Let’s not even mention that I’m not an especially good driver!

One week I’m flying high, and the next week I’m in a low. I’m such a moody cow. It was a crazy week at work. Although I like what I do, the workload is just inhuman. On top of that, Birdy was especially silent with me. I got two texts from him this week, and I did not see him this weekend. I shouldn’t let it throw me, but it affects me a lot more than I care to admit. 

I am also very stressed out about the idea of getting a car. I’ve managed to not own one since moving back to America. I know its time to bite the bullet though. My mom and sister help me get around, but it’s not really fair of me to take advantage of their good nature. At some point, I need to take care of my own transportation.  I’m so freaked out by it though. I don’t want a car. I know I should, but actually I’m completely terrified, and that’s why I’ve kept putting it off. I don’t want the responsibility and the financial drain. I can’t decide what to do. Should I buy a used car (which I would pay in full), or lease a new car, which could end up being a huge financial drain (because the insurance on leased cars is very high). What if the used car has problems? What if the leased car gets scratched? Then what would I do? I know I can “what if” this to death, and that’s exactly what I’ve been doing. If any of you out there could give me some advice on this one, I’d really appreciate it. Are any of you leasing or have experience with it? If yes, what are your thoughts?  Would you recommend it? I only ever had one car in my life, many years ago. It was a used Toyota Camry which was paid in full. I did love that car. I think I’d want another Camry.

Why would a decision like this freak me out the way it does? Shouldn’t I be excited? Wouldn’t being able to go wherever I want whenever I want be wonderful? Imagine all the new freedom I’d have, right?  But the truth is, I know exactly why I find this process so frightening: it’s because the decisions I make are now all my own. The consequences of my choices will all fall on me, and I have no safety net. Nobody is going to help me if/when I run into problems. That makes me so sad. How I wish I had someone in my life who would hold my hand and guide me … but I don’t. So this whole idea of buying a car makes me feel incredibly lonely and fearful. 

Oh, and I got a marriage proposal this morning. I fuck with you not! Alas, I don’t think it was very sincere.