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Sometimes we don’t give ourselves enough credit. We don’t realize how far we’ve come. I am starting to recognize it, as lately I have been coming into contact with a few people whose D-day is painfully fresh.

The other day I met this guy. I have this feeling that we are going to become great friends. He is a foodie, he likes the same music as me, can hold a conversation like nobody’s business, and he is into art … he is also a complete f’ing mess. He is absolutely crippled by his divorce. He was me.

My life is faaaaar from picture perfect. My lovely Birdy has flown away (though I did leave the cage door open), I’m unemployed… blah blah blah, I can’t even be bothered to list all the crap, but if you read me, you know.  But you know what? I’m not the flaming disaster that I used to be. I remember when I started this blog almost two years ago. I hadn’t gotten my first job  yet. I just received a bill from my lawyer in the UK, and I was thrown into utter and complete panic. I had no idea how I was going to pay it. It wasn’t THAT awful, it was just the  straw that broke my back. I felt so violently sick, scared, alone, desperate… you name it. At that moment I wished I was dead. I hid inside my sister’s dark closet and I cried like a wounded animal. My mother had to pry me out. I will never forget it. It was a pain so hard and real you could taste it. I was petrified. I’m guessing you know that feeling too.

These days, it’s a mixed bag. Good days and bad days, but the “bads” are no longer complete meltdowns. I am not that crushed, defeated creature anymore. There is something that comes from surviving the worst pain in your life that changes you. It changes you in a very powerful way. I am not going to pretend that all of the sudden I’m some super strong wonder woman now. I’m not. What I’m saying is that in these bad times, we are forced to prove to ourselves who we are. We are forced to overcome challenges because we have absolutely no other choice. I have found, as I am sure you have, that we are so much more than we ever knew. That weak spine develops a steel core that allows us to stand up again. While our body is adjusting to that foreign object, it is debilitatingly painful. The end result is pretty freaking amazing though. We have scars. You don’t get out of the most brutal battle of your life unscathed. BUT when those scars heal, we are better. We are more cautious and weary, and sometimes we are angry, but we are also strong in a way that we have never been, and we are infinitely more beautiful. We have been through some shit, and guess what? We are still here!

So I guess all that is my way of saying that we deserve some cake and a big fucking party. We have come such a long way. Don’t forget it.

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So often in life I have accepted much less than I deserved. Why? I guess I thought having a little something was better than having nothing at all. I am so used to doing it, I wasn’t even conscious of it until extremely recently. Now, however, I see it like a glaring neon sign. And now that it’s so obvious, I can no longer ignore it.

Aside from being unemployed, My situation with Birdy was really bothering me. I sort of semi-confronted him after I last wrote about him, but things didn’t get better. In fact they got worse. I genuinely feel like I don’t exist in his world. He has many good reasons as to why that is, but that doesn’t change how I feel as a result. I heard from him on Sunday morning and then he disappeared again. Five days had passed. (That can’t be normal for two people who are seeing each other, is it?). I have no doubt that he was genuinely busy, but now it was Friday and I had heard nothing. No “how are you” text… nothing. I was so unhappy, but this time, I had enough. I don’t know how to describe it, but in the last couple days, something changed inside of me. I know I don’t want to live the rest of my life as a doormat.

That being said, if I’m totally honest, I think by ending things, I am loosing more than Birdy is. I don’t think I’m ever going to find a man who has such a winning combination of heart, intelligence, and good looks again. He is truly awesome. I wanted this to work sooooo bad. I wanted him to care for me with all my heart. But if actions speak louder than words (not that he ever claimed to love me or anything), I meant very little to him. 

I know that at this point in my life, I’m no catch, but I also know that I’m a good person with a loving heart. I’m smart, I’m kind, I bend over backwards for those I love … I have value. I deserve more. I know that stuff, but oh, I feel so damned bad. This isn’t how it was supposed to go.

This morning I sent him an email (which I have copied, but edited a teeny bit here):

Dear Birdy,

I feel upset and confused. It has now been five days since I last heard from you. I don’t know if you are angry with me because of that stupid conversation we had, or if you are just busy, but either way, this sucks.

I knew from the very first time I met you that you were special, so different from everyone else. Since I moved here, you were the only man I met that I genuinely wanted. You are the only person I met who I knew I could come to love.

I don’t know what it is. Maybe we met at the wrong time. I know you just came out of a relationship that wasn’t a good one. Or maybe it’s just that you are not terribly into me for whatever reason (and that’s totally okay). You are very busy, and you also value your alone time. I know those things.

It’s just that I feel you are so far removed from me. It’s like you don’t want to get close to me, and for that reason, it feels hard for me to get close to you in the way I wish. I hate that you go days where you don’t even text me hello or ask how I am. I don’t require lengthy conversation, I just want to feel like you care. I want a relationship. A long term committed relationship. A partnership. I want someone who I feel has my back and I want that person to feel that I am there for them too. I want someone to share my deepest secrets with. I want love. I don’t know if you want those things too. I guess this is something I should have asked u about a long time ago, but I never felt able. I felt too shy. That is my fault.

I know I have a ton of flaws. I know that most people wouldn’t consider me a great catch at this phase in my life, but I know I’m am a good person. I have a lot of heart, and all I want to do is give it … if only I felt you wanted it, I think I’d be the happiest, proudest woman in the world.

I want you to be happy. Genuinely. I want to be happy too, but I can’t be in a relationship where I don’t feel valued. I’m so afraid of ending things because I feel like I will never find anyone else like you. I can’t make you care for me though and give me the attention I need. You have never actually told me if I meant anything to you, but five days of zero contact lead me to believe that you don’t.

I have to end things even though I desperately don’t want to. I can’t give my heart to a man who isn’t willing to share his. I need to feel wanted. Maybe that sounds stupid to you, but It’s part of who I am.

I wish you so much good. I wish you everything your heart desires and more. You are an amazing man and you deserve all the happiness in the world. I will always think of you with tons of respect and admiration.

Love always,
Caroline

To be continued…

... and did I mention that I hate my job?
… and did I mention that I hate my job?

I am really feeling low.

1) This week I got insulted by someone who I tried to help. I shall call this person X. I befriended X because they felt upset after a very sudden and unexpected breakup with their spouse (much like my own). I was trying to help X understand that they had worth even without their ex, and I was giving them some ideas and encouragement on how to win them back while maintaining their dignity. I spent a lot of time on X… it backfired. I don’t think it was their intention, but I ended up with a very personal insult that really left me feeling hurt. So much for helping others :(.

2) A man that I am not interested decided he would make a very unwelcome pass at me, and it left me feeling like garbage. I feel a deep bitterness creeping into my heart. It has been building up for some time now, and I have tried to ignore it, but it is most definitely there. I think I am starting to hate men. I am starting to wonder if any of them posses any kindness or gentleness, or are they all just self-obsessed bastards out there to take what they can get?  My deepest wish was that God reserved a good man for me, because that is what I wanted most– I think I have to pack that wish in a box and try to forget that it existed.

Speaking of boxes…

3) Today I am expecting my things to be delivered from Napoleon. Before I moved back to Florida, he asked me to marry him. I said yes. I had my things delivered to him from London, and he put them in storage for me so that I would have them when I came “home.”  Inside those boxes were my dreams for a future. To make a long story short, he didn’t love me enough to follow through, and the result is that today I get my stuff back. It has been almost four months since he has spoken to me. His life goes on without me as if I never existed. I know when those packages arrive my heart is going to break. I am trying to steel myself up for it, but as I type this, I am already crying.

4) If I thought things were on shaky ground with Dr Man Whore and Baby Whore, I thought wrong. Today the silly bitch posted a picture of herself with a Chanel bag, a big teddy bear, and a new hair color which looks surprisingly like my own. It made me want to vomit.

God give me strength to hold my head up and remember what it feels like to be human. Sometimes I really do forget.

Dita, probably the most glamorous woman alive today.
Dita, probably the most glamorous woman alive today.

One woman that I really admire is Dita Von Teese. She is sexy without being trashy, her appearance is immaculate, and though she has been through her share of drama, she always gives the appearance of complete composure. Moi needs to adopt a bit of that into my own life.

Here is a great video where Dita talks about keeping your dignity (among other stuff), which I have watched several times.

You know I always thought when you loved somebody you were supposed to lower your wings of humility. You should, but I’ve learned that there is a point where you can lower them so much, that you loose your self respect, and you start to feel worthless. You would hope that the person you loved would not allow you to get to that point, but the thing is, they may not return your feelings for them with equal affection. You have to set boundaries. Your boundaries are like your dignity, and you can not relinquish them without loosing yourself. I have learned to never be so desperate to holding on to someone that you loose yourself in the process.

I’m going to be honest here, I no longer recognize my value. My soon to be ex destroyed it, and if there was any bit of it left, I lost it to the man I fell in love with after him. I am so quick to cheapen myself because I want to be loved so desperately. This is something that I guess I’m going to need to work on. I know I am a decent human being. I am loving and kind (and I have pretty hair LOL). Someday a man might look upon me and recognize me as the love of his life… but not if I don’t recognize it first.

And here are some gratuitous pictures of Dita because I think she is awesome! I hope one day I get to see one of her burlesque shows. Dita daaahling, if you are reading this, hook me up *kisses*

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