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Fin DAC & Kevin Ledo collaboration in Wynwood, Miami

Hello my lovelies, I’ve not written in a while. Kind of been laying low. How was the start to your New Year? It’s not a favorite holiday of mine (because I always wish I had someone special to celebrate it with), but it was okay actually. I rang it in with one of my favorite treats: a Godiva chocolate covered macaroon. So yeah, not earth shatteringly awesome, but not bad. The good news is, I didn’t spend it feeling sorry for myself. That’s progress.

Since I last wrote, my friend T lost her battle with cancer. That was pretty major. But the thing is, it was inevitable. I knew it was going to happen. I just didn’t know when, and I was dreading finding out. When it did happen, I was deeply sad, but not surprised. She practically lived in the hospital. Always in and out, always breaking bones, and she had constant trouble with her breathing. At the end of her life, she was carrying an oxygen tank with her wherever she went. T was definitely a fighter though, and always hopeful.  Always making plans, assuming that there would be a tomorrow. I feel so blessed that my life path ran parallel to such an amazing and loving human being. She was my sister, just not by blood, and I will always love her dearly.

I’ve gone on a few dates, though nobody is worth actual mention. I continue to put myself out there believing that one day, it’s going to happen for me. It’s encouraging that at my age I still get attention from very eligible and attractive men. Last week a rather handsome guy took me to Wynwood to check out some street art and chow down on the uber fabulous fried chicken at KYU. I honestly can’t remember having better (this was my second time going). That sauce it comes with … well, that must be what people mean when they say “awesome sauce.” Chicken was followed by some deliciously sweet and fluffy coconut cake. I’m not sure what it says about me that I talk about the food with so much more excitement than the man. He was nice … meh … nice. I’m not looking for NICE, I want to FEEL something… you know? Like with the fried chicken LOL. Passion. I seem to be no closer to finding love since I last wrote, but I keep trudging on.

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As for work, its been crazy as usual, but I actually had a very good month. I must have been a very good little show pony, as I was recognized as the best on my team for December. Plus, two of my customers left me great feedback on good service I provided. I must admit, it felt great to be recognized. I really did work hard. I hoping 2019 might have a promotion in store.

And that, my dears, is really it. What’s been going on with you? I wish you everything good and sweet in 2019 and always.

Tons of love,

Caroline

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Lavender lattes: it’s a full blown obsession now. I have to figure out how to make them.

Sorry I haven’t written much lately. Sometimes life just isn’t all that exciting and so there is no point boring anyone with the minutiae. All is well. Next month I should have a fabulous post to write. I am super looking forward to seeing Crazy Kat in Portland (I’ve never been that far west before), and hopefully there will be  a little excursion into Seattle as well. I adore CK, and I always have the best time in her company. If you read my blog regularly, you know how much I love to travel. I try to see a new place every year, it’s one of my goals. Food, art, and travel; these are my passions in life. When I travel, I usually get to satisfy all three, so there is really nothing I anticipate more than a holiday away from my little cubicle at work. And anticipation? In my book, that’s half the fun.

Things are going well at work. I have a new boss. She started several weeks ago, and so far she seems absolutely lovely.  It’s a pleasure working with her. My new team that I got moved to is awesome too. It’s all good in the hood. I actually just celebrated my two year anniversary with the company. That’s a record for me since being back in Florida. Truth be told, however, I’m feeling kind of burnt out. Work has been trying, and a break is long overdue.

So what else? Well I went on a few dates. Nobody worth pursuing romantically, but I did meet a guy who I developed a friendship with. He is very sweet, I just didn’t feel any sparks. I want sparks.  I’m not going to settle. I’d rather be alone than with the wrong man, and being alone is no longer feeling as burdensome as it used to. So this guy, I’m not terribly attracted to him, and his life situation is not conducive to a relationship, but he makes for an awesome friend. We text often and go out to eat every once in a while. It’s nice to having company and to  have someone I can be a bit silly with, but that’s all it is. We don’t do anything more than hug. This time around I’m a lot more selective. Do you know what else? These days I just tell a guy if I’m not feeling anything. Before I used to be so afraid of not hurting anyone’s feelings. Now I just tell them in the kindest way I know how, that I don’t want to pursue anything. And do you know what? I learned that most men appreciate this. Honesty really is the best way to go. From personal experience, I learned that there are few things worse than having your emotions toyed with, so this is why I force myself to be direct. Life is too short to do otherwise. I guess this means I’m learning to value myself better.

I guess you can say that these days I’m dating myself. I try to follow what makes ME happy, and frankly, I’m pretty freaking good at it. I might just be my best boyfriend evvvvvaaaaa. In fact, just yesterday I took myself out for the most delicious lavender latte at a charming little local tea shop called The Modern Rose. And today we (and I use the word “we” in the sense of the royal we) are going to the movies. I am going to watch Crazy Rich Asians – as we are in the mood for something silly and light hearted. There might be some chocolate covered Godiva macaroons involved (my favorite Scooby snack). Hey … come on… might???? You know they totally are involved LOL.

So anyway, just saying hi. Haven’t forgotten you. Didn’t slip into a black hole in the blogosphere… just laying low a bit. What have you been up to?

Tons of love,

Caroline

Yes it’s been a long time since I wrote, sometimes I’m too busy living life to write about it (sometimes). For the most part life has been pretty good. Here are some of the things that have put a smile on my face since my last post:

My visit with Crazy Kat. About a month ago the lovely CK came to visit me from Portland. I had the best time. Sometimes you don’t realize how much you miss a person until they are around. CK is the best! She is one of my life’s greatest blessings, and a true friend. She is nothing short of a sister to me. I had the most wonderful time with her, chatting, going for walks around Miami, eating good food, and dipping our feet at the pool at the beautiful Biltmore Hotel. I also finally got to meet Blue Eyes. They guy is absolutely lovely.  I love seeing those two together. Despite their trials, the love they have between them is so obvious — it makes me feel inspired. Anyways, it was a wonderful few days. I hope I can convince them both to come visit more often, and I definitely need to get my fat ass over to Oregon.

Below are a few snaps from our time together:

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Crazy Kat and I spent hours, dipping out feet in this glorious pool. We chatted about everything and nothing.
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Where Vizcaya overlooks Biscayne Bay.
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My first afternoon tea since leaving the UK, inside the beautiful lobby of the Biltmore Hotel in Coral Gables.
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The world’s most incredible key lime pie at The Dutch, inside the W Hotel in South Beach, Miami.

Lobstah sushi: Okay,  so I never thought I’d ever like sushi. I never hated it, but I just could never get into it, and then Tito introduced me to the deliciousness known as lobster sushi. Now the stuff haunts my foodie fantasies. The one he got me was topped with spicy mayonnaise. Mmmm… spicy mayo. Someone at Chanel needs to invent Spicy Mayo No 5 so I can douse it all over me and attract me a man. Who, I ask, would be able to resist me then? I would be freaking unstoppable. They would be stopping on their tracks like a deer in headlights, confounded by my mysterious allure.

My ex. So I am no longer going to refer to my ex as Dr ManWhore anymore, because I don’t see him in that light these days. All is forgiven. Truly. Yeah he did some really bad stuff, but I’m so over it. I think I’m just going to call him Doctor P from this point forward. Recently I got upset over something, and the way that Doctor P patiently listened to me and gave me kind advice meant the world to me. I know he has my back, and genuinely wants my happiness. Who would have guessed that someone who hurt me so badly could be so dramatically redeemed? I love our friendship. I think we are so much better friends than we were husband and wife. Divorce has no winners, but in some strange sort of way I do feel like I won, because I got to keep what meant the most to me from our 18 year romance: a true friend.

Scarface: My favorite TV series ever was The Sopranos. So how I never saw Scarface is a bit of a mystery. I saw it yesterday for the first time. Freaking epic. That is going to go in my top 3 for best movies of all time. It makes me want to be all gangsta and shit. That Tony Montana was a badass mutha fuka. If he was alive I think I’d invite him to afternoon tea. We would drink lapsang souchong from bone china served with delicate cookies powdered in sugar and crack. At that point I  seduce him in a most unladylike fashion, him AND his super hot friend Manny. Manny was some absolutely smokin’ piece of man candy. Caroline gots the hunger for Cuban sandwich right about now *licks lips.* Oh dear, was that vulgar?

This is going to be my theme song for the next few weeks.

Tito. So who is this Tito guy I mentioned? He may not be Tony Montana, but Tito is kinda a badass mutha fuka too.  I don’t have secrets from you guys, but all will be revealed in time. I met him on Match. This thing started off slow, erupted into a bit of a bonfire, and then experienced quite a hiccup which made me feel somewhat unsettled, so I don’t want to say too much just yet. Maybe we will just end up being friends, but lawd, I am greedy. I want more. What I will reveal at the moment is that Tito is completely lovely. He is smart, kind, and I am attracted to him. We spend hours a day texting and talking. I adore his company. We share secrets and common interests (though our personalities are very different), and we have had a couple fun little adventures thus far. I definitely have feelings for him. Definitely. I think it’s mutual (most of the time), but that hiccup left me with some doubts. Well, one thing I do know is that the Universe has my back, so no matter what happens, I need to trust that life is unfolding in a way which will allow my greatest good. I need to be patient, to be still, to trust… and douse myself liberally in spicy mayo so that Tito is helpless to my charms.

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Sometimes a woman needs to date herself. This was the case even when I was married. I lived a very solitary life as a housewife. My ex was often busy, and was not around much (I wonder why…). I learned that if I wanted to do something I had a choice: I could go alone or not go at all. It wasn’t a hard decision for me. My sister in law would tell me that it was “sad” that I’d do all these things by myself. I would always reply, “What’s sadder, me going alone, or you staying home?” I would go to nice restaurants on my own, shopping, see shows, and even spend a few days in Paris all by myself. It was surprisingly empowering. Believe it or not I have grown to love my little solo adventures. Sure, doing what you love with someone you love is the best, but doing what you love on your own really isn’t that bad… actually it’s kind of awesome. There is something very self indulgent about it. I can do exactly what I want without having to worry about what someone else thinks. I don’t need to care if someone is having a good time. I don’t need to worry about what restaurant someone else wants to eat at, or what kind of schedule they are on. I can spend all my time looking at ballgowns and fantasizing if that’s what I choose. It’s all about me. I have to say, I’m totally ok with that. It’s come to a point that I’m so used to having my solo adventures, that these days, doing things with someone else sometimes feels outside of my comfort zone. I’m not a loner by any means, but my alone time is special to me. I treasure it.

Friday I took the day off from work and got to fulfill a wish of mine: seeing Dita Von Teese perform in one is her burlesque show, The Art of the Teese. I am such a big fan. I love her for her grace, style, talent, her cheeky elegance, not to mention her exceptional beauty. When I found out she was going to be in Miami at The Fillmore, there was nothing that could keep me away. I desperately wanted to go with Birdy, but that didn’t work out. Still, I was going. No man is going to suck the joy out of my life. Yeah, I get hurt and upset (and the truth is I miss him terribly), but ultimately I realize that I do have a say in how happy I get to be. Despite some bad days, I will always choose happiness. ALWAYS.

It’s no secret that I like to treat myself well when I can, so that’s exactly what I did. First stop was a late lunch at The Dutch in the W Hotel in South Beach. I had a yummy spicy  Korean fried chicken sandwich with fries, followed by what I’m guessing is the world’s best key lime pie. It is godly my dears. The holy grail of key lime pie, and believe me, I’ve had a few.  These thighs don’t lie.

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I walked along Lincoln Road Mall, but in all honesty that wasn’t doing it for me. It was 96 degrees out, and I was melting. I persevered. I was going to see Dita.

Just waiting on line at The Filmore was an experience. Some people were dressed to the nines, a la Dita. How I wish I knew how to do my hair Dita style. Note to self: must watch hair tutorials on YouTube. Just people watching was entertaining. But the show itself? It was everything. Dita was glorious!!! Wonderful costumes, dancing, humor… and get this, there was even a real live marriage proposal on stage. My favorite act was the opener where Dita does her famous champagne glass routine. There were also some other awesome burlesque dancers (which I guess gave Dita the chance to rest between sets), and there was a super funny and fabulous master of ceremonies who kept us laughing the whole time. Dita certainly had an awesome “Vontorage.” It was an evening of rhinestones, glamour, and fun. It was something I will never forget, and I’m so glad I went. If you have the opportunity to go, GO! That’s all I can say.

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The moral of this post: don’t be afraid or intimidated from doing things alone. It’s better than doing nothing at all. In fact, you may find yourself in a storm of Swarovski and Louboutins with a supremely delicious key lime pie in your belly. I think we can all agree, there ain’t nothing wrong with that.

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I needed a welcome distraction, something fun and frivolous. I decided that this was the perfect opportunity to finally see an exhibit I’ve been wanting to see at NSU: Bellissima: Italy and High Fashion 1945-1968. There wasn’t loads of stuff there, but I just need a change of scenery, the chance to look at something  beautiful, and a reminder that I am  more than my problems. There is something to be said by surrounding yourself in beauty. I adore any chance to overwhelm my senses with loveliness. It can be so uplifting for me. In this case, it was fashion. There were some lovely pieces on show, but what really surprised me, was that even though nothing was short of 45 years old, pretty much everything on display would be totally wearable today. In fact, in my head, I even chose a few choice garments for Moi-self. Do you need a little escapism too? Focus on some of your very favorite outfits, and imagine yourself in your mind’s eye wearing them. Imagine where you would be, who (if anyone) you would be with, and what you would be doing. It’s kind of a little game I like to play. Like Barbie for grown women LOL.

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I’d like to imagine myself into that V-neck black dress in the back. You can’t really see how awesome it is in that tiny picture, but it is fab! It looks like something straight from Carrie’s closet in Sex in the City. At one point she was wearing a lot of dresses that had that sort of silhouette.  In my head, I shall imagine that I am in Paris. I am eating in an uber glam restaurant with a handsome gentleman (that I secretly am in love with, but I keep him guessing)  who can’t take his eyes off me *le sigh*. You see how this game works? You try it. Here are some more pictures…

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Aside from the actual garments, there was also some gorgeous vintage handbags, and the walls were lined with lots of Italian fashion photography. But my favorite part? I’d have to say it was the cases of heritage Bvlgari pieces. I do own a simple Bvulgari band which I have held on to back from my housewife days, but I am still lusting after a particular gobstopper

For now though, I will need to stuff my gob with other less expensive stuff. Maybe some fancy grilled cheese? Oh, I know that sounds a bit anti-climactic, but I assure you, I would not kick this guy out of bed LOL. Thrilllist actually calls it one of the best sandwiches in Miami (there is more than one Rok Brgr in Florida). True, no self respecting Italian fashionista is going to be scarfing one of these down, but I am not Italian; nor do I have much of an excuse to be a fashionista at this point in my life.  Believe it or not, nobody asked me on a fancy Parisian adventure in recent history. Crazy, right?! So if my ass is looking a little dimpled from enjoying a few fatty treats, I doubt anyone is going to be the wiser. I don’t know about you, but in my opinion, this is pretty museum worthy…

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Short rib grilled cheese with fontina and caramelized onions, with a side of rings (not Bvlgari, but it will have to do).

How do you like to escape when you are feeling a little low?

 

Last weekend I braved the bus to the Ft Lauderdale NSU Museum of Art again. Taking the bus is no fun, but as I still don’t have a car, sometimes it is my only choice. Living in England I had access to wonderful museums and cultural events. I hate to say it, but South Florida is kind of a cultural wasteland. So when there is something to see, I will go out of my way to see it. So yes, back to Ft Lauderdale I went, where the smell of pee and homelessness seems to pervade the air. I went to see an exhibit called The Indestructible Lee Miller. Should you like to see it, it will be running until February 14, 2016.

So who is Lee Miller? She is best known for being the muse, student, and lover of the famous photographer Man Ray. She was what you’d call a “Hitchcock blonde,” what with her icy cool beauty. Her dad used to photograph her when she was a little girl, later she was a model for Vogue magazine, and after that, she was the subject of one of the famous photographers of all time… but actually, Lee Miller was more than just pretty face. She was an artist in her own right, and something of a feminist icon.  As a photographer, her travels lead her from fashionable Paris to war-torn Germany where she photographed the atrocities of the concentration camps and the suicides of German officials… there were some gruesome photographs in that exhibit, some that I really found hard to look at. It was much worse for her though. Miler’s time in Germany left her understandably troubled. So much so, that after the war, she locked many of her photos in an attic and tried to forget them.

No, Lee Miller, was certainly not a dumb blonde. She was a courageous artist with a deeply rich life. Below are a selection of my favorite photos from the exhibit.

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Lee Miller, 1930 Man Ray, Solarized Portrait
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Lee Miller’s very famous but somewhat blurry neck, photographed by Man Ray

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In Hitler's bathtub shortly after his death, washing away the
In Hitler’s Munich bathtub shortly after his death, washing away the “grime.”
An editorial fashion photo of models wearing fire masks in London.
An editorial fashion photo of models wearing fire masks in London, 1941.
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Opera singer singing a song from “Madame Butterfly” amidst the ruins, 1945.

In all honesty, I was not unhappy to leave the museum that day. Some of the photos left me unsettled. They are photos I choose not to post, because although they are very real, they disturb me, and I don’t want to put that kind of thing on my blog. Let me just say, that I will take the smelly homeless of Ft Lauderdale over pictures of emaciated and dead prisoners of war any day. It was almost a relief to walk out of there and feel the sun on my face, and the beautiful rainbow graffiti art that drapes over the walls of the museum.

I love this cheerful piece outside of the museum. It is by an artist called Jen Stark, entitled Acid Free.
I love this cheerful piece outside of the museum. It is by an artist called Jen Stark, entitled Acid Free.

I needed a burger.

Last time I went to Rok Brgr, a few steps away from the museum, I thought my Sweet Caroline burger was delicious indeed. The fries? Not so much. Channeling the adventurous spirit of Lee Miller (yeah, all of the sudden I’m a daredevil adventurer, huh? You see how I did that?), I decided to try the truffle burger with tater tots. As you can see, I like to live on the edge. Well, as you are on the edge of your seat with wonder, I shall tell you: the tater tots were definitely better than the fries (nice and crispy, though they could be a bit more fluffy in the middle). But the burger? Juicy deliciousness. There were some excellent flavors going on: it had the beefy goodness factor, the contrast of sweet caramelized onions, and garlicky aioli… and it was drippy and messy, just like the best burgers are. Pure satisfaction. Really I don’t miss sex all that much LOL! Burgers have an edge over men, you never have to wonder why they didn’t text you back. OMG, I am so shallow, I kill me.

I think this could be hanging in a museum too.
I think this could be hanging in a museum too.

I kind of doubt that Lee Miller liked to indulge in fat ass burgers like I do. Perhaps she would disdainfully look away as my thighs slowly enlarge. What do you think? What can I say, I like my art with burgers on the side.

Don't hate me because I'm beautiful!
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful!

Let me start by saying that I don’t care what anybody says about Botox. It’s awesome. I’ve had people tell me, I don’t need it because I’m already pretty and it will make me look unnatural. Little do they know that I’ve already got it in my system LOL. It doesn’t change the way you look at all, it just softens certain expressions and makes you looked more happy and relaxed. It also prevents wrinkles, because if you are not making that nasty frown that causes those “number 11” lines  between your eyebrows, those wrinkles are not going to form.  Oh, and it doesn’t hurt either. It’s just a teeny little pinch when the needle goes in. Thanks to Groupon I get mine done really cheap. The last time I went I got a $250 treatment for $80 because I waited for a 20% off promotion.  Personally, I feel there is no point wasting tons of money to have a counter full of makeup. Why cover up something with cosmetics when you can get rid of it? And really, no makeup covers up wrinkles… not that I have any ;).

Botox and good skin care (link) is the way to go. Don’t listen to the haters. You will not look any different, except that fine expression lines will either disappear or diminish, and you will not be able to make as many ugly faces.  If you have deep wrinkles, it isn’t really going to do much for you except prevent them from becoming worse. For fine lines though, it’s great. I don’t know why so many people are so against it. We live in a culture where women are not considered valuable and lovable when they get older, then we penalize and back bite them when they attempt to look youthful. It is cruel. I get Botox because I like what it does for me. I make no apologies. The best beauty secret of all, my lovelies, is happiness. If you read me regularly, however, you know my divorce, my breakup with Napoleon, and my move to the US have affected me deeply. I am trying to relearn how to be happy. Often though, I feel lonely and scared, and if a little Botox helps me look and feel a little more confident. I think it’s totally worth it. I need to do what I have to do to get my sparkle back.

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You know what else helps me sparkle? What gives me the glow that supermodels long for? Burgers LOL. Is it the happiness that a good burger brings me, or is it just too much grease and oil in my system? I don’t know, but I freaking love it. A good burger can make you forget why you ever wanted a man in the first place. I have been wanting to go to Charm City Burger Company in Deerfield Beach ever since I read about it. I went there knowing exactly what I wanted: The Emperor. It’s a patty melt on brioche made with American Kobe beef, sautéed mushrooms, cave aged gruyere, and truffle aioli… and hot damn it was good! Freaking juicy! I have rarely had a man please me the way that burger did. This is my first 10/10 burger in the US. This decadent patty melt had this amazing savory umami thing going on with a bit of sweet from the buttered brioche. Ooooh, I think I may swoon. I also had the sweet potato fries which were kind of meh (next time I’ll try the tater tots), and my dining companion had the special burger of the day, the Hawaii 5-0 which was good but not nearly as good as mine. Too bad, so sad, I wasn’t about to trade!

So burgers and Botox… it’s fair to say that except from some somewhat terrifying emails from my lawyer, I had a decent week. In addition, I’m just about to embark on a nice long Memorial Day weekend. I have some very interesting plans too ;), but I’ll save that for another post.

Have a great weekend dollies.

p.s. I just started up an Instagram account. I don’t really have any followers or interesting posts just yet, but hopefully that will change soon. If you are on, I hope you will follow me and we can catch up on each other’s adventures!

Frida, my hero and my fearless friend. I love her.
Frida, my hero and my fearless friend. I love her.

So today let me tell you about one of my favorite people who ever lived: Frida Kahlo. I’ve talked about her on my old blog. There is not  one woman in history that I feel a greater connection with than her. She is my favorite artist of all time. Why? Well, here’s the thing: her art isn’t particularly beautiful, in fact, sometimes It can be downright hideous, BUT, more than any artist to come before or after, I have never witnessed a person who was able to paint with their soul as she did. In her work, I see her pain, her sadness, her love, her happiness…. I can see it all. Her willingness to share her life so beautifully through her art, makes her very special. So I think she is the most amazing artist who ever lived, but more than that, to me, she is almost like the sister I never met.

Let’s start with the obvious: the unfortunate unibrow. Yep, I’ve got that. I tweeze mine to an inch of its life, but I can not deny that I have one.  I can thank my dear old daddy for that one. It’s the Mediterranean blood.  It makes a girl furry LOL. Thanks daddy! I love how Frida is not shy about painting that in, or her faint beginnings of her mustache. She wears them like a badge of honor, and though I can’t put my finger on why, it makes me proud. I just adore unapologetic women. I love women who are not afraid to say, “this is me, take me as I am.”

I couldn't have said it better daaaahling, this could be me talking to Dr ManWhore.
I couldn’t have said it better daaaahling, this could be me talking to Dr ManWhore.

Mostly, I identify with Frida because of her relationship with her husband, artist Diego Rivera. Like my husband, Diego was a fat ugly bastard, but he had talent, charisma, and the ladies loved him. Diego, like Dr ManWhore, was a vile philanderer.  He didn’t understand how blessed he was to have the love of such a unique woman until it was too late. Is it the nature of men to chase glitter when they have a diamond?

Yeah, I love a woman who calls em like it is!
Yeah, I love a woman who calls em like it is!

It is both a pain and a pleasure to be able to love so much and so deeply. But I kind of imagine, that like me, Frida wouldn’t have been able to live any other way. This is the way it is when you live with passion, and this is what makes us what we are. Perhaps we are not everyone’s cup of tea, but not every A-hole knows how to appreciate a fine vintage.

Frida was Madonna before the 80s ever happened. She was fierce, unapologetic, a feminist, political, and sexually liberated. She was leaps and bounds ahead of her time. I have a major girl crush on her! When I lived in London, I went to see her exhibit in Paris. And now, while living in south Florida, there was no doubt I would revisit my favorite lady of all time.

Eeww, let me start by saying that taking the bus to Ft Lauderdale is highly unpleasant. I have got to get a car asap! The people who ride the bus in Broward County… I’m not sure how to put it kindly… let me just say that they are not a classy bunch. Geez, I’ve come a long way from being a doctor’s wife being driven around in a luxury Mercedes. It’s slightly disheartening to be honest. It was scorching hot, and it was more than an hour’s drive each way to the Frida Kahlo and Diego Rivera Exhibit at the NSU Art Museum. When the doors opened for me to get off the bus, I was assaulted by the scents of homelessness and pee. Yeah, I really love Frida. I wouldn’t do this for just anyone.

The exhibit was comprised of works by Frida, Diego, and some of their Mexican contemporaries. I have selected some of my favorites to share with you today.

Self portrait with monkeys: I love these colorful whimsical paintings, they have such charm to them.
Self portrait with monkeys: I love this colorful whimsical painting. It has such charm to it.
A very glamorous portrait of Natasha Gelman with calla lilies painted by Diego
A very glamorous portrait of Natasha Gelman with calla lilies painted by Diego. I think the guy was a bastard, but I can not deny his talent. Yes, this is fatty loved the female form. It is obvious.
Diego's portrait of Frida's sister Cristina--one of the many women he slept with. This one was a dagger in the heart for Frida. It was the one affair she couldn't turn a blind eye to.
Diego’s portrait of Frida’s sister Cristina–one of the many women he slept with. Though she got used to his cheating ways, this one relationship was a dagger in the heart for her. It was the one affair she couldn’t turn a blind eye to.
The Bride Frightened at Seeing Life Opened, by Frida Kahlo The open fruit are supposed to have a sexual connotation.  Supposedly this is about a bride being nervous about loosing her virginity. Eat that watermelon LOL.
The Bride Frightened at Seeing Life Opened, by Frida Kahlo
The open fruit are supposed to have a sexual connotation. Supposedly this is about a bride being nervous about loosing her virginity. Eat that watermelon girl LOL.
Diego on My Mind, by Frida Kahlo No matter how much pain she caused her, she was never able to escape her love for Diego.
Diego on My Mind, by Frida Kahlo
No matter how much pain he caused her, she was never able to escape her love for Diego. This was my favorite painting at the exhibit. It is a very raw and private account of love. You can feel the longing in her expression. Ironically, she is wearing a traditional Mexican wedding veil.

My favorite part of the exhibit was a documentary they were showing in one of the exhibition rooms on the life of Frida Kahlo. It left me very touched. It left me thinking of my Napoleon actually. While there is no love left in my heart for my ex husband, the truth is that there is not a day that goes by when I don’t think of Napoleon. He is the first thing I think of when I wake up in the morning, and the last person I think of at night. I try so hard to be strong, to convince myself that I don’t need him– I don’t NEED him, but oh how I want him. Watching that documentary, that dull ache in my heart started to burn. When I got home, I did something that maybe I shouldn’t have done. I wrote to Napoleon and told him how much I loved him and missed him. He has not replied. Perhaps it is the destiny of women who love so much and so deeply. I don’t know. It hurts. You know, I know that writing to him was probably not a wise decision for someone who is trying so hard to rediscover her independence. Strangely I don’t regret it. I love him. I tried. It probably wont be the last time.

If I have to experience this sadness, I couldn’t be in better company than with my dear Frida. I don’t want to live a life without passion. And Frida? That woman knew passion. The pains and the trials of her life, which were supposed to be private, she painted them in full color. It was scandalous to be sure, but it was a life lived with honesty. That is something I really respect. As Frida wrote on her very last piece of art “viva la vida.” I concur whole heartedly.

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So, this morning I was reading a post on a blog that I like to read, and it said that when things aren’t great, don’t be afraid to dream. The thing is, I think I’ve lost my ability to do that. Let me put it this way… if I was writing the story of my life, and I wanted to write in a happy ending, I have no idea how I would want it to go. When I ask God for help, I don’t even know what to ask for. I find myself on my knees, mute, my eyes full of tears, silently begging for an ending that I can’t even find the words to articulate. My mind is not capable of envisioning it. Obviously I want to be happy, but what happiness looks like, I can no longer imagine. This was how I felt when I left my home over a year ago, and this is also how I feel now.

When is the Happiness Fairy going to wave it’s magic wand in my direction? I know part of the way to entice her into my vicinity is to be grateful for the things I do have. Some good things did happen this week, so let me list them:

1) I got my driver’s licence. That was kind of a big deal for me. Okay, there’s no car, but it’s still pretty awesome!

2) After four job interviews, I finally went on one that I actually found decent AND it really went well. The interviewer and I seemed to have connected on both a personal and professional level. I really hope I get it!

3) I went to the eye doctor to have some new glasses made up, and it turns out that my vision got better! That never happens!

4) On Thursday my mom and my sister and I had lunch at my favorite pizza place in the area, Scarfone’s. They do an eggplant pizza that is simply to die for. The eggplant pieces are sliced very thinly, coated in breadcrumbs, fried, and scattered along a gorgeous coal fired pie like (ugly but delicious) jewels. There’s the slightly sweet sauce, the creamy mozzarella and ricotta cheeses (*sigh* ricotta), fresh basil, savory crispy eggplant, and the perfectly charred crust. There is such a wonderful combination of flavor and texture that work together so perfectly without competing. If you are ever in the area, I urge you to try it!

Mmmm :)... are you feeling this or what?
I’m drooling at the memory of it’s deliciousness.

This was followed up by ice cream at Cold Stone Creamery. Yes, I am a piggy.

Hmmm... maybe I can be happy without a man (but I'd be diabetic LOL).
Hmmm… maybe I can be happy without a man (but I’d be diabetic LOL).

Gosh you know what? Just writing that stuff down actually made me feel a little better. Seriously!

I know the trick to this all is to leave it to God. I know things will happen in their own time, the way they are supposed to happen. It’s not really for me to second guess His plan. I have always believed that everything happens for a reason, and my belief has not changed. I know that the most beautiful things grow out of the ugliest of situations. Furthermore, it’s not like there aren’t people in worse off situations than me. It’s just that when you can no longer see the light at the end of the tunnel, it is normal to question wether or not it actually exists. You just have to trust that it is there. But I have some good news my friends: ice cream and pizza still tastes awesome in the dark!