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Lavender lattes: it’s a full blown obsession now. I have to figure out how to make them.

Sorry I haven’t written much lately. Sometimes life just isn’t all that exciting and so there is no point boring anyone with the minutiae. All is well. Next month I should have a fabulous post to write. I am super looking forward to seeing Crazy Kat in Portland (I’ve never been that far west before), and hopefully there will be  a little excursion into Seattle as well. I adore CK, and I always have the best time in her company. If you read my blog regularly, you know how much I love to travel. I try to see a new place every year, it’s one of my goals. Food, art, and travel; these are my passions in life. When I travel, I usually get to satisfy all three, so there is really nothing I anticipate more than a holiday away from my little cubicle at work. And anticipation? In my book, that’s half the fun.

Things are going well at work. I have a new boss. She started several weeks ago, and so far she seems absolutely lovely.  It’s a pleasure working with her. My new team that I got moved to is awesome too. It’s all good in the hood. I actually just celebrated my two year anniversary with the company. That’s a record for me since being back in Florida. Truth be told, however, I’m feeling kind of burnt out. Work has been trying, and a break is long overdue.

So what else? Well I went on a few dates. Nobody worth pursuing romantically, but I did meet a guy who I developed a friendship with. He is very sweet, I just didn’t feel any sparks. I want sparks.  I’m not going to settle. I’d rather be alone than with the wrong man, and being alone is no longer feeling as burdensome as it used to. So this guy, I’m not terribly attracted to him, and his life situation is not conducive to a relationship, but he makes for an awesome friend. We text often and go out to eat every once in a while. It’s nice to having company and to  have someone I can be a bit silly with, but that’s all it is. We don’t do anything more than hug. This time around I’m a lot more selective. Do you know what else? These days I just tell a guy if I’m not feeling anything. Before I used to be so afraid of not hurting anyone’s feelings. Now I just tell them in the kindest way I know how, that I don’t want to pursue anything. And do you know what? I learned that most men appreciate this. Honesty really is the best way to go. From personal experience, I learned that there are few things worse than having your emotions toyed with, so this is why I force myself to be direct. Life is too short to do otherwise. I guess this means I’m learning to value myself better.

I guess you can say that these days I’m dating myself. I try to follow what makes ME happy, and frankly, I’m pretty freaking good at it. I might just be my best boyfriend evvvvvaaaaa. In fact, just yesterday I took myself out for the most delicious lavender latte at a charming little local tea shop called The Modern Rose. And today we (and I use the word “we” in the sense of the royal we) are going to the movies. I am going to watch Crazy Rich Asians – as we are in the mood for something silly and light hearted. There might be some chocolate covered Godiva macaroons involved (my favorite Scooby snack). Hey … come on… might???? You know they totally are involved LOL.

So anyway, just saying hi. Haven’t forgotten you. Didn’t slip into a black hole in the blogosphere… just laying low a bit. What have you been up to?

Tons of love,

Caroline

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I had a terrible scare this week I don’t know what happened. But my vision … something happened. One morning I woke up with blurry double vision in my left eye, and I noticed I could no longer see up close. Panic is an understatement dollies. I was considering going to the emergency room.

Monday at work I got to my desk, and after turning in the computer I started to cry. I couldn’t see the words on my screen. I didn’t know what to do. Somehow I made it through until I was able to see a doctor.

Well, to make a long story short, my vision has changed. Apparently this is something normal. When you reach about 40, something happens to your eyes where seeing up close becomes a lot more difficult. I’m not going to die or become blind I relaized, I’m just getting older.  God, was I freaked out. Majorly freaked.

My mom decided it might be a good idea to test my blood. She is diabetic, and it runs heavy in our family history. Eye problems and diabetes go hand in hand, so she asked me to try her blood test machine thingy… guess what? According to my score (107),  I’m pre diabetic. Nice huh? So now I’ve started looking at labels a lot more, and I’m going to make some tweaks to my diet (even though I’m only 122 pounds). Here’s a crazy fact: a woman should not consume more than 25g of sugar a day. A large apple has 23 grams! I eat an apple every day! I’m cutting fruit out of my diet, and I’m watching all the sugars. I realize my Monday – Friday diet has about 40 grams of sugar, and I figured out how to reduce it to 12 grams without going through any inconvenience. I’ll allow myself treats still, on the weekend, but I’ve got to learn to be much more mindful, and only treat myself to foods that REALLY call to me. I’m going to be much more selective in my food choices. I absolutely do not want to be diabetic. I totally don’t want to deal with that shit.

Here is another good one. Last week my boss took me into her office along with the branch office manager. I was told that my work isn’t up to scratch. I’ve been at this company almost two years now. It’s the one concrete thing I have (well, that and my honorary membership into Club Spinster). Damn, if I loose my job I’m I’m going to be devastated. Yeah, there are days I don’t want to go into work, but I like my job (I’d go as far as to say it is essential to my sanity), plus I really love the company I work for. I’m going to work extra hard and do my best to jump through the hoops like a good little show pony. I hope they will see my efforts.

As I feel my life is crumbling, I’ve been feeling especially alone. My mother has been a great comfort to me. I’m also blessed with an awesome grandmother and a father who loves me to bits. I have a couple dear friends — though none live nearby. The eyes, the diabetes scare, the possibility I can loose my job … it makes me feel incredibly vulnerable. I wish I had someone special in my life, that I could lie on his lap, or maybe be cuddled a bit. I wish he would stroke my hair and tell me things would be okay … but that just doesn’t seem to be on the horizon, especially since I’ve taken myself out of the dating pool.

I have my birthday coming up in a couple weeks. I turn 43. The idea of ending my Birthday Challenge and trying to date again fills me with more dread than excitement this time around. I don’t know if I’m strong enough to deal with the emotions. Yes, I always can hope that this time I’ll find the one whose soul loves mine. I love that dream. But I am starting to wonder if it is just a dream. I talk to other women, and I know I’m not alone in this feeling, this general feeling of heartbreak and disappointment. I do know I’ll try again, because that’s just who I am. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to give up on love… but maybe now is not the time. Right now, I want to focus on my job and my health. I don’t think I want to attempt dating until I feel inspired by the prospect. I don’t want to date because of my fear of being alone. I think the Birthday Challenge is to be extended until I feel okay in my skin again.

And this, my dear, is how the sugar free cookie crumbles. Barf… like I’d ever eat that shit.

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Sometimes I feel truly alone. Sometimes the shit hits the fan, and I look around and realize that there is nobody there to pick up the pieces but myself. Sometimes I really miss the days when I had a husband around to help me. Dr ManWhore was a great problem solver, despite his many faults. He didn’t like to see me sad, and he would bend over backwards to make my life easier for me when things were rough. Maybe it’s a blessing in disguise, however, that the only help I hear are the crickets chirping in the empty distance, because it forces me to deal with problems myself instead of allowing someone else to fix them for me. It matures me. It puts the power in my own hands. Quite frankly, it also kinda sucks.

Work has been breaking my back in the last two to three weeks, and I haven’t been handling it well— despite my peaceful demeanour. I’m good at appearing calm when I’m anything but. I’ve been doing a lot of binge eating. Aside from my regular meals I also ate 8 donuts today (yep, really). Yesterday my dinner was 2 grilled cheese sandwiches, ice cream, and a coconut macaroon. I guess I’ve been trying to comfort myself through fatty foods, but the result is that my belly hurts from the strain, and I feel disgusting. My neck and back are in knots from stress. Today I locked myself into a bathroom cubicle and just cried. I know I sound like a big baby, maybe I am one, but in my defence, former police officers have quit my job because the stress was too much. Big guys who know what it feels like to be shot at and tazered. But holiday time? It gets worse. I haven’t been handling it well.

I am going to take one of my very precious vacation/sick days tomorrow. I feel like my sanity requires it. If it’s not raining, maybe I’ll take a towel and lie on the beach, listen to the waves, and then visit a tea house. There is one on my radar I have been wanting to try. I feel so lousy my loves. Lousy and alone. Is this what it feels like to be an adult? Can I give it back? All I know is that I need to work really hard about getting myself in a decent headspace. I don’t want to feel this way.

Tonight I will be holding my own hand and settling my own heart, but oh how I long to lie in someone’s lap and hear the words I crave to be whispered by another human being, “it’s going to be okay.” (I should probably add that one to my 2017 holiday gift list, no?).

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Hello dollies!

It’s been a while since I last wrote anything, almost a month. I always write to you on my sister’s computer, but it was having technical difficulties which are now resolved. I am happy to say that all is well.

Let me start with a short recap. I didn’t get that promotion I applied for, but I am totally ok with that. I don’t think the position was actually suited to me. Still I put myself out there, and as a result, I was gifted with a new direction. You see, I was kind of a aimless as far as what I wanted my career path to be within my company, but as a result of the failed interview, I had a fantastic conversation with one of the bosses which really  helped me to figure out a route that I know would really be suited to me. I am very pleased I didn’t get the job, because now that I know the job I want, I don’t really want anything else.

All is well with Birdy and I. We had a couple of delicious trips to The Standard Spa, a few slumber parties, and in a most unladylike fashion, Moi invited herself over for Thanksgiving dinner. No regrets, I’d do it again. It was a lovely evening and I had a wonderful time. Birdy’s family are so welcoming to me, and that feeling of being included is one that I have always craved. I have been making the drive to Birdy’s place and getting more and more comfortable with driving on the highway. I am very proud of myself.

Work has been fun. Well, not work per say, but the work environment. My company goes all out for the holidays. We had the most fantastic pot luck. The manager of our district even cooked us turkeys! How cool is that? Then, yesterday, two of my co workers and I hung out after work and went to one of my favourite restaurants. I over ate … a lot … but whatevs. I know it may sound a bit strange, but I’ve never hung out with a co-worker outside of work before.  Once upon a time I was an isolated housewife who spoke to barely anyone. Now I actually have friends — they aren’t even imaginary! It is a novelty that I am still getting used to.

With Thanksgiving, the pot luck, going out to eat, and all the holiday fun, my diet has kind of gone to shit. Before all this started I reached just under 118 pounds. It was a f’ing pre-Christmas miracle. I dare not weight myself now. I am confident I’ll get myself back in gear. I have to. I just bought this beautiful dress I’ve been lusting after for about 6 months in the Black Friday sales online, and I am determined to look as ultra fab in it as I do in my imagination!

I am happy my loves. When was the last time I wrote that? I have everything I need and everything I want, and I am grateful beyond measure. Of course, we can always gild the lily a bit, no? I will just preface my list by admitting that the things I want most can’t be bought. They will require lots of good energy and patience. The other things, just cherries on the cake. If end up with none, I would not be even the tiniest bit sad. If I had a tree, these are the things I should like to be under it.

Birdy with a big red bow on him. I don’t know if he has the patience to crouch under a tree all night so he can surprise me for when I wake, but I can dream, no? Maybe he can even pop out of a cake or something. I think I’d like that very much.

A fabulous Norma Kamali bathing suit for when I luxuriate at The Standard. I love the retro glamour of it. It is just so Old  Hollywood.
Note: the ribbon on Birdy should match the color of my swimsuit.

Bill Mio swimsuit by Norma Kamali

The Curator Collection mascara set by Hourglass. I tried it NYC. Fantastic.

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A MacBook Pro. I’ve not owned a computer since moving back to the US, I think I’d quite like one. One with a big ass screen to match my expanding thighs. It’s all about balance dollies!

A fabulous getaway to somewhere I’ve never been. The ticket should come in a gold envelope methinks. Perhaps it can be tucked into an uber designer carry on.

OMG, am I not so good at making up presents?! We haven’t even scratched the surface. You see, just when you think you’ve witnessed the bottom of my batshit crazy… BOOM! There’s the bat shit crazy underground garage! And the garage has levels dontcha know?!

So tell me my dears, what is on your list? I know you have one, even if it’s not written down. Have you treated yourself to anything special?

Things are going well, very well indeed. As I sit and drink my Mariage Freres Earl Grey Imperial from Paris and plan world domination, I pause to reflect on my many blessings. Life has been pretty swell. Below are five things that are causing me great amusement at the moment. Plus I have a little secret… but I’m keeping that to myself for now.
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1. As this post is published, I will be making my way to NYC. I have some super fun things planned. I’m going on two art tours which I’m totally excited about. One is a street art tour in Brooklyn. The second is going to be a cheeky fun tour at the MET called Nasty Women of the Metropolitan Museum. I’ve also got my yearly haircut booked at a fancy AF salon. I do love a little pampering. Of course there is going to be some exquisite eats for my belly, and hopefully a few little souvenirs to take home. I feel strongly that the best thing to bring home are simply my memories though. I’m a strong believer in collecting moments, not things. Things get lost, taken, or can get destroyed, but your experiences? Those are gold my lovelies.
 2. I finally got to eat a burger at Le Tub.
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I remember first hearing about this place on the Oprah show. It’s been called one of the best burgers in America. OMG you guys that burger is a Martha Falking monster. It’s 13oz of sirloin. That’s almost a pound!! It was mighty and delicious. The place itself is tres charmant! It’s an outdoor shack with a sort of tiki hipster vibe, decorated with old bathtubs and toilets. This old 1975 gas station turned burger joint is trailer park chic at at its finest. It overlooks the water, and as you eat little birds fly in to try and partake of the meaty shenanigans. I can’t blame them, who can resist the heady perfume of flame grilled beef, am I right?
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My dear friend Curly and I scarfed down our burgers and the ultra hot and delicious steak cut fries, but best burger ever? No. We give it a very solid and satisfying 8.5/10. Its surely one of Florida’s finest, but for me, the Emperor Burger at Charm City still rules the roost. It’s somewhere I’d absolutely go back to… in a heart beat. And yeah, I totally ate the whole thing. Caroline is the boss dollies. I can chow down with the big boys (I’m not sure if that’s a good thing, but it sure is fun).

 

3. I have some pretty exciting news. When I come back from NYC I will be interviewing for an internal post at my company. It would mean a raise, a promotion, and more desirable work hours. I am thrilled to be considered. While there are other people applying, some more senior than myself, I’m going to think good thoughts and trust that the Universe has my back. I want this, I really do! I am going to fill myself with happy thoughts and just go with the flow. I open myself to the wondrous possibilities. Send me your good vibes dollies!

4. I started some IPL (intense pulsed light) treatments to deal with some sun spots I started to get on my face — much to my dismay. This seems to be hereditary for the women on my mom’s side of the family. We are all fair skinned. I had the first treatment last week, and I’m extremely pleased with my results. I got a great deal on Groupon for three treatments. I may dedicate a post solely to the experience once it’s all done. I am looking forward to the final result. Treatment two will be one week from now. I’m looking forward to it.

5. My head is in a good place. That is big. I continually try to uplift myself. I’m so serious about raising my energy, it’s almost like a side job because it requires some serious energy. Learning to be happy, however,  pays much greater dividends than any career. I read good books (recently I read  “Spirit Junkie” by Gabrielle Bernstein) and I listen to motivational stuff and fun music when I take my walks. What else? Well, pretty much whatever the fuck makes me happy. It’s just that simple, but don’t be fooled, it is not without effort. One thing I learned on my life’s journey is that happiness isn’t something that just happens. We generate it. Unfortunately we aren’t taught how to flex this happiness muscle as children in school. We are taught to get good grades, to be well behaved, and to be productive. All of that is useless without joy. I am learning every day how to generate joy. Some days are more successful than others. My personal happiness is something selfish and self indulgent, but it is quite necessary. It’s the best thing I ever gave myself. It is fun, it is beautiful, and quite frankly, it is Devine.

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I have been fiendishly absent, I know.  Work has been kicking my ass, it’s been kinda shitty actually. At times my job is so super stressful. I think I might actually be loosing my hair as a result. Every time I brush, it just seems like so much is shedding. These days my ponytail feels painfully thin.  I now started taking hair vitamins. I persevere. My hope is that in the next several months I can apply for a promotion. While I’m certainly no corporate ladder climbing hamster, a raise sure would be lovely. Think of how many more burgers I could have and all the extra adventures I could go on!

Sometimes the stress does get to me, but I try to always stay focused on the good stuff. One cool thing was that I got to see Chris Rock perform at the HardRock. That has been on my bucket list for aaaages! I remember back in my married days, my ex-husband and I always wanted to see him together… but oh how life changes. I know I don’t have to tell you.  Sometimes things don’t turn out the way you expect, but that isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Such is the case with seeing Chris Rock. It was worth the wait, the show was freaking awesome, as was the company, and it was something I will never forget. It’s another little jewel in my treasure chest of memories. To me, a wonderful experience will always mean more to me than a new toy.

Another cool thing? In less than 3 days time I’ll be accomplishing another New Years resolution: visiting a place I’ve never been before. I’ll be off to Washington D.C. during cherry blossom season. I do hope the trees will be in bloom and that it won’t be too cold — watch this space, shenanigans (mostly that of the food orgy variety) are sure to come. I have some fun plans and some pants with an elastic waistband at the ready. Yeah, it’s gonna be good! If you have any cool D.C. recommendations, please share. I’m still working on my itinerary.

To offset all this eating I have planned in my future, I’m getting a Fitbit. I actually live an extremely sedentary lifestyle, and I want that to change. I already downloaded the Fitbit app to my iPhone, and though I’ve only had it a week, I am feeling pretty motivated by the whole thing.  I can’t wait to get my wristband thingy in the mail. Today I actually walked over 17,000 steps. I was very pleased with myself. I already conjured up this mental vision of the super slim supermodel I’m going to become. But if this weekend was anything to go by, you would be right to be somewhat dubious. I discovered a super fun restaurant in the most unlikely of places, a strip mall. The food is amazingly fresh and inventive, and very representative of what I’d consider to be Florida cuisine at it’s finest. The place is called Little Moir’s Food Shack. I loved sitting at the bar area, facing the open kitchen were I could watch all the goodies being prepared. OMG, I can’t wait to go back.

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I couldn’t pass up photographic the windows, completely covered in stickers. The place has a very unusual sort of hipstery charm.

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Fried oysters on a bed of greens

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Coconut crusted fish: this was freakishly spectacular. It wasn’t any crappy desiccated coconut either. This was made with fresh shreds of coconut meat. My belly is going to have naughty sex dreams about it.
That’s pretty much it. I do have a wonderful new development unfolding in my life right now. Although  it’s quite uncharacteristic of me, I’m going to keep it to myself for the time being. Right now it feels like a special little secret, and for now I think I’d like to keep it that way.

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“Be Brave” by Tracy Emin

Life has been quiet, but good. After Birdy I decided I’d give up on dating for the moment. I am trying to teach myself to be happy on my own, and I think I’m doing a really decent job. I definitely need a time out from men and the roller coaster of feelings that they seem to be accompanied by. I know a good reason that I have sought love with such desperate fervor in the past was about escapism (watch this video on YouTube, it says it all). It’s time to deal with myself. I’m keeping myself in good spirits all on my own these days (well… most days), and some nice little things have been happening along the way.

  • I  had an evaluation at work. I did well, and even ended up with a teeny tiny raise! I was not expecting that at all. I am growing ever more confident in my job, despite the craziness.
  • Two men called me beautiful. What can I say? It always feels good to get a compliment, even if I’m not interested in dating. Back when I was married I lived quite an isolated life. I never got male attention, so I am still finding it to be a fun novelty.
  • I’m dealing with far fewer negative emotions. For the most part, I am  happy and peaceful. That’s saying a lot actually. I listen to happy music. I read happy books. I do my best to fill my head with good thoughts. I sit in the sun (with SPF on of course). I treat myself kindly. I am on a constant mission to fill my cup with good things. I think at some point I really got depleted… but that is turning around.

I have one main goal, despite my various New Years resolutions: being happy and at peace.  Nevertheless, I am working on that resolution stuff too. As of February 1st I have begun my Diet Coke detox. I’m not going cold turkey, I’m phasing it out. It’s only been a few days, but it has been much easier than I thought. I haven’t gotten any withdrawal headaches like I’ve gotten during previous attempts. I’m trading in my daily bottle for two cups of hot lemon water on Monday-Friday. I will still indulge on the weekend, and then next month I’ll tighten that up some more. Let’s see how it goes. I love feeling like I’m getting all the nasty chemicals out of my system. I also love not being on birth control anymore. My skin is starting to look so much better, and I don’t have any wired stuff going on with my period anymore. I’m just as I should be.

I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that I don’t sometimes jump when I get a text message, hoping that Birdy realized he made a mistake, that I’m a pretty awesome woman after all. No, I haven’t gotten a text like that. Instead I see my iPhone’s wall paper with a message I left for my own self. It say “be brave.” 

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It’s flattering, but no.

It’s been a long week. Work was tough, and it seems like all my cases were on the complicated side. Often I’ve been going home with terrible neck aches (from stress). Despite this, I actually really like my job. The end of the month is pretty manic at my office. That’s just the way it is. 

Surprisingly, it was an awesome week in terms of men– I don’t get to say that too often. Yesterday I was asked for my number by some random guy in the parking lot (of course I did not give it to him). I also heard from this guy I once went out with asking me to go to Cancun with him for New Years… at the Ritz no less!!! I’m totally not interested though. As wickedly glamorous as it sounds, I had to decline. There is a reason things didn’t work out with him. Although he has some amazing qualities, I have never before met anyone that gave off so much negative energy. At times he is downright cruel. After a day with him I always felt upset and burnt out.  Alas, the Ritz will have to wait. C’est la vie, no? Then, one of my customers seemed to have a bit of a crush on me. It is all incredibly flattering, but I really only have eyes for Birdy. 

I’ve been seeing Birdy for a year now. He still has never made any romantic declarations toward me. This has left me kind of down and frustrated in the past.  I’m not sure if that’s just because that’s how he is, or if it’s because I don’t inspire romantic feelings in him. Either way, I’ve learned to be okay with the way things are. I’ve learned to just enjoy his company and the fun times we have together without strings attached. I’ve learned that I can love someone without condition. This is something very new for me. Of course it would be the most wonderful thing in the world to have my feelings returned, but if he doesn’t, I know I’ll be okay anyway. Time has taught me that I can survive any man. I’m just enjoying the journey now, rather than focusing on the destination. Despite what I have just written, however, there has most definitely been some amazing progress recently.

I was not expecting that he would invite me to spend Thanksgiving with him and his parents. This was my first time meeting them. They didn’t speak much English, but I think I did okay. We managed. Birdy’s mom has a really sparkly personality, I loved her. His dad is a bit on the stern side, but it was all good I think. It ended up being a really lovely evening. Birdy’s mom made tons of food. I over ate (shocker eh?), and I discovered the deliciousness that is black beans and rice.

The following weekend, Fidel Castro died. Birdy and I went to Little Havana in Miami… it was quite the scene my lovelies, proper National Geographic material. It was loud and crowded. People were banging pots and pans, honking horns, waving flags. Crazy stuff, but it was lots of fun. It was there that I met even more of Birdy’s family. Did they like me? I couldn’t figure that out. What matters is that I feel like Birdy is making the effort to incorporate me into his life, and that means so much to me.

That weekend Birdy and I went to the beautiful Biltmore Hotel where we saw a great show called An Act of God. It was wonderful and wity. Birdy seemed to enjoy it, and when he is happy, I feel it too. I find his happiness contagious.  I really hope to go back to the Biltmore one day, it is absolutely stunning with some incredible architectural details.  It’s got old school European glamour with a sunny Mediterranean twist. I’d love to go for brunch. Any takers?!? Crazy Kat daaaaahling, my beady little eyes are looking right in your direction!  *cough*

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Gargoyle inside of the Biltmore Hotel, Miami Florida

I haven’t been this popular in a while. I can’t say I haven’t enjoyed the attention. This isn’t how it normally works for me, but I’m not complaining.    The truth is, a woman can have every man’s attention in the world, but unless it’s the attention of the man she loves, it doesn’t mean much. I keep hope. One day lighting is going to strike for me. I feel it.

So things are going well. So far I am managing to keep my head above water at work. No major faux pas or anything, but I have been kind of busy. I’ve neglected my blog a bit. Today is an excellent day to remedy that as my company decided to close our office for today. Here in South Florida we are bracing ourselves for Hurricane Matthew.  According to the news, you’d think the apocalypse was coming. The state is in panic mode. There are lines at the gas stations that spill out onto the streets, and all of our supermarkets are emptied of supplies. Whatevaaa. I am so not bothered. I know I should care… but… nope… I say let’s break out our finest tea and cookies. If we are gonna die, let’s go pinkies up bitches LOL.

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… cause I’m a classy mutha fucka!

As the wind howls and the rain pelts the windows,  I’m going to enjoy my precious time off by reading, bubble bathing, and listening to some kick ass music. Yeah, fuck the hurricane. I got some luxuriating to do.

Instead of all that impending doom I should be obsessing about, today I’m going to write about something that I’ve been thinking of a lot lately: the challenge of not becoming jaded and bitter from your experiences. As you get older and you go through your share of shit, it can really be a struggle not to let your heart freeze over. In fact, I know some people who seem to actually want their hearts to go cold, because sometimes feeling just hurts too much. They want to become impenetreable. Not me.

I want to stay trusting. I want my heart to stay open to love and unlimited possibility, because when you take that stuff out of the equation, it kind of sucks out all the joy from life– well, that’s just my opinion. You can never really love if you are not able to trust or take the chance of being hurt. Those are just the rules of the game dollies.

You know what my secrets weapon is? It’s the knowledge that when the person who I loved more than anyone else broke my heart, and I thought my life was truly over, somehow I managed to survive. Check it out: here I am, all living and shit. I have outlasted my darkest winter, and I know I’m going to be okay. That is power my lovelies.

And then there was this song…

I want to preface this song by saying that growing up I loved to read and be read to. My favorite fairy tale was Hans Christian Andersen’s “The Snow Queen.” In this story, a little boy’s is innocence is taken from him when a splinter from an enchanted mirror gets in his eye. When the story ends, he sheds a tear and the splinter is dislodged. He is able to love again. He remembers who he is. The following song had a similar effect on me. Maybe you will find it silly or overly sentimental. I thought it was magic. I felt little crusts of jaded feelings release from my heart. It felt freeing. It reminded me who I am: someone who was put on this earth to give and recieve love. It was a transformative moment.

In my own little fairy tale, the little princess grew up to become a queen. And despite it all, she still believes in happy endings.

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It was my first week of work (again) at my new job. I guess it’s going pretty well. Sometimes it can be hard to tell. The first day was really nothing like what I thought it would be. Instead of the standard one day of introduction where they tell you how great the company is and go through benefits, we only had about an hour’s worth of discussion with our trainers, and then we were shown to our desk. We were issued booklets to study for something called a 6-20 (Company Adjuster) insurance license. It is dry as fuck, and filled with a bunch of gobbledygook. Nevertheless, I have a licensing test next week, and I desperately want to pass it.

It was also during my first day that I was struck by a mini panic attack. This consisted of me crying in a rather putrid Wendy’s bathroom during my lunch break. I was overwhelmed. I often have these moments where I really doubt myself and my abilities. The truth is, there is only one job I ever felt that I truly excelled at: being a housewife. Now life is about creating something new for myself, something that involves a paycheck. It has been a struggle. Since returning to the US two years ago, this is my 4th job. I am desperate to make a success of this one. The thing is, I have fears. Can I handle it? Am I smart enough? Being fired from job #2 really dented my confidence. Three out of five days this week I went home with a stress headache, but today I’m feeling pretty good… yeah, I got this Martha Falker nailed.

Yes, I have fears aplenty. At first I had planned to write all about them, but I changed my mind. Instead of writing a sonnet to my worries, I am going to tell you the good stuff.

  •  The supply closet is stocked full of goodies… and it is left unlocked. Obviously they do not know me and my love of free stuff.
  •  Nobody pays attention to when you take a break or notices how long you are gone for. Maybe it’s going to bite me in the ass later, but I’m having fun with it while I can. I have never been given this much freedom before, and I like it. I like it a lot.
  •  The people here are lovely. They are easy to chat to, and I am making the effort to be sociable. When I was a housewife, I could go for days without speaking to another soul. I suffered with severe isolation. Now my life is the opposite. Though I still have to push myself, I find interacting with others to be extremely rewarding, and it has done marvels for my self-esteem.
  • As of today, and for the first time since I’ve been back in the US, I have medical insurance. I hate spending money for the sole purpose of waiting for a catastrophe to happen, but in this country, it is a necessity. I enrolled today, and I’m feeling very adult about the whole thing.
  •  And now my lovelies, I am going to tell you the best part: we have two weeks of training in Arizona. I am so super excited about that! If you read my blog regularly, you will know that there are few things I love more than an adventure. Watch this space … if you know me at all, there is going to be a food orgy of epic proportions!
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For once, wouldn’t it be cool if I had an orgy of eligible bachelors? Why does it always have to be food? Damn my thunder thighs!

Let the weekend commence!