Well daaaahlings, it’s that time of year again… goodie time! Yeah I know, it’s supposed to be all about love and family and all that good stuff, but come on, show me someone who doesn’t like a nice present once in a while. Wether you celebrate any of the season’s holidays or not, we all deserve to treat ourselves well. Nobody should ever have to justify buying themselves or a loved one something special, even if it’s a little over the top. Life is too short. If something can make you happy, and you can afford it, what are you waiting for? I mean, it’s not like we take our money into the grave with us, right?

So, obviously you are just dying to know what is on my list. I thought I’d make it easy for you. Here is my holiday wish list for 2014.

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1. The thing I want most in the world is something that can’t be bought (if only it were that easy). I want a man who is worthy of me. I want him to love me without measure. I want him to be educated, intelligent, generous and kind. I sometimes wonder if he is out there. My heart tells me that God didn’t bring me this far only to leave me without the thing I want the most. Despite what I’ve been through, I still hold myself in high regard, I know my worth, and I’m not going to run after the first man who crosses my path. I know what I want, and I won’t settle for anything less, not ever.

Go big or go home, I need the 15 inches. I'm tired of little weenies (aka Dr ManWhore).
Go big or go home, I need the 15 inches. I don’t like  little weenies (Dr ManWhore’s penis was proof of that).

2. …but if I can’t have a man, I’d like an Apple MacBook Pro LOL. I miss my lovely iMac. I left it behind when I left England. Normally I love a nice big desk top computer, but my life is transient at the moment. I may end up moving around a bit until I can get settled, so I think a laptop would better suit my lifestyle right now. I want the 15 inch one. When it comes to screen size, size definitely matters.

Mmmm... I just want to lick it!
Mmmm… I just want to lick it!

3. Let’s also throw in something that has been on my gift list for several years now: a Parentesi cocktail ring with green quartz and pavé diamonds by Bvlgari. According to D.H. Lawrence, “A woman unsatisfied must have luxuries, but a woman who loves a man would sleep on a board.” From this quote, you may be able to infer why I feel like I need a big F’ing gobstopper like this one. Vulgar? Perhaps. Fabulous? Abso-freaking-lutely.

As you can see, I don’t ask for much ;). You have seven shopping days to make my wishes come true. I hope you signed up for overtime!

So, what is on your list this year? Whatever it is, I wish you all the joys in the world. Holiday kisses to all of you!

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Moi? Bitter? Maybe a little.

I am not loving men at the moment. What strange creatures they seem to me, almost alien. Why do I want one so bad when all they seem to do is hurt me? Well, I know the answer: I just want to be loved, to love some one, and to be high on that feeling of being in love. I’ve never really experimented with drugs, but can it really compare to how you feel when you are in love? Oh how I want to experience those feelings again… but… WTF is wrong with the men that are out there? For F’s sake, the pickings of good men are slim. So today is really just a shit list going out to all they guys out there, cause seriously, you guys kinda suck! I may have to consider becoming a lesbian.

"All right you little  shi*t, time to go back into your cage!"
“All right you little shi*t, time to go back into your cage!”
I think I'm going to just stick to romance novels. Guys in books are way better.
I think I’m going to just stick to romance novels. Guys in books are way better.
Yeah, I'm totally going to have to save myself.
Yeah, I’m totally going to have to save myself.

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Prince Charming my ass LOL
Prince Charming my ass LOL
God, I hate it when guys do that!!! Totally pisses me off.
God, I hate it when guys do that!!! Totally pisses me off.
LOL!
LOL!

Take it from me, this is the truth :(
Take it from me, this is the truth 😦

Thanksgiving Day… well, it was a day off from work. That’s a good thing. I stuffed myself silly–I was looking forward to that after so many days of calorie counting. I actually started eating from the second I woke up. Unfortunately, when you feel this empty on the inside, no food will fill you. Despite all the lovely things I carefully put aside to eat today, I did not enjoy a single bite. There was a time when food used to be my greatest pleasure, but my old hobbies provide very little comfort these days. Not food, not art, not shopping… it’s all kind of pointless now. I try so hard to be upbeat on my blog, but I have good days and bad days, and today is one of the bad ones. All I can think of is how lonely I feel. I am obsessing over the fact that the people who I loved and have hurt me are doing just fine without me. They go on with their life, enjoy new loves, and live well, while I am forgotten. It’s like I may as well not even exist. All the beautiful poetry, vows and declarations of love… they meant nothing. I meant nothing.

After our Thanksgiving meal (during which I cried all the way through, but nobody noticed), I went to have a shower where I could cry some more, without anyone having to hear how much pain I’m feeling. Under the water, I sobbed. I cried for the man I loved, who could not love me back. I cried for the woman I am, who was so naive, thinking that words actually meant something. I cry for the feeling of hopelessness that just seems to take over sometimes.

We didn’t have a turkey this year, but we didn’t need one, because I am the biggest turkey of them all.

Let's get into the Thanksgiving spirit, shall we? Grab yourself a turkey leg. Do it like a boss!
Let’s get into the Thanksgiving spirit, shall we? Grab yourself a turkey leg. Do it like a boss!

Of all the holidays I missed most while I lived in the UK, it was most definitely Thanksgiving. In all honesty, it wasn’t about the sitting around the table with my loved ones and giving thanks, it was about the unabashed food orgy. I’m always down with that! Well, this year, I find myself back in the USA, and I will indeed be with my family, and I am also totally going to be wearing some elasticated stretch pants (I can afford to now, I’ve lost a good amount of weight on the “grief diet”) but, for the first time I’m also going to give thanks. I have a lot to be thankful for this year, despite all the craziness.

Ha, at least they are not asking me why I'm single.
I’m single, but I’m not alone.

1. Friends: The best thing that came out of this year is some wonderful friendships. It’s strange because, I have had very few friends in my life. From the time I was 17, until quite recently, I have always had a man in my life. I made them the center of my world, and nobody else mattered. Friendships were not to important to me, I could take them or leave them. I was stupid. Today, there is no man in my life, but I have more friends now than I have ever had before. Not just acquaintances, but people that I genuinely care for, and they care for me in return. It is a new experience, and a good one… but if God is reading this, I’d also like a man LOL.

Yay.... I love being warm and toasty!
Yay…. I love being warm and toasty!

2. Being back in America: Okay, well if I’m completely honest, this wasn’t what I wanted at all… but this is what I got, and it’s not so bad. First of all, I truly believe that the people here are the friendliest around. They smile at you, and they say hello. People here talk to strangers. Trust me, this does not happen in the UK. I like it. Being in Florida is also awesome because of the warmth and the sunshine. If I were in England right now, during this time of year, my nose would be running, I’d have dry skin and eyes from the heaters, and I’d be wearing my coat in the house. Winter in the UK was a perpetual state of discomfort for me, I never got used to it. Plus, the daylight hours are very short. Sometimes nightfall starts around 3:30. I totally don’t miss that.

I'd make for a very curious super hero, but ever so slowly, I am saving myself.
I’d make for a very curious super hero, but ever so slowly, I am saving myself.

3. And speaking of warmth, there’s something else I’m thankful for: after many, many years, I feel a fire burning inside of me again. Sometimes it’s and angry fire, a fire that burns out of rage. Sometimes it’s a fire of survival: a fire that burns because I know that I’m on on my own now, and I’ve got to fight to do this on my own. This fire is something I thought was totally extinguished. It happened shortly after I got married. For so many years I used to sit back and just let my husband deal with the hard things. Now I don’t have that choice anymore. I am learning that I actually can do it on my own, and I am so f’ing proud of myself that I am getting back on my feet.  It’s been a dark year, but they say fire burns brighter in the darkness. Some women are lost in the fire, and some women are built from it. Well, I’m not sure which one I am, but I can tell you that I’m toasting marshmallows LOL.

So, this Thanksgiving, what are you thankful for? Wishing you and your loved ones a very happy holiday.

I’ve been feeling a little rough. It’s a little hard to explain, but I feel like my life has no joy in it anymore. Nothing horrible and dramatic has happened recently, I am just deeply unhappy. It’s not 100% of the time, but it is most of the time. The things which once gave me pleasure don’t seem to interest me much anymore. Last night I went to bed at 7:30 and I slept for 12 hours. It wasn’t because I was super tired. It was because I was feeling sad. I cry often and easily. I want to believe that there is something left for me. I want to feel that this is just a rough patch, and maybe one day I will wake up and feel good again. Right now I’m having a hard time understanding how something better is going to manifest itself, but I read somewhere that it’s not our job to figure out the “how,” that that is better left to God.

On that note, rather than wallow in my feelings, I wanted to focus on the good stuff. Several months ago I read the book called The Secret. Although I do not necessarily believe in all of the concepts presented there, the one message I took away from it is the importance of gratitude. I really believe it has a very transformative power. So today I want to focus on a few things that make me happy while I’m not at my best (from the trivial to the significant).

1. Random acts of kindness: I love to be reminded that people are generally good. It gives me hope.

2. The chocolate dipped coconut macaroons at Godiva. I always end up eating the whole four pack in one day. I have no self control LOL. What can I say? Sometimes a girl needs to treat herself.

Try them, trust me on this one.
Try them, trust me on this one.

3. Books: When I was in college I used to love reading the vampire series by Anne Rice. Recently, she just wrote a new book, Prince Lestat, bringing all my favorite characters back to me. It’s like catching up with old friends (glamorous, blood sucking friends LOL). Sitting on the porch, on a sunny day, reading about what they are up to now… it’s nothing short of lovely.

Bite me Stuart Townsend LOL (he was devinely sexy as Lestat in the movie Queen of the Damned).
Bite me Stuart Townsend LOL (he was divinely sexy as Lestat in the movie Queen of the Damned).

4. My dear friend T: I have known her since we were both three years old. We were in nursery school together.  Although we live far apart, and we only talk a couple of times a week, she is nothing short of a sister to me. This week, she told me she loved me. Except for my mother and my grandmother, no other woman has ever told me they loved me before. I told her I loved her too. Isn’t it wonderful when sometimes someone tells you exactly what you need to hear? When she said those words to me, for the briefest moment, I could feel my heart open like the petals of a flower.

I saw this video on YouTube that kind of expresses how amazing it is to let someone you love know what they mean to you (for the both of you).

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5. Surviving: Despite it all, even with this broken heart, I wake up in the morning. I put one foot in front of the other. I’m living and sh*t.  I’m still here. I’m not going to let some ass wipe keep me on me knees.

I'm not there yet, but I promise myself that I will be. What other choice is there.
I’m not there yet, but I promise myself that I will be. What other choice is there?

I am amazed the way this works for me. I really do feel better when I write down what I’m grateful for. What makes you feel grateful?

Smile at a stranger, and you just might change a life :)
Smile at a stranger, and you just might change a life 🙂

Today’s post is inspired by a lovely lady whose name I don’t know. A  couple of weeks ago I was in a car accident. It really shook me. I wasn’t hurt physically, but it left me feeling deeply upset and unsettled. I got into work a half hour late. I explained to my supervisor what happened, and to my horror, I just started crying. Sometimes life is just too much, everything seems to come at you all at once, and you just kind of loose it. Something happens that just tips you over the edge.

My supervisor walked me to the ladies room to wash my face and catch my breath. It was there that somebody I never met before said a few kind words to me, and even gave me a hug. Maybe that might not seem like a huge deal, but at that moment, she was my angel. She told me the words I needed to hear so desperately. Here was a stranger who offered me more kindness in those few minutes, than someone I have known for years. She is someone I am pretty sure I will never forget for as long as I live. I doubt I’ll ever see her again, but I know I will remember her and how she made me feel.

Recently another stranger and I reached out to each other on First Wive’s World. We are both going through the pain of divorce and we constantly check in on each other and share our feelings throughout the day via text. It is so lovely. It was like we saw ourselves in each other and offered our hand, even though we had so little to give.  It makes me feel just a teeny bit less alone to know that I have a friend who is walking down the same path as me. It’s like a tiny little light in the darkness.

Isn’t it interesting that we all start out as strangers? Isn’t it amazing that there are people out there who we have yet to meet that will change the course of our life? And best of all, aren’t the possibilities full of hope and promise? When things are really bad, I sometimes need to remind myself that today might be the day that my world changes. Yes, there are some scary people out there, but mostly, I think there world is full of some really kind and  wonderful people. I like to wake up and think that today I might meet that stranger that changes my life.

Dita, probably the most glamorous woman alive today.
Dita, probably the most glamorous woman alive today.

One woman that I really admire is Dita Von Teese. She is sexy without being trashy, her appearance is immaculate, and though she has been through her share of drama, she always gives the appearance of complete composure. Moi needs to adopt a bit of that into my own life.

Here is a great video where Dita talks about keeping your dignity (among other stuff), which I have watched several times.

You know I always thought when you loved somebody you were supposed to lower your wings of humility. You should, but I’ve learned that there is a point where you can lower them so much, that you loose your self respect, and you start to feel worthless. You would hope that the person you loved would not allow you to get to that point, but the thing is, they may not return your feelings for them with equal affection. You have to set boundaries. Your boundaries are like your dignity, and you can not relinquish them without loosing yourself. I have learned to never be so desperate to holding on to someone that you loose yourself in the process.

I’m going to be honest here, I no longer recognize my value. My soon to be ex destroyed it, and if there was any bit of it left, I lost it to the man I fell in love with after him. I am so quick to cheapen myself because I want to be loved so desperately. This is something that I guess I’m going to need to work on. I know I am a decent human being. I am loving and kind (and I have pretty hair LOL). Someday a man might look upon me and recognize me as the love of his life… but not if I don’t recognize it first.

And here are some gratuitous pictures of Dita because I think she is awesome! I hope one day I get to see one of her burlesque shows. Dita daaahling, if you are reading this, hook me up *kisses*

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I’ve had a tough week. Thank god it’s Friday. My soon to be ex husband (aka Dr Man-whore) is trying to go back on his financial agreement. My only recourse is to fight him, and that means more lawyer fees. I am scared to death that when this is all over I won’t be left with anything. How am I going to rebuild when all this is over if there is nothing left to rebuild with? It is dire.

Thursday I was involved in a car accident, which was really scary and freaked the sh*t out of me. My back hurts a little, but my sister (who was driving) and I are okay. Her car is really messed up though. I am upset for her. She loves her car. Her accident would never have happened if she wasn’t helping to drop me off. I feel responsible.

On top of that I’m trying to cope with breaking up with my Napoleon. I loved that man. He says we will stay best friends; but oh how my heart hurts. Not a day goes by that I don’t cry for him like some silly teenager. Every day I send him a million texts, begging him to reconsider. I am embarrassing myself. The rejection is crushing. I genuinely thought he was my forever. I guess I was wrong. Having to close that door on all of the wonderful dreams I had for us hurts my heart more than you can imagine.

I have a hard time keeping it together (I am often found crying my eyes out in the bathroom), but somehow I must.  It’s just me against the world now. I need to brush my depression aside. These feelings of grief and abandonment need to be swept under the carpet for now so that I can muster enough of my wits to save myself.

Music is helping. I downloaded some really kick ass songs that I listen to when I feel tearful or I’m about to embarrass myself by turning to someone who doesn’t want to hear from me. I am learning to turn my hurt into anger. It feels better than feeling sad. It feels more powerful. I need to find that strength that’s buried down somewhere so deep and forgotten. I know it exists because I remember seeing it so many years ago. I’m tired of being depressed. I don’t want to spend my life as a victim.

On that note, it’s Friday. F everyone. F all the tears and the sleepless nights. I want to get happy. I need a laugh. Maybe you do too.

Let’s get excited daaaahlings! It’s Friday after all.

Let's get this party started!
Let’s get this party started!
Well, I wouldn't say "surrounded," but I do have my mother and some very dear friends who have really been there for me. It is awesome to have your very own team of loved ones who you know are rooting for you.
Today I want to celebrate all the awesome people who are rooting for me. I am blessed to have such dear sweet friends and family to turn to during difficult times. They make me so thankful. *Smoochies*
Speaking of my friends, there are those fabulous strangers that read my blog and encouragement! Yeah, I mean you! Grab yourself a super fatty snack daaahling, the calories are on me today :).
Speaking of my friends, there are those fabulous strangers that read my blog and leave me words encouragement! Yeah, I mean you! Grab yourself a super fatty snack daaahling, the calories are on me today :).
I am the center of my own universe, and nothing matters more than me. I can be as selfish as I want to be. My ex always said I was good at that, but now I'm going to excel even further!!!
I am the center of my own universe, and nothing matters more than me. Now that I’m all on my own, I can be as selfish as I want to be. My ex always said I was good at that, but now I’m going strive for excellence! Yay me!!!
For so many years, I was in my husband's shadow. I forgot that I was important too, that I was also capeable of great things. Okay, so I have yet to discover what those things are LOL, but this time, when I do shine, it will be a light of my own making.
For so many years, I was in my husband’s shadow. I forgot that I was important too, that I was also capeable of great things. Okay, so I have yet to discover what those things are LOL, but this time, when I do shine, it will be a light of my own making. That’s pretty freaking cool!
I don't actually plan for my life to be one big pity part. I have every intention picking myself up and putting back the pieces to become a Caroline that is even more amazing than I used to be.
Life is not going to end up as one giant pity part… Hell no!!! I have every intention picking myself up and putting back the pieces to construct a Caroline that is even more magnificent than I the one I was.
One day I'd like to be able to say that I don't need a man to complete me. It's been a long time since I had that kind of confidence in myself, and I can't wait for it to come back.
One day I’d like to be able to say that I don’t need a man to complete me. It’s been a long time since I had that kind of confidence in myself, and I can’t wait for it to come back.
And so my lovelies, today I ask you to remind yourself why you are special (because I know you are).
And so my lovelies, today I ask you to remind yourself why you are special (because I know you are). Where were you this time last year? I bet you have accomplished something worth being proud of. Remind yourself.

I hope you guys are laughing a bit, or at least maybe have a teeny smile on your face. Yes, I have the oddest sense of humor of probably any blogger you’re going to come across, but that’s what makes me Caroline. Have a wonderful weekend and allow yourself to smile at the preposterous.It starts with the little things.

 

I’m dating myself because … well, because I’m alone. It has been a long time since I was without a man. To be honest, I don’t like the way it feels. I have some girlfriends, but it’s not the same thing. I wish I could say that between them, and enjoying my own company, that I feel fulfilled. I don’t, far from it. I’m not going to pretend, because maybe somewhere out there is a woman just like me, going through something similar, and maybe she needs to feel like someone else feels the same way. I have learned that knowing that you are not some kind of alien that nobody can relate to is a really big deal.

Though I don’t love how I feel, I want to relearn to be okay just by myself. I wanted to share this video, because I thought it was super awesome, and kind of inspiring. It was one of the few things I found that made me feel like being alone isn’t the most awful thing in the world. Maybe I can learn something from it, or at least, that is my hope:

Some other good things about being alone…

You have nobody to answer to.
You have nobody to answer to.
There is a power in discovering that you can do things for yourself (I'm not there yet, but I hope to be one day).
There is a power in discovering that you can do things for yourself  and by yourself (I’m not there yet, but it will come).
You don’t have to feel guilty about being the most important thing in your life.
You don’t have to feel guilty about being the most important thing in your life. Being selfish is oodles of fun.

It’s time for me to love myself. I guess it’s not something I’m very good at. Do I like myself? Yes, most definitely. Do I think I’m a great person with a loving heart and much to offer? Absolutely. Do I love myself? Well… I don’t know. It’s something I guess I’m going to have to work on.

What do you do when you are feeling low? I am sure we all have days where we just feel defeated by life. One thing I really like is collecting empowering quotes on Pinterest that I can look at when I need some encouragement.

The last day that I ever saw my husband was in court. I say “saw” but I didn’t actually see him. I was so angry, hurt and repulsed by his presence that all I could force myself to look at was a little piece of his elbow. I was on the verge of tears the whole time, desperate not to break down. There was one thing that helped me keep my composure, and those were the words of inspiration I had collected. From time to time I’d glance at my Pinterest app on my phone. I’d focus on the little messages of hope and encouragement, and somehow, I got through it. Today I thought I’d share some of those words with you, and I hope they give you a little boost when you need one.

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This one, I actually made the as the lock screen on my phone.
This one, I actually made the as the lock screen on my phone.

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Ernest Hemingway
Ernest Hemingway

regret

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My favorite one of all is this poem by Maya Angelou. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve read it, and what a source of inspiration it has been for me.

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Do you have any favorite quotes that make you feel strong? I’d love to hear them.