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Well, it didn’t work out with Prince. Did you foresee that one my lovelies? It ended about a month ago. The red flags were bountiful, but starving hearts eat lies when they are hungry. Such was the case with little piggy Caroline. I won’t go though the litany of details, because quite frankly I’m ashamed of myself for not leaving much earlier like any normal person would have. To summarize, even though it started off beautifully, there ended up being loads of drama and tons of lies. At the end, our relationship really started to feel awful. It was time to walk away. Suffice it to say, I’m back where I started, which I guess wasn’t anywhere that horrible to begin with. It is lonely at times, sure, but I’ve learned how to cope with that.

Shortly following the breakup, I was feeling kinda low. Prince became a big part of my life. We would spend loads of time together, and now there was just empty space. I felt hollow and sad.  It was time to lift my vibration. That’s Law of Attraction speak for “getting my groove back.” So how did I attempt to do that? 

Eating good food. When in a relationship I tend to eat more, and not necessarily healthy stuff. I just don’t feel good about myself when I start putting on weight on. My clothes get tight and uncomfortable, and I don’t feel pretty. It kind of puts a buzz kill on everything for me. For better or for worse, my walks that ended at the Italian bakery for the cheesecake I loved so much are a thing of the past. For the time being, I’m saying no to stuff that isn’t good for me (well, Monday though Friday at least). I’m focusing on eating better quality, natural foods, and I’ve reduced my consumption of Diet Coke. The weight loss is slow going, but then again, it always is. It’s about staying focused and committed and not giving up. I’m going to NYC again in a few days, so that’s not going to help, but whateva. Slim thighs may just have to wait just a bit longer. 

Consuming happy thoughts. What you put in your head is just as important as what you put into your body — if not more. When a relationship ends, it’s not uncommon for your partner to insult you, and unfortunately, sometimes those insults stick and burn ugly holes inside you. Alright, so maybe watching episode after episode of the Marvelous Mrs Maisel and Fleabag (on Amazon Prime) aren’t going to enrich me exactly, but they were welcome distractions when I needed them, funny and entertaining. It doesn’t always have to be educational. Sometimes feeling good is  enough. And if you aren’t at the point where you are ready to feel good, amusingly distracted is okay too. It’s certainly a step in the right direction. Never be annoyed with yourself for not being able to jump from point A to point B on the emotional spectrum at the snap of a finger. It just doesn’t work that way. Baby steps are quite alright. 

Moving: I hate exercise. Abhor it. It’s been months (maybe more like year) since I set foot in the gym, and that wasn’t about to change. I do walk loads though and set myself a lofty Fitbit goal. Things slipped. I’m now back on track and feeling better about myself. Getting outside, fresh air, the sun on my skin, it does wonders. Another active thing I like to do?  I blast some kick ass music on my headphones and dance in my underwear. Don’t ask LOL. All I can tell you is that this ritual of mine feels super uplifting. Instant happiness.

Being social. I’m an introvert so this doesn’t come easy, but I’ve been putting myself out there. When you feel low, the last thing you want to do is be friendly, but it works a certain sort of magic.  I talk about my feelings to whoever will listen. I talk extremely openly, because by being so honest, it opens the door for others to be honest in return.  And I smile. And people smile back, and I can’t tell you why exactly, but there is something very reassuring when someone you don’t really know returns your smile. It’s like a secret code of good will and positive energy.

Looking to the future with happy expectation. I thought after Prince I probably would just give up on the whole dating thing. No. I won’t. I believe that love is out there. Maybe it doesn’t come wrapped in the pretty ribbon I had imagined, but I still believe that the Universe has my back. Sometimes people leave our lives for the simple fact that they aren’t meant to stay. That is okay. What’s mine will find me. But looking to the future isn’t just about romance, it’s also about planning things I can look forward to. For example, I love stand up comedy. I’ve been lucky enough to see Joan Rivers preform (right before she died), and also Chris Rock. Now I’m going to see Jim Gaffigan. It’s not till December, but I’m super excited about it.  As always, I  will continue plan little getaways and restaurant dates (even if those dates are by myself). I love my little adventures.

I recently did hear from Prince. His father passed away from cancer. I was very sad to hear the news, as his dad was a lovely man. This post is not about dragging Prince through the mud. Sometimes two people are just not a match, and trying to hammer a square peg into a round hole is just painful and futile. I feel that such was the case with us.  He may be a prince, but he isn’t MY prince. We shared some very happy times together that I will treasure in my memories. There are no hard feelings, I send him my love and good wishes.

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I have become very cautious of writing about men on this blog. I hate writing about someone and then the following week they are gone, but I have found someone who has become very special to me in a very short time, and I’m dying to spill the beans. Grab your barf bags, because I going to get sappy. I can’t help it. This one does that to me.  In the post before this one, you may noticed that I was getting pretty disgusted by the opposite sex. I always prided myself on keeping an open heart and not allowing myself to become jaded, but I think little icicles were starting to form. Back in the day when a man was acting less than gentlemanly, I’d laugh it off and continue chatting … I stopped doing that shit. I started standing my ground once I concluded that these men weren’t worth my time or the dignity I lost by sharing space with them. Life is too short to breathe the same air as a mysoginist fucktard who thinks a woman’s only purpose is to look hot in a selfie. Besides, who do these guys think they are with their receding hairlines, dad bods, and exorbitant child support payments? Fuck no.

I wanted more. And though I had hoped that I’d find it, I also had to accept that I might not. I’d have to make peace with the loneliness. I’d have to be okay that all the love in my heart might never be shared. It wasn’t okay, but I knew I’d have to put on my big girl panties and deal with it. I wasn’t going to give up, but I wasn’t going to settle.

And when I started to let go of my dream, to love and be loved by someone I respected and admired, it happened. It’s very much in the early stages, but I feel strongly that when you know, you just know. And this time, I know. For the purposes of this blog, I shall refer to this someone as Prince.

I’ll start by saying that I knew I liked him before we met. I can’t remember enjoying talking with someone so much. Our conversation just flowed so effortlessly. God that man can talk for England LOL. My nickname for him is Teddy Ruxpin because he never shuts off. He was fun, engaging, and he told interesting stories in a somewhat swoon worthy South African accent. But after meeting him in person, I knew this man was going to be someone very special in my life. I was definitely attracted to him. He is 6’1, athletic (he played division 1 hockey and polo on a professional level), and he has such a boyish, youthful face. The only give away to his age is the color of his hair. He held my hand and made a lot of physical contact with me in a way that was affectionate but completely undemanding. In fact, we didn’t kiss that night. He was a true gentleman. After that night he asked me if I believed at love at first sight. I never thought I would believe in something so ridiculous… until now.

We are very much alike, despite coming from very different backgrounds. His is one of privilege. He went to the same boarding school as JFK and Ivanka Trump. He was raised by au pairs, not parents, and every activity he was involved in was calculated to make him a success. All he knew was about performing. At ten he already spoke three languages. So what could hippie dippie unicorn riding Caroline possibly have in common with such a man? Well, despite our very different lives, we somehow think the same thoughts, react the same way, and share the same kind of crazy (the batshit variety… let’s call it like it is, shall we?). He has a very soft heart that he only allows only me to see me. He is a well respected equine surgeon and when one of his horses has to be put down, it’s me that he lets wipe his tears.

He is a romantic. He sends me the most beautiful texts. He devotes so much of his time to me— which is absolutely unheard of in my experiences. I’m used to men who avoid communication at all costs. But we spend hours talking and texting throughout the day. Teddy Ruxpin, I tell you, always on… even when I’m ready to close my eyes, especially when I’m ready to close my eyes, and sometimes when my eyes are closed! I love it how he makes me feel like I’m part of something bigger. He has talked about me to his mom, and I have met his dad during a very vulnerable time (Prince’s dad has stage 4 cancer). That he’s incorporated me into his life like this, it makes me feel safe. It makes me feel like I’m not going to be tossed away without a care, as I’ve experienced in the past.

I’d like to think that now will begin the next stages of this blog, in which I no longer write about my shitty encounters with men children. It may have been funny, but it wasn’t fun. It was lonely and disheartening. I hope the next part of my blog is about my adventures with Prince, and relearning what it feels like to love and be loved.

Today is our one month anniversary. Yeah, its not huge, but for me it’s a major milestone. We’ve had a couple hiccups in that time, I won’t lie, but I am unfazed. I don’t want Prince to be perfect. I want him to be human and flawed, just like I am. What matters, when you boil things down to its true essence, despite any roadblocks, Prince is still here. He hasn’t let go of my hand. Consistency. Friendship. Love. It’s everything I wanted. Not perfection, but happiness.

Maybe there is hope for me yet. Watch this space.

 

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Mr Big. I don’t think he is going to work. I am not deleting him from my life, I will keep him – but at arm’s length. I just can’t handle the guy.  He rubs off on me in a way which feels very negative and toxic. He makes me feel bad. He says I’m a drama queen. Maybe I am. He is not the first to say so. We are just so different, and I am beginning to doubt we will ever find common ground. I don’t think he is capable of giving me affection in a way which I would find satisfying. When it comes to him I need to expect nothing. And gosh, when I think about that and how absolutely rock bottom my standards are, I feel so deeply sad. There was a moment last week where I felt we really connected, but I’m starting to think that was all in my head.

He likes me most when I’m ignoring him and refusing to meet up. That’s when he makes an effort. That’s when I get texts. Once we do meet, he ignores me for days on end. When I confront him he is dismissive. Sometimes he is just cruel. At the moment, as I write this, I can honestly tell you that I don’t even like him. This is what my relationship with him has been like over the last two years. This is why we go for such long periods without uttering a word.

There’s another guy too. I shall call him Prince.  Prince is super handsome. I am really attracted to him. I met him only once, through work. He is 5 years younger than me. He is muscular and has a lot of tattoos. I find tattoos very sexy! Prince and I send each other flirty texts, but we never met outside that one occasion, which was totally work related. I am not sure what to make of him. I’m not sure how deep his interest in me is, or wether he has the time for a relationship. Our work schedules conflict quite a bit, and like Mr Big, he is always on the go.  His father is quite ill and he has a young daughter. I don’t know if there is any room for me there. I feel very flattered to have his attention, if nothing else. Unlike Mr Big, he did wish me Happy Valentine’s Day and we texted for like two hours. That was fun.

I get attention from both of them that is very stop and go. Neither is a constant. Neither of them is an actual part of my life. And the truth is, even if i had the attention from loads of men,  if it’s not from the man I really want, what does it matter?

Well fuck them all. The man I want. The men I don’t. At the end of the day, the fact remains that I’m as spinster as they come. Well… did I tell you that this spinster is going to Paris?! More to come.