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So truth is that I had a shitty week. Really shitty. My mom hasn’t been well (I kind of loathe to get into it, I find it kind of scary and embarrassing to talk about), work has been breaking my back (nothing earth shattering, but you know that can suck), and I have been feeling overlooked. I know we all feel this way sometimes. Different problems of course, but we all have moments where we need a pick me up. We all need to be reminded of who we REALLY are: powerful, beautiful, and limitless beings. 

Here are five ways that I tried to work on that today:

Awesome music: I have music that suits all my moods. There is some stuff that I listen to that’s totally hard and kick ass, some that’s goth and moody, and some that makes me feel very feminine and spiritual. We all have different tastes and different sides to our personality. One thing is the same for all of us though: music is some powerful ass magic. Sometimes you gotta put on your headphones (Bose, dear), block out the rest of the world, and loose yourself in sound. Just totally feel it. Immerse yourself into it. FEEL it. BE it. Dance if your wishes move you. Take your music out for walk or a run in nature if you are feeling it.  It’s all good.

I ate good food: Now, I’m not talking about bingeing, though we all know I am not averse to that (goddesses don’t regulate themselves, after all). What I’m talking about eating food that is good for you, but also delicious. A coconut macaroon won’t kill ya either dollies, not when they are from Godiva. Aside from my sugar laden Scooby Snack of choice though, today I also indulged in thick Greek yogurt covered in  a luxurious sweet honey that I’ve been saving for something special, and some incredibly tasty avocado toast with juicy tomatoes. Who doesn’t love avocados, right? I drink my special tea that I adore, and I just savor the flavors. 

I was selfish with my time: There are moments where everyone needs to kinda fuck off. They might be fabulous, but fuck off they must. And then there are people who really don’t deserve your energies. You know who I’m talking about. You are totally thinking about someone right now, aren’t you LOL? Sometimes you need to be selfish and be all about you, because we both know, nobody else will do this for you. Turn off your phone. Maybe lock the door to your room. Or maybe just get out. Today I became invisible for a while (though honestly, I don’t think anyone noticed–that sorta sucks, but whatevs).

I took a bath. Maybe it is because I’m a water sign, but there are few things so soothing as a nice bath (with a ridiculously overpriced scented candle—Walmart can kiss my ass. Frugality has no place when it comes to self care.) Bubbles or bath oil. It’s all good. Sometimes I lie there, just kind of motionless and feel the warm water around me. Sometimes I listen to guided meditations on YouTube. Just follow whatever your heart wants. Maybe some cookies? I don’t know, just sayin.’ If the crumbs get in the tub, it’s no biggie, they will all just go down the drain, so actually, it’s really pretty genius.

I made a face mask. When I was in NYC I stopped in one of my favorite little shops: Kalustyan’s. I’m not sure how I describe the place. It’s kind of like a witch’s cupboard of the weird and wonderful. It is a food store, but it sells these magical ingredients that you just won’t find anywhere else. This time, one of the unusual ingredients I purchased was Organic Rose Petal Powder… Now what would I do what that? Well I’m kind of obsessed with rose as a flavor, so I bought it, and I decided I’d figure it out later. After doing a bit of research I decided to make a face mask out of it. Supposedly, it is a natural skin toner. I mixed the rose petal powder and honey (full of antioxidants) to form a thick dark colored paste and slathered it onto my skin (after I tried to taste it … yeah, really). I left it on for a good 20 minutes, and then washed it off. Rinsing it off with water is a bit messy. But do you know what? It actually produced great results. I wouldn’t lie to you on this. My skin felt felt very soft and looked very fresh and healthy in a way that it does not normally. I am going to make this a weekly habit, as it feels quite indulgent, and I adore self care. If you can find this crazy ingredient, try it out for yourself. 

I want to also try adding little spoon of the powder into hot chocolate. Would it be as yummy as I imagine? Watch this space.

I think its super important to discuss how we pull ourselves out of negativity rather than wallow in it. Feelings are like visitors, they come and go, but sometimes the yucky ones will want to hang out just a bit too long if you invite them to tea. So let’s talk about this my lovelies, how do you vanquish the nasties?

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“Nice” is for milk toast. It does not describe who I am.

People  who don’t know any better see me as this outwardly zen woman, completely at peace. They see someone who is quiet, gentle, and has a soft voice. Yes, that is who I am … on the outside. It is part of me. Inside me lives something totally different, and there is one person in my life who I wish could see the real me. I wish they could see my fire, and how strong and brave I can be– rather than this mouse that I seem to come across as.

It’s fine if most people view me that way. There are advantages to having this kind of persona. People are kinder to you, more willing to help, and more willing to talk to someone who comes across as non threatening. In my job, I use this to my advantage all the time. I’m great at making people feel comfortable, accepted, and important. I think it’s actually one of my greatest skills… but … I am more than that. I am not a slice of milk toast.

Part of it is that I’m an introvert. I’ve always been. I accept it, I like it, and I have no wish to change it. But there is this particular person I wish to impress. When I am around them, I find myself choking on my words, and I hate that! I know it’s kind of childish to ache for recognition. I remind myself of those little kids saying, “look at me mommy.” I don’t want to be that. Begging for attention is demeaning. But oh, how my insides ache to be recognized!

Still,  there is the me that lives inside my skin that sometimes wants to shout from the rooftops.  It wants to scream at the top of her lungs, and I’m sure it’s a voice so loud that it could shake the earth.

Mousey? No. That is not who I am. I am soft spoken and introspective, but I am no mouse.

Are you familiar with the “I Am” statement? “I Am” are two of the most powerful words in the universe. They are our mission statement, and how we define ourselves to our own self as well as the outside world. The words that follow “I Am” need to be positive, powerful, and in alignment with your core- the very truest part of you.

So who am I? I have thought long and hard about this.

  • I am regal.
  • I am gracious.
  • I am kind.
  • I am thankful.
  • I am passionate.
  • I am loving.
  • I am beautiful.
  • I am artistic.
  • I am brave.
  • I am unique and irreplaceable.

Whenever you start a sentence with “I Am” you are creating. You are deciding who you are and what you want to be. Don’t feel afraid to come off as conceited. Why do women always feel the need to belittle themselves to make others feel comfortable? Fuck that. Own who you are. So, who are you?

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It was my first week of work (again) at my new job. I guess it’s going pretty well. Sometimes it can be hard to tell. The first day was really nothing like what I thought it would be. Instead of the standard one day of introduction where they tell you how great the company is and go through benefits, we only had about an hour’s worth of discussion with our trainers, and then we were shown to our desk. We were issued booklets to study for something called a 6-20 (Company Adjuster) insurance license. It is dry as fuck, and filled with a bunch of gobbledygook. Nevertheless, I have a licensing test next week, and I desperately want to pass it.

It was also during my first day that I was struck by a mini panic attack. This consisted of me crying in a rather putrid Wendy’s bathroom during my lunch break. I was overwhelmed. I often have these moments where I really doubt myself and my abilities. The truth is, there is only one job I ever felt that I truly excelled at: being a housewife. Now life is about creating something new for myself, something that involves a paycheck. It has been a struggle. Since returning to the US two years ago, this is my 4th job. I am desperate to make a success of this one. The thing is, I have fears. Can I handle it? Am I smart enough? Being fired from job #2 really dented my confidence. Three out of five days this week I went home with a stress headache, but today I’m feeling pretty good… yeah, I got this Martha Falker nailed.

Yes, I have fears aplenty. At first I had planned to write all about them, but I changed my mind. Instead of writing a sonnet to my worries, I am going to tell you the good stuff.

  •  The supply closet is stocked full of goodies… and it is left unlocked. Obviously they do not know me and my love of free stuff.
  •  Nobody pays attention to when you take a break or notices how long you are gone for. Maybe it’s going to bite me in the ass later, but I’m having fun with it while I can. I have never been given this much freedom before, and I like it. I like it a lot.
  •  The people here are lovely. They are easy to chat to, and I am making the effort to be sociable. When I was a housewife, I could go for days without speaking to another soul. I suffered with severe isolation. Now my life is the opposite. Though I still have to push myself, I find interacting with others to be extremely rewarding, and it has done marvels for my self-esteem.
  • As of today, and for the first time since I’ve been back in the US, I have medical insurance. I hate spending money for the sole purpose of waiting for a catastrophe to happen, but in this country, it is a necessity. I enrolled today, and I’m feeling very adult about the whole thing.
  •  And now my lovelies, I am going to tell you the best part: we have two weeks of training in Arizona. I am so super excited about that! If you read my blog regularly, you will know that there are few things I love more than an adventure. Watch this space … if you know me at all, there is going to be a food orgy of epic proportions!
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For once, wouldn’t it be cool if I had an orgy of eligible bachelors? Why does it always have to be food? Damn my thunder thighs!

Let the weekend commence!

Orange is the New Black is my favorite thing on TV these days. I just binge watched all of Season 4 in two days. I paced myself LOL. In the past I wrote about the character of Lorna, but she is less likable these days. Her particular brand of crazy went from charming to somewhat batshit in the newest season. My new OITNB girl crush is Blanca Flores. Why? Let me count the ways…

  1. She bares an uncanny resemblance to my favorite woman of all time: Frida Kahlo. Damn, I love a girl who rocks a unibrow! It almost makes me want to grow mine out. Almost.image1
  2. The woman is fearless. There is a point in Season 4 where one of the guards, in a nasty power trip, tries to  make an example of Flores by making her stand on top of the table in the cafeteria as a form of torture (this is actually much worse than it sounds, in real life, they do this to prisoners of war). Flores takes it up like a challenge rather than a punishment. She stands on that table for days! She even pees herself on the table, and she does it with a certain sort of je ne sais quoi that will make you smirk mirthlessly. Nobody else could have pulled it off like that. She was something of a Joan of Ark. Instead of becoming humbled and ridiculed, the fact that she never wavered, actually gave her a sort of grandeur that the guard could not have anticipated. Eventually she is forced off the table when the prison goes into lockdown due to an incident, but it was never because she gave up.
  3.  She doesn’t care about what anyone thinks of her. tumblr_mr5uoh9dZo1s46h7vo1_500The guards in the facility are constantly patting the women down in a very inappropriate way. Flores comes up with the idea of perfuming herself with the juice from oyster and sardine cans so that she smells positively rancid. With her matted hair and her “Eau de Mer” the guards are completely repulsed by getting too close to her. Even her friends can’t stand it, but Flores doesn’t care. She is more interested in not being groped. Fish over fucktards LOL. The woman has standards.

Other assorted stuff I want to talk about:

Well, let’s see, my birthday is in a couple of days. I have no real plans except going to Ruby Tuesdays with my grandmother on Saturday. I’m totally okay with that. My family isn’t big on birthdays. We usually just use it as an excuse to eat a lot.

And… hmmm… how do I say this…

Remember my Birthday Challenge? That thing where I wasn’t supposed to talk to any guys for 40 days? It kind of got fucked up on day 30. I will get into that more in depth in another post. To make a long story short though, I am seeing Birdy again. I am approaching it with a different mindset this time. I have the best time when we are together. I am just going to focus on that and release any expectations. I just want to focus on one thing: fun. And OMG, last night I had tons of fun.

It was totally gay. Gay with a bit of grilled cheese. It was …

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WTF?!? Okay, so we went to this gay pride thing at a place called Wilton Manors. That was a first for me. Another first? I had my first visit to a gay club. It was called The Manor. Another first? I saw a lewd sex act. OMG, for real I swear I did. Plus there were drag queens, and flashing lights and it was like the most fun I had in ages. And I danced… sort of. I don’t know how to dance. Let’s define it as “interpretive dance” that way at least I get to sound somewhat arty. I am sure I looked like the biggest dork ever, but it was so much fun and if I could, I’d go back tonight.

Afterwards we had grilled cheese sandwiches at New York Grilled Cheese. They take forever to serve you, but I didn’t mind. It was worth it. It was so gooooood. Plus I got to ogle Birdy a bit, and that’s always fun. I love looking at him: total man candy.

The meat packing district sandwich at New York Grilled Cheese.
Grilled cheese with brisket, doesn’t that look divine?

It was a night I’m going to remember forever.

Oh, and an update on my friend T: since I last wrote about her, I spoke to her on two occasions. One time she sounded kind of good and upbeat, the second time she didn’t. I am just happy when I get to hear her voice. Although I don’t always know what the right thing to say is, I am happy just to listen.

My new job starts next Monday. I am both nervous and excited, as to be expected I suppose.

I’m about to press “publish.” It has come to my attention that this may be the most disjointed post I ever wrote. I’m quite the nut job methinks, but today I am a happy one.

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Well, I try, but occasionally the bitch switch gets flipped.
Well, I try, but occasionally the bitch switch gets flipped.

Sometimes it’s easy for me to get upset and overwhelmed. Pettyness and cruelty offend me quite deeply. My tolerance isn’t what it used to be. Yesterday my bitchy manager at work decided to “write me up” (what am I, five years old?) for texting at my desk. I’m told next time I’m going to get fired. “Stupid cow,” I want to yell, “I have eaten dinners that cost more than your weekly salary, how dare you.” And then I remember that I actually need my shitty job, that I’m poor now. But what kind of woman does that to another woman? She knows I’m a divorcee with a meager salary. Yeah, it takes a special woman to want to take the food off another woman’s table, and that kind of woman deserves a special place… in hell. Damn, I’ve come a long way from being a doctor’s wife. Remembering that, well it kind of hurts sometimes. Amidst my frustration, when I got to the safety of the lunch room, I could feel the heat engulfing my face… and then, I’m somewhat embarrassed to admit,  the tears came. Feelings of shame (of my new status in life) mixed with feeling kind of sorry for myself, and anger: those emotions settled in my eyes, and rolled out as tears.

What is a girl to do when everything is gone? I’ll tell you the answer. It’s something I have been training myself to do. Some days I have more success at it than others.

0532a2d63deebb03fa314f919e7f91a6The trick is this: love the little things. Without trying to get all religious on you guys, let me just say that I believe in God. I feel that God scattered beauty and goodness all over the world, but we become blind to those blessings. We just get so wrapped up in the crap. So what exactly am I talking about? I’m talking about the way the sun feels when it warms your skin, a beautiful flower or a pretty bird, the peace of a hot cup of tea, the way that art and poetry had the power to lift the human spirit. There is so much beauty out there my lovelies. It is ours if only we choose to grab it. It’s there if you’ve got loads of money or if you don’t have two pennies to rub together. You just need to train your eye to look for those things: a kind smile from a stranger, some sweet words from a friend, a chubby pink cheeked child with grubby hands… the list is a mile long. Just look for it. I feel like these are God’s signs that everything is going to be okay. They are out there. Find them. Grab them. Recognize them for what they are. And when your boss is giving you shit an you feel low and a bit scared, take those things out of your memory box in your head and know that you will get through this. And you will get through it. What other choice is there?

And now, my lovelies, join me in giving my supervisor the one fingered salute! Just because I keep my mouth shut at work, does not mean I can’t handle some lame bitch. I invented bitchcraft daaahling.

No reason to hate me because I'm beautiful. Today I'm going to share my  beauty secrets!
No reason to hate me because I’m beautiful. Today I’m going to share my beauty secrets!

Today I wanted to talk about something that has nothing to do with men. Sometimes they just aren’t worth talking about LOL… geez, what a headache! Someone once interviewed a lady who lived to be in her 100s, and she said the secret to her longevity was realizing that men just weren’t worth it… I got to say, all the tears of frustration we cry over men, they sure can age a girl. Not good.

Today I want to talk about something fun and girly: beauty. I am big into skin care, much more so than makeup. If you have good skin, you don’t need tons of makeup. And loads of makeup, while it can look amazing from far, is not that pretty on close inspection. I only really wear makeup when I want to impress someone. Other than that, I’d just rather skip it. I prefer to be natural.

Since I moved to Florida, my skin isn’t as in great shape as it was when I left England. My normally smooth skin is erupting most unpleasantly LOL. I think partly it’s the huge change in climate, also I haven’t been eating as healthy now that I don’t have my own kitchen anymore or shop for my own food, and some of it may have to do with stress *cough* (code word for men).

I don’t have loads of money to spend these days, but I refuse to use cheap stuff on my face, after all, I’ve only got one. Invest a little money daaahlings, its better than wrinkles and saggy skin later on. I do buy the good stuff despite my craptastic paycheck.  I just have a very pared down beauty regime, my holy trinity. These are the three products I would not want to be with out. They are worth their pricetag.

For lovely pale and wrinkle free skin... just like the beautiful Dita Von Teese.
For lovely pale and wrinkle free skin… just like the beautiful Dita Von Teese.

So, in my opinion, the best thing a girl can do for her skin is to protect it. Before heading out for the day, it is crucial to shield our gorgeous faces from the harmful effects of of UVA and UVB rays. The problem is that most of the stuff out there is just so damned uncomfortable. It’s either super greasy, heavy feeling, or leaves a bit of a film on the skin. I was lucky to stumble across Kiehl’s Since 1851 Super Fluid UV Defense SPF 50+. The super high protection factor is great for my pale skin, but I also love it  because it dries so completely matte and non-greasy. You don’t feel like you are wearing anything. It is a pleasure to wear… now all I have to do is to remember to wear it more often!

Catherine de Medici was a fan of Santa Maria Novella, one of the world's oldest pharmacies... not to mention Moi.
Aside from my good self, Catherine de Medici was also a fan of Santa Maria Novella, one of the world’s oldest pharmacies.

Now this next item I’m going to tell you about, is my special secret: Santa Maria Novella’s Rose Water.  I adore it. It is a pain in the rear to get ahold of, but I would not be without it. I know this is going to sound a little silly, but using it reminds me that I’m me, that inside me, lives a Little Miss Fancy Pants with an unbreakable spirt that no Dr ManWhore (or anyone else for that matter) can ever extinguish.  The scent, unlike most overpowering rosewater products, is simply lovely.  I love swiping it across my face to freshen myself up when I wake up and before bed. Now I’ve got to be honest, I don’t think it does anything super miraculous, I just like how I feel when I use it. Maybe it’s a sentimental thing, but it’s something that will always be in my repertoire.

I doubt there is more effective and gentle makeup remover available than this one.
I doubt there is more effective and gentle makeup remover available than this one.

Though I don’t wear much makeup, there are times where a girl wants to impress. I find makeup around the eyes particularly difficult to remove. My eyes are sensitive and I don’t like to rub them too much. There is no more gentle, pleasant, and effective remover than the cleansing oils made by Shu Umera. I love the way the oil makes your mascara practically “melt” right off.

Shu Umeura was a Tokyo makeup artist in 1950s Hollywood. His cleansing oil was a favorite with one of my all-time hall of fame beauties: Marilyn Monroe. When you try this, you will understand why. I am currently using Ultime8 Sublime Beauty Cleansing Oil—Marilyn used the original formula (which is classic for a reason).

So there you have it my lovelies, my beauty secrets revealed. Yeah, you aren’t going to find these goodies in any discount stores, but don’t be cheap with yourself. You are worth it! And you know what? It’s better to buy a couple of really awesome expensive things than loads of junky cheap stuff that ends up costing you the same.

What are your skin must haves? Don’t be stingy, its time to share with the class ;).

I’ve had a tough week. Thank god it’s Friday. My soon to be ex husband (aka Dr Man-whore) is trying to go back on his financial agreement. My only recourse is to fight him, and that means more lawyer fees. I am scared to death that when this is all over I won’t be left with anything. How am I going to rebuild when all this is over if there is nothing left to rebuild with? It is dire.

Thursday I was involved in a car accident, which was really scary and freaked the sh*t out of me. My back hurts a little, but my sister (who was driving) and I are okay. Her car is really messed up though. I am upset for her. She loves her car. Her accident would never have happened if she wasn’t helping to drop me off. I feel responsible.

On top of that I’m trying to cope with breaking up with my Napoleon. I loved that man. He says we will stay best friends; but oh how my heart hurts. Not a day goes by that I don’t cry for him like some silly teenager. Every day I send him a million texts, begging him to reconsider. I am embarrassing myself. The rejection is crushing. I genuinely thought he was my forever. I guess I was wrong. Having to close that door on all of the wonderful dreams I had for us hurts my heart more than you can imagine.

I have a hard time keeping it together (I am often found crying my eyes out in the bathroom), but somehow I must.  It’s just me against the world now. I need to brush my depression aside. These feelings of grief and abandonment need to be swept under the carpet for now so that I can muster enough of my wits to save myself.

Music is helping. I downloaded some really kick ass songs that I listen to when I feel tearful or I’m about to embarrass myself by turning to someone who doesn’t want to hear from me. I am learning to turn my hurt into anger. It feels better than feeling sad. It feels more powerful. I need to find that strength that’s buried down somewhere so deep and forgotten. I know it exists because I remember seeing it so many years ago. I’m tired of being depressed. I don’t want to spend my life as a victim.

On that note, it’s Friday. F everyone. F all the tears and the sleepless nights. I want to get happy. I need a laugh. Maybe you do too.

Let’s get excited daaaahlings! It’s Friday after all.

Let's get this party started!
Let’s get this party started!
Well, I wouldn't say "surrounded," but I do have my mother and some very dear friends who have really been there for me. It is awesome to have your very own team of loved ones who you know are rooting for you.
Today I want to celebrate all the awesome people who are rooting for me. I am blessed to have such dear sweet friends and family to turn to during difficult times. They make me so thankful. *Smoochies*
Speaking of my friends, there are those fabulous strangers that read my blog and encouragement! Yeah, I mean you! Grab yourself a super fatty snack daaahling, the calories are on me today :).
Speaking of my friends, there are those fabulous strangers that read my blog and leave me words encouragement! Yeah, I mean you! Grab yourself a super fatty snack daaahling, the calories are on me today :).
I am the center of my own universe, and nothing matters more than me. I can be as selfish as I want to be. My ex always said I was good at that, but now I'm going to excel even further!!!
I am the center of my own universe, and nothing matters more than me. Now that I’m all on my own, I can be as selfish as I want to be. My ex always said I was good at that, but now I’m going strive for excellence! Yay me!!!
For so many years, I was in my husband's shadow. I forgot that I was important too, that I was also capeable of great things. Okay, so I have yet to discover what those things are LOL, but this time, when I do shine, it will be a light of my own making.
For so many years, I was in my husband’s shadow. I forgot that I was important too, that I was also capeable of great things. Okay, so I have yet to discover what those things are LOL, but this time, when I do shine, it will be a light of my own making. That’s pretty freaking cool!
I don't actually plan for my life to be one big pity part. I have every intention picking myself up and putting back the pieces to become a Caroline that is even more amazing than I used to be.
Life is not going to end up as one giant pity part… Hell no!!! I have every intention picking myself up and putting back the pieces to construct a Caroline that is even more magnificent than I the one I was.
One day I'd like to be able to say that I don't need a man to complete me. It's been a long time since I had that kind of confidence in myself, and I can't wait for it to come back.
One day I’d like to be able to say that I don’t need a man to complete me. It’s been a long time since I had that kind of confidence in myself, and I can’t wait for it to come back.
And so my lovelies, today I ask you to remind yourself why you are special (because I know you are).
And so my lovelies, today I ask you to remind yourself why you are special (because I know you are). Where were you this time last year? I bet you have accomplished something worth being proud of. Remind yourself.

I hope you guys are laughing a bit, or at least maybe have a teeny smile on your face. Yes, I have the oddest sense of humor of probably any blogger you’re going to come across, but that’s what makes me Caroline. Have a wonderful weekend and allow yourself to smile at the preposterous.It starts with the little things.