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As you read this, I am in New York City, hopefully having an awesome time hunting Space Invaders in the freezing cold while eating my weights worth of Levain cookies and Murray’s Bagels. A girl needs to insulate herself with a smidge of blubber when she is exploring the frozen tundra after all. There are museums to visit, department stores to browse, and cakes to eat (yep, cakes with an “s”). This requires plenty of fuel dontcha know. Horrific posts of gluttony are soon to follow, I’m sure. For the next few days, I want to ignore the fact that I am unemployed. I will do my upmost not to let it ruin my time here. I prefer to think about that later. I’ve got plenty of time for that.

I do actually have some news, so here goes….

Valentine’s Day is not my favorite day of the year. While I do love limited edition pink and red boxes of shockingly overpriced chocolates, not to mention flowers, I kind of hate this holiday. I don’t need some glaringly obviously reminder that I am alone. But… I’m not so alone this year. I’ve actually met someone, and I am kind of excited about it. Part of me is really freaked about by even writing about him. Part of me thinks that as soon as I put it in black and white, he is going to be gone in a puff of deliciously scented smoke, but I am ready to air my dirty laundry. I wouldn’t go so far as to call him my boyfriend, I think it would be more accurate to say that we are “seeing each other.” While nobody is perfect, he is pretty freaking close.

I shall state my case:

  • He wears Bond No 9’s Sandalwood … it is dead sexy.
  • He is very handsome. He has the most awesome smile, and I love his dark hair and dark eyes.
  • He is smart – I will never fall for a stupid man. What’s the point of beautiful eyes if there is nothing worthwhile in between them? I have to be able to have an intelligent conversation with a person.
  • He is successful in what he does, but unlike a lot of men, he doesn’t define himself by his profession. I love that. Most doctors define themselves by their title, and they tend to have huge egos. He doesn’t.
  • He is very passionate about certain political issues. He has something of a man crush on Bernie Sanders actually LOL. What I think is great is he doesn’t just talk a lot of s*it, he actually is very politically involved and has even taken part in protests where he risked being arrested for speaking out about his beliefs.
  • We share the same birthday, and his first name is the same as my dad’s name. I don’t know why exactly, but that is significant to me… almost as if someone is trying to give me a sign.
  • What I like best about him is that he has never made me feel as anything less than special. Let’s face facts, I am a 4o year old woman who is living with her mother (text book “old maid” material). I don’t have a car. As of Thursday, we can add the fact that I’m unemployed now too.  Though I think I have some wonderful qualities, sadly, I don’t think any man describe me as a catch. Never once, however, did he ever make me feel  shitty or embarrassed about my situation. He has only treated me with kindness and respect … and that my dears, is priceless.

For the sake of this blog, I shall call him Birdy. Why? Because of he reminds me of this poem.

How much does he like me? Honestly I don’t know. He likes me I’m sure, but I have the feeling that I probably have stronger feelings for him than he has for me. I have pre written this post, and I honestly don’t know if he will even be around when this entry gets published. Why? Because I’m afraid I’m a bit of a train wreck. I don’t have the best track record when it comes to men, and I no longer have the confidence in myself to believe that he will stick around (or why he is there in first place). All I can tell you is that since I’ve been living in America, nobody man has come close to this one. He is something rare and wonderful. I kind of know that I am not the only woman who has thought the same of him. What makes me any better than them? Is it possible that some kind of late Christmas miracle is going to happen where he will be able to see the real me that lives behind all this tarnish? What makes me think I have a snowball’s chance in hell? Hope.

Happy Valentine’s day dollies. I love you.

 

Oh Mr Darcy, you must stop undressing me with your eyes!
Oh Mr Darcy, you must stop undressing me with your eyes!

Early last week, I had a few down days. Things were rough at work, and also I am still dealing with some messy and painful feelings with regards to Napoleon. He never responded to my gushy declarations I made after visiting the Frida Kahlo exhibit — I think I came on way too strong. I think I made something of a fool out of myself. All I got was silence, and sometimes a person’s silence has the power to speak louder than words ever could. Unrequited love… it’s a bitch!  I confided in my friend J, and she made me promise that I would stop embarrassing myself.

I don’t need to tell you that real love is not something that a person needs to beg for, it is given freely, openly, and happily. Sometimes my emotions make me forget that. What is the prize in winning a man who doesn’t actually want me?

“You have got to watch the PBS (BBC) version of Pride and Prejudice,” J said, “that is real romance.” J explained that Elizabeth Bennet never begged, she maintained her dignity and wound up with the delicious Mr Darcy without ever abandoning her composure. Perhaps that was a good part of her charm for him.

*Le sigh*  I need to wait for the man who would do anything to be with me, not one I have to chase. Oh Mr Darcy, I am over here daaahling!
*Le sigh*
I need to wait for the man who would do anything to be with me, not one I have to chase. Oh Mr Darcy, I am over here daaahling!

At first, he seemed to find Elizabeth merely “tolerable,” but he became dazzled her her bookish ways, her wit, and her pretty eyes.

Um, Mr Darcy, did you perhaps fail to notice that Ms Caroline also has lovely eyes too? Come a little closer *snigger*
Um, Mr Darcy, did you perhaps fail to notice that Ms Caroline also has lovely eyes? Come a little closer *snigger* I won’t bite… well, not on our first date.
Yes dear, I know. I told you I had pretty eyes.
Yes dear, I know. I told you I had pretty eyes.

Men really are better in books it seems, so much more romantic (not to mention handsome LOL), but I am not looking for perfection. Do you know what I want? My perfect happy ending? It’s not actually a gorgeous man with tons of money. I will tell you what I want, because I have pictured it in my head so many times. In my imagination I can see myself and the man I love. I don’t know what he looks like, that part really isn’t that important. We are sitting on the couch and watching TV. We are not cuddled up together or even touching for that matter. He is seated on one end, and I am on the other. I look over at him, and he is smiling. I feel loved, and in my head, I  am thinking, “Yeah, he’s got my back.” I’ve learned it’s not the poetry, the expensive chocolates, or the sweet words that really mean anything. The real fairy tale starts when all that stuff is over and you are left with someone that you know is going to walk through the sh*t with you, never letting go of your hand. That man is my Mr Darcy, and I can’t wait to meet him.

Cinderella and Prince Charming kiss

“Have courage and be kind”… it’s a line from the Disney version of Cinderella, and it’s the new motto for my life. On Saturday my mom and sister and I went to the mall and saw Cinderella. It was sweet. If you have a daughter, or if you are young at heart, it really is quite darling. Sometimes we all just need a bit of fairy tale magic, don’t we? We want to know that there is a happy ending where the good girls win (and Baby Whore gets flush down the toilet along with the evil ex husband like the turds they are LOL… *le sigh*). Who knows if I’ll ever find a prince and walk off into the sunset holding hands with a man I love. I’d like to stay hopeful and be courageous, despite the gnawing doubt I sometimes feel. I’m not ready to give up hope though.

As a young girl, I would love it when my mother or grandmother would read to me. I always did adore a good story, and perhaps that is why I decided to major in literature. It was the fairy tales that I loved the most, though. I loved the stories of how good would always overcome evil. Even today, I thrive on the idea that a beautiful heart has the power to manifest little miracles. In my fairy tale, I’d be a princess queen, but dressed in rags. People would look through me like I was invisible, and I would ache with loneliness. One day I’d cross paths with a king who would look into my eyes and recognize my soul. Some magic inside of me, the beauty in my heart, would call to him so powerfully that he would give up his kingdom to have me by his side. It would be a great and passionate love affair, of course LOL. Stuff that you couldn’t read to little ears ;), but it would encompass the true love that tiny girls dream of.

So today’s post is dedicated to Cinderella and girls of all ages who believe in fairy tales. Hope you enjoy these Cinderella inspired goodies I found on Pinterest.

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Prince Charming is stupid
I had to include this one, too funny!

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Oh and in proper Cinderella fashion, I also ended up with a lovely dress yesterday. It was a bit over my price point, but it was such a lovely Marc Jacobs dress. It was kind of demure and sweet, and even though it was pricey, I got it at almost 70% off. How is that for magic my lovelies?!  Just because the prince isn’t around, is not an excuse to stop treating yourself like a princess. Consider that some good advice from your fairy godmother.

aad93773d1a2bd0fecd85f36b9fd6827On December 20, 2013 I started keeping a journal. Why? Because I wanted to have something to look back on and say, “yes, I’ve come a long way since then.” Since I started it, my life has become unrecognizable from the one I lived back then.  I am living in another country, I have started my first job in twelve years, I am divorced, I am learning put myself out there in a way I wasn’t able to do before… but I couldn’t say I am happier. I do know that I am moving in the right direction though.  I am on my way to rebuilding myself. It is a hard and lonely process which has left me quite heart broken. But okay, I can’t keep looking back. Someone I don’t like too much, but really admire, gave me some excellent advice “winners don’t live in the past.”  I refuse to remain a looser. I owe it to myself to achieve my vision of success. For me, in order to feel successful, I need to feel loved.  So on Valentine’s Day I vowed to myself that I make a dedicated effort to find somebody worthy of me, somebody who is smart, kind, and emotionally available. Don’t get me wrong, being alone is absolutely fabulous—if that is how you choose to live, but the thing is, it’s not my choice. I am not content. I need to start taking more responsibility for my happiness. I won’t wait for a miracle anymore. I am going to create one of my own.

So, what did I actually do on Valentine’s Day?

Let’s start with Friday, the prequel to all the Valentine’s Day festivities. It was a day which saw me crying in a grungy bathroom cubicle. The girl who sits near me at work got a bouquet of roses. She looked so happy. She is an absolutely lovely girl. I should have been happy for her. All I could think of was how alone I felt. I felt very sorry for myself, truth be told. The self pity had well and truly set in. It got better though.

That evening a friend and I went to see 50 Shades of Grey. I read the book, and unlike most girls, I didn’t love it. I have to say though, it was *cough*…. quite entertaining LOL. The best part was the audience. It was made up of 90% of women who were sniggering, cheering, and whooping in the same way that you would imagine men to do during the Super Bowl. You would never get an audience like that in the UK. For the first time since being here, I actually felt happy to be back in America. Strange huh? It was a late movie. By the time I got home, Valentine’s Day had started, but I was ready for bed.

Valentine’s Day itself passed like any other day. In my heart of hearts, I was praying for something which I’m a little too embarrassed to put into words here, but for better or for worse, it did not come to pass. I guess that’s to be expected when you give one particular day too much power and/ or expectations.

In real life, there was no handsome prince on a white horse. There was me, my mother who had fallen asleep on the couch where she snored like a chainsaw, and lots of junk food that I ate till my stomach hurt. Thank God this holiday only rolls around once a year. Next year, however, I intend that my life will be equally unrecognizable from the one I live today, and I mean that in the best possible way.

Well daaaahlings, it’s that time of year again… goodie time! Yeah I know, it’s supposed to be all about love and family and all that good stuff, but come on, show me someone who doesn’t like a nice present once in a while. Wether you celebrate any of the season’s holidays or not, we all deserve to treat ourselves well. Nobody should ever have to justify buying themselves or a loved one something special, even if it’s a little over the top. Life is too short. If something can make you happy, and you can afford it, what are you waiting for? I mean, it’s not like we take our money into the grave with us, right?

So, obviously you are just dying to know what is on my list. I thought I’d make it easy for you. Here is my holiday wish list for 2014.

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1. The thing I want most in the world is something that can’t be bought (if only it were that easy). I want a man who is worthy of me. I want him to love me without measure. I want him to be educated, intelligent, generous and kind. I sometimes wonder if he is out there. My heart tells me that God didn’t bring me this far only to leave me without the thing I want the most. Despite what I’ve been through, I still hold myself in high regard, I know my worth, and I’m not going to run after the first man who crosses my path. I know what I want, and I won’t settle for anything less, not ever.

Go big or go home, I need the 15 inches. I'm tired of little weenies (aka Dr ManWhore).
Go big or go home, I need the 15 inches. I don’t like  little weenies (Dr ManWhore’s penis was proof of that).

2. …but if I can’t have a man, I’d like an Apple MacBook Pro LOL. I miss my lovely iMac. I left it behind when I left England. Normally I love a nice big desk top computer, but my life is transient at the moment. I may end up moving around a bit until I can get settled, so I think a laptop would better suit my lifestyle right now. I want the 15 inch one. When it comes to screen size, size definitely matters.

Mmmm... I just want to lick it!
Mmmm… I just want to lick it!

3. Let’s also throw in something that has been on my gift list for several years now: a Parentesi cocktail ring with green quartz and pavé diamonds by Bvlgari. According to D.H. Lawrence, “A woman unsatisfied must have luxuries, but a woman who loves a man would sleep on a board.” From this quote, you may be able to infer why I feel like I need a big F’ing gobstopper like this one. Vulgar? Perhaps. Fabulous? Abso-freaking-lutely.

As you can see, I don’t ask for much ;). You have seven shopping days to make my wishes come true. I hope you signed up for overtime!

So, what is on your list this year? Whatever it is, I wish you all the joys in the world. Holiday kisses to all of you!