1. My red Charlotte Olympia flip flops with the tiger on it.
  2. Big sunglasses
  3. When a man buys me flowers
  4. Allowing myself to enjoy great food. Sometimes, you just gotta say, “Fuck calories.” Life is meant to be lived!IMG_0676.jpg
  5. Nuetrogena’s cheap and cheerful Swiss Formula hand cream. I haven’t found a luxury brand that makes a better one.
  6. My privacy 
  7. Having proof of guys being assholes by documenting my conversation with a screenshot. 
  8. I love that being happy is free and accessible to everyone.
  9. Hash browns at McDonalds, a guilty but greasy delicious pleasure.
  10. Having an occasion to get dressed up for.
  11. When you stop trying to force connections that deep down you know will never work.
  12. Moon drop grapes.
  13. Ice cream sandwiches
  14. Naps in the sunlight
  15. Vintage and mismatched china for tea.
  16. Doing little treatments for myself: hair masks, doing my toe nails, fancy face creams. Sometimes I forget to do these things, and when I restart them, I realize how necessary they are.
  17. Mr Rogers, I truly think the man was an American hero.
  18. My MacbookPro
  19. Taking care of my spirit when it’s tired.
  20. The smell of night blooming jasmine.
  21. Yelp — not so much for the reviews, but I love being able to look at the pictures before I decide what to order.
  22. Realizing later on that I dodged a bullet after not getting something I desperately  wanted.
  23. Getting my period. I know this will seem odd to you, but I love getting my period. It lets me know I’m working the way I should be and I’m not pregnant. That’s important lol. 
  24. Deleting voice mails before I even listened to them — okay I probably shouldn’t admit that one, but whatever, it’s true.
  25. When you see a picture of a boyfriend’s ex and you accidentally spit on your iPhone out of sheer hilarity 
  26. Keeping my cool when I’m under pressure (like that ever happens).Image-1.png
  27. The Handmaid’s Tale, a great series on Hulu. This retelling is actually way better than the book, which I read in college.
  28. When Prince grills me chicken and we have dinner outside. There is something about those moments that make me feel very content and cared for.
  29. The way I feel after I do weights (not like I even remember the last time I did that).
  30. Getting indoors right before it starts to pour with rain.
  31. Chanel No. 5 – it’s a classic for a reason!
  32. Dancing in the bathroom
  33. Niel Patrick Harris 
  34. Consistency
  35. Seeing someone you love succeeding. Sometimes I think people forget that life is not a competition, there is room for everyone to win.
  36. New York
  37. When someone offers to make me tea
  38. Those rare people who stick around … even if you throw an epic hissy.
  39. The pancakes at Chez Ma Tante, worth a trip to Williamsburg. 
  40. Neck kisses, they give me goosebumps.
  41. Trusting in possibilities and not giving up.
  42. Coming across an amazing piece of street art by accident.IMG_0483.jpg
  43. Bergdorf Goodman’s flagship store in NYC — I cant afford to shop there, but whateva. To quote Ashley Longshore, “there’s no crying at Bergdorf’s.”
  44. Christian Louboutin’s Bianca platform shoes *le sigh* … if only…
  45. The smell, heat, texture, and taste of the freshly baked pitas my dad makes when they come straight from the oven.
  46. Taco Tuesday at Rubio’s … I love those fish tacos.
  47. When someone remembers something very minor and random I once said. It makes me feel like that a person cares enough to truly listen. There’s few things so satisfying as feeling heard.
  48. Times where I can snag enough seats on an airplane to stretch out and take a little nap in the sky.
  49. Marvis toothpaste
  50. Crumpets (I buy them at Trader Joe’s) with butter and honey. Scrummylicious!
  51. Discovering luxurious new beauty products. Right now I have my beady little eyes on two colors of Gucci lip glosses. Perhaps I’ll indulge myself in a little treat this weekend.
  52. When someone does the hard work for me — ah yes, the things I will do to avoid my responsibilities. Manipulation and bribery, it’s all good. IMG_0671.jpg
  53. Le Coucou in NYC, dreamy, delicious, and indulgent.
  54. Thunder and lightening 
  55. Ashley Longshore’s “You Dont Look Fat, You Look Crazy” — there are so many great lines in that book, but the one that moves me most is “fear is the catalyst for action.” Totally Ashley, you fucking nailed it.
  56. Talking’ the occasional shit about someone who pisses me off *shrugs shoulders*
  57. Brie de Meaux cheese. It boggles my mind why it is illegal in the US. I think it’s positively heavenly.
  58. Taking a break
  59. Free samples
  60. Long walks with my guy which end at a stop at a local Italian bakery for my favorite cheesecake ever. Prince never fails to ask me if I want cheesecake. The answer is always the same.o.jpg
  61. Days when you KNOW you look good.
  62. The smell of popcorn in at the movies
  63. Troll dolls, yes, really.
  64. Gummy vitamins, because they taste like candy but they are actually good for you.
  65. What it feels like to wake up and see someone you love right next to you. 
  66. Inside jokes 
  67. Taking a shower with the window open and being able to watch the rain outside.
  68. Knowing that despite all the hurt and horrible stuff out there, that there will always be kindness.
  69. When my stats for the month at work are on point
  70. Ridiculously large pieces of cake
  71. When someone has enough faith and trust in me to confide a secret
  72. Cute yoga clothes — not that I do yoga, but I certainly got my share of lovely overpriced gear.
  73. List writing… I don’t know, it’s just a thing for me. I like writing lists and I like crossing things out when I get them done.
  74. Sexy accents
  75. Swimming in a pool in my underwear 
  76. Lavender and Earl Grey (aka London Fog) and matcha lattes tea
  77. Checking out the new cookbook releases at the bookstore
  78. When Karma does the dirty work for me … so satisfying!
  79. Panatonne. I like it in it’s undressed form. I like it toasted with a bit of butter. I adore it as decadent French toast. Why isn’t it popular all year round? I should stockpile it.
  80. Big soft T-shirt’s that I can sleep in, the ones that have been washed many times and feel like buttah.
  81. Being made to feel included.
  82. Pet names / nicknames
  83. Credit card intro offers. I know I got over $1000 of free stuff this year without spending a penny of my own… you just got to know how to work the system.
  84. Having a full tank of gas
  85. Dulce de leche 
  86. Music that makes me feel sexy and powerful.
  87. When wishes come true in a way that is better than you could have imagined.Image-1.png
  88. Solo adventures, I love proving to myself time and time again that I can do things on my own.
  89. The feeling you get when you do something nice for someone and you can tell that they really appreciate it.
  90. Conversations so good that you are amazed when you look at the time and realize you have been chatting forever.
  91. The feeling I get at 4:59pm when I turn off the computer to go home after the end of a long work day. 
  92. The feeling I get at 5:02 when I’m in my car and I start the engine to go home  … yes, bliss. Image-1.png
  93. Genuine random compliments — giving and receiving them.
  94. When something lives up to the hype.
  95. Days where you wake up and realize you don’t have to go to work and the endless possibilities there are for fun.
  96. Being a woman
  97. My resilient heart
  98. New beginnings 
  99. True and deep friendships
  100. Commemorating milestones like birthdays and anniversaries: I love any opportunity for cake– just in case that isn’t abundantly clear. Oh, by the way, today IS my birthday, just so you know.

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Birthday kisses to you all. I love you guys.  Send gifts. I don’t mind if they are a little late. I’m cool like that.

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Lavender lattes: it’s a full blown obsession now. I have to figure out how to make them.

Sorry I haven’t written much lately. Sometimes life just isn’t all that exciting and so there is no point boring anyone with the minutiae. All is well. Next month I should have a fabulous post to write. I am super looking forward to seeing Crazy Kat in Portland (I’ve never been that far west before), and hopefully there will be  a little excursion into Seattle as well. I adore CK, and I always have the best time in her company. If you read my blog regularly, you know how much I love to travel. I try to see a new place every year, it’s one of my goals. Food, art, and travel; these are my passions in life. When I travel, I usually get to satisfy all three, so there is really nothing I anticipate more than a holiday away from my little cubicle at work. And anticipation? In my book, that’s half the fun.

Things are going well at work. I have a new boss. She started several weeks ago, and so far she seems absolutely lovely.  It’s a pleasure working with her. My new team that I got moved to is awesome too. It’s all good in the hood. I actually just celebrated my two year anniversary with the company. That’s a record for me since being back in Florida. Truth be told, however, I’m feeling kind of burnt out. Work has been trying, and a break is long overdue.

So what else? Well I went on a few dates. Nobody worth pursuing romantically, but I did meet a guy who I developed a friendship with. He is very sweet, I just didn’t feel any sparks. I want sparks.  I’m not going to settle. I’d rather be alone than with the wrong man, and being alone is no longer feeling as burdensome as it used to. So this guy, I’m not terribly attracted to him, and his life situation is not conducive to a relationship, but he makes for an awesome friend. We text often and go out to eat every once in a while. It’s nice to having company and to  have someone I can be a bit silly with, but that’s all it is. We don’t do anything more than hug. This time around I’m a lot more selective. Do you know what else? These days I just tell a guy if I’m not feeling anything. Before I used to be so afraid of not hurting anyone’s feelings. Now I just tell them in the kindest way I know how, that I don’t want to pursue anything. And do you know what? I learned that most men appreciate this. Honesty really is the best way to go. From personal experience, I learned that there are few things worse than having your emotions toyed with, so this is why I force myself to be direct. Life is too short to do otherwise. I guess this means I’m learning to value myself better.

I guess you can say that these days I’m dating myself. I try to follow what makes ME happy, and frankly, I’m pretty freaking good at it. I might just be my best boyfriend evvvvvaaaaa. In fact, just yesterday I took myself out for the most delicious lavender latte at a charming little local tea shop called The Modern Rose. And today we (and I use the word “we” in the sense of the royal we) are going to the movies. I am going to watch Crazy Rich Asians – as we are in the mood for something silly and light hearted. There might be some chocolate covered Godiva macaroons involved (my favorite Scooby snack). Hey … come on… might???? You know they totally are involved LOL.

So anyway, just saying hi. Haven’t forgotten you. Didn’t slip into a black hole in the blogosphere… just laying low a bit. What have you been up to?

Tons of love,

Caroline

So I have a confession to make. I slipped. After about 4 months of no contact with Birdy, I texted him. You guys know, despite the things I’ve written, that he will always have a place in my heart. Like it or not. It’s just fact. I don’t want to love him. Not after the way he has treated me (or more correctly, his lack of treatment altogether). But if you read my blog, you know that I do love him.  My heart and my brain argue constantly on this subject. I got a little triggered. It was that sappy 80’s music, but there I was in the mall, spending ungodly amounts of money on things I don’t need, when the emotions took hold. The Devil totally made me do it. Or Journey. Whatever. It totally lead me down the wrong path. Note to self on the 1980’s: bad hair, bad fashion choices, and bad for my decision making skills.

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If only I was that special kind of human that can dismiss someone without thought … no, that will never be me. God, please grant me that superpower in my next life.

Yeah, so I sent a text via WhatsApp. And I waited. Then I waited some more. Inside I could feel a sickening mix of hope and anxiety. And then, after 7 hours, the two blue ticks appeared, indicating that he read my message.

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And I waited. And I waited some more. And then some more… and then some more. And can you guess that happened? Ha, yes! So right dollies… nothing happened. There was no reply. And then from the hours of 11 to 2 I cried.

In those hours I heard from Mr. Big. Remember him? He gave me some good and constructive advice. The same advice that everyone else gives me, the advice that only an outsider who is not emotionally invested is able to give. It did help me to feel better, I must admit. But it didn’t erase the feelings of embarrassment and hurt that had embedded themselves within my heart. I know I kind of deserved it. It was so stupid of me. What did I expect?

I know Birdy’s decision not to reply to me is one which I need to respect and honor. I will not pursue it. Anyway it’s too hard. His rejection leaves me feeling completely stripped of dignity. It was always that way when it came to him. I now understand why. And perhaps it is a Pandora’s Box best left locked. But you know it fucking hurt, don’t you? Rejection always hurts, but when it’s from someone you love… it’s the bitterest, ugliest pill there is.

I know I have to take this rejection and transform it into something constructive. That’s the plan anyway. Watch this space. Next stop, NY.

It has been about two weeks into my Birthday Challenge. I haven’t logged into any dating websites. Tito is still around, but less so. Though he is still present as my friend, I can feel him backing off and not really wanting to see me as much as he used to. It’s okay. I place no blame on him for that, I guess it’s to be expected. He isn’t meant for me, and that is okay. Totally.  I still think he is a great guy. Just not my guy. When it’s right, I won’t have to convince someone to be with me, they will WANT to be there. Over the two weeks I’ve had a fews highs and lows. This time, there is no masking the lows with cute texts from a hot guy. I have to resort to other measures. One of my favourite ways to get happy has always been to count my blessings and remember the things I love. So I guess now is as good a time as any for my next 100 Things I Love post.

  1. Strangers who become friends
  2. Little Moir’s Food Shack in Jupiter, Florida.Screen Shot 2017-09-03 at 11.02.37 AM
  3. Getting to see Dita Von Teese’s Art of the Tease in Miami, that was a bucket list thing for me.
  4. The supply closet at work. I do like to help myself LOL.
  5. Making someone’s day a little better
  6. Birkenstocks: I know lots of people find them to be quite hideous (especially men), but I have to say that I completely adore mine.
  7. Sneaking out of work a few minutes early … sometimes more than a than a few
  8. Diet Coke. I kicked my nasty habit and now I’ve returned to it. *sigh*
  9. Hanging out with the girls
  10. Having the friendship I now have with my ex husband. It means so much to me, more than I’m really capable of expressing. It’s a balm to my soul.Screen Shot 2018-04-14 at 2.17.16 PM
  11. Original glazed Krispy Kreme donuts when they are fresh and still warm. It’s like eating a sugar cloud(s) of love! (Come on guys, you know I don’t stop at one LOL)
  12. Taking walks
  13. Nachos, fully loaded please. Lots of guacamole and sour cream!
  14. Dresses that make me feel pretty and look thin. I’m partial to maxi dresses that allow me to eat lots but still look good. It’s kind of like a fashionable moo moo. Well you know, what do you expect after a mountain of nachos?
  15. “Ah-ha” moments
  16. Scarface
  17. Feeling wantedff94fdba65d5cc1ec1fbda3972a7151f
  18. My femininity
  19. Fresh pineapple when it’s sweet and juicy. Which other fruit comes with it’s own crown?
  20. Being still. I don’t mean not moving, I mean not feeling the need to act or react. Instead, making the choice to just “be.” I am far from an expert at this, but it’s something I’m working on. This works so well for me when I’m successful at it.
  21. An open heart and an open mind. Such a beautiful combination.
  22. That I finally have a car
  23. When I earn a Fitbit badge
  24. Crispy fish fingers with tartar sauce and lemon
  25. Full, soft lips4748dc1ca0526371fe6a7b07a656c627
  26. When I guy I like tells me I’m beautiful
  27. Not having to shave my legs when I’m single (or anything else, for that matter)
  28. Discovering a cool new song on YouTube … the more obscure the artist, the happier it makes me.
  29. Groupon. So okay it twists my arm to spend more money than I should, but I do love an amazing bargain.toast
  30. R1 Coffee for the most delectable avocado toast.
  31. Books & Books in Coral Gables, probably Florida’s coolest bookstore.
  32. Patty Cake$ — a very cool movie that never made it into popularity, but surely deserved it.
  33. When I return stuff and I see the money going back onto my credit card. It’s ridiculously satisfying.
  34. Chocolate covered graham crackers
  35. When my eyebrows are perfectly groomed. I’m definitely an eyebrow person. I’m not into all the pencil work people do (it’s too fake for me), I just like a perfectly tweezed brow.
  36. Gwpaddict.com a very cool website that lets you know which skincare and makeup brands are giving away free goodies with purchase.
  37. Kerastase’s Oleo Relax … the best hair product for frizzy manes. It’s expensive, but it actually works. It also happens to have the most amazing scent.
  38. The smell of toasted raisin bread
  39. The times when I am able to handle my difficulties with grace.
  40. Men with muscular arms… so sexy. And if there also happen to be tattoos??? Well, I kinda die a little.
  41. Having my hair done at an upscale salon, and leaving feeling fancy AF.
  42. When someone lets me in front of them at the supermarket.
  43. My vulnerability. Even though it opens me up to hurt, it also leaves the door open to let the magic in.
  44. Feeling my own power. It doesn’t happen every day, but when I am able to tap into it, it’s positively exhilarating!Untitled copy
  45. Ashley Longshore, a New Orleans artist who makes me laugh out loud. I just adore her. Do follow her on Instagram.
  46. Le Tub in Hollywood, Florida. I love chilled the atmosphere, and the burger is freaking fine! It makes me feel like I’m on vacation.
  47. Going out of my comfort zone, it’s where the magic happens.
  48. Kissing
  49. The street art scene in Bushwick, Brooklyn. It was there that I discovered the most beautiful piece of street art I had ever come across.
  50. ABC Carpet and Home – expensive but filled with treasures. The place is positively dreamy. It’s like Anthropologie on steroids.
  51. Slumber parties
  52. Selfies that I actually look good in
  53. Stranger Things, a TV series I love on Netflix
  54. Being toasty warmdf82e3dec75b63c403e8891c325a2d47
  55. Pizza: a love triangle which I can totally get into.
  56. Raggedy Ann, I have loved her since I could remember.
  57. People who are honest and real.
  58. When someone buys me a food treat.
  59. Oysters … who would have guessed?
  60. Impromptu adventures
  61. Tying up loose ends
  62. Easy days at work
  63. Kind words
  64. Tatcha’s Koyoto red lipstick. I have been looking for my perfect red for the longest time. Apparently, this is a universal red that looks good on every woman.
  65. Knowing that I have everything I need and most of what I want.
  66. Reminders that someone you love, loves you too (I’m not just talking about romantic love).
  67. The Biltmore in Coral Gables. I felt blessed to be able to spend the night there when Krazy Cat came to visit me. AND I got to have afternoon tea.
  68. Romantic friendships and friendly romances. It’s something Gabrielle Bernstein discusses in her book, “Spirit Junkie.”
  69. Love bruises, I find them completely erotic. Is that odd?
  70. Going to the Standard Spa in Miami. Utter luxury. Awesome memories. A steam room and hamam that makes me feel like I’m in heaven.
  71. Generosity
  72. Dipping my feet in the water.
  73. Watching a great Bollywood epic
  74. Genuine smiles, the ones that start from the heart and make other people smile too.tracey-emin-be-brave-800x800
  75. Tracy Emin
  76. Living somewhere that doesn’t get winter.
  77. Feeling childish enough to be silly and let my inner dingbat roam free.
  78. Seeing the people I love laughing and smiling. It makes my heart feel light.
  79. Super shiny lip balm
  80. The family environment we have at work. It makes tough days a lot more manageable.240eb61701ee0c59d9e5a5bde8672653.jpg
  81. Romance
  82. Making my Fitbit goals for the day. These days it’s 20,000 steps.
  83. Stepping back. I am learning that not everything requires me to act or react. Sometimes the best thing to do is nothing. I’m slowly learning how to release control and allow the Universe to do her thing.
  84. Colored contact lenses, a fun but dramatic way to play with my looks.
  85. Hope4c62825d819c0dc36c468fa764aab7cb
  86. Jasmine tea
  87. Waking up like a tiger… “rawr”!!
  88. La Maison du Chocolate
  89. Keeiping a journal (aka recording the crazy)
  90. Bumble bees. They make honey, they fly, and they wear glamorous fur coats.
  91. Benetint by Benefit. I’ve been using this lip and cheek stain since it came out. It’s is completely weightless and looks so natural.
  92. When my BirchBox comes in the mail.
  93. Making amends, because life is way too short to hold grudges.
  94. Yayoi Kusama and her Infinity Mirrors
  95. The smugness I feel when my iPhone falls, and the screen shattered, but it’s only the glass screen protector. Caroline will not be thwarted.
  96. Lobster sushi from Sushi Yama
  97. Browsing through the books and magazines and Barnes & Noble in a comfy armchair (and their chocolate cupcakes slide into my belly quite nicely)
  98. New sneakers
  99. Seeing good things happen to people I love.
  100. That no matter how bad I sometimes feel, I have the courage to keep going. We are so much stronger than we ever give ourselves credit for.

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Valentine’s Day is about to rear its ugly face again. Please, pass me a Hallmark card. Don’t forget the envelope, that’s for the vomit, don’tcha know. I thought this year on my blog I’d do something different. I don’t want to waste space discussing my lamentable love life. Nah, old news. Instead today’s post is sort of a love letter … to myself. And why not? Rather than waiting for some guy to tell me how special I am, maybe I can just do that for myself, after all, they surely don’t know me the way I know me.

I’m trying to turn over a new leaf. It’s not that I’ve given up looking for a partner. It’s just that it’s gradually sinking in that nobody will ever fit the job description better than I will. And so, I want to treat myself with all the love and kindness that my imaginary perfect boyfriend would. Gloria Steinem hit the nail on the head when she said, “Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry.” Is it sad, or is it awesome, that I have more of the qualities I look for in a man inside of me than the men I encounter?

I want to take the time to care about how I feel and do nice little things for myself to make life more beautiful. Should a wonderful man cross my path, well that would be excellent. He could be the cherry on the cake that I baked myself. And should he not come around, well that cake will be damned fine without him. Well that’s what I’m going for anyways.

If I had a partner, I’d love to sit and listen to all the reasons why he loves me. The ego wants what it wants, eh? Who doesn’t like hearing about how awesome they are? Today I write about what I love most about myself, and I kind of recommend you do the same, partner or not. Our partners can be clueless when it comes to knowing how to meet our needs at times. And furthermore, it’s not fair to them to expect them to be mind-readers. Even the best girl/guy won’t be able to accommodate 100% of what we wish from them 100% of the time, so some of that needs to come from ourselves. We all have bad days. They will too. And when we stop giving them the power to effect our mood (easier said than done, for sure), it can be very liberating. I think maybe meeting my own needs isn’t the worst idea I’ve come up with.

Reasons why I love me:

My resilient heart: despite having had my heart broken, time after time, I heal. I heal like a mutha fucka… and I manage to do it without bitterness. I still believe in love, and I will never give up. I leave my heart open to possibilities.

My ability to see the good in people: Some will say it’s naievity, I say it’s anything but. We all have good and bad, we all have beauty. What we find in others is actually a reflection of ourselves, not the person we are observing. I choose to see the good. That’s the way I like my world to be.

My stillness: I like that I am quiet. I like that I can be comfortable not showing off or screaming for attention. I like my soft voice. I think there is beauty in restraint, a peacefulness and an elegance.

My smile: I do have an awesome smile… for real. You would be jealous.

My appreciation for beauty: I love the way my beady little eyes seek out beauty. I think I have an amazing aesthetic. I am able to enjoy all sorts of art from street art to the old masters. I find beauty everywhere I go, and quite frankly, being able to do that makes me feel very wealthy indeed. Maybe it’s because I can appreciate the finer things as well as the simple ones, without the need for ownership. I consider that a very great blessing.

Happy Valentine’s Day to myself, my best girl, my ride or die. I love you.

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It has been suggested that in times where you feel closure won’t be an option, writing a letter can be a good idea. Just get the feelings out. That’s supposed to be cathartic, but actually it wasn’t. Writing the following letter made me incredibly sad. I am sure in the months that follow, Birdy will pop up somewhere. He might not figure it out yet, but he will: I’m not the kind of woman that will be easily replaced. He will send me some stupid text, “whatcha doing?,” as if none of this ever happened. This time, I will ignore it. I will not continually act the part of the fool. I’ve done it before, and I always end up right back where I started.

So here is the letter I wrote to Birdy. I doubt he will ever see it. He knows of my blog, but I don’t think I was ever important enough to him for him to ever read it. Instead I share it with you.

Dear Birdy,

It was all in my imagination, but I thought when you looked at me you could stare in my heart and see the ME that nobody else could. That’s just how I am, silly with overly romantic ideas. I thought you were smart, good, handsome, and I admired and respected you. I had convinced myself that you were my “one.”

The truth is I could never relax enough around you to feel safe. I was trying too hard. I just wanted to make you happy with me and care for me, and so I walked on eggshells. I wanted to be perfect for you, but I was far from perfect. You always let me know. I was a bad driver, I dressed bad, I was selfish and didn’t “contribute” (I still don’t know if you were referring to money or something else – I was too ashamed to ask), and there were also some occasions where I was too lazy to brush my teeth. You broke up with me for three months for that one. I let my heart break repeatedly so I could keep you close. But we were never actually close, were we? You wouldn’t let me in.

I know you didn’t respect me. I could tell by the way you treated me, not answering my texts and always leaving me hanging. Making me feel like I wasn’t even worthy enough to let me know you had broken up with me. That was pretty heartless. Even you have to admit it. You talk to homeless men who stop you on the street. I’ve seen you do it many times. I was a woman who shared your bed and you wouldn’t allow me the same dignity as an unwashed stranger. What makes me so low in your eyes that you felt it was okay to treat me like that? You just completely turned your back on me like I never existed.

I am a human being. I have feelings. In fact I’d say I feel things way more deeply than I should. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve cried for you because at times you made me feel so unwanted. Pathetic? Yes. But I don’t care. You should know these things. You should know it so that if you ever do fall in love, you will know it’s not okay to treat someone you care for like that. It’s not ok to tease starving people with breadcrumbs of affection, even if they are weak and maybe a little stupid. That’s just cruel. It’s like tearing the wings off a butterfly.

It takes a lot to make a heart like mine go cold towards someone I love. I can take a lot of shit. But shit isn’t what I want. I want someone who is capable of seeing what I have to offer as a gift, not something to run from like a coward.

Go. Run away. I release you.

Love Always,
C

Did you ever write a letter to someone just for the sake of writing it? Did it help? I found this painful, and probably wouldn’t do it again. It made me cry and gave me a headache. It was more like opening a wound than letting it heal. This is probably the last post I shall ever write about Birdy (unless I hear from  him, then I’m sure I’ll mention it). I just don’t want to give him any more space. Not on my blog, not in my mind, and not in my heart.

Right now I just need to write. I need to get my feelings out. I’m suffering from the same old crap that rears it’s ugly head every once in a while, that feeling of deep loneliness and separation that can sometimes send me into a bad place.

I majored in English Literature. One thing you learn in literature is the concept of “other.” The separate, the not quite right. I identify with this idea much more than I care to. I always have. From as far back as my consciousness goes, I knew that I was “other,” I just didn’t have the special word for it. As a little girl, I always knew I was different. I was lucky if I had just one friend to hang out with in the playground. It is still kind of that way. I have a very small social circle (though it is one that I cherish beyond measure with the most beautifully curated individuals — people I am so honoured to have in my life).

As an adult, I came across something called the Myer-Briggs personality test. It turns out my personality is that of an INFJ, the rarest of all the personality types, making up 1-2% of the world’s population. This always made a lot of sense to me. It kind of legitimised what I already knew, and gave my theory a bit of scientific backing.

Well, today I feel more other than I usually do. I was triggered by two things. Thing one: I caught up with someone from my past, someone I thought I’d never hear from again. It was wonderful actually.  I discovered that though they’d been through their share of shit, they came out shining. This person is now a professor, has grown up considerably and seems to have developed greatly as a human being. Cherry on the cake? They are in a loving relationship which they have managed to maintain for 4 years. Thing two: I’m feeling a bit neglected by Birdy, and I am letting it affect me much more than I should.

So the end result is this warped idea in my head that everyone has their happy ending except for me. Sometimes I know how dumb I actually sound, but that doesn’t stop the feelings from taking hold. Such seems the case with my friends in real life and my BlogLand friends.  So many of you have gone through your trials, and you seem to have either resolved your issues or you now have a spanking new Prince Charming on your arm. You have finally found love. While I love Birdy, there are times when our relationship is quite unsatisfying (right now is one of those times). Happily Ever After seems like a cruel joke. While I’m sincerely happy to see those around me find love, I’m sad because I want to feel that I’m on my way too.

Now I know I just feel this way at this moment because I am in a major downer. I haven’t been triggered like this in a very long time, and so it feels particularly awful. The fairytale? That’s all it is, is bullshit. It’s a myth. Nobody’s life is perfect. I know that. Prince Charming is always an asshole every once in a while, even the shiniest of them all. But sometimes doesn’t it just seem that everyone has it figured out except you?

I spent a long time crying today, I’m ashamed to admit. Pity party, party of one. Damn, I got to stop those. I don’t want a table named after me at Chez Les Miserables! I need to snap myself out of this. I’m going to take myself out to eat and go to the movies (I really want to see I, Tonya), and distract myself a bit. It’s time to put a little self care into action again. I know I am responsible for my own happiness. Birdy is not my source of joy, even though I do have an awesome time in his company. I recognize that the only source of happiness is one that is self generated. But why does that feel like I am retreating into the land of “other”?  Why can’t I have happiness, love, and blackened fish sandwiches all at the same time? Universe, that would be quite grand if you could arrange it please.

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Sometimes I feel truly alone. Sometimes the shit hits the fan, and I look around and realize that there is nobody there to pick up the pieces but myself. Sometimes I really miss the days when I had a husband around to help me. Dr ManWhore was a great problem solver, despite his many faults. He didn’t like to see me sad, and he would bend over backwards to make my life easier for me when things were rough. Maybe it’s a blessing in disguise, however, that the only help I hear are the crickets chirping in the empty distance, because it forces me to deal with problems myself instead of allowing someone else to fix them for me. It matures me. It puts the power in my own hands. Quite frankly, it also kinda sucks.

Work has been breaking my back in the last two to three weeks, and I haven’t been handling it well— despite my peaceful demeanour. I’m good at appearing calm when I’m anything but. I’ve been doing a lot of binge eating. Aside from my regular meals I also ate 8 donuts today (yep, really). Yesterday my dinner was 2 grilled cheese sandwiches, ice cream, and a coconut macaroon. I guess I’ve been trying to comfort myself through fatty foods, but the result is that my belly hurts from the strain, and I feel disgusting. My neck and back are in knots from stress. Today I locked myself into a bathroom cubicle and just cried. I know I sound like a big baby, maybe I am one, but in my defence, former police officers have quit my job because the stress was too much. Big guys who know what it feels like to be shot at and tazered. But holiday time? It gets worse. I haven’t been handling it well.

I am going to take one of my very precious vacation/sick days tomorrow. I feel like my sanity requires it. If it’s not raining, maybe I’ll take a towel and lie on the beach, listen to the waves, and then visit a tea house. There is one on my radar I have been wanting to try. I feel so lousy my loves. Lousy and alone. Is this what it feels like to be an adult? Can I give it back? All I know is that I need to work really hard about getting myself in a decent headspace. I don’t want to feel this way.

Tonight I will be holding my own hand and settling my own heart, but oh how I long to lie in someone’s lap and hear the words I crave to be whispered by another human being, “it’s going to be okay.” (I should probably add that one to my 2017 holiday gift list, no?).

Things are going well, very well indeed. As I sit and drink my Mariage Freres Earl Grey Imperial from Paris and plan world domination, I pause to reflect on my many blessings. Life has been pretty swell. Below are five things that are causing me great amusement at the moment. Plus I have a little secret… but I’m keeping that to myself for now.
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1. As this post is published, I will be making my way to NYC. I have some super fun things planned. I’m going on two art tours which I’m totally excited about. One is a street art tour in Brooklyn. The second is going to be a cheeky fun tour at the MET called Nasty Women of the Metropolitan Museum. I’ve also got my yearly haircut booked at a fancy AF salon. I do love a little pampering. Of course there is going to be some exquisite eats for my belly, and hopefully a few little souvenirs to take home. I feel strongly that the best thing to bring home are simply my memories though. I’m a strong believer in collecting moments, not things. Things get lost, taken, or can get destroyed, but your experiences? Those are gold my lovelies.
 2. I finally got to eat a burger at Le Tub.
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I remember first hearing about this place on the Oprah show. It’s been called one of the best burgers in America. OMG you guys that burger is a Martha Falking monster. It’s 13oz of sirloin. That’s almost a pound!! It was mighty and delicious. The place itself is tres charmant! It’s an outdoor shack with a sort of tiki hipster vibe, decorated with old bathtubs and toilets. This old 1975 gas station turned burger joint is trailer park chic at at its finest. It overlooks the water, and as you eat little birds fly in to try and partake of the meaty shenanigans. I can’t blame them, who can resist the heady perfume of flame grilled beef, am I right?
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My dear friend Curly and I scarfed down our burgers and the ultra hot and delicious steak cut fries, but best burger ever? No. We give it a very solid and satisfying 8.5/10. Its surely one of Florida’s finest, but for me, the Emperor Burger at Charm City still rules the roost. It’s somewhere I’d absolutely go back to… in a heart beat. And yeah, I totally ate the whole thing. Caroline is the boss dollies. I can chow down with the big boys (I’m not sure if that’s a good thing, but it sure is fun).

 

3. I have some pretty exciting news. When I come back from NYC I will be interviewing for an internal post at my company. It would mean a raise, a promotion, and more desirable work hours. I am thrilled to be considered. While there are other people applying, some more senior than myself, I’m going to think good thoughts and trust that the Universe has my back. I want this, I really do! I am going to fill myself with happy thoughts and just go with the flow. I open myself to the wondrous possibilities. Send me your good vibes dollies!

4. I started some IPL (intense pulsed light) treatments to deal with some sun spots I started to get on my face — much to my dismay. This seems to be hereditary for the women on my mom’s side of the family. We are all fair skinned. I had the first treatment last week, and I’m extremely pleased with my results. I got a great deal on Groupon for three treatments. I may dedicate a post solely to the experience once it’s all done. I am looking forward to the final result. Treatment two will be one week from now. I’m looking forward to it.

5. My head is in a good place. That is big. I continually try to uplift myself. I’m so serious about raising my energy, it’s almost like a side job because it requires some serious energy. Learning to be happy, however,  pays much greater dividends than any career. I read good books (recently I read  “Spirit Junkie” by Gabrielle Bernstein) and I listen to motivational stuff and fun music when I take my walks. What else? Well, pretty much whatever the fuck makes me happy. It’s just that simple, but don’t be fooled, it is not without effort. One thing I learned on my life’s journey is that happiness isn’t something that just happens. We generate it. Unfortunately we aren’t taught how to flex this happiness muscle as children in school. We are taught to get good grades, to be well behaved, and to be productive. All of that is useless without joy. I am learning every day how to generate joy. Some days are more successful than others. My personal happiness is something selfish and self indulgent, but it is quite necessary. It’s the best thing I ever gave myself. It is fun, it is beautiful, and quite frankly, it is Devine.

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Hurricane Irma passed us, and I am happy to say, that despite what it looks like on the news, and aside from some fallen trees, we are unscathed. In fact, here where I live, we did not experience one power outage. My biggest complaint about Irma was that I was completely and utterly bored. I tried to fill the time by filling myself up with little brain goodies (and belly goodies too LOL, there goes my awesome weight loss progress).

What are brain goodies you ask? Things that make me feel good on the inside, happy and empowering quotes and pictures, uplifting stuff on YouTube, cheerful songs, and I downloaded Gabrielle Bernstien’s Spirit Junkies on Audible. Going to listen to that after I finish this post. I am a hippie at heart. So maybe it does sound a little flaky fairy when I tell you I’m working on raising my vibration, but that’s exactly what I’m doing.

Below I have made a collage of just a few of my little brain goodies. It’s stuff I collected on Instagram and Pinterest. Just little snippets that I browse when I need a little pick me up. Chocolate cake works too.

Click any image to enlarge.