So I have a confession to make. I slipped. After about 4 months of no contact with Birdy, I texted him. You guys know, despite the things I’ve written, that he will always have a place in my heart. Like it or not. It’s just fact. I don’t want to love him. Not after the way he has treated me (or more correctly, his lack of treatment altogether). But if you read my blog, you know that I do love him.  My heart and my brain argue constantly on this subject. I got a little triggered. It was that sappy 80’s music, but there I was in the mall, spending ungodly amounts of money on things I don’t need, when the emotions took hold. The Devil totally made me do it. Or Journey. Whatever. It totally lead me down the wrong path. Note to self on the 1980’s: bad hair, bad fashion choices, and bad for my decision making skills.

CoLnwiAWgAAXZlM.jpg

If only I was that special kind of human that can dismiss someone without thought … no, that will never be me. God, please grant me that superpower in my next life.

Yeah, so I sent a text via WhatsApp. And I waited. Then I waited some more. Inside I could feel a sickening mix of hope and anxiety. And then, after 7 hours, the two blue ticks appeared, indicating that he read my message.

IMG_3418.jpg

And I waited. And I waited some more. And then some more… and then some more. And can you guess that happened? Ha, yes! So right dollies… nothing happened. There was no reply. And then from the hours of 11 to 2 I cried.

In those hours I heard from Mr. Big. Remember him? He gave me some good and constructive advice. The same advice that everyone else gives me, the advice that only an outsider who is not emotionally invested is able to give. It did help me to feel better, I must admit. But it didn’t erase the feelings of embarrassment and hurt that had embedded themselves within my heart. I know I kind of deserved it. It was so stupid of me. What did I expect?

I know Birdy’s decision not to reply to me is one which I need to respect and honor. I will not pursue it. Anyway it’s too hard. His rejection leaves me feeling completely stripped of dignity. It was always that way when it came to him. I now understand why. And perhaps it is a Pandora’s Box best left locked. But you know it fucking hurt, don’t you? Rejection always hurts, but when it’s from someone you love… it’s the bitterest, ugliest pill there is.

I know I have to take this rejection and transform it into something constructive. That’s the plan anyway. Watch this space. Next stop, NY.

It has been about two weeks into my Birthday Challenge. I haven’t logged into any dating websites. Tito is still around, but less so. Though he is still present as my friend, I can feel him backing off and not really wanting to see me as much as he used to. It’s okay. I place no blame on him for that, I guess it’s to be expected. He isn’t meant for me, and that is okay. Totally.  I still think he is a great guy. Just not my guy. When it’s right, I won’t have to convince someone to be with me, they will WANT to be there. Over the two weeks I’ve had a fews highs and lows. This time, there is no masking the lows with cute texts from a hot guy. I have to resort to other measures. One of my favourite ways to get happy has always been to count my blessings and remember the things I love. So I guess now is as good a time as any for my next 100 Things I Love post.

  1. Strangers who become friends
  2. Little Moir’s Food Shack in Jupiter, Florida.Screen Shot 2017-09-03 at 11.02.37 AM
  3. Getting to see Dita Von Teese’s Art of the Tease in Miami, that was a bucket list thing for me.
  4. The supply closet at work. I do like to help myself LOL.
  5. Making someone’s day a little better
  6. Birkenstocks: I know lots of people find them to be quite hideous (especially men), but I have to say that I completely adore mine.
  7. Sneaking out of work a few minutes early … sometimes more than a than a few
  8. Diet Coke. I kicked my nasty habit and now I’ve returned to it. *sigh*
  9. Hanging out with the girls
  10. Having the friendship I now have with my ex husband. It means so much to me, more than I’m really capable of expressing. It’s a balm to my soul.Screen Shot 2018-04-14 at 2.17.16 PM
  11. Original glazed Krispy Kreme donuts when they are fresh and still warm. It’s like eating a sugar cloud(s) of love! (Come on guys, you know I don’t stop at one LOL)
  12. Taking walks
  13. Nachos, fully loaded please. Lots of guacamole and sour cream!
  14. Dresses that make me feel pretty and look thin. I’m partial to maxi dresses that allow me to eat lots but still look good. It’s kind of like a fashionable moo moo. Well you know, what do you expect after a mountain of nachos?
  15. “Ah-ha” moments
  16. Scarface
  17. Feeling wantedff94fdba65d5cc1ec1fbda3972a7151f
  18. My femininity
  19. Fresh pineapple when it’s sweet and juicy. Which other fruit comes with it’s own crown?
  20. Being still. I don’t mean not moving, I mean not feeling the need to act or react. Instead, making the choice to just “be.” I am far from an expert at this, but it’s something I’m working on. This works so well for me when I’m successful at it.
  21. An open heart and an open mind. Such a beautiful combination.
  22. That I finally have a car
  23. When I earn a Fitbit badge
  24. Crispy fish fingers with tartar sauce and lemon
  25. Full, soft lips4748dc1ca0526371fe6a7b07a656c627
  26. When I guy I like tells me I’m beautiful
  27. Not having to shave my legs when I’m single (or anything else, for that matter)
  28. Discovering a cool new song on YouTube … the more obscure the artist, the happier it makes me.
  29. Groupon. So okay it twists my arm to spend more money than I should, but I do love an amazing bargain.toast
  30. R1 Coffee for the most delectable avocado toast.
  31. Books & Books in Coral Gables, probably Florida’s coolest bookstore.
  32. Patty Cake$ — a very cool movie that never made it into popularity, but surely deserved it.
  33. When I return stuff and I see the money going back onto my credit card. It’s ridiculously satisfying.
  34. Chocolate covered graham crackers
  35. When my eyebrows are perfectly groomed. I’m definitely an eyebrow person. I’m not into all the pencil work people do (it’s too fake for me), I just like a perfectly tweezed brow.
  36. Gwpaddict.com a very cool website that lets you know which skincare and makeup brands are giving away free goodies with purchase.
  37. Kerastase’s Oleo Relax … the best hair product for frizzy manes. It’s expensive, but it actually works. It also happens to have the most amazing scent.
  38. The smell of toasted raisin bread
  39. The times when I am able to handle my difficulties with grace.
  40. Men with muscular arms… so sexy. And if there also happen to be tattoos??? Well, I kinda die a little.
  41. Having my hair done at an upscale salon, and leaving feeling fancy AF.
  42. When someone lets me in front of them at the supermarket.
  43. My vulnerability. Even though it opens me up to hurt, it also leaves the door open to let the magic in.
  44. Feeling my own power. It doesn’t happen every day, but when I am able to tap into it, it’s positively exhilarating!Untitled copy
  45. Ashley Longshore, a New Orleans artist who makes me laugh out loud. I just adore her. Do follow her on Instagram.
  46. Le Tub in Hollywood, Florida. I love chilled the atmosphere, and the burger is freaking fine! It makes me feel like I’m on vacation.
  47. Going out of my comfort zone, it’s where the magic happens.
  48. Kissing
  49. The street art scene in Bushwick, Brooklyn. It was there that I discovered the most beautiful piece of street art I had ever come across.
  50. ABC Carpet and Home – expensive but filled with treasures. The place is positively dreamy. It’s like Anthropologie on steroids.
  51. Slumber parties
  52. Selfies that I actually look good in
  53. Stranger Things, a TV series I love on Netflix
  54. Being toasty warmdf82e3dec75b63c403e8891c325a2d47
  55. Pizza: a love triangle which I can totally get into.
  56. Raggedy Ann, I have loved her since I could remember.
  57. People who are honest and real.
  58. When someone buys me a food treat.
  59. Oysters … who would have guessed?
  60. Impromptu adventures
  61. Tying up loose ends
  62. Easy days at work
  63. Kind words
  64. Tatcha’s Koyoto red lipstick. I have been looking for my perfect red for the longest time. Apparently, this is a universal red that looks good on every woman.
  65. Knowing that I have everything I need and most of what I want.
  66. Reminders that someone you love, loves you too (I’m not just talking about romantic love).
  67. The Biltmore in Coral Gables. I felt blessed to be able to spend the night there when Krazy Cat came to visit me. AND I got to have afternoon tea.
  68. Romantic friendships and friendly romances. It’s something Gabrielle Bernstein discusses in her book, “Spirit Junkie.”
  69. Love bruises, I find them completely erotic. Is that odd?
  70. Going to the Standard Spa in Miami. Utter luxury. Awesome memories. A steam room and hamam that makes me feel like I’m in heaven.
  71. Generosity
  72. Dipping my feet in the water.
  73. Watching a great Bollywood epic
  74. Genuine smiles, the ones that start from the heart and make other people smile too.tracey-emin-be-brave-800x800
  75. Tracy Emin
  76. Living somewhere that doesn’t get winter.
  77. Feeling childish enough to be silly and let my inner dingbat roam free.
  78. Seeing the people I love laughing and smiling. It makes my heart feel light.
  79. Super shiny lip balm
  80. The family environment we have at work. It makes tough days a lot more manageable.240eb61701ee0c59d9e5a5bde8672653.jpg
  81. Romance
  82. Making my Fitbit goals for the day. These days it’s 20,000 steps.
  83. Stepping back. I am learning that not everything requires me to act or react. Sometimes the best thing to do is nothing. I’m slowly learning how to release control and allow the Universe to do her thing.
  84. Colored contact lenses, a fun but dramatic way to play with my looks.
  85. Hope4c62825d819c0dc36c468fa764aab7cb
  86. Jasmine tea
  87. Waking up like a tiger… “rawr”!!
  88. La Maison du Chocolate
  89. Keeiping a journal (aka recording the crazy)
  90. Bumble bees. They make honey, they fly, and they wear glamorous fur coats.
  91. Benetint by Benefit. I’ve been using this lip and cheek stain since it came out. It’s is completely weightless and looks so natural.
  92. When my BirchBox comes in the mail.
  93. Making amends, because life is way too short to hold grudges.
  94. Yayoi Kusama and her Infinity Mirrors
  95. The smugness I feel when my iPhone falls, and the screen shattered, but it’s only the glass screen protector. Caroline will not be thwarted.
  96. Lobster sushi from Sushi Yama
  97. Browsing through the books and magazines and Barnes & Noble in a comfy armchair (and their chocolate cupcakes slide into my belly quite nicely)
  98. New sneakers
  99. Seeing good things happen to people I love.
  100. That no matter how bad I sometimes feel, I have the courage to keep going. We are so much stronger than we ever give ourselves credit for.

IMG_2826.jpg

Tito’s rejection really threw me more than I cared to admit. To his credit, he was kind, and he did, in fact, continue our friendship, but boy was I down, fucking depressed actually. I still am. The truth is, It’s all my own fault. I can’t blame Tito for this. He has actually been incredibly decent, a true gentleman. In fact, the way that he handled the situation makes me like him even more (it would be easier to be mad at him and not like him anymore, but the fact is he is pretty awesome). The other night we were texting on WhatsApp and he made me realize that what I’m doing just isn’t working. What I need to do is take action. What I have concluded is that the best action, in the romance department, is no action at all. I tried. I tried so hard … too hard.

Goal: I want to be happy

Thought: My desire to be loved is making me miserable (dare I say to the point where I am no longer finding joy in life – it is truly that bad. I feel awful and hopeless, and I’m just wanting to give up … pretty much on everything). In the last few years I have been absolutely obsessed with the idea that I need to find someone to love and be loved by in return. The results have been absolutely catastrophic to my mental health. I know this. Love isn’t about fun anymore, it’s more about desperation, and I am so sick of being in despair. For fuck sake, I’ve become more of miserable goth now than I ever was in high school, and quite frankly, it feels like shit. Yeah black is sexy and slimming, but being depressed? So ovah!!!

Action: As we enter the new month of April, maybe this is as good a point as any to start something new. Maybe I’ll just give the whole dating deal a rest for now. The highs and lows I am experiencing from dating really aren’t doing me any good. I feel like crap. Too much of my heart and mind is being focused on wether or not someone loves me. Well, what if I cut that out? What if I just stopped trying? What if I give myself a break? What would happen?!?!?!

Action: I am going to revisit the Birthday Challenge. No more dating websites, no more reaching out to men for the purpose of filling this ugly hole in my heart. Though they make me feel better for a little while, the hole just seems to be made deeper once they leave. I think I have to start letting it heal the old fashioned way: with a little time and introspection.

Do you have any idea how much mental energy I give to finding a partner? Maybe you have some idea if you have been reading my blog on a regular basis, but truthfully, it doesn’t even scratch the surface. It’s time to give this a break. I want to see what else I can do with my energy. I want to see what other goals I can focus on.

Yes, I do want a partner, but I DO actually have other goals too. They just kind of got pushed to the side. It’s time to move those to the front and put the relationship stuff on the back burner, because quite frankly, it just isn’t fun anymore. These days it’s downright painful. Here is a list of what I’d like to accomplish as my birthday gift to myself:

  • A steady and upbeat mood
  • Physical well being, I’ve been letting myself go and have lost some of the hard earned progress I worked so hard for. I want to feel better about my appearance.
  • Pride in my work
  • Effort into my friendships
  • Caring about myself and how I feel above all others… aka learning to be selfish.

As a reward, not only do I expect to have accomplished much, but I think some fabulous vacation will be in order. Krazy Cat… you reading this girlie? Let’s plan something! Also I think I’m going to finally buy myself the laptop I’ve been wanting at the end of it. That would be kind of a cool birthday present.

Yeah, fuck boyfriends (for now).

IMG_2756You know what sucks? I mean majorly sucks? As soon as I get my hopes up about a guy, they get dashed. Tito and I? No. We are not going to be a “thing.” Just two days after telling you how excited I was about him, I have to take it all back. I feel a bit crushed as I really had feelings for him, but I know it’s not meant to be (it never is, is it?). Apparently we are going to stay friends. Normally I find that “friends” is a completely fake ass word. It doesn’t mean friends at all. It just another way of saying we agreed to part amicably. It means we will send a few texts back and forth and let our once amazing rapport fade into nothingness. Only time really will prove me right or wrong. I don’t have high hopes. Unfortunately this is far from my first rodeo now.

I am disappointed beyond measure, and I feel like a fool. Why do I attract such men? Birdy (who I might mention is a former Marine), didn’t even have the balls to break up with me like a man, and Tito? Well Tito can’t handle shit. So what happened? The guy does not know how to handle any emotion other than happiness. It’s just plain odd. I’ve seen this in other men to a lesser degree. I’ve  often come across men who prefer women to wear a mask of a perfectly smiling happy face.  Show them the fully fledged woman who is in touch with her emotions, however, and  they crumble. Tito has this to the extreme. Because I am a very expressive and emotional person, I have to accept that this just isn’t going to work out the way I had wished. He can’t handle me.

So yeah, it’s best the romance ends now. He isn’t what I need. Damn it, I really liked him. I shared my heart with him and some very deep personal feelings and secrets with him. I let things go too far to fast (and that part is totally my fault, not his). Still, I never seemed to get used to this shit, the rejection. Each time it happens a little piece of me dies inside. One more string of hope is irrevocably cut… and I wonder how much is left. I wonder how much longer I can keep doing this.

IMG_2766

Yes it’s been a long time since I wrote, sometimes I’m too busy living life to write about it (sometimes). For the most part life has been pretty good. Here are some of the things that have put a smile on my face since my last post:

My visit with Crazy Kat. About a month ago the lovely CK came to visit me from Portland. I had the best time. Sometimes you don’t realize how much you miss a person until they are around. CK is the best! She is one of my life’s greatest blessings, and a true friend. She is nothing short of a sister to me. I had the most wonderful time with her, chatting, going for walks around Miami, eating good food, and dipping our feet at the pool at the beautiful Biltmore Hotel. I also finally got to meet Blue Eyes. They guy is absolutely lovely.  I love seeing those two together. Despite their trials, the love they have between them is so obvious — it makes me feel inspired. Anyways, it was a wonderful few days. I hope I can convince them both to come visit more often, and I definitely need to get my fat ass over to Oregon.

Below are a few snaps from our time together:

IMG_2316
Crazy Kat and I spent hours, dipping out feet in this glorious pool. We chatted about everything and nothing.
IMG_2346.jpg
Where Vizcaya overlooks Biscayne Bay.
IMG_2320
My first afternoon tea since leaving the UK, inside the beautiful lobby of the Biltmore Hotel in Coral Gables.
IMG_2252
The world’s most incredible key lime pie at The Dutch, inside the W Hotel in South Beach, Miami.

Lobstah sushi: Okay,  so I never thought I’d ever like sushi. I never hated it, but I just could never get into it, and then Tito introduced me to the deliciousness known as lobster sushi. Now the stuff haunts my foodie fantasies. The one he got me was topped with spicy mayonnaise. Mmmm… spicy mayo. Someone at Chanel needs to invent Spicy Mayo No 5 so I can douse it all over me and attract me a man. Who, I ask, would be able to resist me then? I would be freaking unstoppable. They would be stopping on their tracks like a deer in headlights, confounded by my mysterious allure.

My ex. So I am no longer going to refer to my ex as Dr ManWhore anymore, because I don’t see him in that light these days. All is forgiven. Truly. Yeah he did some really bad stuff, but I’m so over it. I think I’m just going to call him Doctor P from this point forward. Recently I got upset over something, and the way that Doctor P patiently listened to me and gave me kind advice meant the world to me. I know he has my back, and genuinely wants my happiness. Who would have guessed that someone who hurt me so badly could be so dramatically redeemed? I love our friendship. I think we are so much better friends than we were husband and wife. Divorce has no winners, but in some strange sort of way I do feel like I won, because I got to keep what meant the most to me from our 18 year romance: a true friend.

Scarface: My favorite TV series ever was The Sopranos. So how I never saw Scarface is a bit of a mystery. I saw it yesterday for the first time. Freaking epic. That is going to go in my top 3 for best movies of all time. It makes me want to be all gangsta and shit. That Tony Montana was a badass mutha fuka. If he was alive I think I’d invite him to afternoon tea. We would drink lapsang souchong from bone china served with delicate cookies powdered in sugar and crack. At that point I  seduce him in a most unladylike fashion, him AND his super hot friend Manny. Manny was some absolutely smokin’ piece of man candy. Caroline gots the hunger for Cuban sandwich right about now *licks lips.* Oh dear, was that vulgar?

This is going to be my theme song for the next few weeks.

Tito. So who is this Tito guy I mentioned? He may not be Tony Montana, but Tito is kinda a badass mutha fuka too.  I don’t have secrets from you guys, but all will be revealed in time. I met him on Match. This thing started off slow, erupted into a bit of a bonfire, and then experienced quite a hiccup which made me feel somewhat unsettled, so I don’t want to say too much just yet. Maybe we will just end up being friends, but lawd, I am greedy. I want more. What I will reveal at the moment is that Tito is completely lovely. He is smart, kind, and I am attracted to him. We spend hours a day texting and talking. I adore his company. We share secrets and common interests (though our personalities are very different), and we have had a couple fun little adventures thus far. I definitely have feelings for him. Definitely. I think it’s mutual (most of the time), but that hiccup left me with some doubts. Well, one thing I do know is that the Universe has my back, so no matter what happens, I need to trust that life is unfolding in a way which will allow my greatest good. I need to be patient, to be still, to trust… and douse myself liberally in spicy mayo so that Tito is helpless to my charms.

Untitled
Valentine’s Day is about to rear its ugly face again. Please, pass me a Hallmark card. Don’t forget the envelope, that’s for the vomit, don’tcha know. I thought this year on my blog I’d do something different. I don’t want to waste space discussing my lamentable love life. Nah, old news. Instead today’s post is sort of a love letter … to myself. And why not? Rather than waiting for some guy to tell me how special I am, maybe I can just do that for myself, after all, they surely don’t know me the way I know me.

I’m trying to turn over a new leaf. It’s not that I’ve given up looking for a partner. It’s just that it’s gradually sinking in that nobody will ever fit the job description better than I will. And so, I want to treat myself with all the love and kindness that my imaginary perfect boyfriend would. Gloria Steinem hit the nail on the head when she said, “Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry.” Is it sad, or is it awesome, that I have more of the qualities I look for in a man inside of me than the men I encounter?

I want to take the time to care about how I feel and do nice little things for myself to make life more beautiful. Should a wonderful man cross my path, well that would be excellent. He could be the cherry on the cake that I baked myself. And should he not come around, well that cake will be damned fine without him. Well that’s what I’m going for anyways.

If I had a partner, I’d love to sit and listen to all the reasons why he loves me. The ego wants what it wants, eh? Who doesn’t like hearing about how awesome they are? Today I write about what I love most about myself, and I kind of recommend you do the same, partner or not. Our partners can be clueless when it comes to knowing how to meet our needs at times. And furthermore, it’s not fair to them to expect them to be mind-readers. Even the best girl/guy won’t be able to accommodate 100% of what we wish from them 100% of the time, so some of that needs to come from ourselves. We all have bad days. They will too. And when we stop giving them the power to effect our mood (easier said than done, for sure), it can be very liberating. I think maybe meeting my own needs isn’t the worst idea I’ve come up with.

Reasons why I love me:

My resilient heart: despite having had my heart broken, time after time, I heal. I heal like a mutha fucka… and I manage to do it without bitterness. I still believe in love, and I will never give up. I leave my heart open to possibilities.

My ability to see the good in people: Some will say it’s naievity, I say it’s anything but. We all have good and bad, we all have beauty. What we find in others is actually a reflection of ourselves, not the person we are observing. I choose to see the good. That’s the way I like my world to be.

My stillness: I like that I am quiet. I like that I can be comfortable not showing off or screaming for attention. I like my soft voice. I think there is beauty in restraint, a peacefulness and an elegance.

My smile: I do have an awesome smile… for real. You would be jealous.

My appreciation for beauty: I love the way my beady little eyes seek out beauty. I think I have an amazing aesthetic. I am able to enjoy all sorts of art from street art to the old masters. I find beauty everywhere I go, and quite frankly, being able to do that makes me feel very wealthy indeed. Maybe it’s because I can appreciate the finer things as well as the simple ones, without the need for ownership. I consider that a very great blessing.

Happy Valentine’s Day to myself, my best girl, my ride or die. I love you.

IMG_2097

It has been suggested that in times where you feel closure won’t be an option, writing a letter can be a good idea. Just get the feelings out. That’s supposed to be cathartic, but actually it wasn’t. Writing the following letter made me incredibly sad. I am sure in the months that follow, Birdy will pop up somewhere. He might not figure it out yet, but he will: I’m not the kind of woman that will be easily replaced. He will send me some stupid text, “whatcha doing?,” as if none of this ever happened. This time, I will ignore it. I will not continually act the part of the fool. I’ve done it before, and I always end up right back where I started.

So here is the letter I wrote to Birdy. I doubt he will ever see it. He knows of my blog, but I don’t think I was ever important enough to him for him to ever read it. Instead I share it with you.

Dear Birdy,

It was all in my imagination, but I thought when you looked at me you could stare in my heart and see the ME that nobody else could. That’s just how I am, silly with overly romantic ideas. I thought you were smart, good, handsome, and I admired and respected you. I had convinced myself that you were my “one.”

The truth is I could never relax enough around you to feel safe. I was trying too hard. I just wanted to make you happy with me and care for me, and so I walked on eggshells. I wanted to be perfect for you, but I was far from perfect. You always let me know. I was a bad driver, I dressed bad, I was selfish and didn’t “contribute” (I still don’t know if you were referring to money or something else – I was too ashamed to ask), and there were also some occasions where I was too lazy to brush my teeth. You broke up with me for three months for that one. I let my heart break repeatedly so I could keep you close. But we were never actually close, were we? You wouldn’t let me in.

I know you didn’t respect me. I could tell by the way you treated me, not answering my texts and always leaving me hanging. Making me feel like I wasn’t even worthy enough to let me know you had broken up with me. That was pretty heartless. Even you have to admit it. You talk to homeless men who stop you on the street. I’ve seen you do it many times. I was a woman who shared your bed and you wouldn’t allow me the same dignity as an unwashed stranger. What makes me so low in your eyes that you felt it was okay to treat me like that? You just completely turned your back on me like I never existed.

I am a human being. I have feelings. In fact I’d say I feel things way more deeply than I should. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve cried for you because at times you made me feel so unwanted. Pathetic? Yes. But I don’t care. You should know these things. You should know it so that if you ever do fall in love, you will know it’s not okay to treat someone you care for like that. It’s not ok to tease starving people with breadcrumbs of affection, even if they are weak and maybe a little stupid. That’s just cruel. It’s like tearing the wings off a butterfly.

It takes a lot to make a heart like mine go cold towards someone I love. I can take a lot of shit. But shit isn’t what I want. I want someone who is capable of seeing what I have to offer as a gift, not something to run from like a coward.

Go. Run away. I release you.

Love Always,
C

Did you ever write a letter to someone just for the sake of writing it? Did it help? I found this painful, and probably wouldn’t do it again. It made me cry and gave me a headache. It was more like opening a wound than letting it heal. This is probably the last post I shall ever write about Birdy (unless I hear from  him, then I’m sure I’ll mention it). I just don’t want to give him any more space. Not on my blog, not in my mind, and not in my heart.

bye-bye-birdie-ann-margret-1963-everett
… and so the drama continues *sigh*…

Last week was crazy. I bet this first thing I’m going to tell you isn’t going to shock you, but it totally threw me. Birdy has gone MIA… again. I don’t know what happened my lovelies. We didn’t get into a fight. We spent Thanksgiving and Christmas together and it was wonderful. I spent it with him and his family. They made me feel so welcome, and I had the best time. Christmas, when I left his house, there was something about the way he hugged me, that I could FEEL, even without the words, that Birdy did truly love me. Then New Years happened. He started to avoid me. I know he was a little shaken by his grief. A book that he was reading had really triggered him. He wanted to be alone.  Okay, I get it. But that alone stretched. It stretched into complete silence. And so Christmas weekend was the last I saw of him, and there has been absolutely no word. I texted him. I told him I was confused and hurt.  Are we broken up? I asked him. No reply.  I am assuming so, but nobody actually broke up with me.

I am so tired of this. I absolutely recognise a pattern. This has happened before. Whenever he gets close to me, he does this. The same happened last year around this same time. Right after introducing me to his parents for the first time at Thanksgiving, he dumped me … for not brushing my teeth.

I don’t know what to tell you. I am confused myself. All I know is that I love that horrible man. My love for him is unconditional.  At the same time, I do know I deserve to be treated with more dignity than this. I am not a wreck of tears like last time. Maybe because I’m used to it? All I feel is a little sad, a little numb, and a little empty.

Now this second thing I’m going tell you? You might want to sit down for this one. After four years of silence, my ex husband and I have made contact.

You see, it all started with a conversation with a co-worker. The subject of my ex came up, and she said, “Why don’t you contact him. It’s the beginning of a new year. Make a fresh start.” And so, at the time, in my head, what I thought was something that I would never EVER do… I did it. I didn’t have his phone number, but I did remember his email address. To make a long story short, that weekend he called me. I heard his voice for the first time in ages.

We had the most wonderful conversation. He apologised to me me. I forgave him. I cried a bit, there were just SO MANY emotions I was feeling. It was the most cathartic, freeing  thing to happen to me in my life. This is the man I spent 18 years of my life with. He was my best friend. He knew me better than anyone has known me before or after. But the way it ended? Well the last time I “saw” him, was in a court room. I couldn’t even look at him. I remember just peaking at his elbow. That elbow that made me sick to my stomach. The elbow that belonged to the man who betrayed me in the ugliest possible way. The elbow that after betraying me, wanted to keep stabbing me until I was thoroughly destroyed… well, that’s how I saw it back then. I was hurting so badly. At the time I was so raw. Every cell of my body was a bloodied burning nerve ending. I could barely inhabit my own skin. I seriously wanted to just die, except I was too angry to die.

That conversation we had… it cooled the fire in my soul.

There is so much to say. But here is the brief synopsis. Life has taken him down quite a few notches, but he is doing okay. He is living in London with his girlfriend (the girl I discovered him cheating on me with). I should mention that surprisingly, this does not sting like you might imagine it would. I guess that means I am well and truly over him. He is living his life in England, and I am living my life in Florida. We are an ocean apart. BUT, we decided that we wanted to be friends. Because really, that’s what we were best at. We were not best at being husband and wife. We were not best at the romantic aspects. But we were best at friendship. And I am so beyond happy to tell you that my very ugly story seems to have a happy ending. My best friend is back. I am crying as I type this because the amount of gratitude that I am feeling right know overwhelms me (and also because I’m a total cry baby).

We grew up together, but we have grown up apart.

Right now I just need to write. I need to get my feelings out. I’m suffering from the same old crap that rears it’s ugly head every once in a while, that feeling of deep loneliness and separation that can sometimes send me into a bad place.

I majored in English Literature. One thing you learn in literature is the concept of “other.” The separate, the not quite right. I identify with this idea much more than I care to. I always have. From as far back as my consciousness goes, I knew that I was “other,” I just didn’t have the special word for it. As a little girl, I always knew I was different. I was lucky if I had just one friend to hang out with in the playground. It is still kind of that way. I have a very small social circle (though it is one that I cherish beyond measure with the most beautifully curated individuals — people I am so honoured to have in my life).

As an adult, I came across something called the Myer-Briggs personality test. It turns out my personality is that of an INFJ, the rarest of all the personality types, making up 1-2% of the world’s population. This always made a lot of sense to me. It kind of legitimised what I already knew, and gave my theory a bit of scientific backing.

Well, today I feel more other than I usually do. I was triggered by two things. Thing one: I caught up with someone from my past, someone I thought I’d never hear from again. It was wonderful actually.  I discovered that though they’d been through their share of shit, they came out shining. This person is now a professor, has grown up considerably and seems to have developed greatly as a human being. Cherry on the cake? They are in a loving relationship which they have managed to maintain for 4 years. Thing two: I’m feeling a bit neglected by Birdy, and I am letting it affect me much more than I should.

So the end result is this warped idea in my head that everyone has their happy ending except for me. Sometimes I know how dumb I actually sound, but that doesn’t stop the feelings from taking hold. Such seems the case with my friends in real life and my BlogLand friends.  So many of you have gone through your trials, and you seem to have either resolved your issues or you now have a spanking new Prince Charming on your arm. You have finally found love. While I love Birdy, there are times when our relationship is quite unsatisfying (right now is one of those times). Happily Ever After seems like a cruel joke. While I’m sincerely happy to see those around me find love, I’m sad because I want to feel that I’m on my way too.

Now I know I just feel this way at this moment because I am in a major downer. I haven’t been triggered like this in a very long time, and so it feels particularly awful. The fairytale? That’s all it is, is bullshit. It’s a myth. Nobody’s life is perfect. I know that. Prince Charming is always an asshole every once in a while, even the shiniest of them all. But sometimes doesn’t it just seem that everyone has it figured out except you?

I spent a long time crying today, I’m ashamed to admit. Pity party, party of one. Damn, I got to stop those. I don’t want a table named after me at Chez Les Miserables! I need to snap myself out of this. I’m going to take myself out to eat and go to the movies (I really want to see I, Tonya), and distract myself a bit. It’s time to put a little self care into action again. I know I am responsible for my own happiness. Birdy is not my source of joy, even though I do have an awesome time in his company. I recognize that the only source of happiness is one that is self generated. But why does that feel like I am retreating into the land of “other”?  Why can’t I have happiness, love, and blackened fish sandwiches all at the same time? Universe, that would be quite grand if you could arrange it please.

toast.jpg
Turns out, the world’s best avocado toast was right on my doorstep. This was f’ing exquisite.

This weekend was about me exercising some much needed self care. I mean, I think I always treat myself pretty well. In fact, I probably verge on self indulgent (but whatever). This weekend was different in that I kind of cocooned myself. It was all about spending some quality alone time with Moi-self. Except for some texts, I didn’t socialise whatsoever. Saturday I don’t remember going out at all. I just watched some gangster series on Netflix cause I thought the lead actor was super hot LOL… way to be discerning Caroline!! I did want to go to the beach, but it was too cold. Sunday afternoon the weather warmed. I spent an ungodly amount of time on Pinterest and leafed through magazines on the porch. I took a bubble bath and listened to guided meditations on YouTube. I had some Godiva chocolate and some organic pasta, but at no point did I binge (yay me). I was good. I stayed in my calorie range.

Another thing I did on Saturday was write out a list of goals for the upcoming year. This has become a new custom of mine. I’m not a fan of New Years resolutions per say, but every year I like to make some goals. If I achieve them, great. If I don’t, no biggie. I just like to have a bit of an outline.

Last year was pretty successful. Although I didn’t make my reading goal (not by a long shot) or my savings goal, I managed to do some pretty cool stuff. I stopped drinking Diet Coke. I achieved my weight goal and my travel goals. The best thing I did this year was buy a car (which is why I didn’t achieve what I had hoped in terms of savings — but I didn’t do too bad either). As far as my car is concerned, I did something that totally freaked me the fuck out. I am so proud of myself for doing it. I’m still mentally high fiving myself for that one. I’ve been driving for about 3 months now, and I’m getting increasingly confident. There are few things I love more than proving to myself that I am capable, and that I can do scary things. Maybe one day in the upcoming year I can do a road trip to the Keys! If I can do that, I feel like I will have conquered something major. I got plenty of space for anyone (brave enough) to join me!

The next year I have quite a few goals, nothing terribly ambitious, just little things that I feel will enhance my life a bit. Some of the goals are just for fun, and some are for improvement. What are your thoughts? Do you make goals? Do you write them down like I do? Do you make resolutions? I’m curious.

Monday was the last day of my three day weekend. I did venture out. I had some errands to take care of. I also had my final IPL treatment. So far, I’d say there is a 75% improvement when it comes to sun spots. I was able to accomplish this for the same price it would cost have me to buy an expensive jar of skin cream that I know would not have produced the same results. While it may not sound particularly pleasant to have lasers zap you in the face, for me, taking care of my skin and making myself beautiful is an act of self care. What else did I do?

I discovered the most amazing coffee shop called R1 Coffee Company, a real gem in my neck of the woods where everything is cookie cutter suburbia. There I had the most sublime avocado toast with all the extras (smoked salmon and poached egg) plus properly brewed tea — nobody in Florida does properly brewed tea! It was expensive, “but I’m worth it,” she said as she brushed her fingers through her hair. I really think I’m ruined from Panera now. I officially declare this as my new breakfast spot/ tea time hang out. A fine lady such as myself has to treat herself, that’s what self care is all about!

So tomorrow I’m back in to work… I’m gritting my teeth already, but I think I can handle it. I’ll close my eyes and think of avocado toast.