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No cake in my house shall ever go to waste, so long as I have breath in my body.

Sometimes I worry like I’m going to end up like Miss Havisham. Do you remember her? She a pivotal character in Charles Dickens’ Great Expectations. An eccentric to say the least. Well in case you haven’t read the book, as a young woman, she fell in love with a man, and was left at the altar on her wedding day. On that fateful moment, she stops all the clocks in her sprawling mansion, and her heart turns to stone. It becomes the defining moment of her life, and she never recovers from the trauma. Filled with rage, sadness, shock, and embarrassment, she becomes a mad and bitter recluse. The towering wedding cake is left to decompose in it’s gigantic rotting splendor, and till the day she dies,  Miss Havisham never takes off her yellowing wedding dress or removes the dead bridal flowers that decorate her hair. In that fateful moment, she begins her descent into deeply broken, possibly insane woman, overcome with bitterness.

I have moments where I think I’m becoming her. Why?

For starters, I am most definitely becoming an eccentric (though I have to say, I like it).

I was also once asked for my hand in marriage only to be dismissed and forgotten. It hurt like hell.

Sometimes I feel this bitterness growing inside of me. I have moments when I feel so angry.  I try to ignore it, but there are days when I can feel that seed growing. That seed is comprised of hurt and fear. I see so many women in my situation who have really become sour. I desperately do not want to become that sort of person … but oh how easy it is for that brave face to slip on a bad day.

Happily, with the passing of time, I realize that Miss H and I are not the same at all. I am becoming stronger. I’m growing into the woman I’m supposed to be. That makes me feel proud. No, I won’t become the next Miss Havisham. Why?

Well let’s get one thing straight, there would NEVER be a rotting wedding cake in my house. I’d surely have eaten the whole thing all by myself… just for spite (and tastiness). As I wouldn’t be getting married, it’s totally okay if I got fat. Besides, I love cake. I’m pretty sure my cake would be custom made mille crepes monolith from Lady M in NYC. Have you ever tasted it? Deviiiiiiine. Surely I couldn’t let all that deliciousness go to waste. Those cakes are f’ing expensive! Heartbroken? Yes. Crazy enough not to eat yummy overpriced cake? Hell no, that’s what I live for dont’cha know! That’s why God invented elasticated sweat pants.

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Who needs a thigh gap when you can have this?

I wouldn’t wear my wedding gown forever. I have to admit, when I first got dumped, I wouldn’t change my clothes for days and days. Maybe I shouldn’t admit this, but I am not a pretty crier. No sweet little tears. No indeed. Truth be told there there was plenty of snot too. It would get all over my clothes. I wore it like a kind of badge of honor. But eventually, it had to be changed. I couldn’t stand my own self after a while. I was getting kinda crusty.

Another difference is that I don’t actually WANT to wallow in my misery and aloneness.  Miss Havisham made it her art form and her life’s work. I force myself to meet new people and to do things that enrich me. There are times when that it is a real effort. They say that “happiness is a choice.” From the bottom of my heart, I want to experience what it feels like to be truly happy. I am working on it, but it surprisingly hard to do despite how simple it sounds. It involves changing the way you think. It is about being vigilant with yourself when you know you are slipping.  I am a work in progress.

I could never stay home all day. My little excursions are what I live for. I love going on trips to the museum, trying a cool new restaurant, or a new experience. I’ve had a lot of new experiences lately (but a lady never tells LOL). Well sometimes she does, but maybe I’ll save that for another post.

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Speaking of fun excursions, I am soooo super excited about an upcoming adventure with a very dear friend. Moi is going to New Orleans!!! I’m going to teach the locals how to  inhale beignets like a boss. Watch this space. Shenanigans are a’comming! Feelings… pah. Time to brush that shit off, walk outside, and live.

 

Sometimes a girl has to spoil herself, especially if there is nobody to remind her how fabulous she is.
Sometimes a girl has to spoil herself. Take the time to honor your fabulousness!

Hey dollies, I’m back. I’m here to tell you about what I’m upto, along with my dear friend Skeletor. He is so uplifting, and he always helps me illustrate my feelings in the most apt manner.

Friday was kind of cool, because after a long day of work, guess what was waiting for me at the door? My new iPhone6s. My iPhone4S was perfectly fine, but… meh. I have been wanting a cool new phone for so long, and now I have it. As my iPhone is the only thing I sleep with, he might as well be handsome, no? And, unlike my ex husband, it does not snore like a pig. So it’s kind of a win ;).

My reaction to the news of my sister's momentous news.
My reaction to the news of my sister’s momentous news.

This week I heard the news that my sister is 6 weeks pregnant with her third baby. The girl is breeding like a cow these days and starting to look like one too LOL. Okay, maybe that’s a little cruel, but it’s my blog, and shenanigans and unprovoked commentary are what I do best. Seriously, she looks so exahutsted all the time with the two boys she has, I don’t get it. That being said, I don’t have the motherhood gene. I never wanted children. I never even liked dolls (except for Barbie and Raggedy Ann). I did have this one doll that was given to me as a gift when I was a little girl. It was a doll that you feed with a little bottle, and then it would tinkle. I used to get frustrated that it would take the doll sooooo long to drink, so I got in the habit of pulling off the head, pouring down the liquid, and then squeezing it to make it pee LOL. Some people should not be mothers 🙂 and I am one of them.

Happy birthday to my grandma who knows how to lay on the guilt trips like nobody's business, but is also one of my biggest fans. I love her
Happy birthday to my grandma who knows how to lay on the guilt trips like nobody’s business, but is also one of my biggest fans. I love her.

In other family news, my grandmother turned 89 this week. She is an amazing woman. I love her, and I don’t know where I would be without her and my grandfather’s influence in my life. She is no cookie baking old lady, that’s for sure! Actually, she is quite the tyrant. Despite my admiration, the truth is that I prefer her in small doses. Family is always like that huh? We love them, but sometimes we prefer to love them from afar. Living back in such close proximity to my family again is a huge reminder of that. Anyways, I hope she lives forever. She is awesome.

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So it’s Sunday afternoon, and I’m feeling pretty good. My mom and I, in keeping with our tradition, had breakfast bagels at Panera, walked around a couple of shops, and then I came home to do some laundry. As I type I’m drinking some delicious mint green tea from Angelina, Paris and scarfing down Ritz crackers (I am addicted to them). I spent the past half hour joking around with a friend on Whatsapp. I was telling them about my rapper name: Dollah and about all my baby daddies. It was just silly, but it made me laugh, and sometimes, it’s those small pleasures in life that keep us going. Later today we are meeting up to see a French film called The New Girlfriend and pig out on some ice cream. All things considered, Dollah is still rolin’, her diamond encrusted grill clearly visible with all the smiling she’s doing. I may have my bad days, but they are becoming less. I’m learning to take things in stride (or at least it feels that way right now). I love every day that I can prove to myself that I can be happy without all the things I thought I needed. Yeah, look at me, all living and $hit, its freaking awesome.

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As I write this, I am at work. I just moved desks (which I’m happy about), but the lines aren’t  properly connected, which means I can’t use the phone or the internet.  As you may imagine, I am deeply saddened.  I am sitting here in my “new home” and my mind drifts…  that happens a lot with me LOL. Today I’d share my favorite guilty pleasures.

It it wasn't for powerful self control, I could totally be on that show too.
It it wasn’t for powerful self control, I could totally be on that show too.

My 600 Pound Life:

There are several reasons why this show is such a guilty pleasure for me. In some ways, I feel like I should be ashamed of myself simply for watching the inner workings of a fat person’s life simply because they are fat. But watch it I do!

  1. Whenever I feel like I’ve gone off my diet, whenever I feel like my thighs are looking particularly meaty, or had a run in with one of those awful mirrors where you can see yourself from behind, I can watch My 600 Pound Life and feel better about myself. Instead of comparing myself to a 20 year old supermodel, it’s sometimes awesome to check out the other end of the spectrum.
  2. I am strangely fascinated by the fat form, the way the body shapes itself when it gets unusually large… those rolls!
  3. Despite their uncommon looks, I am cheered up by the fact that many of them have partners who love them. If there is hope for them, there must be hope for me too. Maybe, somewhere in the world there is someone for everyone, someone who will love me despite my flaws and eccentricities. I long to meet someone who sees my differences as something that makes me special,  someone who loves me enough that he would let not any obstacle keep us apart. Love, when all the odds are stacked against you, that is the ultimate fairytale, and it seems that some of them on the show have found that. It gives me hope.

Mall pretzels:

The pretzel nuggets and the little hot dog bites are simply lovely when they are warm and fresh.
The pretzel nuggets and the little hot dog bites are simply lovely when they are warm and fresh.

They have absolutely no nutritional value. It is just empty calories of carbs and a bit of butter. That’s a magic combination my lovelies. They are warm too, so that makes them extra comforting. That and a diet coke (yeah, who am I kidding… diet my ass), it soothes a tired soul. As you must know, spending money on things you don’t need is hard work. Wasting time at the mall instead of engaging in cultural pursuits, it’s a way of life for me these days. These little pretzel nuggets aid me in my chore.

Being hideously comfy:

"As a caterpillar becomes a butterfly, so must you become DERELIQUE"--Mr Mugatu from Zoolander.
“As a caterpillar becomes a butterfly, so must you become DERELIQUE”–Mr Mugatu from Zoolander.

After work, the first thing I do is change into the most hideous outfit you could possibly fathom. It starts with a long t-shirt with a parrot on it. That thing has got to be at least 20 years old. That is followed by a pair of super baggy aqua blue sweatpants from Victoria’s Secret. Perhaps at one point they might have been deemed slightly fashionable, but I promise you, they aren’t anymore! This monstrosity is capped off by an orange hooded sweatshirt. It looks remarkably like what Kenny wears on South Park, especially when I pull the drawstrings of the hood (yes, I do do that sometimes LOL, just for effect). And do you know what? I feel soooooo good in that outfit. It is so ridiculously comfy, pure awesomeness. In the old Hollywood movies, women say , “I’m just going to slip into something more comfortable,” and she would come out wearing something devastatingly sexy. Not me. Every woman knows that sexy and comfy are two words that never really go together.  My hideous ensemble is my way of saying that I am done with human contact for the day. It’s me time,  I’m going to look as ugly as I can, and feel good about it.

Trashy romance novels:

Yep, that's about as much action as I get LOL!
As this is truly my life, romance novels are required reading 😉

For someone who has a Summa Cum Laude degree in English Literature, I should be hanging my head in shame. I haven’t had a man in my life since Napoleon, so this is about as romantic as my life gets at the moment.  Let’s be frank dollies, often men are way better in books anyway!  In the novels, the man will always text you back LOL (well, that would be if hot Highland men had iPhones).

Pinterest:

Pinster

Probably my biggest guilty pleasure of all is Pinterest. God, I waste loooooads of time on that thing. Sometimes, after a particularly rough day when my neck is aching from stress and I am feeling completely worn out, Pinterest is just what I need. It is a tremendous source of escapism for me. I browse beautiful works of art, salivate over food porn, read inspirational sayings, gaze at couture clothing, indulge in a bit of humor… bliss. It is basically a clip art wish list of all things glam and girlie. I adore it. Yeah, I could be doing something productive with my time, such as exercising instead of pinning what exercizes I can do to achieve perfectly toned arms but… no.

Writing about my guilty pleasures, well it makes me kind of happy. Most of life can be really boring. Most of us spend at least 8 hours at work, and loose about 6 hours in sleep. There has to be time to dream and indulge and just do dumb stuff. Why? Just because we can.

So tell me daaahlings, what are your guilty pleasures?

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Moi? Bitter? Maybe a little.

I am not loving men at the moment. What strange creatures they seem to me, almost alien. Why do I want one so bad when all they seem to do is hurt me? Well, I know the answer: I just want to be loved, to love some one, and to be high on that feeling of being in love. I’ve never really experimented with drugs, but can it really compare to how you feel when you are in love? Oh how I want to experience those feelings again… but… WTF is wrong with the men that are out there? For F’s sake, the pickings of good men are slim. So today is really just a shit list going out to all they guys out there, cause seriously, you guys kinda suck! I may have to consider becoming a lesbian.

"All right you little  shi*t, time to go back into your cage!"
“All right you little shi*t, time to go back into your cage!”
I think I'm going to just stick to romance novels. Guys in books are way better.
I think I’m going to just stick to romance novels. Guys in books are way better.
Yeah, I'm totally going to have to save myself.
Yeah, I’m totally going to have to save myself.

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Prince Charming my ass LOL
Prince Charming my ass LOL
God, I hate it when guys do that!!! Totally pisses me off.
God, I hate it when guys do that!!! Totally pisses me off.
LOL!
LOL!

I’ve had a tough week. Thank god it’s Friday. My soon to be ex husband (aka Dr Man-whore) is trying to go back on his financial agreement. My only recourse is to fight him, and that means more lawyer fees. I am scared to death that when this is all over I won’t be left with anything. How am I going to rebuild when all this is over if there is nothing left to rebuild with? It is dire.

Thursday I was involved in a car accident, which was really scary and freaked the sh*t out of me. My back hurts a little, but my sister (who was driving) and I are okay. Her car is really messed up though. I am upset for her. She loves her car. Her accident would never have happened if she wasn’t helping to drop me off. I feel responsible.

On top of that I’m trying to cope with breaking up with my Napoleon. I loved that man. He says we will stay best friends; but oh how my heart hurts. Not a day goes by that I don’t cry for him like some silly teenager. Every day I send him a million texts, begging him to reconsider. I am embarrassing myself. The rejection is crushing. I genuinely thought he was my forever. I guess I was wrong. Having to close that door on all of the wonderful dreams I had for us hurts my heart more than you can imagine.

I have a hard time keeping it together (I am often found crying my eyes out in the bathroom), but somehow I must.  It’s just me against the world now. I need to brush my depression aside. These feelings of grief and abandonment need to be swept under the carpet for now so that I can muster enough of my wits to save myself.

Music is helping. I downloaded some really kick ass songs that I listen to when I feel tearful or I’m about to embarrass myself by turning to someone who doesn’t want to hear from me. I am learning to turn my hurt into anger. It feels better than feeling sad. It feels more powerful. I need to find that strength that’s buried down somewhere so deep and forgotten. I know it exists because I remember seeing it so many years ago. I’m tired of being depressed. I don’t want to spend my life as a victim.

On that note, it’s Friday. F everyone. F all the tears and the sleepless nights. I want to get happy. I need a laugh. Maybe you do too.

Let’s get excited daaaahlings! It’s Friday after all.

Let's get this party started!
Let’s get this party started!
Well, I wouldn't say "surrounded," but I do have my mother and some very dear friends who have really been there for me. It is awesome to have your very own team of loved ones who you know are rooting for you.
Today I want to celebrate all the awesome people who are rooting for me. I am blessed to have such dear sweet friends and family to turn to during difficult times. They make me so thankful. *Smoochies*
Speaking of my friends, there are those fabulous strangers that read my blog and encouragement! Yeah, I mean you! Grab yourself a super fatty snack daaahling, the calories are on me today :).
Speaking of my friends, there are those fabulous strangers that read my blog and leave me words encouragement! Yeah, I mean you! Grab yourself a super fatty snack daaahling, the calories are on me today :).
I am the center of my own universe, and nothing matters more than me. I can be as selfish as I want to be. My ex always said I was good at that, but now I'm going to excel even further!!!
I am the center of my own universe, and nothing matters more than me. Now that I’m all on my own, I can be as selfish as I want to be. My ex always said I was good at that, but now I’m going strive for excellence! Yay me!!!
For so many years, I was in my husband's shadow. I forgot that I was important too, that I was also capeable of great things. Okay, so I have yet to discover what those things are LOL, but this time, when I do shine, it will be a light of my own making.
For so many years, I was in my husband’s shadow. I forgot that I was important too, that I was also capeable of great things. Okay, so I have yet to discover what those things are LOL, but this time, when I do shine, it will be a light of my own making. That’s pretty freaking cool!
I don't actually plan for my life to be one big pity part. I have every intention picking myself up and putting back the pieces to become a Caroline that is even more amazing than I used to be.
Life is not going to end up as one giant pity part… Hell no!!! I have every intention picking myself up and putting back the pieces to construct a Caroline that is even more magnificent than I the one I was.
One day I'd like to be able to say that I don't need a man to complete me. It's been a long time since I had that kind of confidence in myself, and I can't wait for it to come back.
One day I’d like to be able to say that I don’t need a man to complete me. It’s been a long time since I had that kind of confidence in myself, and I can’t wait for it to come back.
And so my lovelies, today I ask you to remind yourself why you are special (because I know you are).
And so my lovelies, today I ask you to remind yourself why you are special (because I know you are). Where were you this time last year? I bet you have accomplished something worth being proud of. Remind yourself.

I hope you guys are laughing a bit, or at least maybe have a teeny smile on your face. Yes, I have the oddest sense of humor of probably any blogger you’re going to come across, but that’s what makes me Caroline. Have a wonderful weekend and allow yourself to smile at the preposterous.It starts with the little things.