindness and respect from a man, I shall give it to myself. In the process, I have decided that I may just ridicule the douche bags that cross my path on my blog  … because, hey, it’s kinda fun. And if I wasn’t able to laugh about it, I’d probably cry. Those of you who know me, know that I do that too. A bit less often these days, but it still happens.

So how did I treat myself on Valentine’s Day? I bought myself a lovely Marc Jacobs tote. It is perfect for work. I plan to use it as my everyday bag. It has this gorgeous bright red interior that makes me feel happy every time I open it. And guess what? I didn’t even buy it on sale. I just treated myself to exactly what I wanted when I wanted it. It was a bit pricey, but whateva. I also ate some delicious buttery shortbread. One by one, I polished off the whole box. For dinner I made myself one of my favorites: wings. I make mine in the oven. It’s an easy recipe: 1 part honey to 1 part harissa (Moroccan spice paste) which I brush on to the chicken once it is cooked and crispy, then back in the oven another five minutes. The trick to getting them crispy is to pat them as dry as possible when raw, salt them, and then cook them on a high temperature on a rack that allows the fat to render. No oil. Nothing is as good as fried, but this is a very satisfying alternative. Try it, tell me what you think.

I do acknowledge that there are good men out there. I have met a few. I know they actually exist, but I haven’t met the one who is right for me. Until then, I am in my own care. I want to do right by me. Partner or not, I hope you will do the same. Nobody will ever know how you need to be teated better than you. Be careful of what you tolerate because you are showing people what you will accept. Show them how it’s done dollies!

Lots of love and kisses to all my readers on Valentine’s Day. I love you. 

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Fin DAC & Kevin Ledo collaboration in Wynwood, Miami

Hello my lovelies, I’ve not written in a while. Kind of been laying low. How was the start to your New Year? It’s not a favorite holiday of mine (because I always wish I had someone special to celebrate it with), but it was okay actually. I rang it in with one of my favorite treats: a Godiva chocolate covered macaroon. So yeah, not earth shatteringly awesome, but not bad. The good news is, I didn’t spend it feeling sorry for myself. That’s progress.

Since I last wrote, my friend T lost her battle with cancer. That was pretty major. But the thing is, it was inevitable. I knew it was going to happen. I just didn’t know when, and I was dreading finding out. When it did happen, I was deeply sad, but not surprised. She practically lived in the hospital. Always in and out, always breaking bones, and she had constant trouble with her breathing. At the end of her life, she was carrying an oxygen tank with her wherever she went. T was definitely a fighter though, and always hopeful.  Always making plans, assuming that there would be a tomorrow. I feel so blessed that my life path ran parallel to such an amazing and loving human being. She was my sister, just not by blood, and I will always love her dearly.

I’ve gone on a few dates, though nobody is worth actual mention. I continue to put myself out there believing that one day, it’s going to happen for me. It’s encouraging that at my age I still get attention from very eligible and attractive men. Last week a rather handsome guy took me to Wynwood to check out some street art and chow down on the uber fabulous fried chicken at KYU. I honestly can’t remember having better (this was my second time going). That sauce it comes with … well, that must be what people mean when they say “awesome sauce.” Chicken was followed by some deliciously sweet and fluffy coconut cake. I’m not sure what it says about me that I talk about the food with so much more excitement than the man. He was nice … meh … nice. I’m not looking for NICE, I want to FEEL something… you know? Like with the fried chicken LOL. Passion. I seem to be no closer to finding love since I last wrote, but I keep trudging on.

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As for work, its been crazy as usual, but I actually had a very good month. I must have been a very good little show pony, as I was recognized as the best on my team for December. Plus, two of my customers left me great feedback on good service I provided. I must admit, it felt great to be recognized. I really did work hard. I hoping 2019 might have a promotion in store.

And that, my dears, is really it. What’s been going on with you? I wish you everything good and sweet in 2019 and always.

Tons of love,

Caroline

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Hello dollies!

It’s been a while since I last wrote anything, almost a month. I always write to you on my sister’s computer, but it was having technical difficulties which are now resolved. I am happy to say that all is well.

Let me start with a short recap. I didn’t get that promotion I applied for, but I am totally ok with that. I don’t think the position was actually suited to me. Still I put myself out there, and as a result, I was gifted with a new direction. You see, I was kind of a aimless as far as what I wanted my career path to be within my company, but as a result of the failed interview, I had a fantastic conversation with one of the bosses which really  helped me to figure out a route that I know would really be suited to me. I am very pleased I didn’t get the job, because now that I know the job I want, I don’t really want anything else.

All is well with Birdy and I. We had a couple of delicious trips to The Standard Spa, a few slumber parties, and in a most unladylike fashion, Moi invited herself over for Thanksgiving dinner. No regrets, I’d do it again. It was a lovely evening and I had a wonderful time. Birdy’s family are so welcoming to me, and that feeling of being included is one that I have always craved. I have been making the drive to Birdy’s place and getting more and more comfortable with driving on the highway. I am very proud of myself.

Work has been fun. Well, not work per say, but the work environment. My company goes all out for the holidays. We had the most fantastic pot luck. The manager of our district even cooked us turkeys! How cool is that? Then, yesterday, two of my co workers and I hung out after work and went to one of my favourite restaurants. I over ate … a lot … but whatevs. I know it may sound a bit strange, but I’ve never hung out with a co-worker outside of work before.  Once upon a time I was an isolated housewife who spoke to barely anyone. Now I actually have friends — they aren’t even imaginary! It is a novelty that I am still getting used to.

With Thanksgiving, the pot luck, going out to eat, and all the holiday fun, my diet has kind of gone to shit. Before all this started I reached just under 118 pounds. It was a f’ing pre-Christmas miracle. I dare not weight myself now. I am confident I’ll get myself back in gear. I have to. I just bought this beautiful dress I’ve been lusting after for about 6 months in the Black Friday sales online, and I am determined to look as ultra fab in it as I do in my imagination!

I am happy my loves. When was the last time I wrote that? I have everything I need and everything I want, and I am grateful beyond measure. Of course, we can always gild the lily a bit, no? I will just preface my list by admitting that the things I want most can’t be bought. They will require lots of good energy and patience. The other things, just cherries on the cake. If end up with none, I would not be even the tiniest bit sad. If I had a tree, these are the things I should like to be under it.

Birdy with a big red bow on him. I don’t know if he has the patience to crouch under a tree all night so he can surprise me for when I wake, but I can dream, no? Maybe he can even pop out of a cake or something. I think I’d like that very much.

A fabulous Norma Kamali bathing suit for when I luxuriate at The Standard. I love the retro glamour of it. It is just so Old  Hollywood.
Note: the ribbon on Birdy should match the color of my swimsuit.

Bill Mio swimsuit by Norma Kamali

The Curator Collection mascara set by Hourglass. I tried it NYC. Fantastic.

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A MacBook Pro. I’ve not owned a computer since moving back to the US, I think I’d quite like one. One with a big ass screen to match my expanding thighs. It’s all about balance dollies!

A fabulous getaway to somewhere I’ve never been. The ticket should come in a gold envelope methinks. Perhaps it can be tucked into an uber designer carry on.

OMG, am I not so good at making up presents?! We haven’t even scratched the surface. You see, just when you think you’ve witnessed the bottom of my batshit crazy… BOOM! There’s the bat shit crazy underground garage! And the garage has levels dontcha know?!

So tell me my dears, what is on your list? I know you have one, even if it’s not written down. Have you treated yourself to anything special?

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Valentine’s Day. I loathe you. When I think of you I vomit in my mouth a little. For the last three years you have been a source of grief. It’s my fault, of course. I let you tell me that something is wrong with me because I don’t have a man in my life, and that is bullshit!

Valentine’s Day this year falls on a Tuesday. I’ll be working and I hope the day will pass without too much fanfare. At work they like to make big deals out of all the holidays. There will be a potluck, I know that much. They may as well call it,  “The Let Me Eat My Feelings Free for All” LOL. I refuse to partake in such shenanigans. I’m saving myself for food that is not laced with bitterness and unrequited love — oh dear, I must get out more. I am turning into Sylvia Plath.

There is a guy showing me some interest. Actually I have known him for two years. For the sake of this blog, I’ll call him Mr Big because he is definitely one of those larger than life characters that you don’t come across too often. He is loud, brash, and sometimes downright rude and horrible. He is also the smartest person I ever met. He has a brilliant mind with an IQ that ventures into Einstein levels. He is also very successful. We are total opposites. He is completely out there, while I am quiet, arty, and romantic. That is part of what he likes about me. The thing is, sometimes we clash terribly, which is why we never had a real relationship. I am starting to look at Mr Big with new eyes though.  There are two main reasons:

  1. Despite the fact that we can really rub each other the wrong way, and we might stop talking for long periods of time, he has never given up on me. He is steadfast. This is a quality I’ve been searching for in a partner since my marriage ended. We live during a time where humans treat each other as disposable. Everything is expected to be fast and easy. If it’s not, you throw it away and start again. The world is full of choices, after all, and the possibilities are endless. I don’t like this mentality. It’s fine for things, but not for people. People have hearts and memories, and if you hurt them, the effects can be very long lasting. Despite getting quite angry at me, Mr Big has never given up on me- and trust me, I can throw one hell of hissy when I’m provoked (and so can he for that matter)! He has seen me in my “special moments” – at times, he has been the cause of them. But guess what? He never left.
  2. I don’t have to convince him of anything. One great source of pain in past relationships is that I always felt I had to convince whoever I cared for that I was enough- that I’m pretty enough, smart enough … etc.  I wanted to prove that I was worth sticking around for. Mr Big wants me with a capital W. He tells me I’m beautiful, that I’m smart, and he likes talking to me. I don’t go out of my way to impress him, he just kind of adores me.  And get this, he is not afraid to use the “L” word!  It is so nice to be in the company of a man who is not all wishy washy. Mr Big knows what he wants, and that just so happens to be me. How cool is that?!

I don’t know if this can work out. At best, we can compliment each other beautifully, but because of his bluntness and my over sensitivity, sometimes things get volatile. There are times where he is just too much for me. Maybe if I can keep my cool, and he can do the same… maybe…

Could the person I’ve been looking for be the one that’s been around all along, or should I just stick to cake?

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Got your kick ass shoes ready for 2017?

Overall, I’d say 2016 was a good year. It had its ups and downs, but I can honestly say that my life is moving in a positive direction. It has been a year of intense growth. I can look back on it without any sadness or regret. In my book, that’s a success.

Things I accomplished this year:

  • For the first time I have medical insurance and a 401k… how freakishly adult is that?!
  • I became a licensed claims adjuster. I even have a certificate to prove it.
  • I’ve been to New Orleans, Arizona, and I saw the Grand Canyon, I ate tons of good food, and saw some great art.
  • I have a good job (even if it is a lot of work), AND I haven’t been fired.
  • I am surrounded by good people.
  • I’m getting stronger. I know it because I’m able to be more open with people. I’m less afraid to loose those that I care about. I’m realizing that if someone is meant to be in my life, they will be. This is true regardless of any stupid mistakes I make.
  • Although I have always HATED the phrase “you have to love yourself before anyone else will,” I am slowly starting to do that. Just in case you are wondering how I attempt such a feat, I make it a conscious effort to ask myself “what would a person who loves herself do?” when I am faced with choices. It is a habit I am trying to ingrain into my thought process.

For the upcoming year, I have some new things I’d like to accomplish:

  • Proficiency and competence in my job. I like to feel confident that I can handle things and that I know what I’m doing. Right now I’m kind of winging it. I take it day by day.
  • As for my travel goals, I’d like to visit somewhere I’ve never been. If I make this a goal year after year, I think I shall become quite worldly.
  • I plan to finally buy a car. I’ve been holding it off for a very long time because of the expense and responsibility,  but it’s not easy living in America without transportation. It’s time for me to suck it up, and get with the program. I’m hoping that the freedom having a car gives me will be worth the expense.
  • I’d like to get rid of Diet Coke from my life (and aspartame in general). I am addicted to the stuff, and I know it’s not healthy. Once upon a time I did kick my nasty habit. I did it for about two years… then my divorce happened and things went to shit. On the good side, it’s not crack. Crack I reserve for the weekend when Satan and have our knitting session. We knit, we gossip, we do some lines. It’s how we roll. Hey … kidding … I don’t even know how to knit 😜.
  • Financially I have an idea of how much I’d like to have stowed away in the bank… but you know … life.
  • I’d love to get to 120 pounds. I’ve never been able to reach that goal. Well maybe somewhere in my lifetime I was 120 pounds for one day, but can you believe that I never knew which day that was? Maybe I was 12?!? Being a foodie and maintaining a fabulous figure … no. One Levain cookie and I’m popping out of my jeans like a can of Pillsbury dough when the tab is pulled.
  • I wouldn’t be honest if I didn’t admit that I’d like to find love too. It’s not a goal, so much as it is a wish. It will come when the time is right, but it would be the best thing ever if it happened sooner rather than later.

I’m going to be ringing in the new year alone. I wish it could be otherwise, but it is what it is. I doubt I’ll stay up till midnight, but if I do, I will blow you all a kiss.  I’d like to wish you a very Happy New Year. I send you lots of love and good wishes for 2017.

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Sometimes the head knows something, but the heart needs to catch up. Such is the case with me. During the day I’m so busy with work that there is little time to be sad about Birdy, but when I do have a few moments alone to think, sorrow seeps in through the cracks. I wish I didn’t care. I wish I was one of those strong women who just immediately recognizes her worth and never looks back. The way things went down, I can only extrapolate that despite my feelings for him, Birdy neither respected or valued me. That’s what hurts the most, coming to grips with the realization that I meant nothing to him.

Despite this, I am handling this somewhat better than  I would have expected. Because Birdy was quite distant in the first place, I am not feeling his loss that traumatically. I was always profoundly aware that I never “had” him in the first place. He would take hours to return my texts (if at all), and he would often keep me hanging about if he would spend time with me on the weekend. I’d have to drop my plans at a moments notice if and when he decided to grace me with is presence– not cool … but I always jumped when he requested, and I have only myself to blame for that. That’s something I have to work on. Rationally, I know what I’m supposed to do here. I’m supposed to be thankful for the fun times we had (and I felt that there were many), and take what I learned about myself and how I deal with the opposite sex, and move on to something more fulfilling. There are seven million people in the world. Surely amongst them, someone is a match for me.

Perhaps I have to redefine Prince Charming. Maybe Prince Charming is just some shiny asshole in tinfoil. Who would want a knight in shining armor? All pristine and bright but never tested in battle. Maybe what I am looking for is a man who is as tarnished and battle worn as myself.

I wanted to take some kind of action. What could I do to get my head into a happier space while my heart could catch up with reality? I know one place where sadness has a tough time reaching me: New York City. Just like Superman retreats to his Fortress of Solitude, Caroline too feels recharged when she is back in the The City (it’s something of a spiritual homeland for me). What will I find there? Well actually I won’t be looking for anything. I just want to eat a bagel at Murray’s, walk through Central Park with a Levain cookie in my hand, and get lost in one of the world’s most amazing cities as I immerse myself in art and culture. So that’s exactly what I did. I booked myself a very last minute holiday.

It’s very unlike me to make travel decisions without great forethought, but the weekend following New Years, I’m off to New York for five days. I got a fab deal! I think it might be exactly what I need. I need to treat myself the way I want to be treated: with love, kindness, and dignity. This is what a woman who loves herself would do, so that’s exactly what I did.

I want to thank all of you for your very kind words and sweet comments on my previous post. Although I have only “met” a couple of you, I genuinely feel like you are my friends. It means so much to me the way that you have been my support system. I adore you ladies!

Thank you ❤ and happy holidays to you all!

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In my last post I told you that I had plans to see the fireworks with a friend. Plans changed. BS (yes, that is really this person’s initials) is kind of an A-hole. I don’t see BS often, and there is a reason for that. Have you ever spent time with someone, who just drains the life out of you like a blood sucking vampire? It’s kind of like they feed on your goodness only to leave you feeling absolutely deflated. BS is that sort of animal. Sometimes people like that are family members, and we have no choice but to be tolerant and turn the other cheek, but why would someone actually volunteer to spend time with someone like that out of their own free will?

It’s pretty pathetic, but let me just be honest: sometimes I really dread feeling alone and would rather be with a shithead than be on my own. How lousy is that? Yeah, I still have a lot of self-work to do, that much is obvious. BS has this ugly habit of always insulting my religion. I try to shake it off, but BS grabs onto it like a dog with a bone and will not let go. It is just one insult after another, and I can’t help but feeling terribly offended. I tend not to speak up about it. I know that if I do things will get ugly… and then last night I was lying in bed, and I decided, NO, I was not going to let this continue. I texted BS to explain my feelings. BS told me that this is just who they are, and that I have to accept it if I want to hang out. To make a long story short, we parted ways. Apparently I wasn’t a friend enough to deserve any sort of respect. I was only required as a doormat, not as a person with actual thoughts and feelings.

I have nobody to blame but myself for allowing that kind of treatment. Somehow I got used to it, not just with BS, but with a lot of people.  When you get used to something for long enough, it becomes your “normal,” even if it isn’t actually normal at all. In fact, it’s sticking up for myself that feels positively uncomfortable for me. It is unfortunate, but as a little girl, I got picked on a lot. I was the subject of severe bullying, and I know it took a huge toll on me. It really effected my self esteem, even well into adulthood. As a wife, I kept quiet to keep the peace with the in laws. I just wanted to be liked. It didn’t matter what it cost me. It’s strange how I am still battling those old demons today. Some say life keeps throwing us the same lessons over and over again until we learn. Maybe I am learning.

It is highly unlikely that I am going to see the fireworks now. Maybe I might catch a glimpse of light from the porch, but I most certainly did celebrate Independence Day in my own special way. I didn’t feel bad, like I was loosing a friend, I felt like I was getting rid of something very heavy. I love it when I do the right thing LOL. It doesn’t happen every day. Today I gave myself a special kind of independence, and there were no fireworks necessary.

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Happy New Year my lovelies! It’s almost time to start 2016. I have to say, I have a feeling this year is going to become a fine vintage. Something awesome is going to happen. I feel it in my bones. I am feeling hopeful and relaxed in a way which I haven’t felt in along time.

Unlike any year before, this year I actually have a resolution. I resolve to make a conscious effort to just “let go.” Imagine this… what if, in your your hands you held a lot of stuff. What if that stuff was your life? Imagine that it comprises of all the thoughts and feelings you have. Good stuff, bad stuff, memories, a laundry list of “to do’s” and obligations. Imagine that the stuff in your hands (both good and bad) weights a lot. It is all you could possibly carry. Now, what if something new comes in your life, something awesome, and you want to pick it up but you can’t because your what you are holding on it is already at its peak capacity? If you haven’t figured it out, what I’m trying to say is that if we keep holding on to negative thoughts, memories of what happened when someone hurt us, fears and worries, it makes it almost impossible to pick up new ones. It is too hard to hold on to good when you can’t let go of bad.

One thing I resolve to do is to stop writing about any of my exes. That goes for ex boyfriend(s) and ex husband(s). They have taken up enough space. I have held on to such heavy sadness for so long that my hands bled. No, it stops here.

While this started out as kind of a divorce blog,  I don’t want it to be that anymore. My divorce is well and truly over. The bridges to my past are burned beyond recognition. I’m not saying I will no longer think of it. I’m not even saying I will no longer feel sad about. What I am saying is I am turning the page, and one of the ways I plan to do that is by not giving people who didn’t recognize my worth any more real estate on my website. It’s time for a clear out dollies! I’m leaving all the sh*t on the curbside with the other garbage. No more dirty feet allowed on my beautiful soul :D.

So yeah, this year I challenge myself to clean out as much negativity as I can. I want and I need to let go. I want to make a conscious effort to nurture my tiny seed of hopefulness into something epic! I hope you will join me because I think there is going to be some really cool stuff along the way.

What about you daaaahlings? Will you be making any resolutions?

 

UntitledToday’s post is dedicated to all the lovely moms out there. I think being a mother is the hardest job in the world (which is partly why I never wanted to become one), but I admire and respect anyone who has taken it on. Honestly, I don’t know how you mothers do it. When I think of all the time, love, and sacrifice involved in being a good parent, it kind of overwhelms me. It takes a special woman to be a mother.

In honor of all you lovely ladies, today I thought I would share my absolute favorite poem in the world:  Phenomenal Woman by Maya Angelou. I’ve read these words during some really dark times. They helped me hold my head up when I was at my lowest. This poem helped me to feel strong, if only for a moment, and sometimes a moment is all we need to take the deep breath that allows us to put the next foot in front of the other. The power of words can be transformative… pure magic.

I hope this poem reminds you of that mysterious power that lies in all of us women: our “special something” that Maya Angelou describes so well. Today I dedicate it to all the mothers out there. You are phenomenal, never let anyone tell you otherwise.

Wishing you a happy Mother’s Day.

Phenomenal Woman

by Maya Angelou

Pretty women wonder where my secret lies.
I’m not cute or built to suit a fashion model’s size
But when I start to tell them,
They think I’m telling lies.
I say,
It’s in the reach of my arms,
The span of my hips,
The stride of my step,
The curl of my lips.
I’m a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That’s me.
I walk into a room
Just as cool as you please,
And to a man,
The fellows stand or
Fall down on their knees.
Then they swarm around me,
A hive of honey bees.
I say,
It’s the fire in my eyes,
And the flash of my teeth,
The swing in my waist,
And the joy in my feet.
I’m a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That’s me.
Men themselves have wondered
What they see in me.
They try so much
But they can’t touch
My inner mystery.
When I try to show them,
They say they still can’t see.
I say,
It’s in the arch of my back,
The sun of my smile,
The ride of my breasts,
The grace of my style.
I’m a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That’s me.
Now you understand
Just why my head’s not bowed.
I don’t shout or jump about
Or have to talk real loud.
When you see me passing,
It ought to make you proud.
I say,
It’s in the click of my heels,
The bend of my hair,
the palm of my hand,
The need for my care.
’Cause I’m a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That’s me.

Well daaaahlings, it’s that time of year again… goodie time! Yeah I know, it’s supposed to be all about love and family and all that good stuff, but come on, show me someone who doesn’t like a nice present once in a while. Wether you celebrate any of the season’s holidays or not, we all deserve to treat ourselves well. Nobody should ever have to justify buying themselves or a loved one something special, even if it’s a little over the top. Life is too short. If something can make you happy, and you can afford it, what are you waiting for? I mean, it’s not like we take our money into the grave with us, right?

So, obviously you are just dying to know what is on my list. I thought I’d make it easy for you. Here is my holiday wish list for 2014.

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1. The thing I want most in the world is something that can’t be bought (if only it were that easy). I want a man who is worthy of me. I want him to love me without measure. I want him to be educated, intelligent, generous and kind. I sometimes wonder if he is out there. My heart tells me that God didn’t bring me this far only to leave me without the thing I want the most. Despite what I’ve been through, I still hold myself in high regard, I know my worth, and I’m not going to run after the first man who crosses my path. I know what I want, and I won’t settle for anything less, not ever.

Go big or go home, I need the 15 inches. I'm tired of little weenies (aka Dr ManWhore).
Go big or go home, I need the 15 inches. I don’t like  little weenies (Dr ManWhore’s penis was proof of that).

2. …but if I can’t have a man, I’d like an Apple MacBook Pro LOL. I miss my lovely iMac. I left it behind when I left England. Normally I love a nice big desk top computer, but my life is transient at the moment. I may end up moving around a bit until I can get settled, so I think a laptop would better suit my lifestyle right now. I want the 15 inch one. When it comes to screen size, size definitely matters.

Mmmm... I just want to lick it!
Mmmm… I just want to lick it!

3. Let’s also throw in something that has been on my gift list for several years now: a Parentesi cocktail ring with green quartz and pavé diamonds by Bvlgari. According to D.H. Lawrence, “A woman unsatisfied must have luxuries, but a woman who loves a man would sleep on a board.” From this quote, you may be able to infer why I feel like I need a big F’ing gobstopper like this one. Vulgar? Perhaps. Fabulous? Abso-freaking-lutely.

As you can see, I don’t ask for much ;). You have seven shopping days to make my wishes come true. I hope you signed up for overtime!

So, what is on your list this year? Whatever it is, I wish you all the joys in the world. Holiday kisses to all of you!