IMG_0783
Well, it didn’t work out with Prince. Did you foresee that one my lovelies? It ended about a month ago. The red flags were bountiful, but starving hearts eat lies when they are hungry. Such was the case with little piggy Caroline. I won’t go though the litany of details, because quite frankly I’m ashamed of myself for not leaving much earlier like any normal person would have. To summarize, even though it started off beautifully, there ended up being loads of drama and tons of lies. At the end, our relationship really started to feel awful. It was time to walk away. Suffice it to say, I’m back where I started, which I guess wasn’t anywhere that horrible to begin with. It is lonely at times, sure, but I’ve learned how to cope with that.

Shortly following the breakup, I was feeling kinda low. Prince became a big part of my life. We would spend loads of time together, and now there was just empty space. I felt hollow and sad.  It was time to lift my vibration. That’s Law of Attraction speak for “getting my groove back.” So how did I attempt to do that? 

Eating good food. When in a relationship I tend to eat more, and not necessarily healthy stuff. I just don’t feel good about myself when I start putting on weight on. My clothes get tight and uncomfortable, and I don’t feel pretty. It kind of puts a buzz kill on everything for me. For better or for worse, my walks that ended at the Italian bakery for the cheesecake I loved so much are a thing of the past. For the time being, I’m saying no to stuff that isn’t good for me (well, Monday though Friday at least). I’m focusing on eating better quality, natural foods, and I’ve reduced my consumption of Diet Coke. The weight loss is slow going, but then again, it always is. It’s about staying focused and committed and not giving up. I’m going to NYC again in a few days, so that’s not going to help, but whateva. Slim thighs may just have to wait just a bit longer. 

Consuming happy thoughts. What you put in your head is just as important as what you put into your body — if not more. When a relationship ends, it’s not uncommon for your partner to insult you, and unfortunately, sometimes those insults stick and burn ugly holes inside you. Alright, so maybe watching episode after episode of the Marvelous Mrs Maisel and Fleabag (on Amazon Prime) aren’t going to enrich me exactly, but they were welcome distractions when I needed them, funny and entertaining. It doesn’t always have to be educational. Sometimes feeling good is  enough. And if you aren’t at the point where you are ready to feel good, amusingly distracted is okay too. It’s certainly a step in the right direction. Never be annoyed with yourself for not being able to jump from point A to point B on the emotional spectrum at the snap of a finger. It just doesn’t work that way. Baby steps are quite alright. 

Moving: I hate exercise. Abhor it. It’s been months (maybe more like year) since I set foot in the gym, and that wasn’t about to change. I do walk loads though and set myself a lofty Fitbit goal. Things slipped. I’m now back on track and feeling better about myself. Getting outside, fresh air, the sun on my skin, it does wonders. Another active thing I like to do?  I blast some kick ass music on my headphones and dance in my underwear. Don’t ask LOL. All I can tell you is that this ritual of mine feels super uplifting. Instant happiness.

Being social. I’m an introvert so this doesn’t come easy, but I’ve been putting myself out there. When you feel low, the last thing you want to do is be friendly, but it works a certain sort of magic.  I talk about my feelings to whoever will listen. I talk extremely openly, because by being so honest, it opens the door for others to be honest in return.  And I smile. And people smile back, and I can’t tell you why exactly, but there is something very reassuring when someone you don’t really know returns your smile. It’s like a secret code of good will and positive energy.

Looking to the future with happy expectation. I thought after Prince I probably would just give up on the whole dating thing. No. I won’t. I believe that love is out there. Maybe it doesn’t come wrapped in the pretty ribbon I had imagined, but I still believe that the Universe has my back. Sometimes people leave our lives for the simple fact that they aren’t meant to stay. That is okay. What’s mine will find me. But looking to the future isn’t just about romance, it’s also about planning things I can look forward to. For example, I love stand up comedy. I’ve been lucky enough to see Joan Rivers preform (right before she died), and also Chris Rock. Now I’m going to see Jim Gaffigan. It’s not till December, but I’m super excited about it.  As always, I  will continue plan little getaways and restaurant dates (even if those dates are by myself). I love my little adventures.

I recently did hear from Prince. His father passed away from cancer. I was very sad to hear the news, as his dad was a lovely man. This post is not about dragging Prince through the mud. Sometimes two people are just not a match, and trying to hammer a square peg into a round hole is just painful and futile. I feel that such was the case with us.  He may be a prince, but he isn’t MY prince. We shared some very happy times together that I will treasure in my memories. There are no hard feelings, I send him my love and good wishes.

Screen Shot 2019-05-07 at 6.20.24 PM.png

I have become very cautious of writing about men on this blog. I hate writing about someone and then the following week they are gone, but I have found someone who has become very special to me in a very short time, and I’m dying to spill the beans. Grab your barf bags, because I going to get sappy. I can’t help it. This one does that to me.  In the post before this one, you may noticed that I was getting pretty disgusted by the opposite sex. I always prided myself on keeping an open heart and not allowing myself to become jaded, but I think little icicles were starting to form. Back in the day when a man was acting less than gentlemanly, I’d laugh it off and continue chatting … I stopped doing that shit. I started standing my ground once I concluded that these men weren’t worth my time or the dignity I lost by sharing space with them. Life is too short to breathe the same air as a mysoginist fucktard who thinks a woman’s only purpose is to look hot in a selfie. Besides, who do these guys think they are with their receding hairlines, dad bods, and exorbitant child support payments? Fuck no.

I wanted more. And though I had hoped that I’d find it, I also had to accept that I might not. I’d have to make peace with the loneliness. I’d have to be okay that all the love in my heart might never be shared. It wasn’t okay, but I knew I’d have to put on my big girl panties and deal with it. I wasn’t going to give up, but I wasn’t going to settle.

And when I started to let go of my dream, to love and be loved by someone I respected and admired, it happened. It’s very much in the early stages, but I feel strongly that when you know, you just know. And this time, I know. For the purposes of this blog, I shall refer to this someone as Prince.

I’ll start by saying that I knew I liked him before we met. I can’t remember enjoying talking with someone so much. Our conversation just flowed so effortlessly. God that man can talk for England LOL. My nickname for him is Teddy Ruxpin because he never shuts off. He was fun, engaging, and he told interesting stories in a somewhat swoon worthy South African accent. But after meeting him in person, I knew this man was going to be someone very special in my life. I was definitely attracted to him. He is 6’1, athletic (he played division 1 hockey and polo on a professional level), and he has such a boyish, youthful face. The only give away to his age is the color of his hair. He held my hand and made a lot of physical contact with me in a way that was affectionate but completely undemanding. In fact, we didn’t kiss that night. He was a true gentleman. After that night he asked me if I believed at love at first sight. I never thought I would believe in something so ridiculous… until now.

We are very much alike, despite coming from very different backgrounds. His is one of privilege. He went to the same boarding school as JFK and Ivanka Trump. He was raised by au pairs, not parents, and every activity he was involved in was calculated to make him a success. All he knew was about performing. At ten he already spoke three languages. So what could hippie dippie unicorn riding Caroline possibly have in common with such a man? Well, despite our very different lives, we somehow think the same thoughts, react the same way, and share the same kind of crazy (the batshit variety… let’s call it like it is, shall we?). He has a very soft heart that he only allows only me to see me. He is a well respected equine surgeon and when one of his horses has to be put down, it’s me that he lets wipe his tears.

He is a romantic. He sends me the most beautiful texts. He devotes so much of his time to me— which is absolutely unheard of in my experiences. I’m used to men who avoid communication at all costs. But we spend hours talking and texting throughout the day. Teddy Ruxpin, I tell you, always on… even when I’m ready to close my eyes, especially when I’m ready to close my eyes, and sometimes when my eyes are closed! I love it how he makes me feel like I’m part of something bigger. He has talked about me to his mom, and I have met his dad during a very vulnerable time (Prince’s dad has stage 4 cancer). That he’s incorporated me into his life like this, it makes me feel safe. It makes me feel like I’m not going to be tossed away without a care, as I’ve experienced in the past.

I’d like to think that now will begin the next stages of this blog, in which I no longer write about my shitty encounters with men children. It may have been funny, but it wasn’t fun. It was lonely and disheartening. I hope the next part of my blog is about my adventures with Prince, and relearning what it feels like to love and be loved.

Today is our one month anniversary. Yeah, its not huge, but for me it’s a major milestone. We’ve had a couple hiccups in that time, I won’t lie, but I am unfazed. I don’t want Prince to be perfect. I want him to be human and flawed, just like I am. What matters, when you boil things down to its true essence, despite any roadblocks, Prince is still here. He hasn’t let go of my hand. Consistency. Friendship. Love. It’s everything I wanted. Not perfection, but happiness.

Maybe there is hope for me yet. Watch this space.

 

Despite what everyone says about it (that it’s purely a hookup website), I tried Tinder for a while.  At first I thought it was pretty great. What I loved about the app is that people are only matched with those they are mutually attracted to. I was matched with many successful and attractive men. On paper, these men appear like amazing catches. The downside? For some reason Tinder seems to be a place where men  and women throw respect out the window. It is absolutely bizarre, and quite disturbing. Women are not even treated human beings, they are just sort of like animal flesh. It’s so ugly. I deleted my account today because I could feel myself starting to hate men. I don’t want to be like that. I know good men exist … just maybe not on Tinder.

Offenses range from the mild to the extreme, as I shall demonstrate here. Let’s start with an extreme case, shall we?? Unfortunately I don’t have full screenshots to prove this one, you will have to trust me. I wouldn’t make this stuff up. I present exhibit A(nthony).

Anthony.jpgHe then went on to ask me if I ever had sex with a family member. I shit you not. He revealed what I guess was supposed to be an absolutely scintilating morsel, but I think I vomited in my mouth a bit: apparently when he was younger (I don’t know what age “younger” is), he would sneak into his mom’s room in the dark and have sex with her. This was my first, and hopefully last, encounter with a true “motherfucker.” I replied, “okay, I don’t think we are a match.” I just didn’t know what else to say. I was kind of stunned. At that point HE blocked ME, because you know, I’m a freaking weirdo. And then the text thread disappeared –otherwise you know how I love my screenshots. Tinder ladies. Run as fast as your legs will carry you. 

And speaking of legs, are yours sexy? You better hope so!  So what if you have only two IQ points? According to this guy’s profile, he is a palliative care doctor which makes him really sensitive to humanity and appreciative of life and shit. 

Dr Legs.jpg

So according to a guy friend, my response to him was too extreme. When I showed the exchange to Crazy Kay, she was more offended than I was.  What do you think? This is very typical of what you find on Tinder. I felt very much like a cow being inspected at a market for my fat to muscle ratio, not like a human being.  It upset me. 

Here’s another conversation about a guy going off on how women who expect men to pay for a date are like prostitutes…

IMG_8808.jpg

IMG_8809.jpg

Alright Captain Caveman, you become a special little fucktard right here on my blog. How do you like that one? And lucky you, this one is on the house!

The final guy is a very basic schmuck, but my last straw. He is a  civil trial lawyer. First of all, I absolutely can’t stand it when some guy I never met in person starts a conversation with “Hi sexy” …. I quite literally cringe. You don’t fucking know me like that buddy! Is that how you speak to strange women at the grocery store? Because you know me little better. I wondered whether to respond, and decided I would. Maybe I’m just really uptight.  I thought, okay he made a mistake, give the guy a chance.  Here is how that went…

hey sexy.jpg

Again, men always asking me for more pictures … irritating. How about you try to get to know me instead? I mean you can see he isn’t really making much of an effort to understand who I am as a person.IMG_9073.jpg

I tried to be cute, but the truth is I was really pissed off. I left it there. And then I ruminated… and then ruminated some more.  Over an hour had passed, and in that time  I really became angry, furious actually. Why was I doing this? And then came my little rant. So you understand, it isn’t about this one guy in particular, was a culmination of all the dirsrespect (of which this post is only a sampling).

Untitled.jpg

And with that thoughtfully crafted response, delivered about eight hours later, I felt no regrets whatsoever. Moral of the story: if you want to keep your faith in humanity, do not open the Pandora’s box known as Tinder. Satan will find you there!!!!!

IMG_9049.jpg

Recently I had a conversation with some random person who told me his ten commandments for life. I decided to come up with my own.
be4ce098fee3f69c67e1b8fd25f74be2.jpg

Rule number one: Show up. If my life had a motto, this wold be it. I have used it to get me through many a tough time. Sometimes life is crazy and scary and completely out of control. Your just want to hide and hope it will go away. Take this magic little pill: just show up. You don’t kneed to know what to do or how to do it. Just put one foot in front of the other, and the path will reveal itself. I can’t tell you how many times  this has gotten me to where I needed to be.

Rule number two:  if it makes you happy, do it. Selfish? Maybe. Is that so bad to put yourself first? I’m not talking about doing something that is going to hurt someone. You are hopefully wise enough to distinguish right from wrong. I’m talking about following your bliss. Care about how you feel. If you don’t, who will?

Rule number three: Do what you can while you can with what you have. Tomorrow the money might not be there, the health might not be there, or the opportunity. The time is now. Don’t waste it. Tell the ones you love you love them while they are still around. Eat the donut(s). Do that thing. You know what I’m talking about: THAT thing. You will never live this moment again.

7e5dc4de767f278d65ae8925ed3c0b16.jpg

Rule number four: Forgive. My dad always used to say, “forgive and forget.” Well I’m not Jesus, nor do I have Alzheimer’s, but I found that forgiveness is actually possible. Learning that was nothing short of a revelation for me. Sure forgiveness the most beautiful, amazing, life-altering, and soul lightening gift I have ever received. Bitterness is poison that only we taste, not the person we are mad it. If time and distance from your situation allows, do it (see rule #3).

I always thought that phrase, “forgiveness is the gift you give yourself,” was a bunch of crap. It’s not.

348d1a_2fd997b74a4a4200a0dc7daf819dda58_mv2.jpg

Rule number five: Trust that the Universe is working in your favour, and everything is going to be okay. Better than okay my lovelies! There was a time when I couldn’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. I genuinely thought my life was over. Things were so bad that even if I could have whatever I wished for, my head wasn’t even capable of finding the wish that could right the wrongs. I don’t know how it happened exactly (I think it has a lot to do with rule number one), but I’m ok again. No, it’s not perfect, but it’s beautiful in its imperfection, and I am indeed okay. So will you be.

Number six: Be what you want. If you want love, give love. If you need peace, be a source of peace for someone else. If you need help, help someone. Try it. It will make you feel good in the process.

Untitled

Rule number seven: Show gratitude. Become aware of your many blessings. Train your brain to find the good. There will be days when this feels close to impossible, but there is always something. There is the warmth of the sun that shines on your skin, and your two eyes that open every morning. When you can appreciate those things that we often take for granted, life gets a lot sweeter. When you are aware of the good, the universe rewards you with more good.

IMG_2002

Number eight: Know that you are powerful. Yeah, it doesn’t always feel like it, but you are. You are the number one player in this story that is your life, and you decide how things go. Don’t make yourself small, the victim of unfortunate circumstances. Act when you feel inspired. You know what to do, deep down. Do it. Don’t let life just happen to you.

IMG_1985

Number nine: Embrace your weird. It’s okay to be different. The wold would be a pretty boring place if we were all the same. Let your weird light shine so that the other wierdos can find you. Wierd is a side effect of awesome.

Last but not least: Be kind. Sometimes that goodness you need isn’t there, but maybe, in some small way, we can give that goodness to someone else who needs it. I guess this is very much like #6, but it’s more focused on radiating good without the need of getting anything back. The world needs that. Even if you can only do that by giving a kind smile or by telling someone they look pretty today, be that person. You never know what kind of power a small kindness can have. Maybe your small light is the only light someone gets on a really bad day. I can’t tell you how many times a small act of kindness can ripple into something huge.

What about you? What would your rules be?

IMG_8137.jpgI’m often come across talk of “soulmates,” about how there is that one someone special out there for everyone. Every shoe has it’s perfect match, apparently. I could probably just be content with someone whose company I enjoy, though obviously I do wish for more. I want the fairytale, if such things even exist, but I’m not holding my breath. Nothing and no one is perfect, so I’m not holding out for that. I get really disheartened at times when I see what’s out there though. I have dropped my standards when it comes to what I expect out of a man, but I refuse to let go of them completely. I shouldn’t have to. 

About a week ago I was excited when a fairly okay looking doctor (but who I suspect is balding since his pictures seemed somewhat strategically cropped) reached out to me. Let’s start off with a little snippet from his dating profile…

IMG_8108.jpg

Sounds good right? Perfect for me.

We exchanged numbers and texted a bit. He didn’t seem anything like the guy in the profile. Actually, the man was pure and unadulterated asshole. Here excerpt from our conversation…

Untitled.png

IMG_8131.jpg

Well, to make a long story short, we did not meet. I was completely put off.

So, as far as soul mates are concerned,  I accept the responsibility of being my own. The way things are going down, that’s the only choice I really have. And I got to tell ya, I’m getting kind of awesome with the way I treat me. I think I’d make a fab boyfriend! I didn’t want me to feel sad on Valentine’s Day so I did all sorts of lovely things for myself. I am loving myself in the way that I would like someone to love me. I guess that’s the next best thing. Admittedly, it’s a far cry from having a romantic partner, but I’m not going to lower myself to the degree where I’m going to waste my time with a butt wipe, whom I imagine is probably a racist and a Trump supporter (yeah, I totally made that up in my head, but I believe it wholeheartedly). The spirits of my female ancestors did not manifest in my soul so that I could be the foot stool for some fuckwit’s feet. This much I know. Therefore, if I can’t get kindness and respect from a man, I shall give it to myself. In the process, I have decided that I may just ridicule the douche bags that cross my path on my blog  … because, hey, it’s kinda fun. And if I wasn’t able to laugh about it, I’d probably cry. Those of you who know me, know that I do that too. A bit less often these days, but it still happens.

So how did I treat myself on Valentine’s Day? I bought myself a lovely Marc Jacobs tote. It is perfect for work. I plan to use it as my everyday bag. It has this gorgeous bright red interior that makes me feel happy every time I open it. And guess what? I didn’t even buy it on sale. I just treated myself to exactly what I wanted when I wanted it. It was a bit pricey, but whateva. I also ate some delicious buttery shortbread. One by one, I polished off the whole box. For dinner I made myself one of my favorites: wings. I make mine in the oven. It’s an easy recipe: 1 part honey to 1 part harissa (Moroccan spice paste) which I brush on to the chicken once it is cooked and crispy, then back in the oven another five minutes. The trick to getting them crispy is to pat them as dry as possible when raw, salt them, and then cook them on a high temperature on a rack that allows the fat to render. No oil. Nothing is as good as fried, but this is a very satisfying alternative. Try it, tell me what you think.

I do acknowledge that there are good men out there. I have met a few. I know they actually exist, but I haven’t met the one who is right for me. Until then, I am in my own care. I want to do right by me. Partner or not, I hope you will do the same. Nobody will ever know how you need to be teated better than you. Be careful of what you tolerate because you are showing people what you will accept. Show them how it’s done dollies!

Lots of love and kisses to all my readers on Valentine’s Day. I love you. 

IMG_8091.jpg

Dating is so crap sometimes. Before it even gets to arranging to meet someone, you have to chat. And I’ve chatted with so many douchebags, that I literally have the urge to sew up my vagina sometimes. My list of deleted numbers resembles something of a telephone directory. So many men give so little and expect so much. Plus they have the attention span of a handful of peanuts. One day they are texting you sweet and silly words, the next day they have forgotten you exist. I KNOW I deserve more than that shit. And there is no fucking way I’m going to accept it. I’d definitely rather be alone … except I don’t reaaaaaly want to be alone. I want to share my life with someone wonderful and worthy. Sometimes I get so disheartened. Is there a guy out there who is right for me? Am I just too strange? I know I’m kind of niche— I’m not going to be everyone’s cup of tea. I figure I’m more of a matcha latte. Honestly, I wouldn’t have it any other way. I love who I am and who I’m becoming. I’d just really like to “become” with an amazing man by my side.

There was this lawyer I went on a date with. He made a big freaking deal about me not being able to use chopsticks. A huge deal. I have only had sushi a few times in my life, so perhaps I do look kinda silly trying to utilize them, but why did he have such a strong desire to try to embarrass me? What ever happened to being a gentleman? Do you know why I don’t eat sushi much? I DONT LIKE IT. I put my likes aside to spend time with someone, and enjoy something THEY like, and I am rewarded with ridicule. Not friendly ridicule, but a purposely nasty kind of disdain. Nice, huh? Total troglodyte!

Here is a snippet of conversation I had with with another fucktard. Clearly he had only one intention in mind in trying to meet me:

Screen Shot 2019-01-25 at 4.36.43 PM.png

These are not uneducated men: a doctor and a lawyer. What they have in common is a lack of empathy, and an extreme sense of entitlement. Chivalry isn’t dead, it’s more likely to have been murdered and then drowned in its own tears. Common decency and respect is just sooooo over and outdated.

Tonight I’m having my second date with a man I shall call Derwood. Derwood is hot! He has the sexiest arms ever. Ever. He is quite charming in a strange sort of way, and I am wickedly attracted to him … but … well, he seems a tad dumb, if I’m honest, juvenile. Plus, like most men, his interest in me seems mostly sexual. I want to be with a man who seems to really want to get to know me, a man I can respect and look up to. I had so much fun making out with Derwood in his car at the end of date number one, that I made an exception, however. I ended up breaking my no kissing on a first date rule for him. So despite acknowledging that this probably has no potential, I am really looking  forward to seeing him tonight … but then I found out the movie he chose for us to watch is practically a kids movie *sigh.* No, I’m pretty sure Derwood is not “the one.”

And this is the general trend in my love life, my dear readers. I do believe the man I’m looking for is out there somewhere. I wish he would stop hiding. I’ve kissed enough frogs. I want something good and real… and soon!

IMG_8094.jpg

IMG_7753.jpg
Fin DAC & Kevin Ledo collaboration in Wynwood, Miami

Hello my lovelies, I’ve not written in a while. Kind of been laying low. How was the start to your New Year? It’s not a favorite holiday of mine (because I always wish I had someone special to celebrate it with), but it was okay actually. I rang it in with one of my favorite treats: a Godiva chocolate covered macaroon. So yeah, not earth shatteringly awesome, but not bad. The good news is, I didn’t spend it feeling sorry for myself. That’s progress.

Since I last wrote, my friend T lost her battle with cancer. That was pretty major. But the thing is, it was inevitable. I knew it was going to happen. I just didn’t know when, and I was dreading finding out. When it did happen, I was deeply sad, but not surprised. She practically lived in the hospital. Always in and out, always breaking bones, and she had constant trouble with her breathing. At the end of her life, she was carrying an oxygen tank with her wherever she went. T was definitely a fighter though, and always hopeful.  Always making plans, assuming that there would be a tomorrow. I feel so blessed that my life path ran parallel to such an amazing and loving human being. She was my sister, just not by blood, and I will always love her dearly.

I’ve gone on a few dates, though nobody is worth actual mention. I continue to put myself out there believing that one day, it’s going to happen for me. It’s encouraging that at my age I still get attention from very eligible and attractive men. Last week a rather handsome guy took me to Wynwood to check out some street art and chow down on the uber fabulous fried chicken at KYU. I honestly can’t remember having better (this was my second time going). That sauce it comes with … well, that must be what people mean when they say “awesome sauce.” Chicken was followed by some deliciously sweet and fluffy coconut cake. I’m not sure what it says about me that I talk about the food with so much more excitement than the man. He was nice … meh … nice. I’m not looking for NICE, I want to FEEL something… you know? Like with the fried chicken LOL. Passion. I seem to be no closer to finding love since I last wrote, but I keep trudging on.

fl-sf-kyu-restaurant-101116f-ng-20161012.jpg

As for work, its been crazy as usual, but I actually had a very good month. I must have been a very good little show pony, as I was recognized as the best on my team for December. Plus, two of my customers left me great feedback on good service I provided. I must admit, it felt great to be recognized. I really did work hard. I hoping 2019 might have a promotion in store.

And that, my dears, is really it. What’s been going on with you? I wish you everything good and sweet in 2019 and always.

Tons of love,

Caroline

Things have been very even and quiet. Nothing monumentally exciting since my birthday post. These days, I’m happy to say, that although there are a few bored days, sad days have declined dramatically, which is completely awesome. Is it because I’m not stressing over any guys anymore? I wonder. As usual, I always try to find happiness where it’s available. I try to relish those those things and immerse myself in them as best I can . Here are some things making me happy at the moment…

Untitled
My MacBook Pro. This is my first post written from my very own computer. Although I have yet to get comfortable with all the features, I am loving my new laptop. I was told by a coworker (who used to work at Apple), that what I bought was way too sophisticated for my needs. Whatever dear, whatever. I like knowing that I have the best. It’s a big purchase, so I prefer knowing that by spending extra, I have future proofed my new toy. This little lovely ain’t goin’ nowhere. One of the coolest features is the little strip above the keyboard, the touch bar. Looks the freakin’ business even if I don’t know how to use it too well.

Screen Shot 2018-07-08 at 10.00.24 AM.png
Retail therapy: yeah, so on that note I do love spending a bit of money. When I’m down, my two go to’s are eating and retail therapy. I get that from my mom. Well hey, at least I’m not smoking crack with Satan, eh? I’m just ringing up charges at Anthropologie. They have some super cute stuff fright now. I got these adoreable chinos for work (which I’ve already worn), plus I bought a dress I liked. I’m waiting for it to arrive in the mail. I hope it fits right. Don’t ask me where I’m going to wear it, that’s irrelevant LOL. Originally it was $228 and I got it on sale for about $80. I adore the cute fish print.

Screen Shot 2018-07-08 at 10.05.50 AM.png
Rubios fish tacos: speaking of fish, I positively adore the fried fish tacos at Rubio’s. I’d say I’m becoming a regular. Yeah, it’s a chain, but what can I say, when it’s right, it’s right. The Fish Taco Especial? Sooooooooo right. I love the hot and crispy deep fried shell that surrounds the flaky pollock, I love the coolness of the avocado and the sauces they use. I love it how they make everything on the spot and everything is super fresh. Sure, grilled is healthier, and they do that too, but life is short. This is one of my go to’s when I am in need of a delicious treat meal. AND it’s cheap. These are $2 each on Taco Tuesday (though I usually save this for the weekend). These tacos are so much better than what I’ve had in much pricier restaurants. Get these tacos in your belly if this chain exists in your neck of the woods. These really are amazing!!!

NTT80_G_NE_Original_v2 copy

Nail Envy by OPI: I’ve never been one to really care about my nails. I’ve only gotten a manicure once in my life, and probably wouldn’t bother again. I keep my nails kind of short. I wear contact lenses, so it’s not really conducive for putting them in and taking them out. On occasions when I have tried to grow my nails, I haven’t been successful. They aren’t that strong and usually tear when I’m in the shower. Lately, however, I’ve been trying to focus a bit more on self care, and doing my fingernails and toenails is part of that. And you know what? This stuff actually works! It’s not terribly cheap ($18), but this product is definitely worth it. It gives a bit of shine, and my nails have never been stronger or healthier. I don’t intend to grow them long or paint them any colors (I’m not a fan of that look), but they do look very well groomed and kind of elegant. That makes me happy.

Yesterday I went to see Won’t You Be My Neighbor, a beautiful documentary about Fred Rodgers (aka Mr. Rogers), a man whose footsteps of love will echo into time. What an incredibly beautiful soul.  There is a saying I like, “The planet does not need more successful people. The planet desperately needs more peacemakers, healers, restorers, storytellers, and lovers of all kinds.” Mr. Rogers was all of those things. His message touched me deeply. I actually cried several times. Despite that,  watching this movie made my heart feel lighter. I was inspired, and I was encouraged by the simple goodness that we all have inside of us. I know we all want to appear all worldly and cool, but if you think of it, isn’t simplicity and love the highest form of sophistication? Isn’t it the paired down, minimalistic truth of what we supposed to be as humans? I think so. I leave you today with my favorite Mr. Rogers quotes. Reading them makes my heart feel giant, happy, and hopeful.

Untitled

IMG_4439

IMG_4435

IMG_4441

IMG_4436

rogers

annetaintor4.jpg

I think about love. I think about it a lot. Maybe it is because I don’t have it. Maybe because I always think it’s the missing link that is going to give me the key to open the door to happiness (yeah, yeah, happiness is inside of me, I heard that one). I’ve been thinking about soul mates. Sometimes they call it twin flames. Other cultures and religions have different names for it. It is a common theme in love.

 

Do you believe in soul mates? I never did. Maybe you will find that odd coming from me, the airy-fairy, unicorn riding Caroline. I believe that I read somewhere that there are 7 billion human inhabitants on this earth, so imagine for a moment that only one of these people is your soul mate. Consider these things: What makes you think you would run into them? What if they live on some remote little island? What is the probability that they speak the same language? That they are within an acceptable age range to you? Or that there will even be mutual attraction.

 

To believe that there is only one special person tailor made just for you? Honestly, I find that depressing, if not completely horrific. The odds of winning the lottery seem better than running into this magical creature.

 

So what do I believe? I believe that there are oodles of “ones” rather than “the one,” but there are a lot of factors to take into account that can disturb the delicate balance. Timing is a big one, our mental state/ how we are feeling when we do meet one of our possibilities, as well as tons of other factors. Everything has to be just right to cultivate the sort of environment that would allow love to bloom … and when it does? It is pure and unadulterated deliciousness. But if you have experienced that deliciousness, you know it’s temporary.  Science confirms this. Romantic love can exist for a very long time, but it evolves. After a while your heart doesn’t flutter when you see them. This doesn’t mean you aren’t happy to see them, it just means that the euphoria fades. The drug like high we get just isn’t sustainable in the long term. It makes us kinda stupid anyway lol — don’t lie, you know EXACTLY what I’m talking about lovelies. This is why, I believe, the fairy tales always end with the marriage where the couple end up living “happily ever after.” WTF does that mean? Does she eat bon bons while sitting under a cherry tree as he goes to work? Does she raise their children and wash the skid marks out of his underwear? Does he cheat on her as she is blissfully unaware? Do they stay forever young and beautiful, never facing any pain or obstacles because they are just so in love. Come on, you know how dumb that sounds. Any way it unfolds, don’t they just go back to real life again?

 

bced63fd6afe1d4466a154300df82fcd

I feel that the whole soulmate thing is completely bullshit. It’s a fairytale that can be dangerous because it creates unrealistic ideas about what love should be: two imperfect people who care enough not to give up on each other, despite the bad times and sometimes poor choices.

Let’s face it, nobody is perfect, and nobody’s relationship is perfect. The most wonderful partner still can make us cry or be a total pain in the ass. Still, we love them. It doesn’t really diminish the relationship, it’s just real. Soul mates? Not so real in my opinion. What do you think?

IMG_2826.jpg

Tito’s rejection really threw me more than I cared to admit. To his credit, he was kind, and he did, in fact, continue our friendship, but boy was I down, fucking depressed actually. I still am. The truth is, It’s all my own fault. I can’t blame Tito for this. He has actually been incredibly decent, a true gentleman. In fact, the way that he handled the situation makes me like him even more (it would be easier to be mad at him and not like him anymore, but the fact is he is pretty awesome). The other night we were texting on WhatsApp and he made me realize that what I’m doing just isn’t working. What I need to do is take action. What I have concluded is that the best action, in the romance department, is no action at all. I tried. I tried so hard … too hard.

Goal: I want to be happy

Thought: My desire to be loved is making me miserable (dare I say to the point where I am no longer finding joy in life – it is truly that bad. I feel awful and hopeless, and I’m just wanting to give up … pretty much on everything). In the last few years I have been absolutely obsessed with the idea that I need to find someone to love and be loved by in return. The results have been absolutely catastrophic to my mental health. I know this. Love isn’t about fun anymore, it’s more about desperation, and I am so sick of being in despair. For fuck sake, I’ve become more of miserable goth now than I ever was in high school, and quite frankly, it feels like shit. Yeah black is sexy and slimming, but being depressed? So ovah!!!

Action: As we enter the new month of April, maybe this is as good a point as any to start something new. Maybe I’ll just give the whole dating deal a rest for now. The highs and lows I am experiencing from dating really aren’t doing me any good. I feel like crap. Too much of my heart and mind is being focused on wether or not someone loves me. Well, what if I cut that out? What if I just stopped trying? What if I give myself a break? What would happen?!?!?!

Action: I am going to revisit the Birthday Challenge. No more dating websites, no more reaching out to men for the purpose of filling this ugly hole in my heart. Though they make me feel better for a little while, the hole just seems to be made deeper once they leave. I think I have to start letting it heal the old fashioned way: with a little time and introspection.

Do you have any idea how much mental energy I give to finding a partner? Maybe you have some idea if you have been reading my blog on a regular basis, but truthfully, it doesn’t even scratch the surface. It’s time to give this a break. I want to see what else I can do with my energy. I want to see what other goals I can focus on.

Yes, I do want a partner, but I DO actually have other goals too. They just kind of got pushed to the side. It’s time to move those to the front and put the relationship stuff on the back burner, because quite frankly, it just isn’t fun anymore. These days it’s downright painful. Here is a list of what I’d like to accomplish as my birthday gift to myself:

  • A steady and upbeat mood
  • Physical well being, I’ve been letting myself go and have lost some of the hard earned progress I worked so hard for. I want to feel better about my appearance.
  • Pride in my work
  • Effort into my friendships
  • Caring about myself and how I feel above all others… aka learning to be selfish.

As a reward, not only do I expect to have accomplished much, but I think some fabulous vacation will be in order. Krazy Cat… you reading this girlie? Let’s plan something! Also I think I’m going to finally buy myself the laptop I’ve been wanting at the end of it. That would be kind of a cool birthday present.

Yeah, fuck boyfriends (for now).