1. My red Charlotte Olympia flip flops with the tiger on it.
2. Big sunglasses
3. When a man buys me flowers
4. Allowing myself to enjoy great food. Sometimes, you just gotta say, “Fuck calories.” Life is meant to be lived!
5. Nuetrogena’s cheap and cheerful Swiss Formula hand cream. I haven’t found a luxury brand that makes a better one.
6. My privacy 
7. Having proof of guys being assholes by documenting my conversation with a screenshot. 
8. I love that being happy is free and accessible to everyone.
9. Hash browns at McDonalds, a guilty but greasy delicious pleasure.
10. Having an occasion to get dressed up for.
11. When you stop trying to force connections that deep down you know will never work.
12. Moon drop grapes.
13. Ice cream sandwiches
14. Naps in the sunlight
15. Vintage and mismatched china for tea.
16. Doing little treatments for myself: hair masks, doing my toe nails, fancy face creams. Sometimes I forget to do these things, and when I restart them, I realize how necessary they are.
17. Mr Rogers, I truly think the man was an American hero.
18. My MacbookPro
19. Taking care of my spirit when it’s tired.
20. The smell of night blooming jasmine.
21. Yelp — not so much for the reviews, but I love being able to look at the pictures before I decide what to order.
22. Realizing later on that I dodged a bullet after not getting something I desperately  wanted.
23. Getting my period. I know this will seem odd to you, but I love getting my period. It lets me know I’m working the way I should be and I’m not pregnant. That’s important lol. 
24. Deleting voice mails before I even listened to them — okay I probably shouldn’t admit that one, but whatever, it’s true.
25. When you see a picture of a boyfriend’s ex and you accidentally spit on your iPhone out of sheer hilarity 
26. Keeping my cool when I’m under pressure (like that ever happens).
27. The Handmaid’s Tale, a great series on Hulu. This retelling is actually way better than the book, which I read in college.
28. When Prince grills me chicken and we have dinner outside. There is something about those moments that make me feel very content and cared for.
29. The way I feel after I do weights (not like I even remember the last time I did that).
30. Getting indoors right before it starts to pour with rain.
31. Chanel No. 5 – it’s a classic for a reason!
32. Dancing in the bathroom
33. Niel Patrick Harris 
34. Consistency
35. Seeing someone you love succeeding. Sometimes I think people forget that life is not a competition, there is room for everyone to win.
36. New York
37. When someone offers to make me tea
38. Those rare people who stick around … even if you throw an epic hissy.
39. The pancakes at Chez Ma Tante, worth a trip to Williamsburg. 
40. Neck kisses, they give me goosebumps.
41. Trusting in possibilities and not giving up.
42. Coming across an amazing piece of street art by accident.
43. Bergdorf Goodman’s flagship store in NYC — I cant afford to shop there, but whateva. To quote Ashley Longshore, “there’s no crying at Bergdorf’s.”
44. Christian Louboutin’s Bianca platform shoes *le sigh* … if only…
45. The smell, heat, texture, and taste of the freshly baked pitas my dad makes when they come straight from the oven.
46. Taco Tuesday at Rubio’s … I love those fish tacos.
47. When someone remembers something very minor and random I once said. It makes me feel like that a person cares enough to truly listen. There’s few things so satisfying as feeling heard.
48. Times where I can snag enough seats on an airplane to stretch out and take a little nap in the sky.
49. Marvis toothpaste
50. Crumpets (I buy them at Trader Joe’s) with butter and honey. Scrummylicious!
51. Discovering luxurious new beauty products. Right now I have my beady little eyes on two colors of Gucci lip glosses. Perhaps I’ll indulge myself in a little treat this weekend.
52. When someone does the hard work for me — ah yes, the things I will do to avoid my responsibilities. Manipulation and bribery, it’s all good. 
53. Le Coucou in NYC, dreamy, delicious, and indulgent.
54. Thunder and lightening 
55. Ashley Longshore’s “You Dont Look Fat, You Look Crazy” — there are so many great lines in that book, but the one that moves me most is “fear is the catalyst for action.” Totally Ashley, you fucking nailed it.
56. Talking’ the occasional shit about someone who pisses me off *shrugs shoulders*
57. Brie de Meaux cheese. It boggles my mind why it is illegal in the US. I think it’s positively heavenly.
58. Taking a break
59. Free samples
60. Long walks with my guy which end at a stop at a local Italian bakery for my favorite cheesecake ever. Prince never fails to ask me if I want cheesecake. The answer is always the same.
61. Days when you KNOW you look good.
62. The smell of popcorn in at the movies
63. Troll dolls, yes, really.
64. Gummy vitamins, because they taste like candy but they are actually good for you.
65. What it feels like to wake up and see someone you love right next to you. 
66. Inside jokes 
67. Taking a shower with the window open and being able to watch the rain outside.
68. Knowing that despite all the hurt and horrible stuff out there, that there will always be kindness.
69. When my stats for the month at work are on point
70. Ridiculously large pieces of cake
71. When someone has enough faith and trust in me to confide a secret
72. Cute yoga clothes — not that I do yoga, but I certainly got my share of lovely overpriced gear.
73. List writing… I don’t know, it’s just a thing for me. I like writing lists and I like crossing things out when I get them done.
74. Sexy accents
75. Swimming in a pool in my underwear 
76. Lavender and Earl Grey (aka London Fog) and matcha lattes 
77. Checking out the new cookbook releases at the bookstore
78. When Karma does the dirty work for me … so satisfying!
79. Panatonne. I like it in it’s undressed form. I like it toasted with a bit of butter. I adore it as decadent French toast. Why isn’t it popular all year round? I should stockpile it.
80. Big soft T-shirt’s that I can sleep in, the ones that have been washed many times and feel like buttah.
81. Being made to feel included.
82. Pet names / nicknames
83. Credit card intro offers. I know I got over $1000 of free stuff this year without spending a penny of my own… you just got to know how to work the system.
84. Having a full tank of gas
85. Dulce de leche 
86. Music that makes me feel sexy and powerful.
87. When wishes come true in a way that is better than you could have imagined.
88. Solo adventures, I love proving to myself time and time again that I can do things on my own.
89. The feeling you get when you do something nice for someone and you can tell that they really appreciate it.
90. Conversations so good that you are amazed when you look at the time and realize you have been chatting forever.
91. The feeling I get at 4:59pm when I turn off the computer to go home after the end of a long work day. 
92. The feeling I get at 5:02 when I’m in my car and I start the engine to go home  … yes, bliss. 
93. Genuine random compliments — giving and receiving them.
94. When something lives up to the hype.
95. Days where you wake up and realize you don’t have to go to work and the endless possibilities there are for fun.
96. Being a woman
97. My resilient heart
98. New beginnings 
99. True and deep friendships
100. Commemorating milestones like birthdays and anniversaries: I love any opportunity for cake– just in case that isn’t abundantly clear. Oh, by the way, today IS my birthday, just so you know.

Birthday kisses to you all. I love you guys.  Send gifts. I don’t mind if they are a little late. I’m cool like that.

So I have a confession to make. I slipped. After about 4 months of no contact with Birdy, I texted him. You guys know, despite the things I’ve written, that he will always have a place in my heart. Like it or not. It’s just fact. I don’t want to love him. Not after the way he has treated me (or more correctly, his lack of treatment altogether). But if you read my blog, you know that I do love him.  My heart and my brain argue constantly on this subject. I got a little triggered. It was that sappy 80’s music, but there I was in the mall, spending ungodly amounts of money on things I don’t need, when the emotions took hold. The Devil totally made me do it. Or Journey. Whatever. It totally lead me down the wrong path. Note to self on the 1980’s: bad hair, bad fashion choices, and bad for my decision making skills.

If only I was that special kind of human that can dismiss someone without thought … no, that will never be me. God, please grant me that superpower in my next life.

Yeah, so I sent a text via WhatsApp. And I waited. Then I waited some more. Inside I could feel a sickening mix of hope and anxiety. And then, after 7 hours, the two blue ticks appeared, indicating that he read my message.

And I waited. And I waited some more. And then some more… and then some more. And can you guess that happened? Ha, yes! So right dollies… nothing happened. There was no reply. And then from the hours of 11 to 2 I cried.

In those hours I heard from Mr. Big. Remember him? He gave me some good and constructive advice. The same advice that everyone else gives me, the advice that only an outsider who is not emotionally invested is able to give. It did help me to feel better, I must admit. But it didn’t erase the feelings of embarrassment and hurt that had embedded themselves within my heart. I know I kind of deserved it. It was so stupid of me. What did I expect?

I know Birdy’s decision not to reply to me is one which I need to respect and honor. I will not pursue it. Anyway it’s too hard. His rejection leaves me feeling completely stripped of dignity. It was always that way when it came to him. I now understand why. And perhaps it is a Pandora’s Box best left locked. But you know it fucking hurt, don’t you? Rejection always hurts, but when it’s from someone you love… it’s the bitterest, ugliest pill there is.

I know I have to take this rejection and transform it into something constructive. That’s the plan anyway. Watch this space. Next stop, NY.

It has been about two weeks into my Birthday Challenge. I haven’t logged into any dating websites. Tito is still around, but less so. Though he is still present as my friend, I can feel him backing off and not really wanting to see me as much as he used to. It’s okay. I place no blame on him for that, I guess it’s to be expected. He isn’t meant for me, and that is okay. Totally.  I still think he is a great guy. Just not my guy. When it’s right, I won’t have to convince someone to be with me, they will WANT to be there. Over the two weeks I’ve had a fews highs and lows. This time, there is no masking the lows with cute texts from a hot guy. I have to resort to other measures. One of my favourite ways to get happy has always been to count my blessings and remember the things I love. So I guess now is as good a time as any for my next 100 Things I Love post.

1. Strangers who become friends
2. Little Moir’s Food Shack in Jupiter, Florida.
3. Getting to see Dita Von Teese’s Art of the Tease in Miami, that was a bucket list thing for me.
4. The supply closet at work. I do like to help myself LOL.
5. Making someone’s day a little better
6. Birkenstocks: I know lots of people find them to be quite hideous (especially men), but I have to say that I completely adore mine.
7. Sneaking out of work a few minutes early … sometimes more than a than a few
8. Diet Coke. I kicked my nasty habit and now I’ve returned to it. *sigh*
9. Hanging out with the girls
10. Having the friendship I now have with my ex husband. It means so much to me, more than I’m really capable of expressing. It’s a balm to my soul.
11. Original glazed Krispy Kreme donuts when they are fresh and still warm. It’s like eating a sugar cloud(s) of love! (Come on guys, you know I don’t stop at one LOL)
12. Taking walks
13. Nachos, fully loaded please. Lots of guacamole and sour cream!
14. Dresses that make me feel pretty and look thin. I’m partial to maxi dresses that allow me to eat lots but still look good. It’s kind of like a fashionable moo moo. Well you know, what do you expect after a mountain of nachos?
15. “Ah-ha” moments
16. Scarface
17. Feeling wanted
18. My femininity
19. Fresh pineapple when it’s sweet and juicy. Which other fruit comes with it’s own crown?
20. Being still. I don’t mean not moving, I mean not feeling the need to act or react. Instead, making the choice to just “be.” I am far from an expert at this, but it’s something I’m working on. This works so well for me when I’m successful at it.
21. An open heart and an open mind. Such a beautiful combination.
22. That I finally have a car
23. When I earn a Fitbit badge
24. Crispy fish fingers with tartar sauce and lemon
25. Full, soft lips
26. When I guy I like tells me I’m beautiful
27. Not having to shave my legs when I’m single (or anything else, for that matter)
28. Discovering a cool new song on YouTube … the more obscure the artist, the happier it makes me.
29. Groupon. So okay it twists my arm to spend more money than I should, but I do love an amazing bargain.
30. R1 Coffee for the most delectable avocado toast.
31. Books & Books in Coral Gables, probably Florida’s coolest bookstore.
32. Patty Cake$ — a very cool movie that never made it into popularity, but surely deserved it.
33. When I return stuff and I see the money going back onto my credit card. It’s ridiculously satisfying.
34. Chocolate covered graham crackers
35. When my eyebrows are perfectly groomed. I’m definitely an eyebrow person. I’m not into all the pencil work people do (it’s too fake for me), I just like a perfectly tweezed brow.
36. Gwpaddict.com a very cool website that lets you know which skincare and makeup brands are giving away free goodies with purchase.
37. Kerastase’s Oleo Relax … the best hair product for frizzy manes. It’s expensive, but it actually works. It also happens to have the most amazing scent.
38. The smell of toasted raisin bread
39. The times when I am able to handle my difficulties with grace.
40. Men with muscular arms… so sexy. And if there also happen to be tattoos??? Well, I kinda die a little.
41. Having my hair done at an upscale salon, and leaving feeling fancy AF.
42. When someone lets me in front of them at the supermarket.
43. My vulnerability. Even though it opens me up to hurt, it also leaves the door open to let the magic in.
44. Feeling my own power. It doesn’t happen every day, but when I am able to tap into it, it’s positively exhilarating!
45. Ashley Longshore, a New Orleans artist who makes me laugh out loud. I just adore her. Do follow her on Instagram.
46. Le Tub in Hollywood, Florida. I love chilled the atmosphere, and the burger is freaking fine! It makes me feel like I’m on vacation.
47. Going out of my comfort zone, it’s where the magic happens.
48. Kissing
49. The street art scene in Bushwick, Brooklyn. It was there that I discovered the most beautiful piece of street art I had ever come across.
50. ABC Carpet and Home – expensive but filled with treasures. The place is positively dreamy. It’s like Anthropologie on steroids.
51. Slumber parties
52. Selfies that I actually look good in
53. Stranger Things, a TV series I love on Netflix
54. Being toasty warm
55. Pizza: a love triangle which I can totally get into.
56. Raggedy Ann, I have loved her since I could remember.
57. People who are honest and real.
58. When someone buys me a food treat.
59. Oysters … who would have guessed?
60. Impromptu adventures
61. Tying up loose ends
62. Easy days at work
63. Kind words
64. Tatcha’s Koyoto red lipstick. I have been looking for my perfect red for the longest time. Apparently, this is a universal red that looks good on every woman.
65. Knowing that I have everything I need and most of what I want.
66. Reminders that someone you love, loves you too (I’m not just talking about romantic love).
67. The Biltmore in Coral Gables. I felt blessed to be able to spend the night there when Krazy Cat came to visit me. AND I got to have afternoon tea.
68. Romantic friendships and friendly romances. It’s something Gabrielle Bernstein discusses in her book, “Spirit Junkie.”
69. Love bruises, I find them completely erotic. Is that odd?
70. Going to the Standard Spa in Miami. Utter luxury. Awesome memories. A steam room and hamam that makes me feel like I’m in heaven.
71. Generosity
72. Dipping my feet in the water.
73. Watching a great Bollywood epic
74. Genuine smiles, the ones that start from the heart and make other people smile too.
75. Tracy Emin
76. Living somewhere that doesn’t get winter.
77. Feeling childish enough to be silly and let my inner dingbat roam free.
78. Seeing the people I love laughing and smiling. It makes my heart feel light.
79. Super shiny lip balm
80. The family environment we have at work. It makes tough days a lot more manageable.
81. Romance
82. Making my Fitbit goals for the day. These days it’s 20,000 steps.
83. Stepping back. I am learning that not everything requires me to act or react. Sometimes the best thing to do is nothing. I’m slowly learning how to release control and allow the Universe to do her thing.
84. Colored contact lenses, a fun but dramatic way to play with my looks.
85. Hope
86. Jasmine tea
87. Waking up like a tiger… “rawr”!!
88. La Maison du Chocolate
89. Keeiping a journal (aka recording the crazy)
90. Bumble bees. They make honey, they fly, and they wear glamorous fur coats.
91. Benetint by Benefit. I’ve been using this lip and cheek stain since it came out. It’s is completely weightless and looks so natural.
92. When my BirchBox comes in the mail.
93. Making amends, because life is way too short to hold grudges.
94. Yayoi Kusama and her Infinity Mirrors
95. The smugness I feel when my iPhone falls, and the screen shattered, but it’s only the glass screen protector. Caroline will not be thwarted.
96. Lobster sushi from Sushi Yama
97. Browsing through the books and magazines and Barnes & Noble in a comfy armchair (and their chocolate cupcakes slide into my belly quite nicely)
98. New sneakers
99. Seeing good things happen to people I love.
100. That no matter how bad I sometimes feel, I have the courage to keep going. We are so much stronger than we ever give ourselves credit for.

Right now I just need to write. I need to get my feelings out. I’m suffering from the same old crap that rears it’s ugly head every once in a while, that feeling of deep loneliness and separation that can sometimes send me into a bad place.

I majored in English Literature. One thing you learn in literature is the concept of “other.” The separate, the not quite right. I identify with this idea much more than I care to. I always have. From as far back as my consciousness goes, I knew that I was “other,” I just didn’t have the special word for it. As a little girl, I always knew I was different. I was lucky if I had just one friend to hang out with in the playground. It is still kind of that way. I have a very small social circle (though it is one that I cherish beyond measure with the most beautifully curated individuals — people I am so honoured to have in my life).

As an adult, I came across something called the Myer-Briggs personality test. It turns out my personality is that of an INFJ, the rarest of all the personality types, making up 1-2% of the world’s population. This always made a lot of sense to me. It kind of legitimised what I already knew, and gave my theory a bit of scientific backing.

Well, today I feel more other than I usually do. I was triggered by two things. Thing one: I caught up with someone from my past, someone I thought I’d never hear from again. It was wonderful actually.  I discovered that though they’d been through their share of shit, they came out shining. This person is now a professor, has grown up considerably and seems to have developed greatly as a human being. Cherry on the cake? They are in a loving relationship which they have managed to maintain for 4 years. Thing two: I’m feeling a bit neglected by Birdy, and I am letting it affect me much more than I should.

So the end result is this warped idea in my head that everyone has their happy ending except for me. Sometimes I know how dumb I actually sound, but that doesn’t stop the feelings from taking hold. Such seems the case with my friends in real life and my BlogLand friends.  So many of you have gone through your trials, and you seem to have either resolved your issues or you now have a spanking new Prince Charming on your arm. You have finally found love. While I love Birdy, there are times when our relationship is quite unsatisfying (right now is one of those times). Happily Ever After seems like a cruel joke. While I’m sincerely happy to see those around me find love, I’m sad because I want to feel that I’m on my way too.

Now I know I just feel this way at this moment because I am in a major downer. I haven’t been triggered like this in a very long time, and so it feels particularly awful. The fairytale? That’s all it is, is bullshit. It’s a myth. Nobody’s life is perfect. I know that. Prince Charming is always an asshole every once in a while, even the shiniest of them all. But sometimes doesn’t it just seem that everyone has it figured out except you?

I spent a long time crying today, I’m ashamed to admit. Pity party, party of one. Damn, I got to stop those. I don’t want a table named after me at Chez Les Miserables! I need to snap myself out of this. I’m going to take myself out to eat and go to the movies (I really want to see I, Tonya), and distract myself a bit. It’s time to put a little self care into action again. I know I am responsible for my own happiness. Birdy is not my source of joy, even though I do have an awesome time in his company. I recognize that the only source of happiness is one that is self generated. But why does that feel like I am retreating into the land of “other”?  Why can’t I have happiness, love, and blackened fish sandwiches all at the same time? Universe, that would be quite grand if you could arrange it please.